Picked to Lose, Colts Don’t Cooperate

Picked to Lose, Colts Don’t Cooperate

Week 1 Lead In

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Some things never change: Paris Hilton will always be stupid, Lohan will never wear underwear, Jerry Lewis will continue to drop the “other” F-Bomb, and I will make merciless fun of J.P. Losman, the Buffalo Bills, Brady Quinn & most of the other teams or athletes you like.

With that said, Week 1 of the NFL Season is almost upon us and that smell in the air is the storm clouds rumbling in on Mike Vick’s soon to be over career in the League. I know I missed handicapping Fantasy Players and Drafts for you and I apologize…but I also got to skip out on a favorite segment of yours when I go back over everything I got wrong during the season. Just, FYI: I’m pretty sure I did say the Colts were going to win the Super Bowl.

Time to run down the games for all you gamblers out there.

Saints at Colts (-5.5)

So I started writing this thing before the Colts skeeted on the Saints Thursday night, but if you look at my previous post, I did pick them to win…by the way, Jason Whitlock is a fool.

Colts.

Broncos at Bills (+3)

This is a classic battle of Losmantastic QB’s, J.P. vs. Jay. Cutler? Undeserved hype. Losman? Should be selling oranges near the off-ramp of Exit 00 in Miami. Still, the Broncos are a very good team and their defense got better with the addition of Simeon Rice. The Bills? Well, they did draft Marshawn Lynch and leave it to Marv Levy to throw him to the wolves somewhere around the third snap.

Broncos.

Steelers at Browns (+4.5)

Honestly, I wish Brady Quinn was starting. Troy Polamalu would sprinkle some shrunken-head-dust on him and be eating Monkey Brain’s out of it by half time. The Browns are just awful though and I don’t see how they, even with the help of “soldier” Kellen Winslow can actually beat the Steelers. If the Browns score more than 21 points I’ll give up booze for two weeks!

Steelers.

Eagles at Packers (+3)

No one in a position of management seems to know what the hell they’re going in Philadelphia: Alienate Franchise QB? Check. Cut beloved and still good LB? Check. Not address the poor Wide Receiver situation in the Draft? Check. The Packers still stink, no matter what Favre does when he ambles out with his Revo Electric Scooter. This game falls under the category of having an unlicensed dentist perform complicated surgery on me rather than watch. Still, the Eagles (who are skinnier at Wide Receiver than Nicole Richie) did somehow manage to go 10 – 6 last season (largely thanks to Jeff Garcia, who’s now in Tampa); so they must’ve been doing something right.

Eagles.

Chiefs at Texans (+3)

As if I should really have to explain myself here…

Chiefs.

Titans at Jaguars (-6.5)

The Jags, fresh off kicking Byron Leftwich to the curb, look to start fresh this year. The Titans defense doesn’t really have an answer for Maurice Jones-Drew, which is all well and good because few teams have an answer for Vince Young. Vince Young has no one to throw to. David Garrard has no one to throw to. The biggest thing working against Young and the Titans isn’t so much the Sophomore Slump, but the fact that he’s plastered across the cover of Madden NFL ’08 and more likely to tear something faster than Barbaro coming up the back stretch. Still, I like VY.

Titans.

Falcons at Vikings (-3)

I bet you all those Vikings fans who bought these tickets back in June are doubly pissed at Mike Vick now. The Vikes will be starting Tavaris Jackson at QB, who’s greener than rancid milk but at least shows flashes of competency. They also have Adrian Peterson in the fold, who should be absolutely dynamite on turf. The Falcons on the other hand, take former Heisman “hopeful” Joey Harrington and a bunch of other schmoes up North for the first game of what should be a very long season. If Adrian Peterson weren’t in this game, I’d probably take up crocheting rather have to be subjected to it.

Vikings.

Patriots at Jets (+6.5)

I’m sitting here watching SportsCenter, watching the recap of the Colts hit some clay pigeons and I’m still unsure who’s going to win this match-up. I have about equal respect for Chad Pennington as I have for Sean Preston Federline, so I automatically don’t expect big things. The Pats however, are hurting. Richie Seymore is out for 6 weeks, habitual injector Rodney Harrison is suspended for 4 weeks for substance abuse. I actually like the Jets in an upset…hey look, I found that meth that someone sprinkled on my Wheaties!

Jets.

Panthers at Rams (-1)

A great Conference match-up to kick the Season off. The Panthers took a bigger step backwards than Noltie in the Gingerdead Man; and I’m starting to question Jake Delhomme…oh wait, I was doing that last Season. The Rams meanwhile, gave Marc Bulger the GNP of Belgium and Steven Jackson is primed for another big season. Although I still can’t understand a word that comes out of his mouth.

Rams.

Dolphins at Redskins (-3)

The Dolphins are actually a worse football team than they were last year; Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas are scary good but are also a combined 147, Wes Welker is happily eating Fenway Franks and Cam Cameron not only let Dom Capers coach the games this season, but looks like he should be teaching 8^th graders about xylem & phloem…Jesus! Not to mention, Trent Green is one hard hit away from going on Vision Quests with Ricky Williams. The Redskins stink-out-loud though; and the offensive line didn’t show much enthusiasm for protecting Jason Campbell during the pre-Season. If the Dolphins D can hold it together, I actually like them…who sprinkled Peyote on my Corn Flakes?

Dolphins.

Lions at Raiders (-2.5)

Honestly, who cares?

Lions.

Bears at Chargers (-6)

Normally, I’d be suspect of the Super Bowl losers starting out, but the Bears are pretty good and Lovie does know how to “coach ‘em up.” On the other hand, the Chargers have the amazingly overrated Phillip Rivers, LT, Shawne Merriman & his magic juice! I want to think the Chargers can pull this off, but I have about as much confidence in Norv Turner as I have in the Hoff raising my kids! And I say this knowing the Sex Cannon (Rex Grossman) is all usually kinds of awful.

Bears.

Bucs at Seahawks (-6)

The Bucs couldn’t have been happy when the Schedule came out and they saw that their first five games were against Seattle, New Orleans, St. Louis, Carolina & Indy. The only people who like it rougher are the Panther cheerleaders. Honestly, unless aliens abducted Shaun Alexander, Matt Hasselbeck and Seattle’s ENTIRE starting defense, I don’t see any reason why they shouldn’t win this game.

Seahawks.

Giants at Cowboys (-6)

I don’t see any way the Giants can win this game. During the offseason they got a worse clone of Brandon Jacobs, in Ruben Droughns instead of actually replacing Tiki Barber. Their receivers aren’t that great and Steve Smith is a position receiver at best. Meanwhile, both Outside Linebacker positions are suspect with Mathais Kiwanuka and Kawika Mitchell (who?) starting. As much as it kills me, because I hate Dallas and Tony Romo more than I hate Veggie Burgers, I’ve got to give them the edge…a big one.

Cowboys (as much as it pains me).

Ravens at Bengals (-2.5)

The Ravens are without one of their best defensive players (no, not Stabby McGee) Adalius Thomas, and the rest of the defense now has to rely solely on Lewis & Ed Reed. That’s a pretty tall order for those two. Still, Billick knows a thing or two about coaching a defense…and surprisingly and offense too. They do however, have Willis McGahee and should have no problem running on the NFL’s Jail Blazers.

Ravens.

Cardinals at 49ers (-3)

A couple years ago, I would’ve rather spent my night drinking raw eggs left out in the sun with Ipecac chasers than watch this game. Now that Leinart is at the helm and has a year under his belt and the 49ers surprised a lot of people, me included, even winning 7 games; this game is actually going to be worth watching. I give the 49ers the edge because they’re home and their already decent defense got better with the addition of Nate Clements.

49ers.

Random Observations:

It’s gonna be kinda funny watching Joey Porter in a Dolphins uni.

Notre Dame is the greatest football team ever!! Ha!

Andy Roddick should just shake Federer’s hand before they even get started so he doesn’t have to take a beat down.

Just When You Thought it was Safe to Check Your E-mail…

Just When You Thought it was Safe to Check Your E-mail…

The TMQB Rears it’s Ugly Head…Again

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Where to begin? It’s been god knows how long since my last post. Most of you, (read the three of you, who kept checking this site hoping I’d actually post again) have been greatly rewarded by your patience.

Although, honestly it’s almost football season & this is after all the Tuesday Morning QUARTERBACK; not Pitcher, Striker, Long-Stick-Middie or Coxswain. For starters though, I’m a little worried I’ve forgotten how to be funny kinda the way Lohan forgets to wear underpants. Okay, I know that was a cheap shot, but you’ve got to start small. I mean, you don’t stop riding your Trikey and then months later just jump on a Ducati 999.

We had a pretty busy Off-Season, and rather than try to cover everything that happened let’s just agree to gloss over it briefly shall we? In summation: the Bills still stink, the Dolphins somehow got worse, the Raiders have a 16 year old kid coaching the team, Eli Manning proved he has a charisma of a Bull Python that’s just eaten Volkswagen, no one thinks the Colts are going to repeat (which is fine with me, when they’re getting fitted with another ring), Mike Vick is a HUGE supporter of the ASPCA, and everyone except me has already handed over Super Bowl XLII to the Patriots.

Everyone seems to think the Bills are somehow a better team after they lost their best defensive player in Nate Clements. These are probably the same people who think Chad Pennington is actually a good QB or that Cato June is better off in Tampa Bay. Speaking of the Colts, even after winning a Super Bowl, they still get screwed out of respect like Paris Hilton at a MENSA convention.

The season kicks off Thursday night when the Colts host the Saints and start their title defense a few days early. I won’t even talk about this game, because you obviously know who I think is going to win…that’s the Colts, for any of you who haven’t been reading my little page the past couple years.

Rather than handicap this weekends games today, I’ll save that for Thursday or something. I know what you’re thinking, “Jesus, Elliott is going to promise to post something again and it’ll be another six years before we hear from him again!” Touché; however, I promise that this time it will be different. I will come through in the clutch; which is probably what Britney says every time she shoves that “last” Twinkie in her mouth. Oh, get your minds out of the gutter people…I’m talking about the actual food!

Random Observations:

I wonder if that guy Beansy still reads this thing…?

Did anyone happen to catch Venus Williams’ Fourth Round match against Ana Ivanovic? More pointedly, did anyone check out the chick sitting next to her sister? WOW! I mean, seriously, holy crap!

Gotta make Crazy George feel great when his team sweeps Boston and then drops two of three to the Devil Rays…Getting outscored 23-to-12 in the process.

Next Week:

The Texans start the post-David Carr era with thumping at the hands of the Chiefs.

The Lions-Raiders game will have lower ratings than the Season Finale of ABC’s The Nine.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:

Brady Quinn was in the bathroom stall with Sen. Larry E. Craig?