Friday, October 19, 2007

Week 7 Lead In


Dolphins Excited to Continue Sucking

Week 7 Lead In

Friday, October 19, 2007

Well, another Friday is upon us and you know that means it’s time to put what little reputation I have on the line and pick some football games. I’m still in search of the perfect week (something I came very close to last season, but am having trouble hitting my stride…mainly because the Bears and Seahawks are streakier than Louie Anderson’s underwear) and I’m hoping I won’t have to wait to long. So before I start to get away from myself, let’s get busy.

Cardinals at Redskins (-7)
God Boy is apparently on the mend, but the wind does funny stuff in the Capitol and his arm is literally being held together with tape and a brace. His replacement is Tim Rattay, who let’s face it, is just terrible. I just worry about the Redskins ability to score points. They only have one win by 8 or more points…and that was against the Lions! Also, if Rattay goes down, the Cardinals third option is Tim Hasselbeck…hmmm.
Cardinals.

Falcons at Saints (-8.5)
Byron Leftwich gets his first start with the Falcons and the Saints look to right their ship with another victory. After watching what they did in Seattle, how could you not pick them to win this game? The Falcons are in complete disarray right now. Arthur Blank didn’t even stick around to watch the end of the game last week.
Saints.

Ravens at Bills (+3)
Trent Edwards (the guy who “gave the Cowboys a scare”?) gets the nod against the Bills. Not like it’s going to matter, Ray Lewis is going to going to slay the Bills offense. I picked against the Ravens last week because Kyle Boller was getting the nod and I just his QB skills about as much as I trust Federline to perform complicated dental surgery on me. Still, the Bills are awful.
Ravens.

Patriots at Dolphins (+17)
I’ve been thinking this was a trap game since I saw it on the schedule. The Pats are flying high, Belichick is squirreling away video and Tom Brady has probably impregnated Adriana Lima. The Dolphins are home and I mean, they’ve gotta win at some point, right? I’m not saying it’s going to happen Sunday, but I also don’t see them getting blown out at home. My friend “Caprice” is probably a Dolphins fan…I should just pick against them to spite her…but 17-points is a lot of points. On the other side of the coin, Joey Porter’s been a bigger disappointment than I Know Who Killed Me, and if he doesn’t turn things around it could be a very long winter in Miami. Good thing they still have lots of blow and orange women, huh?
Dolphins.

49ers at Giants (-9.5)
Oh man, you know Eli Manning can’t wait to screw this one up! The Giants are quietly on a roll and they’re 9.5-point favorites at home? The past few weeks, the Giants have won in spite of him…although Andy Reid helped out a lot matching a rookie against Osi Umenyiora. The 49ers are capable of surprising the Giants, but I’m capable of lifting a car above my head…if I were in Tulsa and on crank!
Giants.

Bucs at Lions (-2.5)
My erstwhile buddy Beansy reared his ugly head this week, but it’s nowhere near as ugly as this game has the potential to be. The Lions are terrible, but they play in one of the NFL’s worst divisions. The Bucs are also bad, but nowhere near as bad as the Lions. I mean, at least they’re on the same page and John Kitna and Roy Williams are drinking the same crack-laced Cool-Aide, predicting 11 wins.
Bucs.

Titans at Texans (Push)
No one knows whether Vince Young is starting or not. We all remember what happened last year though, when VY went back home and showed Houston how good of an idea it was to select Mario Williams instead of him, don’t we? He ran for almost 90 yards and passed for another 218. Still, being backed up by Kerry Collins isn’t so bad…unless he decides to get interception happy. All that aside, I think Young’s leg would have to be hanging by a thread to keep him out of this game.
Titans.

Chiefs at Raiders (-2.5)
I’d rather spend my afternoon rendering fat!
Chiefs.

Jets at Bengals (-6)
Dennis the Menace seems determined to live and die by the sword of Chad Pennington. Right now, he’s been flayed pretty badly. The Jets stink and I have no doubt that if they somehow have the lead win the waning minutes of the game Chaditha will confuse Orange for Green.
Bengals.

Vikings at Cowboys (-9.5)
The Vikings surprised the Bears in Chicago last weekend, what’s to say they can’t do it again against the Cowboys in Dallas? Oh yeah, the Bears are streaky…but you know what, so are the Cowboys. The boys from Dallas almost lost to Buffalo a few weeks ago, and then let a “bunch of Yankees” come down South and touch ‘em up. Seriously, the last time Southerners let themselves get treated that poorly in consecutive weeks Grant was skeeting all over Lee’s forehead.
Vikings.

Bears at Eagles (-5)
This is a tough one. The Bears look terrible this season, and replacing rex Grossman with Brian Griese has proved about as successful as Hilary Duff’s singing career. The Eagles meanwhile, are now relying solely upon Brian Westbrook because Donovan McNabb still doesn’t have anyone to throw to. Look at it this way, the Eagles managed only 1 TD against the Jets and their defense is, well, terrible. I know the Eagles are home, but I don’t see them winning this thing by any more than a field goal.
Bears
.

Rams at Seahawks (-9)
If the Seahawks can’t win this game, they should probably disband the team. Seriously, losing to winless teams in back-to-back weeks? You know the Walrus is probably still scratching his head raw and bloody trying to figure out how the hell last week’s game happened. Right now the Rams are worse than puppy cancer…at an orphanage…on Christmas!
Seahawks.

Steelers at Broncos (+3.5)
Normally (in years past), I’d have reservations about picking the Steelers to go into Denver and knock off the Broncos; but Jay Cutler has been playing more like Jay Thomas, so I’m not too worried. The Steelers are also coming off a bye and should have the Samoan Assassin back with the defense, which could mean a world of hurt for little Jay.
Steelers.

Colts at Jaguars (+3)
It been a couple weeks since there’s been a worthwhile game on Monday night. So while I’m elbow deep in Veal parts, the Colts will hopefully be keeping that record unblemished. Surprisingly, I’m not as worried as I should be…maybe I don’t have as much confidence in David Garrard as Jack Del Rio does.
Colts.

Random Observations:
Tim Hasselbeck, NFL Quarterback or not, should not be allowed to impregnate Elizabeth Hasselbeckespecially multiple times! Seriously, that’s just not fair.
I’m sure Cleveland is happy to have the bye, but honestly it’s like putting Richard Simmons in a room with a naked Halle Berry…wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Photo Credit: Tony Dejak, Associated Press

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

ALCS Run Down

Which Racists do I root for…?

ALCS Run Down

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Before we get started, I should probably mention, this post isn’t going to be all that funny…kinda like the Depp version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Saturday night, before I went liver-killing with my friend Katie (quick side-note about Katie: She’s a fan of the Red Sox, by proxy, but a fan nonetheless; and I started off the evening "right." When I met her outside her apartment, the Red Sox had taken a 6 – 5 lead and things looked bleak for the Indians. Seeing as I was furious, and I suppose stupid, I declared to her; that I didn’t like the Red Sox or Boston or anything associated with the two…yeah), I was watching Game 2 of the ALCS at my buddy Kilo’s place with a few friends of ours. His good buddy Curly was going off about how shocking it was that I was rooting for the Indians to beat the Red Sox and asked me how I could do such a thing. His logic was that the Indians beat the Yankees and I shouldn’t be rooting for the team that ousted them from the Playoffs.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always rooted for the team playing the team that ousted my favorite team, not the ousters themselves. He also was complaining about the racist nature of the Indians mascot and the teams’ name itself.
Curly’s argument was that the Indians are a racist organization because of their nasty little mascot (Chief Wahoo), which many people agree is an American Indian approximation of Little Black Sambo. My argument was that, apart from my inherent/inborn dislike of Boston, I think the city of Boston is fairly racist in-and-of-itself and would rather root for a team with a racist mascot than a racist city; because I don’t know about you, but I associate teams with the cities they play in and make judgments about those teams based on those cities. I mean, look, if I saw Ryan Garko and Grady Sizemore passing out bottles of gin at an Indian Reservation I’d be the first one willing to throw a can of paint on their collective fur coat.
You’re probably wondering how I came to this decision (that is, if you’re still reading that is) and the answer isn’t really that simple. I went to high school about 30 minutes outside of Boston in a little town called Southborough and made several trips into Boston during those years. On one such visit, I remember walking down Mass Ave. with a young lady of the Cauc-ish persuasion to have a passer-by, not-so-subtly express his displeasure at our apparent happiness. From that moment on, I’ve always had a rather sour taste in my mouth when it comes to Boston.
On the other side of the coin, my father is part American Indian; which pretty much makes me part American Indian. It shocked Curly that I could still root for the Indians even though my heritage would seem to be at loggerheads with that.
The thing is, part of me hates them both and could honestly care less what happens in this series. But there’s also a part of me that just can’t stand Boston. I think their fans are classless, I think the city is awful, I think their players are dirty, walk around with chips on their shoulders and have a double standard for everyone else in the League; especially the Yankees. Let me explain myself here for a moment. People in Boston went nuts when Joba Chamberlain “threw at” Kevin Youkilis although it seemed pretty clear the pitches slipped out of his hand (Joba’s got pretty good control, I’m pretty sure if he wanted to implant a 101-MPH heater in the side of
Youkilis's head, he could've done just that). Meanwhile, those same Bostonians joked about 72-year old Don Zimmer being thrown to the ground by Pedro Martinez during the 2003 ALCS…yeah, elder abuse is hilarious! I don’t even think I need to get into the “classy” ARod/Jeter t-shirts worn by many of the Boston faithful (which incidentally were only banned after the Red Sox won the Series in 2004) or how Boston continues to attempt to play martyr even though they own baseball’s second-highest payroll. But I’m getting off topic.
I’m not excusing Cleveland’s use of Chief Wahoo, I think it’s a despicable mascot that should be changed. I think that in 2007 tolerance should count for something and hell, I don’t know, change the team name back to the Cleveland Blues or Spiders from the NL (what better way to honor the winningest pitcher of all time, Cy Young?). But, I’m not here to propose new nicknames for Cleveland, just tell you why I’m willing to root for them over Boston.
In short, aside from 6 awful hours I spent in an airport once, I have no real reason to dislike the city of Cleveland. On the other hand, I have a visceral reaction to Boston and just because the Indians are playing the Red Sox doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and buy a bunch of Indians gear. So basically, I’m picking the city of Cleveland over the city of Boston and excusing their despicable mascot. But if, god willing, the Indians do beat the Red Sox and make it to the World Series, I’m going to dust off the adjustable Rockies cap I bought when I was 12 and cheer for them like they were the pinstriped Yankees who played in Denver! So disagree with me if you like, but that's how I feel.
As of my writing this (11:50, p.m. EDT, Tuesday night), Terry Francona is trying to explain how how Tim Wakefield didn’t screw the pooch, giving up 6 in the 5th, and allowing Cleveland to put Boston in a 3 – 1 hole.

Week 6 Wrap Up


Pennington Explains Poor Play due to Girly Arm, not Lack of Heart

Week 6 Wrap Up

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Well, you can pretty much set your watch to it by now; for the third week in a row Chad Pennington and the Jets screwed the pooch with less than three minutes remaining while driving for the lead or tie. The Eagles gave the Jets every opportunity to get back into the game, including two missed field goals by David Akers that would’ve easily put the game out of reach and a Philadelphia offense that became anemic in the Jets Red Zone. If Pennington’s performance the last three Sundays doesn’t convince Eric Mangini a/k/a Dennis the Menace to make a switch at QB, nothing will. This week, Chaditha was 11-for-21 with a measly 128 yards passing, no TD’s and an interception.
While the Eagles were unconvincingly “beating” the Titans Jets, Vince Young was finally felled by the Madden curse. Trying to scamper out of bounds, Young tweaked his quad and lay on the ground for a few minutes before eventually hobbling to the locker room.
Tennessee brass says it’s too soon to tell whether or not he’ll start next week against Houston but if this is really the Madden curse his leg’ll probably turn green by Wednesday. With Young out, Jeff Fisher had no choice but to replace him with the strong arm and poor decision-making ability of Kerry Collins, who managed not to throw any picks, but also didn’t throw any touchdowns; resulting in a 13 – 10 Bucs win.
Another team I picked to win on Sunday before their starting QB went down was Arizona; unfortunately God Boy’s elbow went all gimpy and he was replaced by Tim Rattay; the same guy the 49ers and Bucs gave up on…I know. With Warner on the bench, the Immortal One, Vinny Testaverde, reached into the 1980’s, passing for 206 yard and 1 TD (no word on whether or not he was hanging out with Wham! the night before). While not especially impressive numbers, the guy is 43, hasn’t played in about 8 months and still had a better outing than Chaditha. One more note, Kurt thinks he’s got torn ligaments in his elbow. Usually, I’d say self-diagnosis is about as smart sharing needles with Pam Anderson, but Warner’s been hurt more times than Jennifer Aniston, so maybe he knows what he’s talking about.
The Dolphins continued their march towards a different kind of streak with a zero in it getting spanked by the Browns 41 – 31. Miami’s defense, the unit they used to rely on, looked more like the University of Miami allowing Derek Anderson to go 18-of-25 for 245 yards passing and 3 TD’s. Cleo Lemon meanwhile, had 2 picks to match his 2 TD’s.
Miami isn’t just bad right now, they stink out loud.
Green Bay did just what I said they would do, and bounced back…although honestly, no one on that team seemed like they were really trying to win. Brett Favre set the All-Time interception mark, at 279, and was out-passed by Jason Campbell. Luckily for the gunslinger, his team played slightly better than the terrible play of the Redskins.
Kansas City, for all the badmouthing I’ve been giving them this season, has quietly made its way back to .500, while the Bengals have dropped to 1 – 4, and are winless on the road. Carson Palmer passed for over 300 yards, but that wasn’t enough to stop the mistake-free and relatively boring play of Damon Huard. Also in middle (small “m”) America, Baltimore was busily proving me wrong as they laid some pipe to St. Louis 22 – 3, and Jacksonville (which is actually the South, but that’s okay; they’re just as smart down there as they are in the middle of the country) was touching up Houston, piling on 21 in the 4th Quarter to eventually win 37 – 17.
The much hyped “Duel” between
New England and Dallas was interesting for about an hour, until it became clear that Dallas’s defense had no answer for New England’s offense and it was basically up to Tom Brady to decide when he wanted to score…kinda like how he does it when he’s off the field. In the end the Pats demolished the Cowboys and ran away from them faster than Britney’s old attorney’s.
Seattle’s troubles continued as they lost to previously winless New Orleans 28 – 17. The Seahawks were never really in the game and were down 28 – 10 at the half, although perhaps they can take solace in the fact that they outscored the Saints 7 – 0 in the second half…hmmm, no.
San Diego made themselves feel better by beating Oakland…the NFC’s version of the kid with the lazy eye and the speech impediment at the playground. Philip Rivers had another mediocre game, but he was immaterial as Tomlinson (I’m still not calling him LT) ran for 198 yards with 4 TD’s. Hopefully, someone will wake me up when San Diego actually plays a good team.
Last night the Giants continued their somewhat surprising roll, beating down the Falcons, in
Atlanta last night. Now, I know that Joey Harrington is the Falcons QB, and I know Byron Leftwich couldn’t be “blessed” with a worse combination than if his legs were actually made from stone and he actually had a bazooka for an arm. Still, the Giants ran roughshod over the Falcons like time over Meg Ryan.

Random Observations:
Dan Rooney and Mike Tomlin look like geniuses, now that Joey Porter is playing more like Joey Buttafuoco.
Santana Moss took himself out of Sunday’s game saying, “something wasn’t feeling right?” Well obviously if the second best player on your team is feeling off you should let him sit out.
Apparently, in ESPN’s universe, beating the Raiders 28 – 14 constitutes a “rout.” I’d hate to find out what word they’d use to describe the beat-down Cowboys received in
Dallas.
If this is it for Kurt Warner, it would probably be better for everyone if he just faded into obscurity like Sean Young.

Next Week:
Miami drops to 0 – 7 when the Pats come to town.
Indy faces a tough test when they travel to
Jacksonville.
I decide to put a carnivorous earwig into my brain, rather than watch
Atlanta play New Orleans.

Unsubstantiated Sport Rumor of the Week:
Belichick left his starters in on purpose to prove a point to Wade Phillips?