Week 13 Wrap Up

Refs Help Pats Keep Perfect Season Alive!

Week 13 Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Hey kids, so I know it’s been a while since I last posted in the TMQB, but obviously I made going to work during the day, culinary school at night and trying to write this fucking thing seem a whole lot easier a few weeks ago.
So when I got home last night around 11, right before I jumped in the shower, but before I started to tourne potatoes (don’t even get me started), I turned on the TV just in time to see the Losmantacular Kyle Boller throw a pick on a drive that would’ve surely sealed Baltimore’s victory over the “Immortal” Patriots. Because I was working with knives while sitting on my couch drinking beers at 11:20, I didn’t think it was such a good idea to watch the end of the game, but who am I kidding; me watching sports and then writing about it is kinda like Au Bon Pain not getting back to you after you’ve complained about crappy service…it’s what we do! So I turned back, and wouldn’t you know it, the refs were gearing up to give Brady and the boys a chance to win when a phantom holding penalty wiped out what should’ve been the Patriots 4^th and final shot at getting in the End Zone. Instead, they were set up on the 8-yard line and scored a couple plays later. I mean, what happened to “let them play”? You didn’t see the refs giving the Browns a TD on a questionable call at the end of their game against the Cardinals, did you? Well, shit all over my Monday night NFL, thank you very much! I don’t know what the city of Boston did to have things going the way they’re going, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if next season Theo Epstein jumped out of the stands, clubbed Joba Chamberlain with a Shillelagh and Bed Selig just looked the other way as if it never happened. So obviously, you all know the Pats won and I’m through talking about it; so moving on…
Dallas took down Green Bay on Thursday night in a game that was watched by about 17 households because the NFL is stupid and no one has their “network.” Which basically meant that if you weren’t at a bar, you weren’t able to watch the Cowboys play another sloppy game in which they happened to come out on top. Honestly, if Dallas is the class of the NFC; can’t we just let the Patriots and Colts play in the Super Bowl?
Houston went into Tennessee looking to beat the old Oilers. Instead, Vince Young exploded for 248 passing yards (look, when you’re talking about VY, 248 is an explosion), and kept the Titans slim playoff hopes alive. Houston, meanwhile, is done…kaput…finito. I don’t know which I find funnier, the fact that Atlanta let Matt Shaub go to Houston only to have Mike Vick start killing defenseless animals; or that Matt Shaub has proven himself about as useful to the Texans as Mike Vick has proven himself to the Falcons this season. So a 28 – 20 loss, almost ensures that the Texans will spend yet another season at the bottom of the AFC South.
Elsewhere in the AFC South, the Colts were trying their best to increase their lead over the Jaguars and all but wrap up the division. Not only did they win and open up a two-game division lead, but the Colts also intercepted David Garrard for the first time this season (231 passes without an INT). Aside from that, a couple big Bob Sanders hits and a Jacksonville 2-point conversion, this game was pretty uneventful.
While the Colts were doing their job and beating a team at home, the Chiefs were busily losing to the Chargers and helping them extend their lead in the Tara Reid Division a/k/a the AFC West. I’m calling it the Tara Reid Division because it’s just plain awful! In recent years the Chiefs had owned the Chargers in Kansas City; although in recent years the Yankees were the best team in baseball, Britney Spears was attractive and television writers actually worked for a living.
Elsewhere around the League, the Falcons couldn’t get it done against the inexplicably as bad Rams, Minnesota took Detroit out behind the woodshed and the Jets touched up the Dolphins by almost the same margin of victory. That margin, you ask? About 30-points…ouch! And by the way, what is up with the Rams this season? Were they really that one dimensional that when Steven Jackson went down they couldn’t win games? Oh, that’s right, he was healthy when the started the season 0 – 3.
Also seemingly incapable of winning football games, or at least more than one in a row are the Philadelphia Eagles. A team and city that has turned on its starting quarterback faster than Lohan weaving through traffic doing 120 on La Brea with half an 8-ball stuffed into her nostril. Well, anyway, McNabb’s replacement AJ Feeley, was in an especially Losmantastic mood and threw 3 picks to Lofa Tatupu, as well as one more for good measure. When it was all said and done, he still managed to out-pass Matt Hasselbeck and the Eagles had a bonafide chance to win, but you know god isn’t an Eagles fan; so instead the city of “un-Brotherly Love” has another loss and is all but assured of spending the Playoffs on the couch.
On a more somber note, the Washington Redskins started Sunday’s game with only ten men on defense as a tribute to their fallen teammate Sean Taylor. Taylor, as you’ve probably heard by now, was senselessly shot and killed during an attempted robbery in his home last Tuesday night. The Redskins lost when Joe Gibbs attempted to ice Bills kicker Ryan Lindell by calling two consecutive time-outs, which is a no-no and made his 51-yard attempt a virtual chip-shot after a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty. You can’t blame the guy though, and as much fun as the Redskins as I make, it would’ve been nice to see them win this one.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina, Uncle Vinny was leading the Panthers past the 49ers, who are locked in a heated battle with the Jets, Falcons and Rams for the second overall pick in the 2008 Draft (which you better believe I’m going to preview the crap out of!). On the other side of the country, Oakland was beating Denver and although things didn’t get out of hand, 14-year old Lane Kiffin felt comfortable enough to send rookie quarterback JaMarcus Russell into the game for a few snaps. The Chosen One, Jay Cutler, had another “stellar” day; going 16-of-32 for 214 yards passing, no TD’s and 2 INT’s…like I said, stellar.
In other news, the Cardinals beat the Browns, the Giants somehow beat the Bears even though they were losing virtually the entire game; the Bucs beat the Saints and the Steelers beat the Bengals. I don’t really care how any of these things happened, but they did.

Oh, one more note that is totally unrelated to football; this one having to do with the Mets trade of Lastings Milledge to the Washington Nationals for an also-ran catcher, Brian Schneider and a utility outfielder Ryan Church. Wait, did I miss something there? The Mets traded their former top prospect and a guy that virtually every scout agrees is going to develop into a big time player for two guys who probably won’t be on the team come 2009…? I was talking to my buddy Beansy today and passed along a comment I made to a mutual friend of ours. It went a little like this:
“First you guys trade Kasmir and then you basically send Lastings Milledge to the Nationals for a catcher that hits .230 and has apparently suspect defense and a guy who can be your fifth outfielder...who also can't hit? If Minaya wanted to get serious, he could've had Johan Santata wearing Mets blue right now by sending Milledge and probably a couple prospects to Minnesota. Instead, Omar left Whitney's crack room just long enough to give up a future star on the Nats for a can of Diet Shasta Orange and a half-eaten bag of Funnions!”
So that’s my two-cents on that. I think Omar must be huffing something. I don’t know how else you explain that trade, I really don’t.

Random Observations:
I’m thinking the Houston Texans are the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the NFL.
I’m still pissed about this, but that is not a call a referee should make, not on fourth down, not with less than a minute to play, not from inside the 10-yard line.
Remember when Anna Kournikova used to be famous? I was watching that K-Swiss commercial of her “playing tennis” and was thinking to myself that I can’t imagine her doing anything but plucking the hairs off the mole on Enrique Iglesias’ face…

Next Week:
The Patriots find another way to thief victory from the jaws of defeat against the Steelers.
The Jets are going to lose to the Cleveland Browns…it’s gonna happen!
Mercifully, the Dolphins at Bills game is the first game of the afternoon; which means that if I get really drunk on Saturday night, I can sleep through the entire thing.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
Belichick has tape of Goodell waxing his carrot while watching an N’Sync concert.