Friday, February 10, 2006

Week 8 Wrap Up


Cal State Northridge beats Tampa Bay

Week 8 Wrap Up

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Those pesky Matadors from Cal State eked out a victory over the heavily favored Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday in a game that saw Chris Simms do daddy proud by dressing up like a football player for Halloween. And then in an inexplicable turn of events the Houston Texans a/k/a the Rice University Fighting Owls actually won a game and completely screwed up the entire opening of this week’s piece. The Browns outplayed the Texans but they’re learning that relying on Trent Dilfer is a lot like smoking a cigarette, dressed in cheap polyester, while filling your gas tank; sooner or later… Now that they have their first victory I predict the Texans can do anything…except win the AFC South, protect David Carr or be competitive.
The ugly football games continued Sunday when things went from bad to worse for the Vikings (didn’t think it was possible did you?) against the Panthers. Mike Tice, with the understatement of the season said that the possible loss of Daunte Culpepper would be, “devastating to our football team.” Actually Mike, I think Sweet Smoot’s Pleasure Cruise was devastating to your football team, losing your Pro Bowl quarterback when your team is already 2 – 4 just sucks.
By the way, anyone able to figure these Panthers out? Are they for real or not? They squeak by terrible Green Bay and just as awful Arizona by a combined 8 points, lose to the Dolphins and Saints and then shell the hapless Vikings. I mean, they could’ve just as easily have beaten the Raleigh-Durham Triangle Junior Pee Wee Pop Warner Football Club.
I wasn’t picking the Redskins to beat the Giants after the passing of Wellington Mara, but it might’ve been a little less ugly if LaVar was on the field. The Boneheaded Coaching Move of the Week Award will continue to go to Joe Gibbs until he starts playing his best defensive player.
Anyone happen to catch the signs people were holding at the Saints – Dolphins game? “Keep the Saints in New Orleans” & “We Love Our Saints.” Yeah, love them so much LSU didn’t even bother to repaint the field before the game…see you guys in Los Angeles next year.

Random Observations:
Anyone catch Jay Feeley getting love in that United Way commercial? A kicker? Wow, this is head and shoulders above the Akers cameo in the NFL House.
Hey NFL & Coors Light. You guys know its November, right? You think maybe it’s time to pull those ads where the Coors Light Train comes and cools off Foxboro? Unless you’re going to tweak it so the train turns into a giant space heater, send that commercial the way of the Budweiser frogs, my respect for Dom Capers & the Viking’s dignity.
Kelly Holcomb isn’t only a terrible quarterback, I mean c’mon the Browns gave up on this guy; he’s also the ugliest QB in the NFL.
Mike Tice & Mike Martz should both have their resumes on Hotjobs & Monster…if they don’t already.

Next Week:
- The Giants ride high into San Francisco, praying they’re not heavy favorites like Tampa was. The same thing can’t happen two weeks in a row, right? Right?
- The Lions – Vikings game will have lower ratings than game 4 of the World Series…seriously, anyone know who won?
- The Bengals get another chance to be a huge let down going on the road to Baltimore.
- The Jets try their best Vikings impression at home against the Chargers…the losing part, not the other part.
- Saints owner Tom Benson gets another whack at that cameraman against the Bears.

Week 7 Wrap Up

Vinny & the Jets Don’t Fail to Disappoint

Week 7 Wrap up

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Well, the Houston Texans continued their march toward ignominy this weekend. Six losses down, ten to go. David Carr called being sacked by the Colts five times for 42 yards “embarrassing” Really? Obviously, David hasn’t seen his spread in this months GQ…pages away from the very manly Orlando Bloom.
Also competing for the title of Worst Team Ever are the 49ers who got shellacked by the Redskins on Sunday. This one was close right up until the opening kickoff. You think Tim Rattay is still upset he got handed a one way ticket out of town to become Chris Simms’ backup? Although The Boneheaded Coaching Move of the Week Award goes to Joe Gibbs for starting LaVar Arrington against San Fran. Hey Joe, want to know why Priest Holmes ran all over you last week? Because LaVar was sitting on his duff collecting a paycheck. At this point in the Season, the Texans & 49ers aren’t even good enough to contend for the Big 12 & Pac 10 titles.
On short notice, the Chefs from KC served up some pan seared barbeque Mahi Mahi on Friday night in Miami; with Ricky Williams looking twice as bad as he did last Sunday. I know he’s a little rusty and I’m sure a football is harder to grip than a bong, but c’mon Ricky, c’mon…
Watching the Vikings – Packers game, the way their announcers were freaking out, I really thought the Vikings had won the Super Bowl or knocked off the ‘72 Dolphins; Culpepper crying on the sidelines and Tice getting choked up during his press conference? I mean, I’d like to remind these guys they beat the shell of a great team with a QB in the quarter to midnight of his career, a suspect defense and a running back that spent the 4th Quarter on the trainers table with a torn thigh tendon, but I’m afraid they’d bring up Sweet Smoot’s Pleasure Cruise just to make me feel bad.
If Vinny doesn’t serve up three turnovers with a side of touchdown last night the Jets win 17 – 10.

Next Week:
- Since I know Mike Tice isn’t above doing this, I suggest he pay the Colts to play in Viking uniforms against the Panthers…Minnesota could use the bye more.
- Oakland is 0 – 2 on the road and the Titans are 1 – 2 at home…something’s got to give. Or more likely, Randy Moss will have another phantom injury that keeps him from practicing and then allows him to average 14.3 yards per catch with a TD.
- David Carr tries to bounce back after being sacked two less times than the number of passes he completed with a game against the Browns…yeah, because Romeo Crennel isn’t a defensive specialist or anything.
- The Saints, “Let’s see how we can get screwed out of a win this week” tour continues in Baton Rouge.
- With Martz barred from coaching for the rest of the season, can the Rams be stopped?

(Side Note)
What the hell is wrong with FOX? Honestly, what are they thinking? Jillian Barberie’s segment, “Who’s the Sexiest Man in the NFL?” Are they serious? I saw this when looking at the Power Rankings for weeks 6 & 7 and thought it was a joke. Jillian Barberie doesn’t make me any more interested in the NFL than Pamela Anderson does in reading. See if you can follow the following If – Then equation:
x = # of men who watch the “NFL on FOX”
y = # of men still even remotely interested in Jillian Barberie
If x is greater than y, then how much did FOX’s ratings share drop for the minute Jillian was on screen?
Answer next week.

Week 6 Wrap Up

Vikings Accused of Lewd Behavior on Boats
Week 6 Wrap Up

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Did anyone happen to catch that Seahawks – Texans game on Sunday night? Wow, Dom (Mike) Capers looked genuinely confused; either that or the owners are keeping him heavily sedated so he forgets just how terrible his team is and doesn’t quit. The Texans have a chance to do something really special and go 0 – 16. A quick look at their schedule only has one possible lock (Week 17 against the 49ers and c’mon, even they’ve won a game). I would suggest they start playing college teams, but I’m pretty sure USC, Texas, Notre Dame & Virginia Tech could all beat the Texans by 32.
The Bills – Jets game was about as interesting as watching latex paint dry…you’re not really sure what’s actually happening, and when it’s over you end up looking like the RCA dog a/k/a Dom Capers. Vinny was sacked 5 times for 35 yards…he lost more yards than Ricky Williams and Daunte Culpepper gained, combined! I’m thinking the Jets should start resting him six-to-nine months between starts.
Thank you, Mike Tice for opening your mouth and guaranteeing your team would win on Sunday. I know it would’ve been nice to get a win and forget about the Love Boat, but just saying it isn’t going to make it happen; I mean you were playing the Bears, not the Texans.
Okay, a quick quiz. The Love Boat makes the Dallas Cowboys White House look like:
A) A trip to Epcot Centre
B) A normal weekend for Robert Downey Jr. & Mickey Rourke
C) Finally, something to take the pressure off of my scalping those Super Bowl tickets!

Next Week:
The Colts had a tough one this week against Washington University, but they should bounce back nicely on the road at UTEP.
With the bye week, Jake Delhomme gets to think about how he threw almost as many TD’s to the Lions in one game as Joey Harrington has thrown to them all season.
If my equation is correct, after giving up 27 to the Bucs the Dolphins should surrender 108 points to the Chiefs

Week 5 Wrap Up

Season Makes No Sense, Writers Baffled

If you had told me at the start of the season that the Bengal’s would be 3-1, the Colts 5-0 & the Vikings would be 1-3, I would have asked what brand of glue you were sniffing, Secretariat or Funny Cide…Honestly, Mike Tice might be the single worst coach in NFL history. In a few short seasons, he’s taken Denny Green’s talented perennial playoff contender and turned them into the joke of the NFC North.
Anyone remember former Colt’s Coach Jim “Playoffs?!?!?!!?” Mora? Boy, they just don’t make train wreck coaches like they used to. Oh wait, yes they do; Mike Martz, Mike Tice, Mike Holmgren, Mike Sherman, and Mike Mularkey* are all awful. In fact, Dom Capers & Brian Billick should both change their names to Mike, just for the symmetry. The hospitalization of Mike Martz could prove to be the catalyst for the Rams winning the NFC West. I’m totally serious, think about it. Without him who will decide to run on 4th & 26? Without him, who will attempt a fake punt on their own 5 yard line?
So how is this week shaping up?
The Colts had a tough tune up against Stanford last week, but I think they should be able to beat Washington University…do they even have a football team?
The Saints are 1-0 in San Antonio, then again at this point in the season the Knicks and Hornets are both undefeated.
I’m wondering how many more weeks it’s going to take Lions fans before they start hoping Joey Harrington tears his rotator cuff…or at least stops referring to himself as: Joey.

* I played high school football at a prep school and could’ve told you that starting J.P. Losman at QB was a terrible idea. I mean, the guy practically has “Lose” in his name.