Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Media Week Preview

The Infinite Wisdom of the Tuesday
Morning Quarterback

Media Week Preview

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

In light of the fact that the only football, or football related activities, that took place this weekend was the, oh so interesting Senior Bowl, I thought it might be time for a bit of a Tuesday Morning Quarterback retrospective. As much as I enjoy saying things like, “see, I knew I was right;” I’m sure all of you will enjoy when I admit I was way off base; or as the case may be…out of bounds. Let’s examine a few TMQ hits and misses.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005:
“Boy, they just don’t make train wreck coaches like they used to. Oh wait, yes they do; Mike Martz, Mike Tice, Mike Holmgren, Mike Sherman, and Mike Mularkey are all awful.”
Since then, Martz, Tice & Sherman were all fired, Mularkey resigned, and yeah, yeah Holmgren has the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Still, four out of five, ain’t bad. I just wish I was this good at picking football games. I guess the old adage is true: it’s easier to pick out terrible coaches than it is to figure out who will win the Bears – Vikings game.
October 31, 2005:
“Kelly Holcomb isn’t only a terrible quarterback, I mean c’mon the Browns gave up on this guy; he’s also the ugliest QB in the NFL.”
Turns out I was half right. Holcomb is one ugly dude, he reminds me a little bit of that linebacker/bad guy from “Necessary Roughness.” Remember that guy, the one with the harelip? One ugly dude.
November 8, 2005:
“Rather than wasting a lot of ink on Joey Harrington I’ll just say, he proved once again, there’s still no reason to have faith in him."
After I wrote this, Harrington got benched not once, but twice in favor of an injured Jeff Garcia; which has gotta hurt more than passing a stone.
November 15, 2005:
"I didn’t hear any smack talking from Mike Vick this week. What’s up Mike? Light up the Dolphins for a whopping 230 yards, and all of a sudden you’re the second coming of Steve Young?"
Mike finished up the season missing the playoffs, while his coach, Slappy Mora, let his “quarterback” play another season without studying game film. His brother meanwhile, gave booze to some 15 year olds, stomped a guys leg, got himself kicked out of school and then pulled a gun on some more kids. You can bet Mike Shanahan will definitely waste a draft pick on him like he did with Clarett last year.
November 22, 2005:
“Herman Edwards might be the only coach this year to go 3 – 13, get to keep his job & leave anyway. Anyone who believes Herm when he says he’s staying or Woody when he says Herm’s job is secure, raise your hand…yeah, that’s what I thought.”
The Jets went 4 – 12 and Herm skipped town for Kansas City. Side note: Jets fans are some of the most two-faced, sniveling fans in football; and the Jets organization is just as bad. They defended Herm when the rumors broke (in week 11, by the way, with six weeks left in the season) and then turned on him like starving wolves the day he walked out of the Meadowlands, botching a clear chance at a high draft pick before settling for Kansas City’s 4th rounder in the process.
“The 10 – 0 Colts only forced one punt against the Bengals, what’s that say about their defense come playoff time?”
It says that Ben Roesthelisberger made them look stupid, at home, in the Divisional Round.
November 29, 2005:
“I know I shouldn’t pick on the Panthers, but they make it so easy. It took them, what, 6 tries to get in the end zone from 5 yards out in Buffalo? I don’t even know how they got another set of downs inside the 10, but c’mon. If they don’t get bounced in the first round of the playoffs I’ll eat my socks.”
I’ll be having them with porcini mushrooms and beef medallions in a red wine reduction. Just for the record, NFC Championship game or not, the Panthers still aren’t for real.
December 6, 2005:
“The Titans are favored for the first time all season against the Texans. One team that can’t score against a team actively trying not to win ball games.”
It was actually the second time the Titans were favored, but honestly, who cares? It was the Titans and Texans. 3rd & 1st picks respectively.
December 13, 2005:
“I don’t know what kind of brain trust they’ve got up there in Buffalo, but aren’t you happy they’re not running your favorite team?”
Almost as if he’d heard me, 87 year old owner Ralph Wilson (who looks like something you’d put on your porch to scare kids at Halloween) hired 80 year old buddy, Marv Levy to be the team’s new general manager. This TMQ was also riddled with typos and a Y.A. Tittle reference that went over most of your heads.
December 20, 2005:
“A small side note for Tom Brady and the Patriots: Beating the Dolphins, Saints, Jets, Bills and Bucs is not a sign that you’re a Super Bowl threat.”
Tom and the Pats got bounced in the second round of the playoffs, and beat a Jacksonville team that probably would’ve lost to the Browns that weekend.
December 27, 2005:
“Why even televise the Lions – Saints game?...I don’t know who I feel worse for, their fans or the poor kids they’re going to draft in April.”
Remember that queasy look on Eli Manning’s face when the Chargers drafted him? Now put that same face on Matt Leinart when the Saints draft him. Leinart + crawfish + clueless ownership = Tom Benson sells Saints to Rupert Murdoch.
January 3, 2006:
“I wonder how mad people in Cincinnati will be when they lose to Pittsburgh and realize that everything started to go downhill with Chad Johnson’s predictions from a month ago.”
Nail, meet hammer. Now watch your head. By the way, when I wrote this I should’ve known the Steelers would’ve beaten the Colts too.
Random Observations:
Can someone please take the duct tape off of Joey Porter’s mouth? This is seriously shaping up to be the most boring Media Week ever. Someone insult someone else’s mom. Call someone overrated. Call Jerome a sissy. Insult Ray Lewis, just for the hell of it, please. This is what happens when players like Shaun Alexander and Troy Polamalu are in the Super Bowl instead of Mike Vanderjack and Steve Smith.
Nothing more boring than watching 106 dudes talk about how much they respect one another.
If the Steelers somehow lose the, no one will say the Seahawks won. Kinda tough playing a game when pretty much the entire country is expecting you to lose. So forget about a moral victory. Can’t win for losing, but you can definitely lose for winning. My advice: go back to Washington, have a latte and enjoy your rain.
Next Week:
It’s the Super Bowl, c’mon…the Super Bowl!


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