Tuesday, August 08, 2006

NFL Pre-Season Preview

Mennonite Trades Horse and Buggy for Added Horsepower

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

NFL Pre-Season Preview

The Dog Days of Summer are here, more pointedly, the Doberman Days of Summer as the Northeast was blanketed with a heat wave soupier than Lance Bass’ stool sample. Seriously, it was so hot at Yankee Stadium last week; A-Rod was hoping to get booed just to catch a breeze...okay, maybe that last one was a stretch.
A lot has gone on since the last installment of the TMQB, but if William C. Rhoden can take some time off during the summer, than damnit, so can I.
Being right all the time gets kinda old, but I did say that Alfonso and the rest of the Nats were staying put; aside from the suddenly decent Diamondbacks pilfering Livan Hernandez from DC in exchange for a couple of 18 year olds. But who could possibly talk about baseball at a time like this? The Hall of Fame Game was Sunday night and the first three minutes or so were awesome, with the Eagles first team offense marching down the field on Art Shell’s Raider defense and Aaron Brooks overthrowing a few of his receivers and a trademark interception. The Raiders ended up winning (so I hear) 16 – 10 on the leg of a newly sober Sebastian Janikowski in what must have been thrilling for the 300 people in attendance.
Almost as awkward as Johnny Drama’s quasi-gay masseuse obsession was Harry Carson’s rambling acceptance speech. Watching the uncomfortable looks on the faces of Warren Moon and John Madden as they tried to seem interested was priceless. I was manning the grill for a family barbeque and had come inside to watch some of the ceremonies and to see if people had any tears left for Reggie White; seriously, no offense. So first Carson’s son gets up and starts talking about, “his illness” and manages to completely butcher what should’ve been a really nice moment and then when I think it can’t get any worse Carson himself comes to the podium. 5 minutes later he’s still talking and at some point my mother walks into the room, looks at the TV for about 30 seconds turns to me and says, “what the hell is he talking about?” Thanks Harry, I’m officially off induction ceremonies…well maybe until Cooperstown next year when a dangerously emaciated Mark McGuire storms the stage and tries to scrawl his name in Magic Marker on Tony Gwynn’s trophy.
Speaking of McGuire, his latest bright idea came when he refused to cooperate with George Mitchell’s investigation into steroid use in baseball. Now I understand that Mitchell can’t actually make the players or ex-players do anything and has less power than anyone working for the Orioles, but c’mon Mark, just talk to the guy. I don’t get it; the guy admits to taking a substance banned by every other sports league on the planet except baseball but gets skittish like OJ going to Orange County when you mention steroids. Mark, buddy, I really don’t think there are that many of us that believe you just magically put on like 60 pounds of muscle (which you lost immediately after you stopped playing) and got covered in acne overnight and can attribute it to something your body produces naturally*.
Also making headlines are the Cincinnati Jail Blazers who were unable to make it two consecutive weeks without an arrest. This time it was guard Eric Steinbach who was arrested for boating under the influence. Exactly how you fail a “field sobriety test” while operating a boat I’m not sure, but I think it goes without saying, c’mon guys…c’mon. For those of you keeping score at home this makes 6 Bengals arrested this off season and thanks to Chris Henry (5 all by himself), a total of 10 arrests. My question is if you let the 2001 Blazers play this year’s Bengals in a game of softball who would win? Can’t you just picture Carson Palmer throwing high and tight to Sheed and then having to fend off a mound charging Arvydas Sabonis? I really think that would be something special.

* This is the Floyd Landis Defense. Why yes, I naturally produce 700 times the normal amount of testosterone…I’M JUST THAT VIRILE!!!! GIVE ME BACK MY STRANGE BLUE TROPHY AND TIGHT YELLOW SHIRT!!! RAHHHH!!!

Random Observations:
The Jail Blazers are obviously keeping the bail bondsmen of Northern Kentucky very happy.
Bizarro Martin Sheen, never one to shy away from doing something that makes absolutely no sense, has decided to hand over full time running back duties to a rookie. He’s also decided to make Jay Cutler...and his Moxie the backup QB which as far as I’m concerned is about as smart as letting a Leper give you a facial.
In case you haven’t noticed, Jay Cutler has replaced J.P. Losman as my QB to completely rip apart for no reason for the remainder of the season…at least. Oh yeah, he also looks like he’s 12 and should have a paper route. Seriously dude, you know who else has a pretty strong arm? Jennie Finch!
That tantrum Danica Patrick threw last week? Could’ve possibly only been better if she actually lay down on the ground and started kicking her legs and banging her tiny fists into the track.
I have a sneaking suspicion WADA & UDI would let Landis off the hook if he just blamed everything on Lance Armstrong.

Next Week:
Coming Thursday: The TMQB’s Fantasy Draft Spectacular. I’ll be targeting the top 5 picks at each position for your fantasy team, and yes there will be several Colts on the list so deal!
I’m going to continue working on a phrase that encompasses being given credit for something without actually accomplishing anything; so far I’m going with Cutlerize, but I’ll work on it.
Cutler probably goes 14 – 16 with 220 yards passing and 2 TD’s…I will harp on the two incomplete passes.


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