Friday, October 19, 2007

Week 7 Lead In

Dolphins Excited to Continue Sucking

Week 7 Lead In

Friday, October 19, 2007

Well, another Friday is upon us and you know that means it’s time to put what little reputation I have on the line and pick some football games. I’m still in search of the perfect week (something I came very close to last season, but am having trouble hitting my stride…mainly because the Bears and Seahawks are streakier than Louie Anderson’s underwear) and I’m hoping I won’t have to wait to long. So before I start to get away from myself, let’s get busy.

Cardinals at Redskins (-7)
God Boy is apparently on the mend, but the wind does funny stuff in the Capitol and his arm is literally being held together with tape and a brace. His replacement is Tim Rattay, who let’s face it, is just terrible. I just worry about the Redskins ability to score points. They only have one win by 8 or more points…and that was against the Lions! Also, if Rattay goes down, the Cardinals third option is Tim Hasselbeck…hmmm.

Falcons at Saints (-8.5)
Byron Leftwich gets his first start with the Falcons and the Saints look to right their ship with another victory. After watching what they did in Seattle, how could you not pick them to win this game? The Falcons are in complete disarray right now. Arthur Blank didn’t even stick around to watch the end of the game last week.

Ravens at Bills (+3)
Trent Edwards (the guy who “gave the Cowboys a scare”?) gets the nod against the Bills. Not like it’s going to matter, Ray Lewis is going to going to slay the Bills offense. I picked against the Ravens last week because Kyle Boller was getting the nod and I just his QB skills about as much as I trust Federline to perform complicated dental surgery on me. Still, the Bills are awful.

Patriots at Dolphins (+17)
I’ve been thinking this was a trap game since I saw it on the schedule. The Pats are flying high, Belichick is squirreling away video and Tom Brady has probably impregnated Adriana Lima. The Dolphins are home and I mean, they’ve gotta win at some point, right? I’m not saying it’s going to happen Sunday, but I also don’t see them getting blown out at home. My friend “Caprice” is probably a Dolphins fan…I should just pick against them to spite her…but 17-points is a lot of points. On the other side of the coin, Joey Porter’s been a bigger disappointment than I Know Who Killed Me, and if he doesn’t turn things around it could be a very long winter in Miami. Good thing they still have lots of blow and orange women, huh?

49ers at Giants (-9.5)
Oh man, you know Eli Manning can’t wait to screw this one up! The Giants are quietly on a roll and they’re 9.5-point favorites at home? The past few weeks, the Giants have won in spite of him…although Andy Reid helped out a lot matching a rookie against Osi Umenyiora. The 49ers are capable of surprising the Giants, but I’m capable of lifting a car above my head…if I were in Tulsa and on crank!

Bucs at Lions (-2.5)
My erstwhile buddy Beansy reared his ugly head this week, but it’s nowhere near as ugly as this game has the potential to be. The Lions are terrible, but they play in one of the NFL’s worst divisions. The Bucs are also bad, but nowhere near as bad as the Lions. I mean, at least they’re on the same page and John Kitna and Roy Williams are drinking the same crack-laced Cool-Aide, predicting 11 wins.

Titans at Texans (Push)
No one knows whether Vince Young is starting or not. We all remember what happened last year though, when VY went back home and showed Houston how good of an idea it was to select Mario Williams instead of him, don’t we? He ran for almost 90 yards and passed for another 218. Still, being backed up by Kerry Collins isn’t so bad…unless he decides to get interception happy. All that aside, I think Young’s leg would have to be hanging by a thread to keep him out of this game.

Chiefs at Raiders (-2.5)
I’d rather spend my afternoon rendering fat!

Jets at Bengals (-6)
Dennis the Menace seems determined to live and die by the sword of Chad Pennington. Right now, he’s been flayed pretty badly. The Jets stink and I have no doubt that if they somehow have the lead win the waning minutes of the game Chaditha will confuse Orange for Green.

Vikings at Cowboys (-9.5)
The Vikings surprised the Bears in Chicago last weekend, what’s to say they can’t do it again against the Cowboys in Dallas? Oh yeah, the Bears are streaky…but you know what, so are the Cowboys. The boys from Dallas almost lost to Buffalo a few weeks ago, and then let a “bunch of Yankees” come down South and touch ‘em up. Seriously, the last time Southerners let themselves get treated that poorly in consecutive weeks Grant was skeeting all over Lee’s forehead.

Bears at Eagles (-5)
This is a tough one. The Bears look terrible this season, and replacing rex Grossman with Brian Griese has proved about as successful as Hilary Duff’s singing career. The Eagles meanwhile, are now relying solely upon Brian Westbrook because Donovan McNabb still doesn’t have anyone to throw to. Look at it this way, the Eagles managed only 1 TD against the Jets and their defense is, well, terrible. I know the Eagles are home, but I don’t see them winning this thing by any more than a field goal.

Rams at Seahawks (-9)
If the Seahawks can’t win this game, they should probably disband the team. Seriously, losing to winless teams in back-to-back weeks? You know the Walrus is probably still scratching his head raw and bloody trying to figure out how the hell last week’s game happened. Right now the Rams are worse than puppy cancer…at an orphanage…on Christmas!

Steelers at Broncos (+3.5)
Normally (in years past), I’d have reservations about picking the Steelers to go into Denver and knock off the Broncos; but Jay Cutler has been playing more like Jay Thomas, so I’m not too worried. The Steelers are also coming off a bye and should have the Samoan Assassin back with the defense, which could mean a world of hurt for little Jay.

Colts at Jaguars (+3)
It been a couple weeks since there’s been a worthwhile game on Monday night. So while I’m elbow deep in Veal parts, the Colts will hopefully be keeping that record unblemished. Surprisingly, I’m not as worried as I should be…maybe I don’t have as much confidence in David Garrard as Jack Del Rio does.

Random Observations:
Tim Hasselbeck, NFL Quarterback or not, should not be allowed to impregnate Elizabeth Hasselbeckespecially multiple times! Seriously, that’s just not fair.
I’m sure Cleveland is happy to have the bye, but honestly it’s like putting Richard Simmons in a room with a naked Halle Berry…wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Photo Credit: Tony Dejak, Associated Press


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