PGA Championship Wrap Up

Papi Only Member of Sox not Having Trouble Getting Lift

PGA Championship Wrap Up

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Things Thankfully not Covered in this Week’s Installment:
The status of Burgermeat Barbaro.
Current levels of testosterone in Floyd “Bizarro Kid Rock” Landis.
Jay Cutler; in any way, shape or form.

Remember a few months ago when everyone was talking about how Tiger’s had lost “it” and it was time for Phil Mickelson (manboobs and all) to take the reigns of golf in a new, couch potato, Krispy Kreme eating, bacon grease dribbling down his chin, poor shot selecting, crumble under pressure direction? Remember? Yeah, apparently Tiger remembers too, that’s why he (for the second Major in a row) Iked the entire field to pocket Major Number 12 and move into Second Place on the All-Time list behind Jack himself.
It’s not like I wanted this to happen and I certainly wouldn’t say I’m happy about it (unlike Mets fans, Yankee fans could care less what happens to the Mets), but I do remember saying the Mets were walking a slippery slope relying on Pedro and Tom Glavine. The former is on the DL for an indeterminate amount of time while reports were that the latter’s career could possibly be over. Sure the Mets are better than everybody else in the NL but I don’t think the likes of John Maine, Victor Zambrano and El Duque (67 year old arm and all) exactly strike fear in the hearts of the other playoff contenders. Although the news might not be all bad, as early Tuesday morning sources said Glavine could be ready to go as soon as next week. Your guess is as good as mine, but I still think Willie Randolph shouldn’t breathe easy until November.
Also trying to stay in the playoff hunt are the Blue Jays but every time they try to get on track and make the impossible leap over the Red Sox and Yankees weird things start to happen. Things like a pitcher and manager getting into a visibly heated exchange on the mound; not so uncommon, followed by alleged fisticuffs…slightly less common. So obviously the question on everyone’s mind, or at least on mine, is what the hell is John Gibbons doing trying to fight all of his players? First he challenged Shea Hillenbrand to a fight in July, which I’m just guessing would not have ended badly for the 6’1” 210 Hillenbrand. Then he allegedly charges Ted Lilly in the tunnel leading to the clubhouse and ends up getting his nose bloodied. You know, if things don’t work out with Gibbons, I’m sure Albert Belle is looking for a job managing.
Speaking of tempers, mammoth egos and god complexes, T.O. is still on the shelf with that nagging hamstring injury and is set to have another MRI to find out what’s going on. Meanwhile, Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones continues to dilute himself saying there’s nothing wrong and that Owens isn’t angry at Parcells for not being cleared to play. I’m waiting for Dallas papers to start having headlines that read, “T.O. being T.O.” Funny thing is, T.O. is good enough to just decide to play half the games this season and still have a better season than say, Justin McCareins (for example).

Random Observations:
Sergio Garcia needs to seriously stop hating. Serg, dude, win a f-ing Major first, then talk shit. Anyone out there honestly think that if Woods had set his sights on baseball of football instead or golf that he wouldn’t be better than ARod or Tom Brady? Defy me, I dare you.
Since Gibbons likes starting fights he can’t possibly win, I suggest he join the UFC.
The Mets don’t learn do they? Going after Shawn Green? Last time I checked, he might be observant like Koufax but he sure can’t pitch.
I care about Notre Dame and their National Championship chances almost as much as I care about the supposed Pesto shortage-causing hailstorms in Italy.

Next Week:
The Zombie flu affecting Sox pitcher Julian Tavarez will continue to spread to the rest of the staff.
Barry hits another home run, maybe he doesn’t…even people in San Francisco don’t even seem to care anymore.
The Arizona Cardinals new stadium probably gets a name, but not the one I’m holding out for.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback's Fantasy Draft Spectacular

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The moment you've all been waiting for has finally arrived. Before, I was just teasing you like a schoolyard bully or the pages of Maxim; but now it's for real. So without further adieu, I give you the Tuesday Morning Quarterback's Fantasy Draft Spectacular.
I will be rating the top 5 players at all skill positions as well as my top 10 reach players that could make or break your Fantasy season. I’ve even rated Linebackers and Defensive Ends for those of you in those weirdo leagues that chart that type of stuff.

Quarterback:
In many respects, this should seem like a no brainer...especially for me. And you know what, it is; Peyton Manning. The loss of Edge James means that Mr. I Can Read the Hell out of a Defense, as long as it's not Playoff Time, will just have to work a little harder. I'm pretty sure he's up to the task. After that it gets a little hazy because of late season injuries and random acts of stupidity.
1) Peyton Manning (Ind.) - Let's face it, the dude is nothing if not reliable.
2) Tom Brady (New) - The guy threw for over 4,000 yards last season. Great TD/Int. Ratio.
3) Matt Hasselbeck (Sea.) - Average last 3 seasons: 3,500 yards, over 20 TD's, nuff said.
4) Carson Palmer (Cin.) – Off-season knee surgery aside, he's one of the best. Careful if he takes too long coming back.
5) Eli Manning (NYG) or Trent Green (KC) - Both could have big seasons. Way I see it, Eli is due for a true breakout while Trent is streakier than a 10 year olds underpants.

Running Back:
This position is a little dangerous, generally because the guys are a little older and with a guy who touches the ball almost as much as the quarterback, there's always a chance something could go wrong.
1) Shaun Alexander (Sea.) - Despite the loss of Hutchinson he's still one of the best at what he does.
2) Tiki Barber (NYG) - Led the League in total yards last season and Eli is more mature.
3) Larry Johnson (KC) - The full load goes to him with an injured Padre.
4) LaDainian Tomlinson (SD) - Could be #2 but for Phil Rivers.
5) Steven Jackson (StL) - Balanced back that should get a lot of touches this season

Wide Receiver:
Receivers for the most part have the easiest job. Run down the field, catch the ball. A good QB can make terrible/mediocre receivers look good; See: Tom Brady or Matt Hasselbeck.
1) Steve Smith (Car.) - His numbers might take a slight dip with Keyshawn around, but he's still amazing.
2) Marvin Harrison (Ind.) - Minus Edge just means more balls thrown his way.
3) Larry Fitzgerald (Ari.) - He makes me happy like knowing Snakes on a Plane almost got beat by a movie about NASCAR.
4) Anquan Boldin (Ari.) - Honestly, no better 1-2 receiving tandem in the league (that plays up to this talent level).
5) Reggie Wayne (Ind.) - I expect big things...but I'm allowed.

Tight End:
The tight end position has taken on a whole new dynamic in the last few seasons. Ever since ex-basketball players like Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates brought athleticism (read, the ability to jump more to the position, tight end isn't just for Kyle Brady and Liberace anymore.
1) Antonio Gates (SD) – C’mon, I just wrote the dude’s name down.
2) Todd Heap (Bal.) – McNair sure as hell isn’t Kyle Boller, which is a really good thing.
3) Jeremy Shockey (NYG) – Better Eli means one of the best Fantasy TE’s gets better.
4) Tony Gonzalez (KC) – Great pick up, unless Trent Green decides to pull a Glenn Foley and suck.
5) Randy McMichael (Mia.) – Going out on a limb here, but who would you rather have throwing you the ball, Culpepper or Gus Frerotte?

Linebacker:
Unless you’re sniffing some high quality Funny Cide brand horse glue, you should already know who comes in at No. 1, trouble starts when you rank 2 – 4.
1) Brian Urlacher (Chi.) – Until they prove otherwise, he still leads the best defense in the League.
2) Jonathan Vilma (NYJ) – Jets fans should just be happy one of their guys made the list.
3) Zach Thomas (Mia.) – Stud for the Dolphins last year with over 160 tackles. Look for him to be pissed JT is divorcing his sister too.
4) Ray Lewis (Bal.) – Ray made me promise to put him on the list. There you go Ray, now put the shank down.
5) Keith Bulluck (Ten.) – With David Thornton coming over from Indy (I refuse to discuss this further), Keith could be a madman this season.

Defensive Line:
This is basically the Defensive End category and we all know who’s coming in with the top spot.
1) Dwight Freeney (Ind.) – You know what the man is capable of…
2) Jason Taylor (Mia.) – I have a hard time ranking him #2, but honestly no one else is better.
3) John Abraham (Atl.) – Johnny should go ape not being in New York, although Herm was a good defensive coach…we’ll see.
4) Michael Strahan (NYG) – Pretty sure all that talk about “alternative lifestyles” will rouse the Sack King out of his slight 2005 stupor, having LaVar backing you up doesn’t hurt either.
5) Derrick Burgess (Oak.) – Art Shell knows how to coach a defense.

Team Defense:
We’ve already touched on No. 1, but what may be surprising, or not so surprising considering my Colt affinity is No. 2.
1) Chicago Bears – Brian Urlacher + Lovie Smith + Ron Rivera
2) Indianapolis Colts – They’re my dogs…and Mike Doss hits harder than Semi with it’s break line cut.
3) Carolina Panthers – Peppers and the boys are just really, really good.
4) Pittsburgh Steelers – Trotter says a lot of stupid stuff, but he backs it up.
5) New York Giants – No reason they shouldn’t be in the top 5 if the LB’s stay healthy.

Makers/Breakers:
This is the fun part, because you could look back on some of these guys around Week 6 and think, “damn, I should’ve picked him. Sure, he could’ve sucked worse than the previews of “The Covenant” but he also could’ve been as good as my picking up Dwight Freeney in the early rounds…wow, what a great pick that was!”
1) Kurt Warner (Ari.) – This guy could either do amazing things with that offense or have you fellating an exhaust pipe by mid-October.
2) Reggie Bush (NO) – Sure, it's a sexy pick but the guy's a rookie and going to be splitting the load with Deuce. Not to mention, he didn’t look all that great against Dallas last night.
3) Drew Bledsoe (Dal.)– With TO in the fold could make for a nice pick, but his TD-to-INT ratio scares me a little bit. Not to mention, you never know which Drew is going to show up.
4) Edge James (Ari.) – Too many factors at play in AZ, the O-Line is nowhere near as good as it was in Indy; not to mention Edge is no Marshall Faulk.
5) Terrell Owens (Dal.) – You’re salivating thinking about taking him right now, I know it. Personally, I think taking Owens is like leaving your blood soaked finger in a Wolf’s mouth, sooner or later…
6) Chad Johnson (Cin.) – Not going to lie, I really like him, but my boy RW gets first dibs on props.
7) Clinton Portis (Was.) – I’m worried about the shoulder; but not nearly as worried that Joe Gibbs thinks Doug Williams is still the Quarterback.
8) Donovan McNabb (Phi.) – All the Chunky Soup in the world isn’t going to make up for the fact that he has no one to throw to.
9) Michael (“Mamma said not to call me Mike”) Vick (Atl.) – Didn’t you already pick a running back?
10) Mike Vanderjagt (Dal.) – I’m tired, I'm going to sleep and if you seriously need help picking a Kicker there are much bigger problems here…

So there you go, chose wisely and remember; if I’m wrong I had nothing to do with it, but if I’m right…sing my praises. Sing my praises from the hilltops!