Week 5 Rundown (not to be confused with Breakdown)

Culpepper Must've Spilled Talent on Love Boat, Sent to Room by Saban

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Week 5 Rundown (not to be confused with Breakdown)

Sometimes, when the Football gods are smiling down on us, they provide us with truly great football…a whole lot of truly great football; this was not one of those weekends. Oh sure, there were some “interesting” games, and some games that made you scratch your head, but for the most part I was thankful I wasn’t subjected to seven full hours of awful games.
Not so surprising, the Colts nearly lost for the third week in a row. Inexplicably, however; that near loss came at the hands of the mighty Tennessee Titans and Vince Young who right after I touted him on Sunday morning proceeded to throw for only 20 more yards than he ran. Seriously, the only guy with this much hype who had a worse weekend was Dane Cook. Mystified is probably the way I’d describe watching the Colts run defense allow the awesome duo of Travis Henry and LenDale White run roughshod all over them. I'm also seriously worried about their chances coming out of the bye week with their next 3 match ups against Washington, then at Denver and at New England. When I said last year that I thought maybe a loss would have been good for the Colts, I wasn’t actually serious.
The Giants came off their bye week and “made a statement” spanking the Redskins 19 – 3, but nothing really happened. Some people scored touchdowns, Jay Feely missed a field goal, people asked what exactly Daniel Snyder is spending his money on and Eli got imperceptibly better…give it time; by 2008 he should be able to take this team past the Wild Card Round. I remember, eating a burger and nursing my Sam Adams (I might as well have drank it through a crazy straw our waitress was that friggin’ slow), thinking to myself that if the Colts actually lost to the Titans it was entirely possible we’d have a repeat of last year’s Division Round game when I absolutely flipped after Mike "I took a mental holiday" Vandershank missed that kick.
Watching the Steelers piss one away against the Chargers I couldn’t help but think the Steelers are like that good looking friend you have that you take to bars with you so all the hot chicks will stand around. Problem is, you have to remind this friend to keep his mouth shut because he can’t close the deal and ends up sending all the chicks to the bathroom to laugh about you…the Steelers are that guy. They open up a 10 – 0 lead on San Diego, are actually getting pressure on Philip Rivers and manage to hold Tomlinson to negative 1 yard in the first quarter. Then Polamalu decides to go surfing or something and Roethlisberger reverts to his stellar Super Bowl performance…or lack thereof. I’ve never been one for sweeping proclamations or generalizations…just let that one go…but I’d be very surprised if Pittsburgh is still playing in January.
To add insult to injury this weekend, I actually thought I’d picked well and we all know I should’ve taken the Jags, but hey, whatcha gonna do? My misery continued on Monday night however, when the two most anemic offenses in the League squared off - in the rain - in Denver. By 11:15 I was so disgusted I had to turn the game off, Steve McNair had already thrown 2 picks, and was probably due for a third, and the 2 teams were locked in a thrilling 6 – 3 contest. So when it’s all said and done, not only does Baltimore screw me harder than Dennis Rodman let loose on Carmen Electra, but I get dropped into an 8-way tie for first place in my Football Pool, which I have no shot at winning because Steve McNair thought he was still in Tennessee and kept throwing to the guys in the blue jerseys.

Random Observations:
Anyone check out the introductions during Sunday night’s game? What the hell is up with Steelers Cornerback, Ike Taylor’s head? Seriously, he looks like Flattop from the Dick Tracy comics.
I must be psychic…McNair did throw a third interception; but still manages to out-pass Jake Plummer? Don’t worry Kyle, pretty sure Steve would have to throw like 7 in a game before you saw any action.
I am honestly surprised no one was shot or stabbed during the Eagles game. Not to say I think any less of the good people of Philadelphia, but c’mon.
When the hell did Maurice Drew of UCLA fame become Maurice Jones-Drew? Hey Mo, what happened, take your wife’s name? Graduate from college and decide to give yo mama some props?
John Madden doesn’t have a single bad thing to say about anyone. I don’t know why, but I find that very interesting.
Was Kornheiser wearing mittens in the booth on Monday night? Tirico and Theismann are there in blazers and Kornheiser’s got on a turtleneck, leather jacket, mittens and I’m not sure, but he might’ve been wearing earmuffs (you thought I was going to link to that gnarly broken leg video, didn’t you?).
It’s been about 8 hours and the Cowboys – Texans spread has already gone from 13-to-12.5.

Next Week:
The bodies aren’t even cold from Monday night’s game and I find myself drawn to the Tennessee – Washington spread like a moth to flame. Am I the only one who has a problem with the Redskins being favored by 10-points? Does anyone in Vegas watch games anymore or do they just throw darts?
I’m looking into munching on a cyanide capsule instead of having to take either the Lions or Bills.
Seattle (-3) at St. Louis. I have a bad feeling about this one; watch the Rams actually win.
Long post. Bedtime and Friday picks coming down the pipe…

Week 5 Breakdown

Jake Plummer Claims to be Father of Poor Decisions

Week 5 Breakdown

Sunday, October 8, 2006

I sit here writing this still slightly cracked out from a bought with Pneumonia; that I obviously acquired when I went back in time and also got Polio; and also a little pissed at myself for not cranking out an installment this past Tuesday…sick or no sick. I’m feeling better now, and can actually focus on the keyboard, which I suppose is a plus, so before the games officially start I’m going to break them down and give you my picks…also, there will be no discussion of the Yankees recent bed-shitting although I’m fairly confident A-WOL/A-Fraud-A-Job/A-Ful/A-Choke might want to look into buying some property that doesn’t start with 1 – 0; just something to think about. Oh yeah, one more thing. Everyone knows I’m a pretty big Yankee fan. I’ve even been known to get slightly apoplectic when things don’t go the Yanks way (read, there was a time when I might’ve put my foot through the television screen after Moose gave up a home run with a 9 – 0 lead because I wanted the shutout) and I like wearing my lucky shirt to games; so I say this in the most tongue-in-cheek way. Jim Leyland, sipping friggin Champagne out of a flute while your players spray each other with beer because you got to the ALCS? Now Jimmy, I know you’re a nice guy but you might want to lay off the cigarettes…I hear they do nasty things to people…
And now, before any of you accuse me of wishing cancer on a certain Tigers manager…“the Picks.”

Home Team in CAPS

Titans at COLTS (-18.5)
Before I pick the colts, I’d just have to say everyone seems to be jumping on the Let’s All Shit on Vince Young bandwagon to which I ask, maybe should try to quarterback the Tennessee Titans. No? Not feeling up to it? Oh, then shut the hell up. In the meantime, Young was serviceable in his VERY FIRST NFL START (14 – 29 155 (Bledsoe only out-threw him by 24 yards), 1TD, 2INT [one just a poor throw trying to make the score look less terrible] John Elway’s first season he threw twice as many picks as he did touchdowns). That said, the Titans are going to get spanked and I see no reason why thy Colts can’t lay 56 on them. The Titans can’t run, Young has no one to throw to and Ohio State’s defense could probably hold the Colts to fewer points; especially now that the face tap-dancing Albert Haynesworth has been suspended until well after he’s still eating left over Halloween candy. So after I’ve ranted and raved about essentially nothing…
Colts.

Redskins at GIANTS (-4.5)
I don’t really understand how the Giants managed to look like Donkey vomit two weeks ago in Seattle and then become 4.5-point favorites at home against Washington. Then I think to myself, “Washington does stink and has a really suspect offense, maybe this thing could hold up.” I like the Giants coming off of a bye, I’d like to think that whatever is going on in their locker room got fixed and I think it’s put up or shut up time for Jeremy Shockey.
Giants.

Lions at VIKINGS (-6.5)
Picking the Vikings this week was probably the most painful thing I’ve had to do since I met David Schwimmer and told him I really liked “The Pallbearer.” Despite what’s happened so far this season, the Vikings really do stink; this whole winning thing is just an anomaly, like people being interested in who the father of Anna Nicole’s baby is or Josh Hartnett being taken seriously as an actor…it’ll pass. The Lions are awful though. Roy Williams just might be dumber than the demon spawn of K-Fed and Britney and John Kitna seems to have forgotten how to throw a football. Not to mention they have a nonexistent running game.
Vikings.

Bucs at SAINTS (-7)
The Saints look really good this year. I took them to beat Atlanta in their return to the Superdome and picked them to cover on the road against the Panthers. Yes, they lost but they covered and did have a chance to win. The Bucs are without their starting QB, who was nothing special anyway and their defense is (how do I say this nicely?) not good.
Saints.

Rams (-.3) at PACKERS
On Wednesday, when this game was a Pick ‘em, I took the Packers and I’ve got to say, I still like the Packers, even though they got demolished by the Eagles, I’ll give you four reasons why I took the Pack this week. 1) There isn’t a single QB playing better than Donovan McNabb, right now; 2) I just don’t trust the Rams, not one bit; 3) it’s tough to bet against Favre at home…especially when the chips are down; & 4) the Packers are home people, everything goes out the window when they play at Lambeau. And after all of my proclamations, the Rams probably drop 35 on them.
Packers.

Dolphins at PATRIOTS (-10)
I know I’m going to regret this one, just like that time I thought it might be fun to take the Chicken Nugget Challenge. I can see myself on Monday night, writing “I was fooled by the Pats blowout of the Bengals, on the road, but should’ve known that there’s no set rules for how things are supposed to play out when AFC East teams play. If anything take everything you think you know about a given AFC match-up and go in the opposite direction.” That said, if the good people of Miami weren’t still snorting blow and working on their tans they’d be riding around Biscayne Bay in Cigarette Boats, firing off rounds from M-16’s, calling for Joey Harrington…in the good way.
Patriots.

Bills at BEARS (-10)
Buffalo is averaging about 178 passing yards per game and that number should only go down when J.P. Losman and his mates go into Chicago. The Tulane Terror’s got a big arm but he tends to strong arm a lot of balls and fit them into places they can’t go. The Bears secondary should be able to walk away with at least two picks. Meanwhile Rex has the Bears offense on track, fourth in the NFC in passing with nearly 260 yards a game, and the duo of Thomas Jones & Cedric Benson should be able to rush for somewhere in the neighborhood of 150 yards. Anyone think 13 – 3 isn’t a realistic score?
Bears.

Browns at PANTHERS (-8)
I should’ve taken the Browns, but again I think I got fooled by the numbers. The Browns give up a whopping 346 total yards per game and they seem to be secretly competing with the Titans and Raiders for the right to the top pick in next years draft…which is stupid because only the Raiders need Brady Quinn and even he’s not a lock for Number 1 anymore. Not to mention, the Panthers are coming off of a huge win over the Division leading Saints (I know, looks weird in print doesn’t it?). I’m hoping that with a healthy Steve Smith and a happy defense Carolina will walk all over Cleveland. Also, why would I ever pick the city of Cleveland to ever win anything?
Panthers.

Jets at JAGUARS (-6.5)
The Jets Chad Pennington has only been out-passed by Peyton Manning while the Jags Rashean Mathis leads the AFC with 4 picks…something’s go to give. What’s probably going to happen is, the Jets won’t show up for this one. New York is coming off of a huge loss to Indy; they played the Colts tough but Peyton proved he’s still the best with an amazing Two-Minute Drill. The Jags have a stout (not in the Sam Adams way) defense, but are down some key players which if the Jets can get going means they’ll be running the ball a lot today.
Jets.

Chiefs (-3.5) at CARDINALS
Under normal circumstances this is one of those games I’d rather drink a Tainted Spinach Smoothie than bet on, but since I didn’t have that luxury (and you still can’t find Spinach in New York) I had to go with the Chiefs. I can’t figure either of these teams out. On paper, they should both be lights out but Kurt Warner has hamstrung the Cardinals like Jeff Gillooly while the surprising play of Brock Huard notwithstanding, not having Trent Green really hampers the way the Chiefs offense should run. Still Grandmama ran hard against Cal State last week and that shouldn’t change at the Pink Taco, er University of Phoenix Online Stadium…yes, that’s what they named it.
Chiefs.

Raiders at 49ERS (-.3.5)
The Raiders have scored 27 points all season. Their points have looked like this: 0, 6, Bye, & 21 (against Cleveland, so that’s more like 9). I’d take this spread if San Francisco was favored by 12, well, maybe not 12 but Oakland does suck harder than a Dyson.
49ers.

Cowboys at EAGLES (-1.5)
I have first hand experience so I’m perfectly confident when I say, people in Philadelphia are completely insane. When TO left last year they burned him in effigy and then held a mock funeral in the parking lot. The NFL says it’s beefing up security for the game? Oh really? Did you call every single guy from Fort Leonard Wood over for the game and station them on the sidelines, in the locker rooms and on the Cowboys bus? And even still, are a bunch of soldiers from the Philadelphia area really going to stop their brethren, dripping with Cheez Whiz and Yuengling, from tearing TO limb-from-limb? Sure, too many things can go wrong and the Eagles could get too amped for the game and blow it; but I trust McNabb and I trust the Eagles. No one trusts TO, Bledsoe or the Cowboys.
Eagles.

Steelers at CHARGERS (-3)
I’m still not sold on this whole Philip Rivers as a bonafide NFL passer thing. The Chargers are near the bottom of the League in passing yards and you can’t give Tomlinson the ball on every single down. The Steelers are actually good at stopping the run and stopping the pass. This is the Chargers second actual test, beating the Raiders and Titans means nothing, and they didn’t do so well on the first one last week against the Ravens. If San Diego loses, and I imagine they should, expect the “Fire Marty” chants to get a little louder.
Steelers.

Ravens at BRONCOS (-4)
If this game were being played in Baltimore the Ravens would be 7-point favorites. Think about that. Now ask yourself where the hell Jake Plummer has been this season. Ray Lewis is playing scary good and Steve McNair has been better than serviceable; which is all Billick ever wanted from Boller. Even with this game at Mile High, I don’t trust the Broncos. Also, the only time this season they covered was against a Patriots team that turned around and spanked the Bengals in Cincinnati the following week.
Ravens.