Week 14 Wrap Up

’72 Dolphins Disavow Existence of Current Team

Week 14 Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The TMQB has made its return from Vegas where, as I mentioned to a couple buddies of mine, I stayed away from the craps table. I did lay some money on a couple parlays, trying to have a little extra booze money in my pocket, which was rendered virtually useless when I went to one of the clubs where my buddy Sal works and drank Maker’s Mark until I went blind, cut my ear off and thought I was Hemmingway until realized I was just passed out on the bathroom floor being spooned by one of the girls who dances in the cages suspended from the ceiling. That aside, Vegas was fun…fun enough for the TMQB to relocate from New York City, the greatest city on the planet and home to the Shame of the National Basketball Association…? Probably not. So here we go.
Well, another Sunday has passed and for yet another week I have to hear my buddies from Boston yammer on about the Patriots. Look, I’m not saying that the Patriots going undefeated would ruin my life; but I would rather give up red meat for a year than see them win out. Although, it would make me just as happy to see them go 18 – 1, with that one loss coming in late January. So rather than belabor this, let’s just move on to the other games.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for the Washington Redskins, in the wake of losing the talented Sean Taylor, they lose Jason Campbell to an injury. Washington’s starter, Campbell, dislocated his kneecap, and is probably done for the season. Seriously (and this comes from someone who’s dislocated and subluxed and separated his shoulder on multiple occasions), I can’t even imagine how much a dislocated kneecap hurts. With Campbell gone, the Redskins were still able to beat the lowly Bears 24 – 16, who were better in virtually every category except the one that mattered…points. The Bears are kinda like the Spice Girls reunion: they’re all “talented” in their own way, but then you put them all together and it’s really frightening to watch.
The Miami Dolphins continued their march towards a very different kind of record, one that Don Shula’s boys probably aren’t too happy about; especially with the Patriots on the verge of an undefeated season of their own. The Dolphins went up to Buffalo and got pimp-slapped by the Bills 38 – 17, in a game that was never close. This was a sorry, sorry game and I feel just a little bad for all the people in Buffalo who were forced to sit through it. A game that saw Trent Edwards do his best JP Losman impersonation passing for only 165 yards, Miami had 8 fumbles and lost three of them, and their defense allowed not one, but two 100-yard rushers…in the same game. I don’t know what it feels like to be a Dolphins fan, but it’s probably something along the lines of taking a baseball to the figs!
I commented to my buddy Beansy last week, or possibly to Brunhilde, that the chances the Jets would come away with a victory over the Browns on Sunday were about as good as the chances that Britney would ask a dude to wear a rubber. I think actually, my exact words were: “The Jets beating the Browns this weekend is a little like Britney Spears having sex with a guy and asking him to wear a condom; it's just not gonna happen.” Brunhilde wanted to do a little editing, but she’s not writing this thing so I had her buy me a drink instead…thanks for the Pabst! Anyway, the Jets did lose, although this was another one of those games that made me wish there was a vice attached to the bar, so I could at least entertain myself. I’d tell you the final score, but we’re talking about the Jets & Browns…no one really cares, not even people in Cleveland.
New York’s other football team managed a victory over the Eagles who looked absolutely putrid. The Giants won this snooze fest by the final of 16 – 13, although the argument could be made that neither team was really trying to win, which is just awful. I need a Paxil just to talk about this game!
Here’s my synopsis of the following games. Oakland at Green Bay, boring! St. Louis at Cincinnati, boring! Carolina at Jacksonville, boring! The Cowboys provided some drama for the good rednecks of Dallas when the almost fell to the lowly Lions, who have now lost 5 straight games; and call me crazy, but I don’t think John Kitna’s 11-win plateau is going to be reached this season. Dallas came out flat, like they always do and got exposed again, but unfortunately for most of us, the Detroit Lions are, after all, the Detroit Lions and do stink. As such, they couldn’t hold a lead and now I have to hear about the “Legend of Tony Romo” for another friggin week! Like Tony Romo is fucking Pecos Bill or something…please!
Another bad team that everyone thinks is good that also eked out a victory on Sunday were the Chargers. San Diego was losing to Tennessee the entire game, only to tie it at the end of regulation and then hand the ball to Mr. Reliable LaDainian Tomlinson for the overtime score. I’m sure it didn’t help that the Titans defense gave up 14-points in the 4^th Quarter. As a result, the Chargers are all but assured of winning the AFC Train Wreck Division, but at least I can laugh when they lose to the Browns or Jaguars in a few weeks.
Speaking of schadenfreude, Denver absolutely destroyed Kansas City 41 – 7; and while normally I’d be rooting for the Chiefs, sometimes it’s just nice to see a good beat down. Still, just like Tony Romo doing what he’s supposed to against Detroit’s suspect secondary, Jay Cutler is supposed to play well against the Chiefs. Well enough, in fact, that he should’ve had like 7 TD passes instead of 4.
The Vikings kept their slim playoff hopes alive, beating the listless 49ers who would happily accept a guy in a George Seifert mask right about now or, ya’know, a decent Quarterback. Seattle touched up Arizona 42 – 21, in a match where you just hoped Kurt Warner didn’t break anything.
Sunday nights big game featured what should’ve been a tough test for the Colts, instead it resembled Anderson Silva’s beat down of Rich Franklin. New Champ taking it to the old Champ and landing blows at will. By halftime, the score was 37 – 7 and Tony Dungy (you remember him, right? The Head Coach of a football team who actually has class?), was getting ready to pull his starters because he’s confident enough in his defense that when you’ve got a 37-point lead (44 – 7, before Manning and the crew came out midway through the 3^rd Quarter) and the other team scores a touchdown, it’s not the end of the world.
Finally last night’s game featuring Atlanta battling New Orleans, in a game with nothing on the line and nothing at stake. I’ll tell you the Saints won, but it doesn’t really matter, even if they somehow make it to the Playoffs…which they won’t.

Random Observations:
The Oakland Raiders have nothing left to play for right? Why is JaMarcus Russell not playing in these games? Oh, that’s right, because their coach is like 14 and probably jealous.
Am I the only one wondering when someone is going to take a shot at Tom Brady when he’s still in the game during a blowout? Who knows, Mangini is a Belichick disciple, he’s probably petty enough to do it.
The Rams and Bengals are a combined 8 – 18 this season…what the hell is going on?!?!?!?

Next Week:
First Saturday game of the Season…Cincinnati at San Francisco. I’m pretty sure I can find paint drying or a cat playing with a ball of string…
Baltimore might actually let Miami win. I mean, you never know, they just might.
If the Raiders performance against the Packers was any indication, it’s going to be a very long afternoon in Oakland when the Colts come to town.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
Belichick discussing giving Purple Nurple to Mangini after post-game hug.

Image Credit: Dana Verkouteren - AP