Pro Bowl Wrap Up

Falcons to Hire Ghost of Red Grange

Pro Bowl Wrap Up

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Sort of like UPN and the WB, the Tuesday Morning Quarterback will be undergoing a bit of a reformatting. Unlike UPN and the WB, the Tuesday Morning Quarterback will continue to have high ratings. I enjoy writing about football, but I’m sure I can find other sports to write about…just think, we’ve got twelve more days of Olympic Curling left, yeah! Seriously though, I’d sooner write about the two-man Luge or Johnny Weir’s short program.
So I didn’t exactly get this written in the morning, but then again, I didn’t exactly watch the Pro Bowl either and I’m not going to let that stop me. The Pro Bowl didn’t disappoint on Sunday, it was pretty much exactly what everyone expected; a sloppy game played by men who obviously didn’t want to be there and it showed.
If the Super Bowl wasn’t enough, we had to deal with a week of Mike Holmgren complaining about the refereeing during the game. I know, the calls were pretty spotty, but the whole, “I knew it was going to be hard enough playing against the Steelers, I didn’t know we’d have to play against the guys in the striped shirts too,” comment. C’mon, the Seahawks pretty much played like shit for 4 quarters and were lucky enough to escape not getting blown out. And Seattle fans, don’t act like you’re upset; you’re the NFL equivalent of Marlins fans. Next year, when the Seahawks stink again and god knows, the Cardinals and bum-finger Warner are actually giving the NFC West a run for its money, don’t be surprised when Qwest Field has lower attendance than a Washington Mystics – New York Liberty game in August.
In the Pro Bowl, that thing that masquerades as an All Star game where the NFC beat the AFC 23 – 17, Peyton Manning picked up where he left off during the Divisional Round throwing seven interceptions…okay, he really had three but he was still pretty awful. The one “bright spot,” if that’s what you want to call it, for the AFC was Marvin Harrison catching 4 passes for 74 yards. Derrick Brooks’ interception to, “close the game out” for the NFC didn’t even come in the 4th quarter, but mid-way through the 3rd and before Neil Rackers kicked two field goals. Speaking of which, that win was the first time the NFC has knocked off the AFC in a Pro Bowl in the six of the last seven tries. Which considering the AFC has pretty much owned the NFC in the Super Bowl isn’t saying much, but I’m sure Holmgren and the rest of his crybaby buddies will take any little bit of solace they can get. Matt Hasselbeck had the quote of the weekend saying, “Coach Fox promised, by the end of the week, ‘We'll put a smile on your face.’ All the Seattle guys were smiling.” Yeah Matt, winning a meaningless game no one wants to play in, in the first place makes up for losing the Super Bowl.
In other news, the Jets are continuing their return to their illustrious New York Titans days. After Herm Edwards was replaced with a 35 year old; disgraced GM Terry Bradway stepped down and was replaced by Mike Tannenbaum, some guy who graduated from Wesleyan or someplace about six months ago. The one smart move they did make was asking the bust-o-rific Chad Pennington to take an $8 Million dollar pay cut. You can’t really blame them either; Pennington has missed 18 games the past two seasons and has looked Losmantacular in the few games he’s started. The Jets, who have always been straight shooters aren’t saying why they’re asking Chad to take a pay cut, but I guarantee that if you asked the 10 year old they’ve got running things he’d say that they needed free up money for when they draft Reggie Bush…like I said; straight shooters.

Random Observations:
The NFL is getting pretty lax on fining people who complain about the refs. They didn’t fine Jerry Porter when he went all Jim Mora after the Colts game, but that was because Tagliabue, Bettis and Dan Rooney had a pact with Satan; but what about Holmgren? He spent an entire week giving the refs worse treatment than reviewers gave PopoZão and nothing.
Speaking of complete train wrecks, West Texas A&M (who knew they even had a school?) has hired Ryan Leaf to be their quarterbacks coach…wow! I don’t even know where to begin…
The real highlight of the Pro Bowl? Suzy Kolber in that red sundress.
Don’t you get the feeling the Falcons hiring Vince Lombardi’s grandson is a bit like FOX duplicating every BBC and Channel 4 show they can get their hands on? So what if it’s crap, it’s got a good pedigree, right? Next up is “Loop” a blatant rip off of Mile High, but like most everything on FOX will probably last 4 episodes.
Not sure if I’m more appalled with Jillian Barberie for simply being Jillian Barberie or with Brett Favre for not immediately denouncing his title as “NFL’s sexiest man.”

Super Bowl Wrap Up

NFL Reports, Estimated 900 Million
Bored to Tears by Super Bowl

Super Bowl Wrap Up

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Hope you had a good book, bet heavily and won, or got blind drunk because otherwise you were probably pretty damn bored on Sunday afternoon; I know I was. I don’t even understand why the NFL makes up these bogus numbers to act like the 110, or whatever, countries that the Super Bowl is shown in around the world actually give two sh!ts about the game. I think people in Botswana, Luxembourg, and Singapore are more concerned with eating food, chocolate, and making sure no one spits on the sidewalk, respectively.
We also finally had some trash talking from a guy no one’s ever heard of (TE, Jerramy Stevens) who first stupidly insults Jerome Bettis and then says of Joey Porter, “if he needs to use me as motivation for this game, that’s sad…he’ll definitely know who I am after the game.” Okay Jerramy, you caught a 16 yard pass half way through the third quarter to cut the Steelers lead to 4. But you didn’t really think they were going to let you say that, “it’ll be a sad day when Jerome Bettis doesn’t leave Detroit a Super Bowl Champion” and get away with it did you? Stevens was the recipient of an absolutely filthy hit at the hands of Polamalu and Porter where he almost got his head taken off. Oh yeah, he dropped four balls too.
I should’ve known things were going to be bad when it took Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin, Hank Williams and 700 gospel singers twenty minutes to sing the National Anthem. It was still better than Carrie Underwood’s impression of fingernails across a chalkboard two weeks ago, but not by much.
The game itself, especially the first half, I liken to going to the dentist’s office and seeing a donkey wearing a surgical mask. It’s definitely not what you’re expecting and then you’re sore after the donkey kicks your tooth out. Aside from Big Ben’s touchdown that was, er wasn’t, er was; nothing really happened. And let’s not get crazy with the complaints that the ref’s handed the game to Pittsburgh. If they hadn’t been given the touchdown on that play, they would’ve had 4th down on like the 1inch line and you know Cowher would’ve gone for it. What’s the worst thing that happens, you turn the ball over on downs and force Seattle to go 100 yards for a score. Seattle had done a mediocre job, at best, of moving the ball at that point. If the Steelers didn’t score, they probably would’ve forced a punt and gotten the ball on the Seahawk 45 for another shot at the end zone. As many people thought the Steelers would have been up at the half, certainly no one expected the game to be 7 – 3 by then.
The second half was more of the same and Willie Parker’s 75 yard touchdown run completely deflated the Seahawks. You could see the faces of some of their players, just waiting for the Lombardi Trophy to be brought out and to have the MVP awarded to somebody in a white jersey. I watched the game with a pack of rabid Steelers fans and I’d say there was a general sense of calm in the entire apartment for most of the second half. The Steelers were up 14 – 3 and even when Seattle scored, the attitude was, “oh, it’s okay, is it time to celebrate yet?” It just seemed like Pittsburgh wasn’t trying to win as hard as Seattle was; like on Friday night, Tagliabue had told Bettis there was nothing to worry about and Bettis let the cat out of the bag at the team breakfast Saturday. Roethelisberger had the lowest rating of any winning Super Bowl quarterback: 22.6, looking Losmantastic in the process. Although since both Manning’s are pretty terrible come playoff time, I’ll give J.P. a break. Ben pulled an Eli, but unlike the Giants, the Steelers weren’t trolling soup kitchens looking for replacement linebackers. Oh yeah, they also managed to beat the Seahawks. So Ben did get the win; which is more than I can say for the Rogaine spokesman, Hasselbeck.
Let’s all be happy for the Steelers and Jerome Bettis, for Bill Cowher and Dan Rooney, for the city of Pittsburgh and Roethelisberger eaters everywhere. Which by the way, I give McDonald’s about two weeks before it’s getting people fat across America, for a limited time only.

Random Observations:
After the game, being forced to sit through Grey’s Anatomy was actually palatable.
Don’t be surprised when Wednesday nights Idol has higher ratings than Snooze Bowl XL.
There is no “next week” section because I want to write about the Pro Bowl less than the players want to be there.

Media Week Preview

The Infinite Wisdom of the Tuesday
Morning Quarterback

Media Week Preview

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

In light of the fact that the only football, or football related activities, that took place this weekend was the, oh so interesting Senior Bowl, I thought it might be time for a bit of a Tuesday Morning Quarterback retrospective. As much as I enjoy saying things like, “see, I knew I was right;” I’m sure all of you will enjoy when I admit I was way off base; or as the case may be…out of bounds. Let’s examine a few TMQ hits and misses.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005:
“Boy, they just don’t make train wreck coaches like they used to. Oh wait, yes they do; Mike Martz, Mike Tice, Mike Holmgren, Mike Sherman, and Mike Mularkey are all awful.”
Since then, Martz, Tice & Sherman were all fired, Mularkey resigned, and yeah, yeah Holmgren has the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Still, four out of five, ain’t bad. I just wish I was this good at picking football games. I guess the old adage is true: it’s easier to pick out terrible coaches than it is to figure out who will win the Bears – Vikings game.
October 31, 2005:
“Kelly Holcomb isn’t only a terrible quarterback, I mean c’mon the Browns gave up on this guy; he’s also the ugliest QB in the NFL.”
Turns out I was half right. Holcomb is one ugly dude, he reminds me a little bit of that linebacker/bad guy from “Necessary Roughness.” Remember that guy, the one with the harelip? One ugly dude.
November 8, 2005:
“Rather than wasting a lot of ink on Joey Harrington I’ll just say, he proved once again, there’s still no reason to have faith in him."
After I wrote this, Harrington got benched not once, but twice in favor of an injured Jeff Garcia; which has gotta hurt more than passing a stone.
November 15, 2005:
"I didn’t hear any smack talking from Mike Vick this week. What’s up Mike? Light up the Dolphins for a whopping 230 yards, and all of a sudden you’re the second coming of Steve Young?"
Mike finished up the season missing the playoffs, while his coach, Slappy Mora, let his “quarterback” play another season without studying game film. His brother meanwhile, gave booze to some 15 year olds, stomped a guys leg, got himself kicked out of school and then pulled a gun on some more kids. You can bet Mike Shanahan will definitely waste a draft pick on him like he did with Clarett last year.
November 22, 2005:
“Herman Edwards might be the only coach this year to go 3 – 13, get to keep his job & leave anyway. Anyone who believes Herm when he says he’s staying or Woody when he says Herm’s job is secure, raise your hand…yeah, that’s what I thought.”
The Jets went 4 – 12 and Herm skipped town for Kansas City. Side note: Jets fans are some of the most two-faced, sniveling fans in football; and the Jets organization is just as bad. They defended Herm when the rumors broke (in week 11, by the way, with six weeks left in the season) and then turned on him like starving wolves the day he walked out of the Meadowlands, botching a clear chance at a high draft pick before settling for Kansas City’s 4th rounder in the process.
“The 10 – 0 Colts only forced one punt against the Bengals, what’s that say about their defense come playoff time?”
It says that Ben Roesthelisberger made them look stupid, at home, in the Divisional Round.
November 29, 2005:
“I know I shouldn’t pick on the Panthers, but they make it so easy. It took them, what, 6 tries to get in the end zone from 5 yards out in Buffalo? I don’t even know how they got another set of downs inside the 10, but c’mon. If they don’t get bounced in the first round of the playoffs I’ll eat my socks.”
I’ll be having them with porcini mushrooms and beef medallions in a red wine reduction. Just for the record, NFC Championship game or not, the Panthers still aren’t for real.
December 6, 2005:
“The Titans are favored for the first time all season against the Texans. One team that can’t score against a team actively trying not to win ball games.”
It was actually the second time the Titans were favored, but honestly, who cares? It was the Titans and Texans. 3rd & 1st picks respectively.
December 13, 2005:
“I don’t know what kind of brain trust they’ve got up there in Buffalo, but aren’t you happy they’re not running your favorite team?”
Almost as if he’d heard me, 87 year old owner Ralph Wilson (who looks like something you’d put on your porch to scare kids at Halloween) hired 80 year old buddy, Marv Levy to be the team’s new general manager. This TMQ was also riddled with typos and a Y.A. Tittle reference that went over most of your heads.
December 20, 2005:
“A small side note for Tom Brady and the Patriots: Beating the Dolphins, Saints, Jets, Bills and Bucs is not a sign that you’re a Super Bowl threat.”
Tom and the Pats got bounced in the second round of the playoffs, and beat a Jacksonville team that probably would’ve lost to the Browns that weekend.
December 27, 2005:
“Why even televise the Lions – Saints game?...I don’t know who I feel worse for, their fans or the poor kids they’re going to draft in April.”
Remember that queasy look on Eli Manning’s face when the Chargers drafted him? Now put that same face on Matt Leinart when the Saints draft him. Leinart + crawfish + clueless ownership = Tom Benson sells Saints to Rupert Murdoch.
January 3, 2006:
“I wonder how mad people in Cincinnati will be when they lose to Pittsburgh and realize that everything started to go downhill with Chad Johnson’s predictions from a month ago.”
Nail, meet hammer. Now watch your head. By the way, when I wrote this I should’ve known the Steelers would’ve beaten the Colts too.
Random Observations:
Can someone please take the duct tape off of Joey Porter’s mouth? This is seriously shaping up to be the most boring Media Week ever. Someone insult someone else’s mom. Call someone overrated. Call Jerome a sissy. Insult Ray Lewis, just for the hell of it, please. This is what happens when players like Shaun Alexander and Troy Polamalu are in the Super Bowl instead of Mike Vanderjack and Steve Smith.
Nothing more boring than watching 106 dudes talk about how much they respect one another.
If the Steelers somehow lose the, no one will say the Seahawks won. Kinda tough playing a game when pretty much the entire country is expecting you to lose. So forget about a moral victory. Can’t win for losing, but you can definitely lose for winning. My advice: go back to Washington, have a latte and enjoy your rain.
Next Week:
It’s the Super Bowl, c’mon…the Super Bowl!

Conference Championship Wrap Up

Jake Plummer to Join Cast of Lost

Conference Championship Wrap Up

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Just like the sequel to Chinatown, the Two Jakes failed miserably this weekend. Jake Delhomme’s performance was probably worse since the Panthers were never really in the game, while Denver at least tried to make things interesting.
If someone told you at the beginning of the season, that the Seahawks and Steelers would be playing in the Super Bowl; after you finished laughing your ass off, wouldn’t you think the Seahawks had absolutely no shot? Because, seriously, they don’t.
When, and if the Steelers win the Super Bowl, should there be any doubt in anyone’s mind that Ben Roethelisberger is on his way to becoming the new Tom Brady? Think about it. Both, virtually unknown before getting to the NFL (seriously, you didn’t follow the MAC Conference then and you don’t now, and you didn’t know about Big Ben before he beat the Pats in Week 8 last season), both coming in for shaky veterans who could never get the job done and just flat out won. Granted, Tom’s got a few trophies that Ben would like to have, but Ben has beaten the giant killer; doesn’t that make him the new giant killer?
Speaking of the Steelers and giant killers; not only are the Steelers the first 6 seed to advance to the Super Bowl, but they’re just downright scary! They beat arguably the three best teams in the AFC, all on the road, to get to where they are; how could you not be scared of them?
Less scary, but still pretty interesting is the fact that Bettis’ parents have never missed a single game their son has played in; and Jerome’s mom is about thirty times less annoying than Wilma McNabb. Speaking of insane mothers, don’t you just get the sense that Wilma will be secretly following the play of T.O. next season?
Some of you are going to hate me for this, but look at the Seattle – Carolina game like this. The Panthers are like the Rookies from Real World/Road Rules, Gauntlet II and Steve Smith is like Alton. Now, the Seahawks are like the Veterans team that’s been able to study Alton all season long and have seen him just embarrass people time after time. But they know one thing and one thing only…Successfully shut down Alton and the Rookies lose. Now I said all season, that if you shut down Steve Smith, you could beat the Panthers. Teams never seemed to want to listen, they were content to continue playing Cover 2 schemes and letting Smith rack up insane yards hoping the Kobe Bryant corollary would take effect (when you let the one really talented player do all the scoring, thus ensuring no one else on his team could get involved), just for the record, this backfired also. Well the Seahawks had the stones to put like six guys on Steve “Cry Baby” Smith, got him pissed off, got him out of his game and let Jake Delhomme try to beat them by throwing to mediocre receivers; one of whom, by the way, looks suspiciously like a taller Rae Carruth; the comedic implications of which are too much for me to handle at the present time.
Speaking of going into hiding, Jake Delhomme looked kind of the way Peter Sarsgaard looked on SNL on Saturday night…lost. His performance was awful; up there with Tara Reid’s in “Alone in the Dark;” I couldn’t suspend my disbelief enough to picture her as a scientist anymore than I could see him supposedly acting like a quarterback on Sunday.
Random Observations:
Is Greg Gumbel seriously getting fatter with each passing day? I mean, it’s getting a little ridiculous. He took up at least three quarters of the screen while interviewing Bettis; three quarters! If he’s not careful, Cowher might slap some pads on him after The Bus retires.
That Nick Goings/Lofa Tatupu hit was insane; I felt it sitting on my couch 3,000 miles away. I’m also almost positive I saw a tooth fly out. The fact that Goings actually was able to stand after that, albeit with some help, unequivocally proved I’d never even make fun of a kicker to his face…well maybe Vanderjack.
Carrie Underwood singing the National Anthem? Putrid! She started so horribly off-key that when I looked outside I saw dogs and cats dropping dead all over the sidewalk. It’s really too bad grunge rock doesn’t translate all that well to anthems.
The Budweiser, Instant Replay commercial with the horses playing football, the zebra and the “jackass” comment was fantastic. We’re now guaranteed they’ll muck things up in two weeks. Seriously, let Bud Bowl die already.

Divisional Round Wrap Up

Mularkey Resigns, City of Buffalo Rejoices

Divisional Round Wrap Up

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The great officiating continued this weekend, with some downright awful calls and lots of upset players, even more upset fans and a couple of classless jerks who trashed an officials house. Like that guy in Pittsburgh who claimed he had a heart attack when Bettis fumbled that ball. Speaking of heart attacks, watching the Colts lose was probably my most painful moment of 2006. And rather than re-live any of that horrible game again, I’ll just gloss over it like it didn’t happen.
I will say that Big Ben was a stud in that game and a quick word to Giants fans: You could’ve had Ben Roethlisberger. Wait; let me say that one more time, you could’ve had Ben Roethlisberger. One more thing, what was Eli’s passer rating last weekend again? Oh yeah, that’s right; 35.0. Putting up some pretty Losmantastic numbers there, Elijah; keep it up.
There was more Losmantacular action in Seattle, and c’mon Joe Gibbs, c’mon. Okay, your defense made the explosive Seattle offense look about as good as a Lamborghini with a Pinto engine; but, your offense still has to show up. You can’t just expect to inexplicably knock Shaun Alexander out of the game, score ten points and think you’ll beat the Seahawks, in Seattle. Speaking of which, Shaun didn’t you have a concussion? How is it that you were jumping up and down on the sidelines? I mean, I’m not doctor (no matter what kinds of games I used to play in Second Grade), but I thought that the signs of a concussion were loss of balance, nausea and sometimes memory loss. I’d like to think the Seahawks had so little respect for the Redskins a/k/a the American University fighting Eagles, that before the game Holmgren came up to Alexander and said, “okay Shaun, I want to see your best concussion impression…wow, that’s perfect! How’d you like to sit this one out so you’re fresh for the Conference Championship?”
The Bears put up a valiant effort against the Panthers, but for all my shit talking the Panthers have been there before and know how to handle themselves. But hey, the Bears weren’t the only team to take a first round bye plus home field advantage and treat it the way Marcus Vick treats his future. Grossman was adequate, but being adequate won’t get in done in the Playoffss when the guy you’re playing against almost beat the nearly invincible Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Lovie Smith still deserves his coach of the year award, but man John Fox out-coached somebody for the second straight week…wow. If I were Holmgren, I’d be just a little afraid that in two straight weeks, Fox’s made very good coaches look amateur. Now the Panthers are rewarded with a trip to Seattle to play at hostile Qwest Field…that doesn’t even sound right, does it?
Speaking of, “nearly invincible,” perhaps the sweetest moment of the Pats – Broncos game came when Champ Bailey picked off Tom Brady deep in the end zone and ran the ball back 100 yards, only to be flattened by Ben Watson at the one. It’s amazing that with about five different camera angles we still couldn’t definitively tell where the hell the ball went, and hats off to the refs for going with the call on the field. And trust me; I’m not just saying that because I hate the Patriots more than a five year old hates Brussels sprouts. Anyone else think it’s funny that the Patriots dynasty started and ended on heavily reviewed and contested plays.
Random Observations:
Gotta like Peyton Manning sticking to the Tiki Barber theme of putting the blaming on anyone but himself, throwing his entire offensive line under the bus.
Kinda sad that Jets fans would rather have an unproven 34 year old coach their team than Mike Tice.
Every Colts fan should’ve known something fishy was going to happen when the Steelers beat the Bengals. Weird things start happening to guys at the end of their careers, especially when those guys have chances to win championships…in the city of their birth no less.
Can’t you picture Matt Leinart playing in San Antonio? I’m laughing my ass off as I write this. Ten times better than picturing him in Nawlins.
Next Week:
I’d like to think the Broncos can beat the Steelers, but considering the Steelers knocked Carson Palmer out of a game and made Peyton Manning look like Eli, I don’t have much hope for Jake Plummer.

Wild Card Wrap Up

God Hates Bengals Fans

Wild Card Round Wrap Up

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Well the Playoffs started this weekend, and while we didn’t get any irate Jim Mora sightings, we did get treated to some pretty good football, the Bucs and Skins notwithstanding. The Giants returned to form this weekend, disappointing their loyal fans come playoff time, with an utterly embarrassing 23 – 0 loss at home to the streakier than a drunken frat boy in April, Panthers. Say whatever you want, but Eli Manning looked downright confused for what little time he was on the field. He really only looked sure of himself when he was throwing off his back foot into triple coverage. But hey, it’s not all Eli’s fault; the Panthers secondary still had to catch balls thrown directly at them, rather than drop them like the Giants receivers did. At least the Giants set a few records on Sunday. It was the first time they were shutout all season long. It was also the first time a home team has been shutout in the playoffs since 1980 when the Bucs lost to the Los Angeles Rams; yeah, that’s right, a team that doesn’t even exist anymore. And then, not to be outdone, Tiki Barber’s, “we were out-coached” comment was priceless. Tiki, just one quick note: the late Mr. Mara is no longer around to look the other way for you, might want to try a slice of humble pie.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not letting the Panthers off the hook that easily. Yes, they beat the Giants at home…shellacked them even; but name me two streakier teams than Carolina and New York…okay, maybe San Diego; but name another. Honestly, no one should be surprised when the Panthers put up maybe 6 points in Chicago this weekend. But people on the North Side should be praying Grossman doesn’t break his leg for the twelfth time, because let’s face it Orton can’t throw a straight pass five yards; let alone a dart to a streaking Muhammad down the sideline.
The Bucs, also not interested in trying to get to the Super Bowl, played an awful game as well. Chris Simms had flashes of competency, but for the most part his play was overshadowed by two costly interceptions and a non-existent running game; forty-nine yards from Cadillac wasn’t going to get it done. I’ll be the bigger man and forgo all of the, “Cadillac stalls/runs on empty” clichés, but let’s just say he sucked. Watching that game I was never more sure of two teams that had no business being in the playoffs; I would’ve rather sat through “Tristan and Isolde.” The only curious thing is how a receiver can catch a ball in the end zone, fall down, roll over and then drop the ball and have it called an incomplete pass. That game was just awful; neither offense showed up and the Redskins snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.
Maybe if we’re lucky the refs will decide the rest of the playoffs too and if Tagliabue has his way, we’ll see the Pats beat the Colts on some bogus pass interference call as Vrabel muffs a pass in the end zone and the Bears somehow beat the Seahawks while having no offense at all. Seriously, the Redskins have no shot in Seattle if they play the way they did this weekend. I’m pretty sure the only way the Skins will have a chance to win that game is if Shaun Alexander forgets how to get to the stadium.
The Jags looked great this weekend; really, really great. Right up until the got on the field. Hey Jack Del Rio, I understand Leftwich is your star, but he's also hobbling around on one leg. Think maybe it would've been smarter to at least take a took at David Garrad? Tom Brady did what he always does in the Playoffs, win and made it look pretty easy too. If I'm the Jags, I'm going to do whatever it takes to surround Byron with some actual offensive weapons so my defense doesn't have to hold teams, while my non-existent offense plays catch up all game long.
Random Observations:
If you were Tom Brady and already had three Super Bowl rings, how mad would you really be if you got knocked out of the Playoffs, but got to go home and spend time with Bridget Moynahan? Do you think Joe Gibbs thinks he deserves to still be in the Playoffs?
Next Week:
Just a guess, but it’s probably going to take more than seven offensive points to beat the Seahawks.
Are the Panthers really going to go on the road twice and beat another good team? I bet you Kyle Orton hopes so.

Week 17 Wrap Up

Among Stolen Items, Clarett
Forgets Dignity

Week 17 Wrap Up

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

This Monday was awful for guys named Mike. Tice did some pretty amazing things in order to right the Vikings ship, but it’s pretty tough to redeem yourself after scalping Super Bowl tickets and allowing Smoot Dogg to plan a ride on the Caligula II.
The Jets finished on a high note, with a win over another crappy team, but will have plenty of reasons to be depressed again if Kansas City steals Herman Edwards from them.
Speaking of bad teams and recently jobless coaches, Jim Haslett should honestly be the happiest guy without a job. You get asked to leave, get a few million bucks and don’t have to be stuck in an awful situation. Isn’t that everyone’s dream?
The Giants managed to get a victory in Oakland on Saturday and sew up the NFC East in the process. But that game revealed that if he’d gotten more red zone touches this season, Tiki Barber could’ve seriously challenged Shaun Alexander and Peyton Manning for NFL MVP.
I’ll be very surprised if Donahoe and Mularkey both have jobs in Buffalo next season. But it makes you wonder, with a mediocre hockey team, and nothing else up there, do people in Buffalo just cry all winter long?
Congratulations to Maurice Clarett; after holding up two people in the same city in which you played on a National Championship team, now you’re ready for a try out with the Dallas Cowboys.
So Saints QB Todd Bouman went to St. Cloud State, right? I wonder if that’s in Minnesota or near Kissimmee St. Cloud. If it’s the latter, does that mean he took the Monorail to class every day or Basket Weaving 101 at Epcot Center?
Drew Brees couldn’t have asked for a worse New Year’s, tearing his labrum; an injury that will require surgery. So the already clueless Chargers are now left with an unproven first rounder in Rivers and a possible Chad Pennington. And with all that talent, the Chargers still couldn’t get their 10th victory. Schottenheimer might be the worst coach able to keep his job this season; Mularkey and Mora not withstanding.
And hey Pennington, what are you thinking telling whomever the Jets draft to, “pack a lunch, because it’s going to be a long day”? At this point in the season, I think Jets fans would’ve rather had Kyle Boller. Yeah, he’s the worst QB in the NFL, but at least he stays healthy. Might be time to join a slow pitch softball league and call it a day.

Random Observations:
Drop kick, or no drop kick. Dude, Flutie, it was an extra point. Stop flipping out like you just beat The U.
Don’t you think if the Jets lose Edwards, getting the Chiefs first round draft pick would ease the pain a little bit?
I don’t think I saw Bizarro Sheen blink once while the cameras were on him.
Tice got pretty choked up during his press conference, but I’m sure he Vermeil style bawled when he left.
Speaking of which, Dickie held it together pretty well. I was fully expecting him to have a complete breakdown right there on the field.

Next Week:
The Giants could put four people on Steve Smith and Jake Delhomme would still try to throw to him.
I wonder how mad people in Cincinnati will be when they lose to Pittsburgh and realize that everything started to go downhill with Chad Johnson’s predictions from a month ago.
The Jags need to hope Brady forgets how to get to Foxboro, because that’s they only way they’ll have a shot at winning.
The Redskins run has been nice and all, and will probably convince overrated Gibbs to stick around a little while longer, but their run ends Saturday.

Week 16 Wrap Up

Vikings and Packers Spoil Christmas for Millions

Week 16 Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Before I start this week’s piece, making fun of men who could eat me, I would like to extend my heartfelt condolences to Tony Dungy and his family on the loss of his son James.
You were probably expecting a nice Christmas present but instead, came downstairs and unwrapped the Vikings – Ravens and Bears – Packers games; forced to watch them like an unwanted piece of ham left neglected on the side of your plate.
Even before the Vikings were embarrassing themselves they got some bad news when Daunte Culpepper was dropped by FedEx faster than Smoot Dogg can dial the Gold Club. But hey FedEx, what’s with your spokesman Ryan Furby? Was Steve Elmo busy? George I. Joe on assignment?
I can’t remember the last time I saw more teams less interested in sowing up playoff spots. The Giants, Panthers, Chargers and Falcons all had chances to win and blew it. With the Falcons and Chargers blowing themselves right out of the playoffs.
Perhaps the biggest kick in the stones came Saturday during the Giants – Skins game. With a linesman busily pulling a groin muscle, he completely turned his back on Shawn Springs’ horse collar tackle of Tiki Barber which would’ve tacked 15 yards onto his run and probably resulted in a NY score. Instead, we got about 30 seconds of that officials butt while he got taped by an entirely too eager trainer.
Chad Johnson and the Bengals got into the Christmas spirit and were feeling so generous after Chad tossed presents into the stands, I guess they figured they’d give the game and a 1st Round bye away too. The Bills hadn’t won a road game all season; I don’t even think they thought they had a chance.
Did you catch Packers fans after they got schooled by the Bears on Sunday? I haven’t seen people in Green Bay that dejected since they got the news about Mark Chmura.
Speaking of inappropriate behavior, Steve Smith got ejected for touching a ref on the back? With Smith out, the Panthers reverted from a one-dimensional team to a zero dimensional team and actually made Drew Bledsoe look half decent. And yeah, yeah; I know you’re not supposed to touch an official, but it’s not like he Romo-style spit at him, did a Turley-toss or went with the Orlando Brown quasi head butt/shove.
Why even televise the Lions – Saints game? Those two shouldn’t even be allowed to play, let alone against each other. I don’t know who I feel worse for, their fans or the poor kids they’re going to draft in April.
Wait, the 49ers won? What the hell were they thinking? Don’t they know that now they not only need help from Houston but also a Silver Dollar?

Random Observations:
Despite two straight losses, the Colts are still the best in the NFL. And Seattle can’t be happy about only putting up 28 points on a defense that was resting 7 starters.
The Jets are more pathetic than Chunk from the Goonies, just not as fun to laugh at. Although is it just me; or does Cedric Houston look a lot like Adebisi from Oz?
The Cowboys cut kicker Billy Cundiff on Monday. What is that, like 9 kickers for them this season? No word yet, on whether they’ll be taking a look at Scott Norwood.
Bizarro Martin Sheen couldn’t wipe the smile off his face after his Broncos put some coal in his old boss’ stocking, beating the Raiders 22 –3.
That Monday Night Football halftime montage was more painful than Dandy Don Meredith’s singing.

Next Week:
I know they’re playing Oakland, but do you trust Eli Manning and the Giants? Yeah, thought so. Get the chips and dip ready; The Reggie Bush Bowl starts at 4:05, EST.
The Ravens and Browns on Sunday afternoon? Yeah, that game looks about as interesting as ABC’s new series “inJustince.”

Week 15 Wrap Up

Aaron Brooks Blames Benching on
Act of God

Week 15 Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Right around the time the officials were deciding who should win the Colts – Chargers game, stealing immortality from them in the process; the Redskins were getting ready to take on Texas A&M. You can’t deny Drew Bledsoe turned in a distinctly AMish performance getting sacked 7 times and tossing 3 interceptions.
I thought it was getting close to the time when Reggie Bush could write 713 on his eye-black instead of 619 for the Rose Bowl, but then Houston has to go and beat Arizona. I mean, their fans had to be confident they could’ve blown their 4th straight game after having a lead at the end of the first half or in the 4th quarter…I mean, I was.
Speaking of the Rose Bowl, the Falcons got smacked harder than Matt Leinart did at Marquis last Saturday night.
A small side note for Tom Brady and the Patriots: Beating the Dolphins, Saints, Jets, Bills and Bucs is not a sign that you’re a Super Bowl threat. It's a sign that on most Sundays an great quarterback (Tom Brady) will beat a bad quarterback (Frerotte, Brooks, Bollinger, Losman and Simms) just about every time they play.
Jim Haslett must’ve been taking Ricky sized hits when he benched Aaron Brooks in favor of Todd Bouman. Sure, Brooks said some pretty stupid things, but he’s a natural athlete and gave them a much better chance to beat the Panthers at home than St. Cloud Todd and his 4 picks. And asking for a 5 year extension? Dude, Haslett, your team has no city, your owner is obviously nuts and Rich Kotite wouldn’t even take that job…what are you thinking?
I’m pretty sure Jim Mora Jr. tried to slap that ref on Sunday night. Now that his team is looking more Losmantastic every week, he might as well keep us entertained. I’m praying that in the next two weeks he has a, “Playoffs?!!?!” Style post-game breakdown like his dad.
Question for Marty Schottenheimer. How are you only 9 – 5 with the best running back and tight end in the NFL, a good QB and a half decent defense (that with a few people looking the other way on some pass interference calls looked amazing against the Colts)? Seriously, how?
You could almost see the wheels turning for Kyle Orton, watching Rex Grossman play, thinking of a Kerrigan/Harding style mishap.
It’s amazing all Nick Saban had to say to get the Dolphins to play well, was that this season didn’t matter. Maybe next year if he says he hopes they lose every game, they’ll win the Super Bowl. If I were the Pats, I’d be seriously worried about next year.

Random Observations:
Bret Farve looked more depressed after yesterday’s game than those people coming out of the advanced screening of Steven Spielberg’s Munich.
How do you think Bills fans feel knowing that if Mularkey had sat The Tulane Terror a/k/a J.P. Losman sooner, they might not be 4 – 10.
I’m glad I’m not the one to tell him to do it, but Bret should seriously think about retirement, or at the very least demanding receivers who know how to run routes.
I guess Billick got Kyle Boller in to see that sports psychiatrist. Either that or he benefited from playing at home against a horrible secondary.

Next Week:
Unless they want the Jets to have a shot at Reggie Bush, the Pats would be wise to leave Tom Brady on the bench.
Bears – Packers, Vikings – Ravens on Christmas Day? That’s JC’s birthday present? Two snoozefests?
I might never stop laughing if the Texans upset the Jags this Saturday.

Week 14 Wrap Up

T.O. Throws Party to Celebrate
Suspension

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Week 14 Wrap Up

Cincinnati stole one from the Browns on Sunday…The Browns. Not the Broncos, not the Steelers, the Browns. Hey Chad Johnson, what happened to your 40 point per game prediction? Not lookin’ so good ‘eh. Think it’s time to worry when you can only put up 23 on the Browns, at home?
The Jets obviously don’t want Reggie Bush. Everything was in place. They hadn’t won in 7 weeks, hadn’t scored an offensive touchdown since they played the San Antonio Saints of Baton Rouge and were relying on a QB from Wisconsin who hasn’t graduated a decent QB since the days of Y.A. Tittle. But what do they do? They go ahead and beat the Raiders.
You think since people were calling for Marques Tuiasosopo after the Raiders got pimp-slapped by the Chargers last week, they’ll be calling for Rich Gannon this week?
Meanwhile, the Texans blew their third straight game while leading at the half. I could’ve come closer kicking blindfolded. Hey Dom, think it’s time to quit when the season isn’t even over and people are speculating as to possible replacements for you.
Kyle Boller is honestly the worst QB in the NFL. Worse than Kyle Orton, Joey Harrington or Charlie Frye? Orton gets props for his 9 – 4 record as a starter (his League worst 60.9 QB rating notwithstanding), Harrington should be okay with a coach & GM who know what they’re doing...no seriously, stop laughing and Frye is showing signs of improvement. Although you can’t tell me Jake the Fake wasn’t just a little embarrassed being outpassed by Kyle the Magnificent 251 – 236. Sadly, that’s a season high for Kyle.
In furtherance of my belief that the NFC stinks; they don’t have a single QB with a rating over 100; not one. The only one who comes close is Matt Hasselbeck with a 92.7…I know, I didn’t believe it either.
Wow San Francisco, 41 – 3? Wow. The Jets could learn a thing or two from these guys.
Hey Carolina, hey Chicago; I told you so. Speaking of which, is it just me or do you get the feeling that the Panthers and Bears are a little like the Ben Affleck’s of the NFL? Think about it. You’re famous, you have a good looking wife, you perform well when the pressure’s off, but no one takes you seriously.
While the Colts were toying with the Jags, was I the only one calling for former University of Utah standout Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala? Well, probably; I just like saying Fuamatu-Ma’afala.
Isn’t the Bills threatening to go after part of Eric Moulds signing bonus a little like poking your dog in the eye and waiting for it to bite you? Not only is it not necessary, it’s just plain stupid. You suspend your leading receiver, get blown out at home, then break the story of your Eagles impersonation while you’re getting smacked down 14 – 0 at the half? I don’t know what kind of brain trust they’ve got up there in Buffalo, but aren’t you happy they’re not running your favorite team? Things got so out of hand, the Pats brought in Doug Flutie. Seriously, I thought they only brought him in when they played BC. And J.P., dog, 1TD, 3 Interceptions…Awesome job man, really top notch. Losmantacular? How about, Losmantastic!

Random Observations:
Kyle Boller is the worst thing to happen to the NFL since Ryan Leaf…Maybe it has something to do with QB’s with “Y” in their names. Think about it, with the exception of Peyton Manning every QB with a “Y” in his name is Losmantastic.
The Dolphins beat San Diego, in San Diego? Is it 1985 or something?
The Chiefs and Grandma-ma took it to the Cowboys, but somehow Drew actually managed not to blow it.
I think the only announcer who hates the Giants more than Dick Enberg is Joe Buck. Although, I’d hate on them too, looking as silly as they did against a guy named Moats. Yeah, like the thing that goes around the castle with the alligators in it.

Next Week:
Ravens – Packers on Monday night? I think the Test Pattern will have higher ratings.
The Bears should return to form against Mike Vick a/k/a Kordell Junior and the Falcons.
Tony Dungy wasn’t serious about giving Jim Sorgi snaps at QB was he?

Week 13 Wrap Up

Lions Lose Again, Millen Gives Self Raise

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Week 13 Wrap Up

Looks like it’s that time of year for Drew Bledsoe again. What time you ask? The time when he takes a viable playoff contender and starts to play like a man bent on self destruction, ripping out the hearts of his teams loyal fans in the process. Did you see Bill Parcells face at the end of the game, that face he gets when he knows it’s fallen apart? That, “I smell bad meat or good cheese” face. Hey Dallas, I’ve got two words for you. Osi Umenyiora! The only person having a better defensive season is Dwight Freeney.
The Jets are still in the hunt for Reggie Bush or at the very least Vince Young. But I’m sick of the Matt Leinart talk. He’s got two bad knees and despite what he and Pete (I’m going to stay at USC forever because I can’t coach in the Pros) Carroll would have you believe, a shoddy arm after the rotator cuff surgery. Here’s an idea, let’s draft a quarterback coming off of a good college career who’s had rotator cuff surgery to replace our quarterback who had a good college career who’s coming off rotator cuff surgery.
For the 8th week in a row, the Bears won…no thanks to Kyle Orton. I mean, the guy completed 6 passes…SIX. Yes, their defense is amazing, but sooner or later you have to stop relying on freak gusts of wind; sooner or later your quarterback has to make plays. While we’re on the subject, Kyle Orton, shave whatever the hell that thing is on your upper lip. You look like William H. Macy in Boogie Nights.
Hey Buffalo, a 21point lead not big enough against Sage Rosenfels? Honestly, this guy is lucky he’s not pumping gas in Sioux City let alone orchestrating what has to be the comeback of the season. No one saw this coming, especially the Bills. If you told them they would crumble the way they did, Gus Frerotte would go down with a concussion and the Dolphins would lay 21 unanswered points on them in the 4th quarter they wouldn’t have believed you.
What’s with the Patriots? They’re just not convincing and the AFC East stinks; it’s seriously the worst division in football. The Patriots shouldn’t even be allowed to go to the playoffs. They basically dared the Jets to beat them, or at least cover, but for the 5th straight road game the Jets failed to score an offensive touchdown. Anyone out there think that one of the following teams doesn’t deserve to go to the playoffs instead of New England? San Diego, Kansas City, Cincinnati or Pittsburgh.
I just want to say that if the Pats asked Brad Johnson to fill in for Tom Brady people would be jumping off the Fleet Center. Although all the people talking about Brad Johnson as an MVP candidate must’ve broken into the stash that Ricky left in his locker at Pro Player Stadium. Yes, Brad is having an inexplicable resurgence this season, but the fact is that Peyton Manning won the MVP this weekend and people can finally stop talking about Jake the Snake as a candidate. I still trust the Vikings as contenders about as much as I trust Smoot Dogg to not already be planning the Love Boat part 2 to celebrate making the playoffs…because you know he is.
Last night John Madden asked, “I don’t know if we’re watching a really good Seattle team or a really bad Philadelphia team.” And then almost as if they’d heard him, the Eagles fumbled on their own 20 resulting in Seattle’s sixth touchdown. Guess we cleared that one up, huh…

Random Observations:
Mike Vick done got Pittsnogled against the Panthers.
Texans want Reggie Bush way to much to let something like getting their second victory of the season get in their way. They had the Ravens beat and gave up a 35 yard screen to Mark Clayton at the end of the game to fall to 1 – 11. Wow. I mean, if you were Dom Capers wouldn’t you just quit and have your doctor stop prescribing you a cocktail of Zoloft, Nexium and Acebutolol?
Did I mention the Indianapolis Colts are the Truth?

Next Week:
The Titans are favored for the first time all season against the Texans. One team that can’t score against a team actively trying not to win ball games. I just wish the Jets and Texans played this season. Couldn’t you just see all the Texans fans rooting for Curtis Martin and booing every time David Carr threw the ball?

Week 12 Wrap Up

Mariucci Fired, Capers Still Employed?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Week 12 Wrap Up

The games this weekend were great and didn’t disappoint, unless of course you were a fan of the Giants, Bills, Cowboys, Texans or Raiders. All of those teams had a chance to win and found a way to blow it.
The Giants inexplicable loss to the Seahawks capped an interesting day of football. While I was watching it, I kept thinking, “hey Dick Stockton, wanna mask your hatred of the Giants any less?” I’m pretty sure the sun was still out on the west coast when Dickie was already calling the game for Seattle.
Earlier that day, someone should have mentioned to Tom Brady that completing passes to the other team doesn’t help your QB rating. Tom had four picks on the day and in the oddest move of the day tried to go for 2 down 26 – 16. Okay Tommy, real simple. Score 2, kick onside, recover, drive down the field against a defense you haven’t been able to score against, and then score 2 again, just to force overtime. Yeah, real simple. The Pats are lucky they’re in the MASH Unit Division because in any other division 6 – 5 wouldn’t even get them a sniff of the Wild Card.
The Colts are scary good; it took them all of what, 6 seconds to score against the Steelers last night? I’m not going to say the big U, but I honestly don’t know if they can be stopped.
I know I shouldn’t pick on the Panthers, but they make it so easy. It took them, what, 6 tries to get in the end zone from 5 yards out in Buffalo? I don’t even know how they got another set of downs inside the 10, but c’mon. If they don’t get bounced in the first round of the playoffs I’ll eat my socks.
When you really think about it though, the NFL this season doesn’t make any sense. How does Oakland beat the Redskins in Washington then lose to Miami at home, while the Chargers destroy the Bills, then need OT to beat Washington? What gives?
What goes through Matt Millen’s head when he decides to fire Steve Mariucci? Dude, Matt. You drafted the same guy three years in a row. Maybe instead of firing your head coach you could not draft injury prone, bong toking wide receivers.
Just when you thought you were done with the T.O. Saga, Jerry Jones has to go and open his mouth. I mean, the Eagles must really be hard up for draft picks. When asked about T.O., Jerry said he’s taken chances before and would love to have a guy like T.O. on his team. So what do the Eagles do, they complain to the league accusing Jerry of tampering. But honestly, why complain when you’ve made it clear you don’t want the guy there in the first place? If anything, the league should give Philly’s pick to Dallas for making us have to hear about T.O. for another week.

Random Observations:
Trent Green on playing in the rain: “I’ve got big hands, slick balls don’t bother me.” C’mon Trent, just because someone sticks a mike in front of you doesn’t mean you have to say something.
J.P. Losman, Best Buffalo Bills quarterback ever…EVER!! QB rating of 62.0. Awesome!
Michael Irvin saying that the “drug paraphernalia” found in his car belonged to a friend? No word on whether Troy & Emmitt were in the area.
Who misses 3 field goals with a chance to win the game? That Giant loss was tougher to swallow than a handful of nails.
As long as Matt Millen is in the firing mood, he should axe himself.
The Indianapolis Colts are the Truth.

Next Week:
The Saints are playing games in more cities than the Expos did two years ago. Sad thing is, people paid to see the Expos.
Bills at Dolphins? Thank god for the remote. I hear the Dolphins left a hookah next to the goal post for Ricky. How else do you explain 82 yards rushing with a TD?
Giants look to right their ship, but in typical Giant fashion will probably crumble.
DMc will be watching his mates get schooled by the Seahawks with his mama…eat your Chunky Soup baby!

Week 11 Wrap Up

Colts Defense Forgets to Fly with
Team to Cincinnati

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Week 11 Wrap Up

No one can really blame you if you missed any of this weekend’s great performances, except me…they were awesome, where were you?!? Didn’t think the Giants could play any worse against the Eagles than they did against the Vikings? Then you must’ve missed the first half of this week’s game. I was honestly so painfully bored watching the first half, I figured as long as I was subjecting myself to torture I’d On-Demand an episode of Ghost Whisperer.
Maybe I was too hasty in saying I thought J.P. Losman had sold his soul to the devil. Obviously, his performance against the Chargers on Sunday was a definite indication the devil gave it back.
Although, if anyone has sold his soul to the devil its Jake Plummer. There is no other reasonable explanation for the way he’s playing this season, except of course, maybe it’s actually not him. If you watch carefully you’ll see Phil Simms doesn’t talk when “Jake” drops back to pass.
I watched the Steelers reel for about 58 minutes against the Ravens, Sunday before briefly getting their act together; before finally losing in OT. When it was over, and Ray Lewis was stabbing a clear path for Matt Stover to walk off the field; all I could think was that if the game proved anything it’s that former XFL MVP Tommy Maddox should never be allowed to touch a football again…ever.
I think I blacked out during the Denver – Seaton Hall game, it was just that terrible. Like eating fish that’s not quite rotten enough to make you sick but leaves you feeling awful…a little like the Jets whole season. Herman Edwards might be the only coach this year to go 3 – 13, get to keep his job & leave anyway. Anyone who believes Herm when he says he’s staying or Woody when he says Herm’s job is secure, raise your hand…yeah, that’s what I thought. Hey Jets, seeing as the Broncos dropped 27 on you and shut you out for the first time in 10 years, I’d say it’s time to buy your tickets for the Reggie Bush Sweepstakes.
This is the only ink I will be giving the Vikings – Packers game.
Remember what I wrote about the Panthers 3 weeks ago? Somehow, I told you so just doesn’t quite cut it. Yes, the Bears have a good defense but what happened to all those people talking about “Steve Smith, “best receiver ever!” and “Steve Smith for MVP!” What happened was a good defense exposed a one dimensional team with a fast, but undersized wide receiver and not a single other talented offensive player. Think I’m wrong? Kobe dropped 43 on the Bulls two nights ago in a loss.

Random Observations:
Is it just me or do Kyle Orton and Kyle Boller both stink out loud? Hey Boller, I’m pretty sure Gary Sheffield could air one out through a goal post from 70 yards away, but you don’t see the Jets signing him. At least not yet anyway.
Not sure if the Atlanta – Tampa Bay game proved how bad the Falcons are or how good Tampa is. Tampa had a lead, blew it came back tied the score, should have lost and won anyway.
The Jets have been penalized somewhere in the neighborhood of about 50 times this season. I’m pretty sure Ty Law is personally responsible for about 30.
C’mon Coors Light, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Fire your ad agency already, please.
The 10 – 0 Colts only forced one punt against the Bengals, what’s that say about their defense come playoff time?

Next Week:
I’d rather sit through Brokeback Mountain than watch the Rams – Texans, Raiders – Dolphins, or Eagles – Packers games.
On second thought, a Randy Moss – Ricky Williams match up should be good for something…they just might hotbox all of Oakland.
If the Panthers can’t beat the Bills this weekend, I smell a first round exit.
If he knew what was good for him, Brian Billick would quit right now. Actually so would Mike Sherman.

Week 10 Wrap Up

T.O. to Eagles, I Told You So…

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Week 10 Wrap Up

Pathetic football performances reigned supreme on Sunday so much so that I don’t even know where to begin. The easy way out would be to pretend the Giants and Jets didn’t even play. I’m not sure whose 4 interception performance was worse, Elijah Manning’s or Brooks Bollinger’s; although seeing as Brooks couldn’t even muster 100 passing yards, I’ll have to go with him. The Giants handed the Vikings 21 points on special teams miscues and turnovers, while the Jets gave up 20 points in the 4th quarter…simply stunning.
Joey Harrington proved he sucked a little less beating the Cardinals in Detroit. But c’mon, he beat the Cardinals and only did it by 8.
Things didn’t stop there though, something disturbing was happening around 4:10, p.m. in Buffalo. A ‘do rag sproting J.P. Losman was leading the Bills to a victory over the Chiefs. Just because the Bills won doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of them. Anyone out there think that J.P. Losman’s passer rating of 124.2 isn’t an indication he has sold his soul? Seriously…And what’s up with the ‘do rag? J.P., dog, let it go. Leave the ‘do rag sporting to the likes of Ray Lewis and Romo.
Speaking of felons, we’re half way through the season and a member of the Ravens has yet to be arrested or suspended for substance abuse; what’s up with that?
I honestly don’t know how the Colts, having scored 40 against the Patriots, didn’t drop at least triple digits on Rice, Sunday. I was really hoping we’d get to see Jim Sorgi by the 3rd quarter.
For a guy who’s not even allowed near a football field, we sure got a lot of T.O. this week; although he did look a little awkward not doing sit ups in his driveway. And someone should tell Drew Rosenhaus that if you’re going to call a press conference you can’t respond to every question with, “I’m not answering that, next question.”
Anyone else catch the U. Chicago – Cal State game? Yeah, me neither. Seriously though, Cody Pickett was 1 – 13 for 28 yards, wow! You’ve got to try really hard to complete only one pass, that’s just plain awful. This game was tougher to sit through than an episode of “Wife Swap,” just not as funny.
Boneheaded Coaching Move of the Week Award goes to…Dick Vermeil. Dude, your offense put up 3 points and you lost to the Bills!

Random Observations:
The Jets fell harder than that security guard who bit it during the Buffalo-KC game.
I didn’t hear any smack talking from Mike Vick this week. What’s up Mike? Light up the Dolphins for a whopping 230 yards, and all of a sudden you’re the second coming of Steve Young? I’d say you looked distinctly like Ryan Leaf on Sunday against Green Bay.
I’m surprised Smoot Dogg hasn’t demanded a trade to Carolina yet.
The Steelers won, relying on Charlie Batch until he broke his hand and even then, Bill Cower didn’t let Tommy Maddox throw the ball.
I think the Ravens are better suited running Philadelphia’s “jailbreak defense” than the Eagles are; as evidenced by their total 4th quarter collapse last night.
Cody Pickett had a passer rating of 7.5 on Sunday. Did you catch that? Seven point Five…wow!

Next Week:
The Los Angeles Saints of San Antonio are on the road in Foxboro. This one will be over before the Saints get off the plane at Logan.
Not sure who has an easier second half schedule: the Panthers, Jaguars or Patriots.
Instead of watching Dolphins – Browns game, I think I’ll ask Jeeves how much the writers on “Laguna Beach” make.
They’re not really going to subject us to 3 hours of Packers – Vikings football next Monday, are they?

Week 9 Wrap Up

Wisconsin Seismologists Confirms, Curly Lambeau Spinning in Grave

Week 9 Wrap Up

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

For the first time in weeks, we actually had some good football on television on Sunday…excluding the Lions – Vikings and the Browns – Titans games. The Packers were probably hoping they’d get a crack at Tommy Maddox, but Bill Cower knows better than to touch a hot stove twice and left Tommy where he belongs; on the bench.
The Jets found new and inventive ways to disappoint their fans, this time blowing four chances to get into the end zone down by five. T.O. had an interesting week. He called out Donovan, then said he thought they’d be better off having Bret Favre and his 14 interceptions instead of DMc, was then made to apologize or be suspended like the Eagles were his momma, got into a fight with Hugh Douglas in the locker room, apologized, and then got suspended anyway. Then DMc comes out and says, “we’re probably better off without him, we played as a team.” Yeah Donovan, you lost as a team too. And from the looks of the offense, it’s possible that Mama McNabb was calling the plays. This is definitely a week where Donovan should’ve eaten his Chunky Soup.
Rather than wasting a lot of ink on Joey Harrington I’ll just say, he proved once again, there’s still no reason to have faith in him. I mean c’mon man; you were playing the Vikings secondary.
The Panthers made a statement beating the reeling Bucs in Tampa this weekend, but after the game their cheerleaders were making quite a different statement in the bathroom at Banana Joe’s. For the record, nothing good can come of entering a place called Banana Joe’s. Come to think of it, nothing good can come from assaulting a bar patron or giving a false name to a police officer either. No confirmation, as yet, if Smoot Dogg was nearby while this was going on, but earlier reports indicate he’s more of a water sports kind of guy and I’m not sure if a women’s bathroom at a Tampa bar would qualify.
The Saints lost another one in the final moments, but they probably wouldn’t have benefited from having Tom “Bayou Fist” Benson doing the Boogie on the sidelines. Hey Tom, maybe instead of beating up cameramen and telling your fans they’re, “a bunch of female cats” you should just sell the team and let them keep what little dignity they have left. Or you could sneak them out of town like Art Modell, whatever works for you…

More Random Observations:
Thank you Dennis Quaid for freaking out before the opening kickoff…you’re making it too easy. That aside, I’m not sure who was trying to keep the Pats in the game more; the refs or the Colts secondary.
Cody Pickett taking a knee just before halftime is indicative of the 49ers entire season and mentality. When the best thing an announcer can say about a member of your team is, “boy, is he acrobatic!” it’s a sad state of affairs. I mean, c’mon, your quarterback is a Rodeo Cowboy…a Rodeo Cowboy!
You almost had me fooled; I didn’t see the Coors Light Train until the 3rd quarter Monday night, when I’m sure the last thing on Pats fans minds was a frosty brew, on their way to a 19 – point smack down.

Next Week:
The Lions and Cardinals battle for irrelevancy in Detroit. Who will start? Who will win? Who cares.
Considering the Jets essentially nailed the coffin shut from the inside against the Chargers, they might actually have a shot at beating the Panthers.
Soon to be former Eagle, T.O. gets to watch his mates lose again without him, to Dallas…again.
The Bucs won’t really lose four in a row, will they?