Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Insert Name Here Update

Plague Reported in Utah, Carlos Boozer Questioned

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Injuries are bringing the Yankees to their knees faster than Paris Hilton in a room full of Greek shipping magnates and if the Boss wants to blame someone, he should start with the guy he has a giant portrait of hanging above his bed. First Sheffield injured his contract signing hand, then Matsui goes down with a broken wrist, which as I understand it could’ve only been worse if his hand actually fell off, then they lose the not-so Grand Tanyon to a partially torn rotator cuff and then Giambi goes down with a non-steroid related injury…he swears. At this rate, Bob Sheppard could be introducing Danny Almonte by July.
Somehow less baffling is the amazing run of the Buffalo Sabers who find themselves in the Eastern Conference Finals against the Carolina Hurricanes. It’s a great little story about a crappy team that could pull off the unthinkable, and I might actually watch a game seeing as the only team I hate more than the Dallas Stars are the Canes. The problem is that with two small market teams these, this series will have lower ratings than 8th & Ocean.
David Blaine’s got nothing on horse racing. His little exercise in ego stroking was about two hours long culminating in seven minutes of let down and about two of unintentional comedy. The Visa Quest for Triple Crown, on the other hand, continues at Pimlico on Saturday and runs about four hours of coverage for two minutes of action…I remember thinking after the Derby that I hadn’t felt that unsatisfied since I had dinner at Nicole Richie’s house.
Equally unsatisfying has been the play of the Nets against the Heat. After turning in a lights out performance in game one, the Nets have dropped their last three and are pulling a faster disappearing act than Michael Jackson’s fortune. Part of the problem is that Jason Kidd and Vince Carter don’t seem interested in defending people, Nenad Krstic is more of a hobo’s Toni Kukoc than a poor man’s Peja Stojakovic, and Jason Collins is like the Tommy Maddox of basketball…the ball should never touch his hands.
Meanwhile, David Stern knows how to keep scoring in the ratings game, telling Rasheed to guarantee a victory and then telling the refs to look the other way on a blatant foul at the end of the game, handing the Cavs the game and sending the series back to 8 Mile, tied. I don’t know if it’s the chinstrap beard, the undeserved sense of entitlement or the fact that he wears 23, but I just can’t make myself like LeBron. I mean, at least Jordan didn’t start acting like he was better than everyone until after draining that jumper over Ehlo in ’89. Do me a favor Bron-Bron, beat the defending champs (without David Stern’s help), then beat the Suns and be named Finals MVP; then I’ll shut up.

Random Observations:
Hey Elliott, way to predict a Nets sweep of the Heat. Who do you like in the NL West, the Rockies? Thought so…
Marco Scutaro, who was like one for his last eighty going into the A’s series with the Yankees, was walked three straight times by New York pitching…putrid!
It’s nice to see fans at Candlestick/3Com/PacBell/AT&T Park cheer on Barry, no matter what…the only people more self-diluted are the execs at NBC.
Seriously, what the hell is up with Chris Kaman’s hair? Is he going bald and doing a comb-over/mullet combo? He looks like one of the deranged townies from that travesty of cinema, Wrong Turn.

Next Week:
Playoff hockey continues with less interest than HBO’s Big Love.
The Yankees slide continues after Damon goes down in a non-beard related mishap.
Marcus Vick + Miami + Ricky Williams + Daunte Culpepper = Way, way too many jokes.


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