NFL Prediction Spectacular, Part Deux

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

NFL Prediction Spectacular, Part Deux

We’ve already covered the NFC, although some of you have made it known you were less than happy with the way the Divisions shaped up. To you I say, in the immortal words of Homer J. Simpson, “if you don’t like it, go to Russia!” That said, lets get down to business and handicap ourselves the AFC.

American Football Conference
There’s no doubt about it, the AFC is the American League to the NFC’s National. Think of the AFC like the Sheen/Estevez Family; they’re a little crazy, they seem to grab more headlines and there’s a much higher chance one of them is going to do something crazy just to see if he can get away with it (I’m thinking mainly of the marriage to Paula Abdul and brief Demi Moore engagement). The disparity usually shows up best in head-to-head match ups, something is lost during the Super Bowl (what should’ve been a Pittsburgh blowout) and guys could care less about showing up to play in Hawaii with nothing on the table…You really think Chad Johnson is calling up DeAngelo Hall in the middle of May, being like, “yo, you got served back in February, son!” Well, maybe not Chad Johnson, but you get the point.

AFC East
The East is pretty strong and a bear of a Division to figure out. You’re almost assured of the Bills beating the Patriots 31 – 0 to open the season and then losing by the exact same score a few weeks later…The East is the Martin Sheen Division (you thought the West was going to be the Marty Sheen Division, didn’t you?). Once respectable, they went through a rough patch but in recent years have come on strong with a string of hits and even on their worst day (Jets and Bills; or worse, Jets v. Bills) they’re still dangerous.
Dolphins 10 – 6 (Once again, who would you rather have throwing to you, Frerotte or Culpepper?)
*Patriots 10 – 6 (Tom Brady will find a way, that’s what he does…more on Brady later this week)
Bills 6 – 10 (They might improve slightly over last year, but their QB is still Losmantacular!)
Jets 4 – 12 (I just don’t see how they can succeed, especially without Curtis Martin)

AFC North
The Emilio Estevez Division. They were a little crazy in the 70’s & 80’s with the Steel Curtain (and yes, I know the North didn’t exist in the 70’s & 80’s but still) and unnecessarily brash Art Modell pissing people off every other week. Then came a long, long, LONG dry spell (Ray & Super Bowl MVP Trent Dilfer notwithstanding) but now with the recent success (or new movie) respectability might be the only thing keeping you from rehab…I’m looking at you Jamal Lewis. FYI: This Division is pretty much up for grabs; with the exception of the Browns, everyone has a shot…well, maybe not the Ravens, not really.
Steelers 10 – 6 (Their D is stout and they won’t miss Big Ben that much this week)
Ravens 9 – 7 (Ray made me promise, he made me)
Bengals 8 – 8 (Too many distractions this season, I think a step back is in the cards)
Browns 6 – 10 (My soccer playing cousin has a stronger arm than Charlie Frye)

AFC South
The Robert Downey Jr., Division. The best friend who is more popular than the rest of the family combined, not as flashy as Charlie and not as much hardware either, the South still brings it and seems to flame out (usually from self-sabotage or self-doubt) continually just before making it to the top. I expect big things from the Colts (surprise, surprise), but I think the Jags and possibly the Texans will still give some other teams a lot of trouble.
Colts 13 – 3 (Cato June frightens me and Peyton Manning could throw 25 TD’s in his sleep)
Jaguars 10 – 6 (They’re good, but can’t challenge the Colts without Jimmy Smith)
Texans 6 – 10 (I’d definitely want Ron Dayne instead of Reggie Bush, wouldn’t you?)
Titans 5 – 11 (Bad things are going to happen if Vince Young gets to start before Week 6)

AFC West
The Charlie Sheen Division. The younger brother (a lot of old AFL teams here) and they get a little rambunctious at times. Usually a good smack upside the head by older brother Emilio or dear old dad can knock some sense into Chuck. The Broncos are the best team in this division by virtue of the Chargers losing their starting QB and relying on a guy who’s taken like 3 NFL snaps, while the Chiefs are a year older and lost a huge hole-creator and Pro Bowl Tackle in Willie Roaf.
Broncos 12 – 4 (There is an inverse relationship between Jay Cutler’s number of snaps and the Broncos wins)
*Chiefs 11 – 5 (I expect big things from Tamba Hali and the Baby Chiefs D)
Raiders 9 – 7 (Al Davis hasn’t been this happy to start a season since he helped Grandpa and Ox find the Hellfish Bonanza)
Chargers 6 – 10 (I trust Philip Rivers about as much as Denise trusted Charlie)

So there it is. My NFC & AFC predictions are now set. See above if you disagree.
Tomorrow, the Playoff Prediction Spectacular. Expect the Colts to go far...

Bobby Bowden Beatdown Special

Clock Broken in Pittsburgh, Tiger Wins, Can’t Spell

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Bobby Bowden Beatdown Special

Hey kids, guess what happened this weekend? Anyone want to take a stab; not you Ray; at who won the Deutsche Bank Championship on Monday, shooting 8 under on the day? No takers? Yeah, I’m at a loss too. Was it that Phil Nickelson guy (what my mother calls him)? You know, the one with the man boobs, snide look on his face and the wife that’s way out of his league? It wasn’t him? Oh, that’s funny I remember everyone saying he was the best a couple months ago; I haven’t been following that much golf, what happened?
There was some less expected news in the sports world this weekend, Chargers staring Linebacker Steve Foley was shot outside his home three times; apparently in the arm, leg and chest; by an off-duty police officer. Considering the news broke late Sunday night, the story has already changed about 17 times and the hospital isn’t granting access to Foley doesn’t bode well…for anybody involved. Seriously, what is it with NFL players being a magnet for gun violence?
Got to give a special shout out to the Spanish National Team for treating the Greeks like they stole the big pot of paella. I should actually be happy considering I understand Spanish, I like Churros and the Greeks did beat the US; dropping 101 on them in the process. But I’m actually even more upset because even after the US beat the Argentines in the Bronze medal game just knowing that Spain wasted the Greeks worse than Lindsey Lohan at Orchid kinda hurts. Spain’s defense allowed Greece to score an eye-popping 47 points while the mighty Greeks only let their Spanish counterparts score 70.
Florida State and Miami played to a “thrilling” 13 – 10 finish Monday night. The game was offered on 15 of the 20 EPSN channels with tons of camera angels and other goodies to fill the programming void; but it just didn’t do it for me; not when you’ve got the ‘Noles and the Canes, two heavyweights duking it out in the ring. Maybe when Texas Christian plays UAB, fine, give me a defensive showdown but honestly if I wanted to watch 2 teams march up and down the field and not score on each other I’ll just tune into the Jets – Texans game in Week 12.
Now to the task at hand, discussing the NFL news of the week starting with one time (for about a day) Jets running back Lee Suggs being released by the Browns and quickly snapped up by the Dolphins. Under normal circumstances, I’d say the Browns made the right move but Nick Saban scares me a little bit and seems to be able to get a whole lot from his players. Maybe being handed the ball by someone who can rip his head off will give Suggs the motivation he needs.
It’s official, Bill Belichick wakes up every morning, reaches for a bottle marked “Crazy” and downs 3 pills with his morning coffee. After the Patriots basically told their Super Bowl MVP Quarterback, Tom Brady, we don’t care what you think the team gave another SBMVP, Deion Branch, until 4, p.m. Friday to seek a trade with a team that was willing to meet his contract demands. Poor Deion didn’t just find one team, he found two; with the Jets and Seahawks both willing to give him far more than the half-eaten bag of peanuts, Shasta Cola and used Band-aid the Patriots were offering. So what do Bill and the rest of the cold weather addled brain trust do up there? They reject the Jets offer (believed to be a 2nd round pick) and essentially tell Branch to have fun not having any money since the team is also fining him something like $15,000 a day.
I am so excited about the start of the season on Thursday night it’s insane!

Random Observations:
I’m about 95% sure Amelie Mauresmo should be playing on the ATP instead of the WTA, and I’m about 100% sure she could whip that punk Lleyton Hewitt.
The Yankees beat their farm team a/k/a Kansas City Royals last night and gave a few young kids a chance to showcase their talent, hoping for a call up next year.
The hospital food in the Pittsburgh area must be awesome!

Next Week:
Sunday Night Eli learns what it means to be little brother. Colts 38, Giants 13.
I can’t believe I’m writing this…the Mets “Magic Number” should be about 8.

NFL Prediction Spectacular

Sunday, September 03, 2006

NFL Prediction Spectacular

Since we’re actually starting the Tuesday Morning Quarterback off on the right foot this season and starting at the beginning of the season I’m pretty geeked about September, because aside from January…and maybe April, it’s the greatest football month of the year. Every year, my dad and I handicap all of the major sports (read, MLB & NFL) all the way down to the World Series or Super Bowl, respectively. I’ve been pretty good at this the last few years (easier for baseball because you pick the Yankees and Red Sox and then representatives from the Central & West) sooner or later I’ll have it down to a science. Today we’ll be kicking off with the NFC, tomorrow it’s the AFC and then I’ll do the Playoffs on Tuesday (another double installment comin’ at ya!), then I’ll wait a while before dropping some Super Bowl knowledge on you.

National Football Conference
Let’s face it the NFC is like the Baldwin family. Together they’re respectable with a sizable set of accomplishments to their credit (not all of them good), and maybe a few tricks up their collective sleeve, but for the most part they’ve become forgotten and overshadowed by younger (younger), better looking (faster) and more talented actors (players).

NFC East
Since I just can’t bring myself to trust the Redskins or Cowboys (mainly because I hate the Redskins and the Cowboys, especially the Tuna/Bledsoe version, seem to be especially fond of implosion and adding T.O. to that Partridge Family just reeks of an E! True Hollywood Story) I’m going to go with the Giants winning the East, they did win it last year…debacle at the Meadowlands notwithstanding. I know what you’re thinking. “Jesus, Elliott, how much crack with glue sprinkled on it are you smoking these days?” I don’t care, I’m going with the Giants.
Giants 11 – 5 (Pretty sure I had Eli, Tiki & the Defense all rated highly)
Redskins 9 – 7 (Joe Gibbs needs a dribble cup and Mark Brunell is 75)
Cowboys 9 – 7 (I’m laying a Sawbuck on T.O. being benched by the Orca before Week 6)
Eagles 7 – 9 (Donovan is great, blah blah, blah, but Stallworth is no T.O.)

NFC North
This is, with the exception of perhaps the NFC West, the absolute worst Division in football. It’s like the William Baldwin of the NFL; the only thing you’ve got going for you is that you kind of look like Alec (NFC East) but even at his most fat, bloated and divorced he’s still got more talent than you’ll ever have.
Bears 11 – 5 (The Bears could cruise to 10 wins in this Division with J.P. Losman at QB)
Vikings 8 – 8 (Mummified Brad Johnson is one big hit away from crumbling into dust)
Lions 6 – 10 (This team will stink as long as they keep Millen employed)
Packers 5 – 11 (If by the grace of god the Packers win more than 5 games I will fly to Atlanta and kiss Favre’s ring)

NFC South
The NFC South is better than the North by a fair amount, but again only has one very strong team. They’re more like the Daniel Baldwin of the NFC; respectable and they resemble Alec, but...they’re not.
Panthers 12 – 4 (They’re still head and shoulders above everyone else in the South)
Falcons 9 – 7 (John Abraham makes them better, but he doesn’t throw TD's either)
Bucs 8 – 8 (I think Gruden wants to be in Tampa as much as I want to be in Hoboken)
Saints 5 – 11 (They’ve got to improve with Reggie Bush and Drew Brees, they’ve got to!)

NFC West
The West is the Stephen Baldwin on the NFC. Used to be a big ticket, completely bottomed out, reformed, but still not very good, and now won’t shut up about it. The West has a very good team, one on the rise (maybe two depending on what Linehan is able to do with Stephen Jackson and Marc Bulger) and one team that stinks out loud.
Seahawks 11 – 5 (They’ll be good, but not as good as last year)
Cardinals 8 – 8 (Everything should fall into place nicely for Dennis Green)
Rams 6 – 10 (Better, but not great)
49ers 4 – 12 (They couldn’t even win the Pac-10 right now)

Tomrrow, I handicap the AFC although it should be no secret that I'm pretty high on the Colts.