World Cup of Softball Update

MLB Considers Euthanizing Canseco

World Cup of Softball Update

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Women's World Cup of Softball kicked off last week and treated us to some real stunning action. The US team, led by Cat Osterman romped to an 11 – 0 victooooooooooooooooooooo, wow, I'm sorry; I actually fell asleep while writing that.
I'm sure the leading cause of alcoholism in Ohio is being a fan of any Cleveland sports franchise. Aside from the fact that it's Cleveland, it seems like there's just one disappointment after another. The Browns and Barons notwithstanding, the latest episode to have Clevelanders readying the Cyanide capsules between their teeth, centers on Bron-Bron. LeBron, who unlike Dwayne Wade, who seems eager to spend the rest of his career in Miami, James seemed to make it pretty clear this past week that he's probably going to be suiting up as a Brooklyn Net at some point in the future. James took less money to sign a three year contract extension and if the Cavs don't win a Championship, which I don't see happening, LeBron is probably going to make Jay-Z a very happy man, but not the way Beyoncé does...If I lived in Cleveland, I'd move to Chicago or Memphis; somewhere with some decent teams. I mean, c'mon, Cleveland doesn't even have an MLS team, like mighty FC Dallas or ever popular Red Bull New York!
Cowboys Safety Keith Davis seems to have really bad luck with guns; or maybe he’s just a drive-by shooting magnet. He was previously shot while waiting outside of a Dallas area strip club while waiting for a “friend.” Davis, fourth on the team in tackles last season, was shot coming home from a family vacation while driving through Texas at 5, a.m. Sunday morning. Why he couldn't wait until, ya'know, the sun was up is beyond me; but Davis was able to continue driving after being shot in the back of the head (don’t worry, it didn’t get the white meat) and hip before deciding to pull over and let him passenger drive him to a hospital. The name of his passenger has yet to be released, so we cannot confirm if Cinnabuns was with him at the time of the shooting; Davis has since been released.
Someone I’m surprised isn’t shot at more often is Bud Selig, who treated baseball fans to thrilling 3 – 2 American League victory over the National League in beautiful downtown Pittsburgh. After completely botching the All Star Game a few years ago…in his hometown Stadium no less, being less effective on the steroid issue than Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean, and depending on what crackpots you talk to sweeping Roger Clemens’ steroid suspension under the rug; it’s a wonder the man has a job at all. Every time NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman tries to throw his hat into the ring as Worst Sports Commissioner, Selig is there to wrestle the title away from him.
Incidentally, wrestling would be a nice component added to soccer, rather than having guys falling down acting like Jay Hernandez from Hostel every time a mosquito buzzed by. That’s why it was nice to see French Captain Zizou drop Italian Marco Materazzi with a Glasgow Handshake.

Random Observations:
Do you think each member of Italy's team gets to keep the trophy for a day like the Stanley Cup? More importantly, which member of the Italian team will try to sell the trophy to settle his gambling debts?
Kyle Busch won on Sunday at some NASCAR race in Loudon. Wait a minute; there are rednecks in New Hampshire?
Hey Bengals, do you really need to replace the guy on your team who was suspended for violating the League's Substance Abuse Program with a guy kicked off his college team for drug use…?
Funniest moment of the ESPY’s? When the shows producers decided to introduce Big Ben at the end of the show expecting a standing ovation and got crickets instead.

Next Week:
The Reds trade Ken Griffey Jr., Bronson Arroyo and Adam Dunn to the Nationals for some of Livan Hernandez's toenail clippings, Pedro Astacio and a signed Jim Bowden mug shot.
Training camps are opening up soon…the TMQB has a purpose again…I feel so alive!
Barbaro makes a starving boy in West Virginia very happy…

Migraine Wrap Up

Bonds & Grimsley to Guest Star on Episode of Canseco, P.I.

Migraine Wrap Up

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Due to circumstances beyond my control, the TMQB went on a bit of a hiatus, this past week but never fear I've got plenty of material stashed away and am ready to go.
The sands of time have fallen through the hour glass on another day and Barbaro is still resting comfortably in his hospital sling in Pennsylvania rather than being shipped off to Jimmy Dean's farm, the Elmers factory and a McDonald's near you. Americas' favorite horse, for about another six weeks, took a turn for the worse when he began to suffer from Horsy Malaise; which is fatal if not treated with an aggressive cycle of oats and hay. Now before everyone gets all bent out of shape just remember you can't cheer at a horse race and then be shocked and saddened when a 2,000 pound animal injures one of the tiny bones that it uses to support itself.
Another 2,000 pound animal that seems to be felled by minor injuries every other day is the soon to be indicted Bonds, Barry Bonds; who will probably continue to maintain his innocence long after he's retired and has been mistaken for the Bratwurst while taking in a Brewers game. This whole Bonds situation reminds me of watching an Alyssa Milano movie on Cinemax. You know she's going to get naked at some point, but you don't really have to pay attention for the first hour; you can go get a slice of pizza or check your e-mail while the movie stays on in the background. Just be sure you’re back in front of the TV when the goods finally come out.
Granted, this is one of those things that people don't really care about and it's become such a farce that Jose Canseco has offered to do some investigative work for George Mitchell, which is too ridiculous for words. Honestly, I think Canseco is taking himself a little too seriously. Great, you were right about steroids in Major League Baseball, but can’t you do everyone a favor and fade into obscurity like Haley Joel Osmet?

Random Observations:
Anyone remember some guy named Carl Pavano? I seem to remember the Yankees holding about $44 Million over a toilet, but I can't remember whether or not Brian Cashman actually dropped it in.
Your guess as to what Barry Bonds would be doing in Wisconsin after he's retired is as good as mine...

Tomorrow:
Back to my old tricks, complete with questioning Bud Selig’s manhood, the surprising base-stealing Barry, and yet another soon to be burger meat update.