Week 2 Rundown

Blue Jays Finish Third for 9th Year in a Row, Still Talking Smack

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Week 2 Rundown

This week was, in many respects, worse that last week. I was positive I had a handle on the way the games were going to shake out and after the 1, p.m. games ended and I was 6-for-9, I was feeling pretty damn good about myself. But it seems like I’ve been picking so badly I feel like I’ve been worked over by Keller in the shower. I know it’s early in the season, but this doesn’t really help a guy’s confidence; especially when he looks back on his old work and says, “now that’s how you do it!” To that end I’m going to attempt, the oft sought after but rarely achieved, Perfect Week. It’s in print now, so there’s no taking it back and I’ve got 15 more weeks to work on falling on my face, so here goes.
First things first however, let’s briefly discuss Maurice Clarett who will be spending at least the next 3 and a half years as a guest of the State of Ohio, doing more than trying to protect the ball and probably a lot of blocking for his receivers. Interestingly enough, Clarett joins the ranks of crazy running backs who decide to grow interesting facial hair. My bold prediction for MoC is that he comes out a changed man, ready to help contribute to society and handy with making a license plate. Any takers on the Over-Under on MoC coming out praying to Allah and not diggin’ on swine? I’m going to say: 63%.
Since it’s Wednesday and this was supposed to drop yesterday and spreads don’t come out until today and get closer to being realistic tomorrow I just might start double-installments of the TMQB for a while, while I’m making my picks.

Week 3:
Jets at BILLS (-5.5)
This one should be a no-brainer (I feel like I said that last week). Considering the Jets have no offensive line, running backs or secondary to speak of; while the Bills seem to be this years version of the Bears, i.e. 2 – 0, no thanks to an awful quarterback and anemic offense. I’ll take the Bills at home to cover, and then some, against the Jets.

Bengals at STEELERS (-2)
This one is tough for a lot of reasons. Chad Johnson was more punch-drunk after that shot he took than Tyson was after Robin Givens got through with him; Big Ben had more dust on him than the other side of Carson Daly’s bed and Bill, and his massive chin, might be one tirade short of stroking out in front of the bench. The Bengals offense can definitely put up more points than the Jags and the Steelers, especially Ben, need another week to get into groove. Bengals linebacker David Pollack is done for the season with a broken neck and safety Dexter Jackson is doubtful. Still, I like the Bengals in this spot. Carson Palmer is healthy and certainly wants to avenge last years quite literally crippling loss…even though Kimo will be nowhere in sight. Bengals to cover.

Redskins (4) at TEXANS
Picking this game is like trying to decide between the brown lettuce or the lobster left in the sun and then stuffed with raw spinach at the salad bar; either way you’re coming out a loser. The Redskins and their $2 Million dollar Offensive Coordinator look pathetic, while David Carr and the Texans are only slightly better than the Browns. The Redskins have no offense to speak of and the Texans aren’t really interested in playing defense; this one could get interesting. Texans.

Titans at DOLPHINS (-10.5)
This has to be one of the most laughable spreads of the week. The Dolphins and Titans have both scored 23 points in 2 games and while Tennessee looks completely lost, Miami should be much, much better. Considering both teams absolutely suck, I’d say you have to go with the home team; but let’s face it, I’ve got a better shot at bedding both Hilton sisters than Miami does beating Tennessee by 11.

Random Observations:
It’s not like this is all my fault, the Dolphins, Cardinals and Jake Plummer also helped out with all around crappy play.
Am I the only one who thinks Baby Suri was made in a lab over at Freakshow HQ?
Everyone’s busily talking about how Jake Plummer might lose his job, but the Dolphins might’ve actually been better off with Headbutt Gus.
Evidently most of the Yankees seem to hate ARod as much as the haters in this City do.

Next Week:
I like the Bills, Bengals, Colts, Titans, Texans, Bears & Panthers. Hey Simms, score some points and I’ll pick the Bucs.
After clinching their 9th straight Division Title, the Yankees celebrate by beating ARod like Private Pyle in FMJ.
David Ortiz opens his mouth, inexplicably not to put a doughnut in it, to complain about the MVP race again.