Pretty Boy Update

Cyclists’ Excuses at Dangerously Elevated Levels, Canseco Offers to Investigate

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Pretty Boy Update

So the wait is finally over and now you can all breathe easy…Matt Leinart has finally signed with the Arizona Cardinals. Leinart signed a six-year deal worth nearly 51 Million dollars and can now resume sitting on the bench watching Kurt Warner and the rest of the first team offense. Yeah dude, okay you won a Heisman and a couple National Championships, but unlike Reggie Bush your team doesn’t need you, right now and you also don’t have an “S” on your chest.
Also making unnecessary news this week was the little horse that could; or Barbaro, the Cutleriffic Equine! The horse has been spending his afternoons outside his intensive care stall munching on grass and apparently doing much better. Well that’s wonderful although if that horse seriously wants to impress me maybe he should work on balancing on a beach ball while juggling and apple, a No. 3 pencil and a bag full of kittens.
You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, the way things were going for the Mets you just knew David Wright was going to fall into a Mystery Hole or Cliff Floyd would start drinking a Gigantism causing brain and nerve tonic. The Mets got Hiltoned by the Phillies 13 – 0 on Monday night, and then in an especially cruel twist of fate they lost Pedro Martinez to a strained calf muscle.
Just one question, did anyone happen to catch Monday Night Football on ESPN last night? Seriously, I want to know because I sure as hell didn’t have any interest in watching a 67-year old Brad Johnson hobble around the Metrodome for a few plays while hearing the footsteps of the Losmantastic J.T. O’Sullivan and Mike McMahon, ready to take his job. Honestly, can anyone in Minnesota feel optimistic about this season when they’re relying on a coach who thinks Brad Johnson is better than Daunte Culpepper?
Things are going from bad to worse for Kid Rock’s stunt double, with the latest dust up being his old Phonak team shutting down operations and citing Landis as the main reason. So now that the Bengals of competitive cycling are gone who’s left to fill in as the bad boys? It would appear that Lance Armstrong is working diligently to assemble the best team money can buy and HGH can deform.
In what I would call an “interesting” move, the Bengals set up a “Jerk Line” (513.381.JERK) to report unruly fans and excessive foul language? First of all, shouldn’t they be more concerned with unruly players than fans and aren’t people supposed to curse in football stadiums? I mean, if a lawyer from Berkley can dress up like an extra from Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome, why can’t a toothless truck driver from Northern Kentucky, wearing overalls and a Caterpillar hat drop the occasional F-Bomb every time Chad Johnson does or says something stupid?
The Redskins suffered a potentially major blow this weekend when Clinton Portis, doing his best Romo impression, dislocated his shoulder while delivering a spear tackle during a loss to Cincinnati. Now people are blaming Joe “I should be eating apple sauce, gumming pureed Beef Stroganoff, watching the Price is Right” Gibbs for leaving his starters in too long. Look, as long as Gibbs knows there’s a guy named Bush in the White House it’s a step in the right direction; even if he does think it’s 1989.
Just when Phil Mickelson thought his life couldn’t get any worse, he finds out the guys at the PGA have a fantastic sense of humor; they’ve paired him with Tiger Woods for the first two rounds of the PGA Championship. I really can’t wait to see the look on his face; I’m really hoping it’ll be more disappointing than the season premiere of Weeds and twice as funny.

Random Observations:
I think the only guy not signed to Armstrong’s Discovery team under a darker cloud is Barry Bonds.
They haven’t actually come out and said it, but Portis’ injury sounds more like a subluxation which means he could be on the shelf for a lot longer than just preseason.
This one has the feel of being a little mailed in, probably because it’s a little rushed.

Next Week:
I’m serious about the Fantasy Draft Spectacular.
I’ll try to do better next time around…