Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Mid-Season Award Spectacular

Owens Tries to Make Good on Attempt to Give Parcells Stroke

Mid-Season Award Spectacular

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Before we get started, I’d like to offer my heartfelt condolences to the family of University of Miami Defensive Tackle, Bryan Pata who was shot and killed tonight outside his apartment near the University of Miami’s campus. Pata, was a 22-year-old Senior and 3-year starter on the team and was expected to be selected this coming April in the NFL Draft; but more importantly was well-liked on campus and considered a role model by his peers.

The Tuesday Morning Quarterback took a bit of a hiatus this week…mainly because I was wiped out on Monday after getting to sleep late on Sunday because I’d been super-giddy watching the Colts go into Foxboro and do something hardly anyone thought they could do…beat the Patriots, at home, for the second year in a row. That was definitely the best game of the season and it’s fitting that it fell on the Sunday night at the season’s halfway point. While some of you might want to nitpick and talk about the Patriots turnovers or the “fact that the Patriots should have run the ball more,” I say, maybe Tom Brady and Bill Belichick know how to handle the Colts a little better than you do. I mean, look on the bright side; last year the Colts pimp-slapped the Pats, this year it more like a loving push down a small flight of stairs. I’m still waiting for Sports Guy to recant his wildly ludicrous proclamation that the Patriots would win and leave the Colts and Peyton Manning, “limping from the field.” Hey, SG, where are you and your boy Bish at now?!?! HA!

And now, without further adieu, the awards…Just a word on the way I give my awards out. Most of these will be completely arbitrary, a few Colts will no doubt find their way onto the list, but it will be fair, and I’ll probably give out some less-known awards, like “NFL Train Wreck of the Year” or the “Tom Benson Award” which will go to the wackiest owner.

AFC Offensive MVP: Peyton Manning. I mean, c’mon, this one is pretty obvious. He’s the best player on the best team in the League and although he’s not blowing the doors off like he was two years ago, the Colts are still getting it done; and getting it done on the road against the Broncos and Patriots is no small task. He’s got the highest passer rating (106), the most TD’s (17), the most passing yards in the AFC (2291) and he averages over 8 yards per pass. C’mon, who did you think I was going to go with, J.P. Losman? Andrew Walter? Speaking of Johnny Twofirstnames, Kornhieser said it best on Monday night when he commented that it was pathetic that Walter was ranked 34th in the League and there are only 32 teams…wow!

AFC Defensive MVP: I’m going to go out on a limb with this one, seeing as it takes a little longer for defensive players to emerge than it does the offensive guys and one game can make a guys stats look amazing (I’m thinking of Elvis Dumervil who’s got 6 sacks, but has only recorded 8 total tackles). Under normal circumstances, I’d obviously go with Merriman but only Major League Baseball and Canadians reward potential steroid use; so I’m going with Miami Dolphins Defensive End, Jason Taylor. He’s forced 5, count em, 5 fumbles; he’s got 8 sacks; and an interception to his credit. I know the Dolphins stink, but it’s not their defense that’s losing them games. Getting honorable mention: Cato June & Gary Brackett, 77 and 76 tackles, respectively…you shouldn’t have to think too long about which team those guys play for.

AFC MVP: C’mon, see above. Peyton.

NFC Offensive MVP: This award was a little tougher to decide upon, mainly because Donovan McNabb could've run away with the Award if he hadn't been playing like butt the past few weeks. Despite his play, he’s still the second in passer rating and leads the League in both passing yards and yards per pass. Unfortunately for Donovan, I’m looking at the whole half-season and I can’t get past his performance; especially against the Bucs. For that reason Tiki Barber, who leads the NFC in rushing yards by 122 yards is the winner. He’s averaging 4.8 yards per carry and (ITAL) is the only back to average over 100 yards per game; only Ahman Green is close and he’s averaging 93.5. Tiki is also invaluable coming out of the backfield as a receiver and is on pace for over 550 receiving yards.

NFC Defensive MVP: It would be easy to say that Ronde Barber should win the Defensive MVP award, but then you’d laugh harder than I did when I found out that Britney Spears had filed for divorce from El Chupacabra, the Goatsucker a/k/a K-Fed a/k/a “Momma, can I sleep in yer trailer tonight?” The sad thing is that Brian Urlacher, who leads the NFC tackles, is 8th in the League behind 8 guys from the AFC. You know what, screw it Ronde Barber and Julian Peterson are your Co-NFC Defensive MVP’s. Ronde, is right behind BU in tackles and while Urlacher is sometimes the straw to Chicago’s drink; Tommie Harris is also on that team and sometimes having 2 straws in your drink makes you look a little fruity…and not in a Tequila Sunrise way either.

NFC MVP: Tiki Barber is the NFC Mid-Season MVP. He’s more valuable to his team than any other player on the Senior Circuit and I think it’s pretty safe to say the Giants would probably be playing .500 ball without him…guess that’s what you’ve got to look forward to next year Freddy.

NFL MVP: There’s this guy who’s dad is named Archie and has a little brother named Eli, I can’t remember what his name is right now but I know he’s won a couple MVP Awards already. Hmm, what is his name…?

AFC Mid-Season Rookie of the Year: Mario Williams, no seriously that’s not even funny. Dude, you’re the Number One pick in the NFL Draft and you’re barely averaging over 3 tackles a game…and you’re not getting double teamed; no, not like that! The Award goes to Joseph Addai, but could’ve easily gone to Jets running back Leon Washington. Their numbers are almost identical (Addai has about 100 more rushing yards over more attempts) but c’mon, am I really going to pick a guy from the Jets before I pick one of the Colts?

NFC Mid-Season Rookie of the Year: This one is pretty easy. New Orleans Saints wide receiver, Marques Colston is becoming his own human highlight reel and he’s doing all of it in the shadow of Reggie Bush who seems to still think he’s faster than everyone else. It’s okay though, Reggie, just like Vince Young and Matt Leinart will learn and get better; but it’s going to take time.

What Were You Thinking Leaving Your Old Team Award: In a Southern California-sized landslide, Edgerrin James. Dude, Edge, you were on one of the best teams in football and could’ve come back if you wanted too. Instead, you bolt for the desert and everyone thinks you’ve made a great decision until people realize not even the lovechild of Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry could coach the Arizona Cardinals to a winning record with the offensive line that you’re trying to run behind. Seriously, have fun icing you’re knees down for hours every Sunday night until January.

What Were You Thinking Letting Him Leave Award: This one could go a few different ways. I could easily hand the award to the Seahawks for letting Hutchinson skip town for a Conference rival in the Vikings; but Brad Childress has less coaching talent than he does hair and Brad Johnson is obviously not the long term solution, even though Childress seems to think he can squeeze another few years out of that 75-year old body. I should give this one to the Titans for treating Steve McNair worse than a Sleeping Car Porter (it’s the South, it’s what they do) before trading him to Baltimore (Steve’s gonna be pissed this weekend too; I like the Ravens, a lot!). The Award, of course, goes to the New England Patriots for letting Adam Vinatieri sign with the Colts, which anyone with even a passing interest in sports can see this was just like letting Johnny Damon sign with the Yankees. Since then, the Patriots have been taking serious gambles, going for it on first down because the homeless guy they have patrolling the sidelines doesn’t have faith in their rookie kicker.

Mid-Season Train Wreck of Year Award: The Award for Train Wreck of the Year was a difficult award to give out because I couldn’t decide whether I should give it to a single player, a coach or an entire team. Then I thought to myself, if Paris doesn’t put a limit on her nightly partners, why should I put a limit on the Award winners? Thus, I give you the Mid-Season Train Wrecks:
Team: Washington Redskins. Hey guys, still getting ready for the Super Bowl? You sure you’re going to make it with a 3 – 5 record? Yeah, probably not.
Coach: Bill Cowher. Yeah, that’s right, Billy Cowher. I could’ve mailed this one in and given the Award to Joe Gibbs, but Joe looks like he doesn’t know where he is half the time and always seems like Daniel Snyder took away his jar of applesauce and stuck him on the sideline. Cowher is making poor decisions that rookie coaches are avoiding and he’s hamstrung himself because he’s hanging off Roethlishberger’s jock like Beth from the Real World still trying to work the “I’m a bitch and I like it” premise 10 years later instead of going in a different direction.
Player: Although Aaron Brooks and Daunte Culpepper both could easily take this Award and hobble with it, I have to give it to Kurt Warner who lost his job fair and square to Matt Lienart because he can’t hold onto the football with his tiny and frequently broken fingers.

Tom Benson Award: Since no owner has assaulted a cameraman or called the people I the city that his team resides “female cats,” the award has to go the jumpsuit wearing, ass-kick-threatening, circa 1983 sunglass wearing near-Octogenarian, Al Davis. I’d say it was time for Al to step aside, but he might come after me with his walker.

Shut Up & Play Award: C’mon, is there any guy who is more deserving than Terrell Owens? Well, probably. Roy Williams (Detroit, not Dallas vintage) and Chad Johnson have both said some inexplicably stupid stuff, but Terrell Owens can’t seem to keep his mouth shut. He’s like the little kid who sits fidgeting, when the teacher asks who wants to play the quiet game, until he can’t take it anymore and has to start jumping up and down on her desk because he’s craving the attention. T.O., stop arguing with your coaches, stop saying you want the ball, we know you want the ball and we don’t care anymore and if you value your life, don’t argue with the Orca on the sidelines in a nationally televised game.


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