TMQB

Week 14 Wrap Up

2007-12-11T12:20:00.000-05:00

’72 Dolphins Disavow Existence of Current Team

Week 14 Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The TMQB has made its return from Vegas where, as I mentioned to a couple buddies of mine, I stayed away from the craps table. I did lay some money on a couple parlays, trying to have a little extra booze money in my pocket, which was rendered virtually useless when I went to one of the clubs where my buddy Sal works and drank Maker’s Mark until I went blind, cut my ear off and thought I was Hemmingway until realized I was just passed out on the bathroom floor being spooned by one of the girls who dances in the cages suspended from the ceiling. That aside, Vegas was fun…fun enough for the TMQB to relocate from New York City, the greatest city on the planet and home to the Shame of the National Basketball Association…? Probably not. So here we go.
Well, another Sunday has passed and for yet another week I have to hear my buddies from Boston yammer on about the Patriots. Look, I’m not saying that the Patriots going undefeated would ruin my life; but I would rather give up red meat for a year than see them win out. Although, it would make me just as happy to see them go 18 – 1, with that one loss coming in late January. So rather than belabor this, let’s just move on to the other games.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for the Washington Redskins, in the wake of losing the talented Sean Taylor, they lose Jason Campbell to an injury. Washington’s starter, Campbell, dislocated his kneecap, and is probably done for the season. Seriously (and this comes from someone who’s dislocated and subluxed and separated his shoulder on multiple occasions), I can’t even imagine how much a dislocated kneecap hurts. With Campbell gone, the Redskins were still able to beat the lowly Bears 24 – 16, who were better in virtually every category except the one that mattered…points. The Bears are kinda like the Spice Girls reunion: they’re all “talented” in their own way, but then you put them all together and it’s really frightening to watch.
The Miami Dolphins continued their march towards a very different kind of record, one that Don Shula’s boys probably aren’t too happy about; especially with the Patriots on the verge of an undefeated season of their own. The Dolphins went up to Buffalo and got pimp-slapped by the Bills 38 – 17, in a game that was never close. This was a sorry, sorry game and I feel just a little bad for all the people in Buffalo who were forced to sit through it. A game that saw Trent Edwards do his best JP Losman impersonation passing for only 165 yards, Miami had 8 fumbles and lost three of them, and their defense allowed not one, but two 100-yard rushers…in the same game. I don’t know what it feels like to be a Dolphins fan, but it’s probably something along the lines of taking a baseball to the figs!
I commented to my buddy Beansy last week, or possibly to Brunhilde, that the chances the Jets would come away with a victory over the Browns on Sunday were about as good as the chances that Britney would ask a dude to wear a rubber. I think actually, my exact words were: “The Jets beating the Browns this weekend is a little like Britney Spears having sex with a guy and asking him to wear a condom; it's just not gonna happen.” Brunhilde wanted to do a little editing, but she’s not writing this thing so I had her buy me a drink instead…thanks for the Pabst! Anyway, the Jets did lose, although this was another one of those games that made me wish there was a vice attached to the bar, so I could at least entertain myself. I’d tell you the final score, but we’re talking about the Jets & Browns…no one really cares, not even people in Cleveland.
New York’s other football team managed a victory over the Eagles who looked absolutely putrid. The Giants won this snooze fest by the final of 16 – 13, although the argument could be made that neither team was really trying to win, which is just awful. I need a Paxil just to talk about this game!
Here’s my synopsis of the following games. Oakland at Green Bay, boring! St. Louis at Cincinnati, boring! Carolina at Jacksonville, boring! The Cowboys provided some drama for the good rednecks of Dallas when the almost fell to the lowly Lions, who have now lost 5 straight games; and call me crazy, but I don’t think John Kitna’s 11-win plateau is going to be reached this season. Dallas came out flat, like they always do and got exposed again, but unfortunately for most of us, the Detroit Lions are, after all, the Detroit Lions and do stink. As such, they couldn’t hold a lead and now I have to hear about the “Legend of Tony Romo” for another friggin week! Like Tony Romo is fucking Pecos Bill or something…please!
Another bad team that everyone thinks is good that also eked out a victory on Sunday were the Chargers. San Diego was losing to Tennessee the entire game, only to tie it at the end of regulation and then hand the ball to Mr. Reliable LaDainian Tomlinson for the overtime score. I’m sure it didn’t help that the Titans defense gave up 14-points in the 4^th Quarter. As a result, the Chargers are all but assured of winning the AFC Train Wreck Division, but at least I can laugh when they lose to the Browns or Jaguars in a few weeks.
Speaking of schadenfreude, Denver absolutely destroyed Kansas City 41 – 7; and while normally I’d be rooting for the Chiefs, sometimes it’s just nice to see a good beat down. Still, just like Tony Romo doing what he’s supposed to against Detroit’s suspect secondary, Jay Cutler is supposed to play well against the Chiefs. Well enough, in fact, that he should’ve had like 7 TD passes instead of 4.
The Vikings kept their slim playoff hopes alive, beating the listless 49ers who would happily accept a guy in a George Seifert mask right about now or, ya’know, a decent Quarterback. Seattle touched up Arizona 42 – 21, in a match where you just hoped Kurt Warner didn’t break anything.
Sunday nights big game featured what should’ve been a tough test for the Colts, instead it resembled Anderson Silva’s beat down of Rich Franklin. New Champ taking it to the old Champ and landing blows at will. By halftime, the score was 37 – 7 and Tony Dungy (you remember him, right? The Head Coach of a football team who actually has class?), was getting ready to pull his starters because he’s confident enough in his defense that when you’ve got a 37-point lead (44 – 7, before Manning and the crew came out midway through the 3^rd Quarter) and the other team scores a touchdown, it’s not the end of the world.
Finally last night’s game featuring Atlanta battling New Orleans, in a game with nothing on the line and nothing at stake. I’ll tell you the Saints won, but it doesn’t really matter, even if they somehow make it to the Playoffs…which they won’t.

Random Observations:
The Oakland Raiders have nothing left to play for right? Why is JaMarcus Russell not playing in these games? Oh, that’s right, because their coach is like 14 and probably jealous.
Am I the only one wondering when someone is going to take a shot at Tom Brady when he’s still in the game during a blowout? Who knows, Mangini is a Belichick disciple, he’s probably petty enough to do it.
The Rams and Bengals are a combined 8 – 18 this season…what the hell is going on?!?!?!?

Next Week:
First Saturday game of the Season…Cincinnati at San Francisco. I’m pretty sure I can find paint drying or a cat playing with a ball of string…
Baltimore might actually let Miami win. I mean, you never know, they just might.
If the Raiders performance against the Packers was any indication, it’s going to be a very long afternoon in Oakland when the Colts come to town.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
Belichick discussing giving Purple Nurple to Mangini after post-game hug.

Image Credit: Dana Verkouteren - AP

Week 13 Wrap Up

2007-12-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

Refs Help Pats Keep Perfect Season Alive!

Week 13 Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Hey kids, so I know it’s been a while since I last posted in the TMQB, but obviously I made going to work during the day, culinary school at night and trying to write this fucking thing seem a whole lot easier a few weeks ago.
So when I got home last night around 11, right before I jumped in the shower, but before I started to tourne potatoes (don’t even get me started), I turned on the TV just in time to see the Losmantacular Kyle Boller throw a pick on a drive that would’ve surely sealed Baltimore’s victory over the “Immortal” Patriots. Because I was working with knives while sitting on my couch drinking beers at 11:20, I didn’t think it was such a good idea to watch the end of the game, but who am I kidding; me watching sports and then writing about it is kinda like Au Bon Pain not getting back to you after you’ve complained about crappy service…it’s what we do! So I turned back, and wouldn’t you know it, the refs were gearing up to give Brady and the boys a chance to win when a phantom holding penalty wiped out what should’ve been the Patriots 4^th and final shot at getting in the End Zone. Instead, they were set up on the 8-yard line and scored a couple plays later. I mean, what happened to “let them play”? You didn’t see the refs giving the Browns a TD on a questionable call at the end of their game against the Cardinals, did you? Well, shit all over my Monday night NFL, thank you very much! I don’t know what the city of Boston did to have things going the way they’re going, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if next season Theo Epstein jumped out of the stands, clubbed Joba Chamberlain with a Shillelagh and Bed Selig just looked the other way as if it never happened. So obviously, you all know the Pats won and I’m through talking about it; so moving on…
Dallas took down Green Bay on Thursday night in a game that was watched by about 17 households because the NFL is stupid and no one has their “network.” Which basically meant that if you weren’t at a bar, you weren’t able to watch the Cowboys play another sloppy game in which they happened to come out on top. Honestly, if Dallas is the class of the NFC; can’t we just let the Patriots and Colts play in the Super Bowl?
Houston went into Tennessee looking to beat the old Oilers. Instead, Vince Young exploded for 248 passing yards (look, when you’re talking about VY, 248 is an explosion), and kept the Titans slim playoff hopes alive. Houston, meanwhile, is done…kaput…finito. I don’t know which I find funnier, the fact that Atlanta let Matt Shaub go to Houston only to have Mike Vick start killing defenseless animals; or that Matt Shaub has proven himself about as useful to the Texans as Mike Vick has proven himself to the Falcons this season. So a 28 – 20 loss, almost ensures that the Texans will spend yet another season at the bottom of the AFC South.
Elsewhere in the AFC South, the Colts were trying their best to increase their lead over the Jaguars and all but wrap up the division. Not only did they win and open up a two-game division lead, but the Colts also intercepted David Garrard for the first time this season (231 passes without an INT). Aside from that, a couple big Bob Sanders hits and a Jacksonville 2-point conversion, this game was pretty uneventful.
While the Colts were doing their job and beating a team at home, the Chiefs were busily losing to the Chargers and helping them extend their lead in the Tara Reid Division a/k/a the AFC West. I’m calling it the Tara Reid Division because it’s just plain awful! In recent years the Chiefs had owned the Chargers in Kansas City; although in recent years the Yankees were the best team in baseball, Britney Spears was attractive and television writers actually worked for a living.
Elsewhere around the League, the Falcons couldn’t get it done against the inexplicably as bad Rams, Minnesota took Detroit out behind the woodshed and the Jets touched up the Dolphins by almost the same margin of victory. That margin, you ask? About 30-points…ouch! And by the way, what is up with the Rams this season? Were they really that one dimensional that when Steven Jackson went down they couldn’t win games? Oh, that’s right, he was healthy when the started the season 0 – 3.
Also seemingly incapable of winning football games, or at least more than one in a row are the Philadelphia Eagles. A team and city that has turned on its starting quarterback faster than Lohan weaving through traffic doing 120 on La Brea with half an 8-ball stuffed into her nostril. Well, anyway, McNabb’s replacement AJ Feeley, was in an especially Losmantastic mood and threw 3 picks to Lofa Tatupu, as well as one more for good measure. When it was all said and done, he still managed to out-pass Matt Hasselbeck and the Eagles had a bonafide chance to win, but you know god isn’t an Eagles fan; so instead the city of “un-Brotherly Love” has another loss and is all but assured of spending the Playoffs on the couch.
On a more somber note, the Washington Redskins started Sunday’s game with only ten men on defense as a tribute to their fallen teammate Sean Taylor. Taylor, as you’ve probably heard by now, was senselessly shot and killed during an attempted robbery in his home last Tuesday night. The Redskins lost when Joe Gibbs attempted to ice Bills kicker Ryan Lindell by calling two consecutive time-outs, which is a no-no and made his 51-yard attempt a virtual chip-shot after a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty. You can’t blame the guy though, and as much fun as the Redskins as I make, it would’ve been nice to see them win this one.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina, Uncle Vinny was leading the Panthers past the 49ers, who are locked in a heated battle with the Jets, Falcons and Rams for the second overall pick in the 2008 Draft (which you better believe I’m going to preview the crap out of!). On the other side of the country, Oakland was beating Denver and although things didn’t get out of hand, 14-year old Lane Kiffin felt comfortable enough to send rookie quarterback JaMarcus Russell into the game for a few snaps. The Chosen One, Jay Cutler, had another “stellar” day; going 16-of-32 for 214 yards passing, no TD’s and 2 INT’s…like I said, stellar.
In other news, the Cardinals beat the Browns, the Giants somehow beat the Bears even though they were losing virtually the entire game; the Bucs beat the Saints and the Steelers beat the Bengals. I don’t really care how any of these things happened, but they did.

Oh, one more note that is totally unrelated to football; this one having to do with the Mets trade of Lastings Milledge to the Washington Nationals for an also-ran catcher, Brian Schneider and a utility outfielder Ryan Church. Wait, did I miss something there? The Mets traded their former top prospect and a guy that virtually every scout agrees is going to develop into a big time player for two guys who probably won’t be on the team come 2009…? I was talking to my buddy Beansy today and passed along a comment I made to a mutual friend of ours. It went a little like this:
“First you guys trade Kasmir and then you basically send Lastings Milledge to the Nationals for a catcher that hits .230 and has apparently suspect defense and a guy who can be your fifth outfielder...who also can't hit? If Minaya wanted to get serious, he could've had Johan Santata wearing Mets blue right now by sending Milledge and probably a couple prospects to Minnesota. Instead, Omar left Whitney's crack room just long enough to give up a future star on the Nats for a can of Diet Shasta Orange and a half-eaten bag of Funnions!”
So that’s my two-cents on that. I think Omar must be huffing something. I don’t know how else you explain that trade, I really don’t.

Random Observations:
I’m thinking the Houston Texans are the Tampa Bay ~~Devil~~ Rays of the NFL.
I’m still pissed about this, but that is not a call a referee should make, not on fourth down, not with less than a minute to play, not from inside the 10-yard line.
Remember when Anna Kournikova used to be famous? I was watching that K-Swiss commercial of her “playing tennis” and was thinking to myself that I can’t imagine her doing anything but plucking the hairs off the mole on Enrique Iglesias’ face…

Next Week:
The Patriots find another way to thief victory from the jaws of defeat against the Steelers.
The Jets are going to lose to the Cleveland Browns…it’s gonna happen!
Mercifully, the Dolphins at Bills game is the first game of the afternoon; which means that if I get really drunk on Saturday night, I can sleep through the entire thing.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
Belichick has tape of Goodell waxing his carrot while watching an N’Sync concert.

Week 9 Preview

2007-11-02T15:35:00.000-04:00

All Teams Happy to be Ignored at Mid-Season

Week 9 Preview

Friday, November 02, 2007

Before I give you my picks, I just want to say that no self respecting New Yorker should be a Patriots fan, or should even root for the Patriots. I mean, why? Why would you live in New York and start talking smack about how the Colts and their fans are scared of playing the Pats on Sunday? Oh really? Did something change from the AFC Championship game when the Pats blew an 18-point lead, besides adding a couple players and racking up 8 straight wins against cupcake teams…? Oh, nothing changed? Okay, shut up then.

Redskins at Jets (+3.5)
Kellen Clemens is getting his first start at QB for the Jets, and while the shot in the arm might do them some good, I’m not sure its going to be enough to beat the Skins. On the other side of the coin, Jason Campbell seems to have taken a step backwards since playing the Packers a couple weeks ago. Still, a QB change isn’t enough for me to actually put money on the Jets…I mean, I could just as easily set my wallet on fire!
Redskins.

Packers at Chiefs (-1.5)
I’m not quite sure how the Chiefs are favored, home game or not. The Chiefs are virtually rudderless and the Packers (almost blowing a lead on Monday night notwithstanding) are looking pretty good.
Packers.

Cardinals at Bucs (-3.5)
No contest. Leinart is done for the season, God Boy is still playing with that injured arm, their third option is a guy who has no business banging Elizabeth Hasselbeck and people in Arizona are probably munching Peyote by the handful waiting for spring. The Bucs meanwhile, lost a hard fought battle to one of the AFC’s better teams and are right in the thick of it in the putrid NFC South.
Bucs.

Panthers at Titans (-4)
Some things don’t make any sense. I was talking to my buddy the Tracker earlier today, mainly surprised he was awake. See, it was around 9, a.m. in New York and he lives in LA now so I didn’t understand why he was up at 6. My explanation was simple: “I thought the point of living in LA was going to Le Deux, doing blow off of Lohan’s chest while smoking a splif with TI before heading to a party in the Hills with a Cristal waterfall in the living room and a midget in a cage hanging from the ceiling.” What does any of that have to do with the game? Not much except, things are never as they appear to be when it comes to Tennessee; they play tough and are making Vince Young’s mistakes look small. The Panthers are relying on someone’s grandfather and David Carr…nuff said!
Titans.

49ers at Falcons (-3.5)
Oh man, this is going to be an awful game. Joey Heisman versus Alex Smith? Oh man, I think I’m gonna be sick. I honestly don’t know who to take, although I feel like the 49ers should be able to play well on the road. Bobby Petrino looks grossly overmatched every week.
49ers.

Jaguars at Saints (-3)
At the beginning of the season, I would’ve blocked out time to go watch this game with my buddy “Christopher Lee,” but the Saints are still not back to being the team they were last season and the Jags are relying on the third string QB to help them out. I like the Jags defense, should contain the run and their corners are decent. I think a low scoring game favors them, but I have this feeling the Saints are going to run away with another one.
Saints.

Broncos at Lions (-3)
Three months ago I wouldn’t have even thought the Lions had a shot at beating the Broncos…now it doesn’t even surprise me that they’re favored. Jay Cutler looks more lost than Mandy Moore in a room with Hallie Berry, Nicole Kidman and Helen Mirren (Oscar winners…cough, cough), and Rod Smith has officially been shelved for the remainder of the season. It could be a long, long Winter in Denver.
Lions.

Bengals at Bills (+1)
The line for this game opened up with the Bills as 3-point favorites. Hmm, wouldn’t have anything to do with Johnnie Tokes-A-Lot getting the start at QB would it…? You’ve got to believe the Bengals are going to win this game, I mean they’re playing the Bills. Problem is, the Bills are playing pretty well at home and Carson Palmer is getting interception-happy like he’s auditioning for the title role in “The Fluttering Duck, the Chad Pennington Story.” Still, I just can’t knowingly put money on the Losmantacular JP.
Bengals.

Chargers at Vikings (+7)
If this were the 1930’s, the Vikings would be undefeated…what with the forward pass being outlawed. But it’s 2007, and every time the ball leaves Tavaris Jackson’s hand it seems to go backwards. Adrian Peterson can’t be happy about spending the next three years in Minnesota with Brad Childress; although luck for him, Childress might not last that long.
Chargers.

Seahawks at Browns (-1)
I don’t understand how the Browns are favored, even by a point…I’m like President Bush at a Tom Stoppard play, I just don’t understand. Back in the day (you know, last season) the Browns were dropping games the way Dog the Bounty Hunter drops N-bombs. All of a sudden, they’re half-decent. But this is Seattle we’re talking about and I don’t think they’ll be allowed back into Washington State if they lose to Cleveland.
Seattle.

Patriots at Colts (+5.5)
People are going to get mad at me for saying this…those of you that didn’t get mad on Tuesday that is: Bill Belichick is putting Tom Brady at risk every time he sends him onto the field in the 4^th Quarter of a blow out. Tony Dungy’s guys have something that most of Belichick’s players lack: class. I don’t think anyone on Indy’s defense is going to go after Brady, then again I don’t expect the Colts to lose. I’m just saying, the “we’re not doing anything wrong” routine is wearing dangerously thin.
Colts.

Texans at Raiders (-3)
Daunte Culpepper has been benched in favor of one of the seven McCown brothers; which is like trading your Ducati Unicycle in for a brand new scooter made by Opel. The Texans though, are once again relying on the Incomparable Sage Rosenfels; so honestly who cares.
Texans.

Cowboys at Eagles (-3)
On the face of it, I’d like to take the Eagles…mainly because I hate the Cowboys and I think Tony Romo is a bigger fraud than Charlie Weis. Okay, that’s not fair; he’d have to gain, like, 300 pounds first. Still, this whole Donovan McNabb rehabbing in-Season thing, isn’t really working out, not to mention he still doesn’t have anyone to throw to. Then there’s the unpleasantness with Walrus Junior’s kids both getting tossed in jail and a judge calling his home a “drug emporium,” that’s not boosting morale. Neither is the cheer, “let’s win one for Coach’s smacked-out-drug-dealing-pistol-waving sons on Sunday!!!!”
Cowboys.

Ravens at Steelers (-9)
I like the Steelers, I like the Steelers a lot. They’re not as good as the Colts or Pats, but they’re better than just about every other team in the AFC; and you know that Cam Cameron, Ken Whisenhunt and the rest of the jokers who got hired during the off-Season are super pissed at Mike Tomlin. Steve McNair is getting the start, which normally I would say spells victory for the Ravens, just not in Pittsburgh.
Steelers.

Week 8 Wrap Up

2007-10-30T16:16:00.000-04:00

Belichick, Not Running up Score…Just Being a Dick

Week 8 Wrap Up

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Before we get started, I’d actually like to congratulate Alex Rodriguez on his timing. Having your agent announce you’re nothing but a money-grubbing ~~prick~~ player, just as the Boston Red Sox are about to wrap up their second World Series title in four years, stealing all of their thunder, is just fine by me. Aside from that little blessing, this weekend was a pretty good one for New York City, but not so nice for Denver.
The Giants continued their march towards a second-half collapse; touching up the Dolphins at Silly Nanny Stadium. Miami made the game interesting in the fourth quarter, but it was too little, too late…although if they hadn’t traded away their best wide receiver ~~Wes Welker~~ Chris Chambers, they might’ve had a shot. New York rode Brandon Jacobs’ 131 yards rushing to the victory and Eli Manning had another Losmantastic game going 8 – 22 for a whopping 59 yards; finishing with a passer rating of 44.9.
The Lions continued their improbable march towards a winning record (no thanks to Matt Millen), beating the Bears, in Chicago. Perhaps, less surprising than the fact that the Lions are winning games, are the losses of the Bears, which continue to pile up. I know the Sex Cannon and Griese wouldn’t be most teams choices for a second QB, but it’s looking a lot like the Bears are missing Tank Johnson a lot more than they thought they would. Still, I’m glad the Bears are now being bitten in the ass for kicking a guy off the team for what amounted to a trumped-up charge.
The Titans continued to squeak by mediocre teams, beating the Raiders in a game that competed with the Jets-Bills game for the title of: Rather-Gouge-My-Eyes-Out-With-A-Claw Hammer-Than-Watch-The-Rest-Of. Vince Young put up Akili Smith-like numbers for the second game in a row and one could argue that even though he’s playing, the Madden Curse has rendered him virtually ineffective for the season. And yes, I know calling the Raiders "mediocre" is an insult to the Bills, Lions and Chiefs of the League, but I don’t really care.
The Steelers continued to try to create space at the top of the AFC North, throwing the Bengals a beating at home 24 – 13; although at one point, Cincinnati was down 24 – 6. The Bengals running game is virtually non-existent, Carson Palmer can’t seem to find his stride and they’re missing alleged cradle-robber/enabler, Chris Henry, more than expected. In all fairness though, he does ~~look~~ act like he’s 15, so you can understand how kids can get confused.
The Rams struggles continued when they hosted the Browns and Steven Jackson, fresh off of returning from resting his “lady parts” tweaked his back apparently compensating for some lingering groin pain. St. Louis opened up a 14 – 3 lead, before deciding that without their running back they’d just let Cleveland score 24 unanswered points. I’m just sad the Rams don’t play the Dolphins in Week 17…I think that would be too perfect for words.
The Eagles tried to get back on track, in a game I was almost certain they’d lose, beating the Vikings in Minnesota 23 – 16. While the loss itself isn’t that surprising, the Vikings are this years version of the Panthers; they play Dallas tough on the road and then get shredded by Donovan McNabb at home in a game that was never really close. The Vikings are supposed to have a pretty stout (although, they're looking more like Ricki Lake than Roseanne...chubby, not quite "stout") defense and the Eagles offensive line is worse than Au Bon Pain’s customer service; this should made for a fairly easy Minnesota victory. Instead, the Vikings dropped to 2 – 5, while the Eagles “improved” to 3 – 4.
Speaking of the streaky Panthers, they scored on their opening possession against the Colts and then must’ve decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. After taking practically an entire quarter to drive down the field and score a TD, the Panthers had no answer for Bob Sanders and the rest of the Colts secondary, who held Steve Smith to only 18 yards receiving on 2 catches; none after the opening drive. I know I harp on this a lot, but look at who the two teams have played. The Colts have gone up against: the Saints, Broncos, and Jaguars; while the Patriots have played: George Washington University, Florida A&T and Hofstra. Honestly, the only half decent team the Pats have faced has been the Cowboys.
Speaking of Hofstra, the Jets and Bills played a real ~~barnburner~~ snoozefest Sunday, in which the starting QB’s combined for 236 passing yards; but at least Chaditha didn’t throw another interception. Still, the Jets lost their fifth straight and, soon to be deposed QB, has mercifully taken his last snap as their starter.
The Chargers returned to their winning ways, beating a banged up Texans team that some people (mostly morons, not me) had winning the AFC South at the start of the season 35 – 10. Prodigal Son, Philip Rivers, was out-passed by Sage Rosenfels (something to be proud of) and Tomlinson was held to less than 100 yards on the ground. Still, the Texans tossed 4 interceptions and fumbled once for good measure.
Jacksonville came back to beat Tampa Bay 24 – 23, in the Battle for Florida Relevancy, and New Orleans took down San Francisco, 31 – 10.
That brings us to the New England Football Patriots, their “dreamy” QB and their sullen head coach. Seriously, Belichick looks more depressed than Britney these days..and he's a winner! The Dark Lord of the Foxboro claimed he hasn’t been trying to run up the score (yeah, sure) on opposing teams and his just playing football. Meanwhile, his Young Apprentice is on pace to throw close to 60 TD’s this season, and shatter Peyton Manning’s record of 49, but should probably watch his back. Honestly, if you can give me one good reason why Tom Brady and the rest of the teams starters are still in the game during the fourth quarter when the Pats are already up 38 – 0, I’d like to hear it. Sure, it’s all fun and games for people in Beantown when the Pats are blowing teams out, but you know Ray Lewis isn’t going to stand for that mess when they visit the Ravens. If Brady goes down in the fourth quarter of a meaningless game, all because Belichick wants to stick it to the other guy, people in Boston are going to be furious…and the Pats are going to be without a Championship.
Last but not least, the Packers almost lost a sloppy game against the Denver Broncos last night, but were saved by a dagger to Colorado’s collective heart in the form of an 82-yard bomb from Brett Favre to Greg Jennings on the first play from scrimmage in overtime. The Packers seemed to forget how to score and then allowed the Broncos to make it to the 4 yard line (missing about 12 tackles during the drive) before Denver was saved for, like the ninth time this season, by the right foot of Jason Elam. All of the extra work was for naught with Jennings grab, which capped off probably the worst weekend in Denver Sports since, well, ever!

Random Observations:
44.9 is no 0.0, but it’s still pretty crappy.
The Colts play 5 of their remaining 9 games at home this season…that could be HUGE down the stretch.
Kellen Clemens is getting the start at QB for the Jets on Sunday. Way to go Dennis, only about a month late with that decision!
What was Jay Feeley thinking, or rather I guess he wasn’t thinking with the Dolphins down 13 – 10, trying a squib-kick on the kickoff on a field with natural grass that had soaked up probably six hours of rainwater?
Marvin Lewis looks constipated throughout most of Cincinnati’s games.

Next Week:
At least the Rams and Dolphins won’t lose number nine, as both teams have a bye.
Final Score of the Houston-Oakland game? 6 – 3.
That mighty Patriot train most likely has a derailment traveling through Indianapolis.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
Tape of Belichick saying he wants to stick it to League by blowing out competition mysteriously destroyed...?

Week 7 Wrap Up

2007-10-24T10:16:00.000-04:00

Rams Also Winless, but Still Better than Dolphins

Week 7 Wrap Up

Wednesday, October 23, 2007

Another week in the books in the NFL, another awful team beaten by the Patriots to parades and balloons falling from the sky; another good team beaten by the Colts to…crickets. So you’re probably wondering why I didn’t get around to posting this in the morning and the answer is pretty simple. When you work all day and then spend 5 hours in a hot kitchen making Veal Scallopini you’re not so jazzed up to get home and be witty at midnight.
The Ravens blew another one on Sunday, one week after Kyle Boller actually played like a quarterback, he remembered who he was and while he didn’t stick it up; he didn’t do all that much to help Baltimore win either. This game must’ve had people in Buffalo praying for the middle of hockey season, as neither team passed for more than 200 yards and barely combined for 230 yards on the ground. Trent Edwards picked up where his predicesor left off having a Losmantastic game going 11-for-21 for 139 yards and an INT.
The Bucs squandered a golden opportunity to take over sole possession of first place in the NFC South when they failed to beat the Lions. Costly fumbles and basically playing like they did last season doomed Tampa to suffer a fate almost worse than death…losing to the Detroit Lions.
The Redskins did everything they could to hand Godboy and the Cardinals the win, except when it was all said and done, they managed to hang on for a 21 – 19 victory. Jason Campbell played more like Neve Campbell (remember her?), going 12-for-18 with less than 100 yards passing and an INT; while the Redskins offense generally make the Cardinals look, well, good. Despite all of that, you had to know the game was over when Tim Rattay took the field…TD or no TD.
Eli Manning proved me wrong (sort of) as the Giants opened up a 33 – 9 lead on the 49ers before a meaningless TD made the final score 33 – 15. Although “Little Brother” threw 2 TD’s, he didn’t really help the Giants as much as Osi Umenyiora, who recorded his League-leading 8^th sack, or Aaron Ross, who shut down San Francisco’s wide receivers and even recorded a sack of his own. Looking at it another way, the Giants offense was really only responsible for 28% (24 points coming off recovered fumbles or interceptions) of the total output…kinda like Ben Affleck writing “Good Will Hunting.”
Miami continued their march towards that other record, and fresh off putting MENSA member Trent Green on IR for the rest of the season, allowed New England to come into their house and skeet all over them 49 – 28. Miami’s playing ~~fantastic~~ ~~crappy~~ unspeakably bad right now, so much so, I’m actually afraid there aren’t going to be enough drugs to keep the people of Magic City satiated until January; especially considering aside from home games against the Bills and Jets, 0 – 16 could be a reality.
Speaking of the Jets, I’m pretty sure I told you so. When I walked into Brother Jimmy’s with my buddies, the Rabbi and Robert Chambers, the Jets had opened up a 23 – 10 and the three of us were speechless. Not as speechless as I was when the Rabbi tried to pick up these three hideous looking girls about 10 minutes later, but close. A quick note about the Rabbi & RC: The Rabbi has this ability to find beauty in any girl he sees; I have no doubt in my mind he’d hit on Melanie Griffith right this second, even though she looks like she’s wearing a 1987 issue Melanie Griffith mask that’s a little too small for her. Anyway, in no time at all, the Bengals had turned a 23 – 10 deficit into a 38 – 23 lead; the final 7 points coming off a Chadita interception as the Jets were driving to tie the game. I really hope Dennis the Menace has the heart to put Chaditha out of his misery; he’s a little like Barbaro…you hate to see it happen, but we all know that sooner or later he’s destined to become burger meat for Wendy’s and paste for little kids to eat.
New Orleans has been able to put together a little “win streak” beating Seattle and now Atlanta; unfortunately for the Saints they played worse at home than they did in Seattle and needed a late TD from Reggie Bush to secure a victory. They also got a little help from the Human Triage Unit, Byron Leftwich, who re-injured his ankle for the 497^th time and had to be replaced by Joey Heisman.
When RC, the Rabbi and I left Brother Jimmy’s the Titans were absolutely destroying Texans; imagine my surprise when we got downtown to an awful bar that will remain nameless (cough, cough: Heartland Brewery) and a surly waitress who will also remain nameless (sneeze: Jill), to find out the Titans had given up 29 4^th Quarter points and had to rely on a last second field goal from Rob Bironas; his 8^th, an NFL Record. Adding further embarrassment to the Titans is the fact that after losing Matt Shaub to injury, the Texas brought in Sage Rosenfels who absolutely flayed them in the 4^th. I don’t even know what to say about that.
Elsewhere, the Chiefs won a horribly boring game, beating the Raiders 12 – 10; the Cowboys won with a little help from Tavaris Jackson; the Eagles screwed the pooch allowing a final-minute-go-ahead drive at the hands of Brian Griese (which is sort of like getting beaten up by the kid from Jerry Maguire); and the Seahawks pooped on the Rams 33 – 6.
Sunday night saw another curve ball come our way, as the Pittsburgh Steelers couldn’t get it done in what should’ve been a walk-over against the Broncos. Instead, Jay Cutler played great…again throwing 2 picks and fumbling once; but when it was all said and done, Denver squeaked by yet again on the trust right foot of Jason Elam.
Monday night, while I was cooking, Indy’s defense was shutting down Jacksonville and the League’s best defense was being picked apart by Peyton Manning. Manning was Manning, working with exactly what he was given picking his spots while throwing for 259 yards. Dwight Freeney got into the act with a sack, that registered a safety, and Bob Sanders did what he does best. The Patriots continue to play cream puffs and get the accolades while the Colts play real teams and get overlooked…which seems just fine with them.

Random Observations:
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Bears face a pretty tough test when the Lions come to Soldier Field.
ESPN’s coverage of the Miami – New England game actually read, “Brady’s Bunch Pounds the Dolphins.” Um yeah, I’m not really comfortable seeing the words “Brady” and “Pound” in the same sentence…
The Pats opponents have a won/loss record of 17-28; the Colts opponents have a 20-18 record…nuff said.

Next Week:
The Dolphins look to remain winless with a “home” game against the Giants at Wembley Stadium…uh, that’s England for those of you that failed 4^th grade geography. Incidentally, this game also marks the beginning of the end of the Giants season…
The Eagles continue to not live up to expectations when they travel to Minnesota.
Chad Pennington isn’t really going to be the Jets starter against the Bills, is he…?

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
Mike Vick plans on selling Bad Newz Kennels to raise money for his defense.

Photo Credit: Dave Einsel – AP.

Week 7 Lead In

2007-10-19T14:33:00.000-04:00

Dolphins Excited to Continue Sucking

Week 7 Lead In

Friday, October 19, 2007

Well, another Friday is upon us and you know that means it’s time to put what little reputation I have on the line and pick some football games. I’m still in search of the perfect week (something I came very close to last season, but am having trouble hitting my stride…mainly because the Bears and Seahawks are streakier than Louie Anderson’s underwear) and I’m hoping I won’t have to wait to long. So before I start to get away from myself, let’s get busy.

Cardinals at Redskins (-7)
God Boy is apparently on the mend, but the wind does funny stuff in the Capitol and his arm is literally being held together with tape and a brace. His replacement is Tim Rattay, who let’s face it, is just terrible. I just worry about the Redskins ability to score points. They only have one win by 8 or more points…and that was against the Lions! Also, if Rattay goes down, the Cardinals third option is Tim Hasselbeck…hmmm.
Cardinals.

Falcons at Saints (-8.5)
Byron Leftwich gets his first start with the Falcons and the Saints look to right their ship with another victory. After watching what they did in Seattle, how could you not pick them to win this game? The Falcons are in complete disarray right now. Arthur Blank didn’t even stick around to watch the end of the game last week.
Saints.

Ravens at Bills (+3)
Trent Edwards (the guy who “gave the Cowboys a scare”?) gets the nod against the Bills. Not like it’s going to matter, Ray Lewis is going to going to slay the Bills offense. I picked against the Ravens last week because Kyle Boller was getting the nod and I just his QB skills about as much as I trust Federline to perform complicated dental surgery on me. Still, the Bills are awful.
Ravens.

Patriots at Dolphins (+17)
I’ve been thinking this was a trap game since I saw it on the schedule. The Pats are flying high, Belichick is squirreling away video and Tom Brady has probably impregnated Adriana Lima. The Dolphins are home and I mean, they’ve gotta win at some point, right? I’m not saying it’s going to happen Sunday, but I also don’t see them getting blown out at home. My friend “Caprice” is probably a Dolphins fan…I should just pick against them to spite her…but 17-points is a lot of points. On the other side of the coin, Joey Porter’s been a bigger disappointment than I Know Who Killed Me, and if he doesn’t turn things around it could be a very long winter in Miami. Good thing they still have lots of blow and orange women, huh?
Dolphins.

49ers at Giants (-9.5)
Oh man, you know Eli Manning can’t wait to screw this one up! The Giants are quietly on a roll and they’re 9.5-point favorites at home? The past few weeks, the Giants have won in spite of him…although Andy Reid helped out a lot matching a rookie against Osi Umenyiora. The 49ers are capable of surprising the Giants, but I’m capable of lifting a car above my head…if I were in Tulsa and on crank!
Giants.

Bucs at Lions (-2.5)
My erstwhile buddy Beansy reared his ugly head this week, but it’s nowhere near as ugly as this game has the potential to be. The Lions are terrible, but they play in one of the NFL’s worst divisions. The Bucs are also bad, but nowhere near as bad as the Lions. I mean, at least they’re on the same page and John Kitna and Roy Williams are drinking the same crack-laced Cool-Aide, predicting 11 wins.
Bucs.

Titans at Texans (Push)
No one knows whether Vince Young is starting or not. We all remember what happened last year though, when VY went back home and showed Houston how good of an idea it was to select Mario Williams instead of him, don’t we? He ran for almost 90 yards and passed for another 218. Still, being backed up by Kerry Collins isn’t so bad…unless he decides to get interception happy. All that aside, I think Young’s leg would have to be hanging by a thread to keep him out of this game.
Titans.

Chiefs at Raiders (-2.5)
I’d rather spend my afternoon rendering fat!
Chiefs.

Jets at Bengals (-6)
Dennis the Menace seems determined to live and die by the sword of Chad Pennington. Right now, he’s been flayed pretty badly. The Jets stink and I have no doubt that if they somehow have the lead win the waning minutes of the game Chaditha will confuse Orange for Green.
Bengals.

Vikings at Cowboys (-9.5)
The Vikings surprised the Bears in Chicago last weekend, what’s to say they can’t do it again against the Cowboys in Dallas? Oh yeah, the Bears are streaky…but you know what, so are the Cowboys. The boys from Dallas almost lost to Buffalo a few weeks ago, and then let a “bunch of Yankees” come down South and touch ‘em up. Seriously, the last time Southerners let themselves get treated that poorly in consecutive weeks Grant was skeeting all over Lee’s forehead.
Vikings.

Bears at Eagles (-5)
This is a tough one. The Bears look terrible this season, and replacing rex Grossman with Brian Griese has proved about as successful as Hilary Duff’s singing career. The Eagles meanwhile, are now relying solely upon Brian Westbrook because Donovan McNabb still doesn’t have anyone to throw to. Look at it this way, the Eagles managed only 1 TD against the Jets and their defense is, well, terrible. I know the Eagles are home, but I don’t see them winning this thing by any more than a field goal.
Bears.

Rams at Seahawks (-9)
If the Seahawks can’t win this game, they should probably disband the team. Seriously, losing to winless teams in back-to-back weeks? You know the Walrus is probably still scratching his head raw and bloody trying to figure out how the hell last week’s game happened. Right now the Rams are worse than puppy cancer…at an orphanage…on Christmas!
Seahawks.

Steelers at Broncos (+3.5)
Normally (in years past), I’d have reservations about picking the Steelers to go into Denver and knock off the Broncos; but Jay Cutler has been playing more like Jay Thomas, so I’m not too worried. The Steelers are also coming off a bye and should have the Samoan Assassin back with the defense, which could mean a world of hurt for little Jay.
Steelers.

Colts at Jaguars (+3)
It been a couple weeks since there’s been a worthwhile game on Monday night. So while I’m elbow deep in Veal parts, the Colts will hopefully be keeping that record unblemished. Surprisingly, I’m not as worried as I should be…maybe I don’t have as much confidence in David Garrard as Jack Del Rio does.
Colts.

Random Observations:
Tim Hasselbeck, NFL Quarterback or not, should not be allowed to impregnate Elizabeth Hasselbeck…especially multiple times! Seriously, that’s just not fair.
I’m sure Cleveland is happy to have the bye, but honestly it’s like putting Richard Simmons in a room with a naked Halle Berry…wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Photo Credit: Tony Dejak, Associated Press

ALCS Run Down

2007-10-16T23:51:00.000-04:00

Which Racists do I root for…?

ALCS Run Down

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Before we get started, I should probably mention, this post isn’t going to be all that funny…kinda like the Depp version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Saturday night, before I went liver-killing with my friend Katie (quick side-note about Katie: She’s a fan of the Red Sox, by proxy, but a fan nonetheless; and I started off the evening "right." When I met her outside her apartment, the Red Sox had taken a 6 – 5 lead and things looked bleak for the Indians. Seeing as I was furious, and I suppose stupid, I declared to her; that I didn’t like the Red Sox or Boston or anything associated with the two…yeah), I was watching Game 2 of the ALCS at my buddy Kilo’s place with a few friends of ours. His good buddy Curly was going off about how shocking it was that I was rooting for the Indians to beat the Red Sox and asked me how I could do such a thing. His logic was that the Indians beat the Yankees and I shouldn’t be rooting for the team that ousted them from the Playoffs.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always rooted for the team playing the team that ousted my favorite team, not the ousters themselves. He also was complaining about the racist nature of the Indians mascot and the teams’ name itself.
Curly’s argument was that the Indians are a racist organization because of their nasty little mascot (Chief Wahoo), which many people agree is an American Indian approximation of Little Black Sambo. My argument was that, apart from my inherent/inborn dislike of Boston, I think the city of Boston is fairly racist in-and-of-itself and would rather root for a team with a racist mascot than a racist city; because I don’t know about you, but I associate teams with the cities they play in and make judgments about those teams based on those cities. I mean, look, if I saw Ryan Garko and Grady Sizemore passing out bottles of gin at an Indian Reservation I’d be the first one willing to throw a can of paint on their collective fur coat.
You’re probably wondering how I came to this decision (that is, if you’re still reading that is) and the answer isn’t really that simple. I went to high school about 30 minutes outside of Boston in a little town called Southborough and made several trips into Boston during those years. On one such visit, I remember walking down Mass Ave. with a young lady of the Cauc-ish persuasion to have a passer-by, not-so-subtly express his displeasure at our apparent happiness. From that moment on, I’ve always had a rather sour taste in my mouth when it comes to Boston.
On the other side of the coin, my father is part American Indian; which pretty much makes me part American Indian. It shocked Curly that I could still root for the Indians even though my heritage would seem to be at loggerheads with that.
The thing is, part of me hates them both and could honestly care less what happens in this series. But there’s also a part of me that just can’t stand Boston. I think their fans are classless, I think the city is awful, I think their players are dirty, walk around with chips on their shoulders and have a double standard for everyone else in the League; especially the Yankees. Let me explain myself here for a moment. People in Boston went nuts when Joba Chamberlain “threw at” Kevin Youkilis although it seemed pretty clear the pitches slipped out of his hand (Joba’s got pretty good control, I’m pretty sure if he wanted to implant a 101-MPH heater in the side of Youkilis's head, he could've done just that). Meanwhile, those same Bostonians joked about 72-year old Don Zimmer being thrown to the ground by Pedro Martinez during the 2003 ALCS…yeah, elder abuse is hilarious! I don’t even think I need to get into the “classy” ARod/Jeter t-shirts worn by many of the Boston faithful (which incidentally were only banned after the Red Sox won the Series in 2004) or how Boston continues to attempt to play martyr even though they own baseball’s second-highest payroll. But I’m getting off topic.
I’m not excusing Cleveland’s use of Chief Wahoo, I think it’s a despicable mascot that should be changed. I think that in 2007 tolerance should count for something and hell, I don’t know, change the team name back to the Cleveland Blues or Spiders from the NL (what better way to honor the winningest pitcher of all time, Cy Young?). But, I’m not here to propose new nicknames for Cleveland, just tell you why I’m willing to root for them over Boston.
In short, aside from 6 awful hours I spent in an airport once, I have no real reason to dislike the city of Cleveland. On the other hand, I have a visceral reaction to Boston and just because the Indians are playing the Red Sox doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and buy a bunch of Indians gear. So basically, I’m picking the city of Cleveland over the city of Boston and excusing their despicable mascot. But if, god willing, the Indians do beat the Red Sox and make it to the World Series, I’m going to dust off the adjustable Rockies cap I bought when I was 12 and cheer for them like they were the pinstriped Yankees who played in Denver! So disagree with me if you like, but that's how I feel.
As of my writing this (11:50, p.m. EDT, Tuesday night), Terry Francona is trying to explain how how Tim Wakefield didn’t screw the pooch, giving up 6 in the 5th, and allowing Cleveland to put Boston in a 3 – 1 hole.

Week 6 Wrap Up

2007-10-16T10:40:00.000-04:00

Pennington Explains Poor Play due to Girly Arm, not Lack of Heart

Week 6 Wrap Up

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Well, you can pretty much set your watch to it by now; for the third week in a row Chad Pennington and the Jets screwed the pooch with less than three minutes remaining while driving for the lead or tie. The Eagles gave the Jets every opportunity to get back into the game, including two missed field goals by David Akers that would’ve easily put the game out of reach and a Philadelphia offense that became anemic in the Jets Red Zone. If Pennington’s performance the last three Sundays doesn’t convince Eric Mangini a/k/a Dennis the Menace to make a switch at QB, nothing will. This week, Chaditha was 11-for-21 with a measly 128 yards passing, no TD’s and an interception.
While the Eagles were unconvincingly “beating” the Titans Jets, Vince Young was finally felled by the Madden curse. Trying to scamper out of bounds, Young tweaked his quad and lay on the ground for a few minutes before eventually hobbling to the locker room. Tennessee brass says it’s too soon to tell whether or not he’ll start next week against Houston but if this is really the Madden curse his leg’ll probably turn green by Wednesday. With Young out, Jeff Fisher had no choice but to replace him with the strong arm and poor decision-making ability of Kerry Collins, who managed not to throw any picks, but also didn’t throw any touchdowns; resulting in a 13 – 10 Bucs win.
Another team I picked to win on Sunday before their starting QB went down was Arizona; unfortunately God Boy’s elbow went all gimpy and he was replaced by Tim Rattay; the same guy the 49ers and Bucs gave up on…I know. With Warner on the bench, the Immortal One, Vinny Testaverde, reached into the 1980’s, passing for 206 yard and 1 TD (no word on whether or not he was hanging out with Wham! the night before). While not especially impressive numbers, the guy is 43, hasn’t played in about 8 months and still had a better outing than Chaditha. One more note, Kurt thinks he’s got torn ligaments in his elbow. Usually, I’d say self-diagnosis is about as smart sharing needles with Pam Anderson, but Warner’s been hurt more times than Jennifer Aniston, so maybe he knows what he’s talking about.
The Dolphins continued their march towards a different kind of streak with a zero in it getting spanked by the Browns 41 – 31. Miami’s defense, the unit they used to rely on, looked more like the University of Miami allowing Derek Anderson to go 18-of-25 for 245 yards passing and 3 TD’s. Cleo Lemon meanwhile, had 2 picks to match his 2 TD’s. Miami isn’t just bad right now, they stink out loud.
Green Bay did just what I said they would do, and bounced back…although honestly, no one on that team seemed like they were really trying to win. Brett Favre set the All-Time interception mark, at 279, and was out-passed by Jason Campbell. Luckily for the gunslinger, his team played slightly better than the terrible play of the Redskins.
Kansas City, for all the badmouthing I’ve been giving them this season, has quietly made its way back to .500, while the Bengals have dropped to 1 – 4, and are winless on the road. Carson Palmer passed for over 300 yards, but that wasn’t enough to stop the mistake-free and relatively boring play of Damon Huard. Also in middle (small “m”) America, Baltimore was busily proving me wrong as they laid some pipe to St. Louis 22 – 3, and Jacksonville (which is actually the South, but that’s okay; they’re just as smart down there as they are in the middle of the country) was touching up Houston, piling on 21 in the 4^th Quarter to eventually win 37 – 17.
The much hyped “Duel” between New England and Dallas was interesting for about an hour, until it became clear that Dallas’s defense had no answer for New England’s offense and it was basically up to Tom Brady to decide when he wanted to score…kinda like how he does it when he’s off the field. In the end the Pats demolished the Cowboys and ran away from them faster than Britney’s old attorney’s.
Seattle’s troubles continued as they lost to previously winless New Orleans 28 – 17. The Seahawks were never really in the game and were down 28 – 10 at the half, although perhaps they can take solace in the fact that they outscored the Saints 7 – 0 in the second half…hmmm, no.
San Diego made themselves feel better by beating Oakland…the NFC’s version of the kid with the lazy eye and the speech impediment at the playground. Philip Rivers had another mediocre game, but he was immaterial as Tomlinson (I’m still not calling him LT) ran for 198 yards with 4 TD’s. Hopefully, someone will wake me up when San Diego actually plays a good team.
Last night the Giants continued their somewhat surprising roll, beating down the Falcons, in Atlanta last night. Now, I know that Joey Harrington is the Falcons QB, and I know Byron Leftwich couldn’t be “blessed” with a worse combination than if his legs were actually made from stone and he actually had a bazooka for an arm. Still, the Giants ran roughshod over the Falcons like time over Meg Ryan.

Random Observations:
Dan Rooney and Mike Tomlin look like geniuses, now that Joey Porter is playing more like Joey Buttafuoco.
Santana Moss took himself out of Sunday’s game saying, “something wasn’t feeling right?” Well obviously if the second best player on your team is feeling off you should let him sit out.
Apparently, in ESPN’s universe, beating the Raiders 28 – 14 constitutes a “rout.” I’d hate to find out what word they’d use to describe the beat-down Cowboys received in Dallas.
If this is it for Kurt Warner, it would probably be better for everyone if he just faded into obscurity like Sean Young.

Next Week:
Miami drops to 0 – 7 when the Pats come to town.
Indy faces a tough test when they travel to Jacksonville.
I decide to put a carnivorous earwig into my brain, rather than watch Atlanta play New Orleans.

Unsubstantiated Sport Rumor of the Week:
Belichick left his starters in on purpose to prove a point to Wade Phillips?

Week 6 Preview

2007-10-12T10:50:00.000-04:00

At 0 – 5, Dolphins Hitting Their Stride in QB-Heavy Draft Year

Week 6 Preview

Friday, October 12, 2007

The NFL Season is about a third of the way over (scary thought when I put it like that, huh?) and so far we’re acting pretty much the way we did last year going crazy over one game as if there isn’t a single division that isn’t within striking distance. A quick look around the League reveals the Raiders, a .500 team, are in first place in the AFC West; the Steelers are only 1 game up on the Ravens; and the Pats, Colts and Cowboys are the only teams with a 2 (or more) game lead in their respective divisions. With that in mind, let’s take a look at Week 6.

Bengals at Chiefs (+3)
Last season, when Carson Palmer was walking on water and Damon Huard was making everyone forget about Trent Green this was a great game; now it’s a waste of 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon. You don’t know which QB’s are going to show up, the inconsistent one’s from this year or their MVP-numbered counterparts from last season. Still, the Chiefs have looked nothing short of terrible this season.
Bengals.

Texans at Jaguars (-6.5)
The Texans are mildly good this season. Something, I think, that has less to do with the departure of David Carr and more to do with the maturity of the defense. That said, I don’t see Matt Shaub going into Jacksonville and being able to put up points on that defense; couple that with the perfect (read, “mistake-free”) football played by David Garrard and a great running game and Houston does not escape with a victory.
Jaguars.

Dolphins at Browns (-4.5)
The Browns are pretty terrible, but actually played the Patriots tough on the road, which I’m guessing gives their fans false hope. Meanwhile, the Dolphins pooched a golden opportunity to get in the win column by blowing several leads against the Texans. Cleo Lemon is a wildcard though. He was serviceable last season in relief and decent in his one start. If he has a good game, the Fins have a chance…I’ll take them with the points.
Dolphins.

Vikings at Bears (-5.5)
That last Bears game was an aberration. They had to come from behind (scoring 20 second half points) and rely on the mistakes of Favre & the Packers in order to walk away with a victory. I’m not sure Griese is the guy you want to hang your hat on to beat another team by 6. Still, the Vikings do stink and Brad Childress is about as effective a coach as Jessica Alba is a comedienne.
Update: DE Erasmus James & RB Chester Taylor got into a locker room fight that apparently re-injured James’s shoulder and put a shiner under Taylor’s eye. James is out, Taylor will play.
Bears.

Eagles at Jets (+3)
One thing that scares me about this game is that Philadelphia’s offensive line is easier to penetrate than…there’s no way I can go there and not get myself in trouble…it’s porous. Aside from that, Chad Pennington is probably about 2 INT’s away from spending the remainder of his season on the bench; especially, ya’know, when the guy who can replace you can actually throw the football.
Eagles.

Rams at Ravens (-9.5)
I’m sorry, did I fall asleep and wake up in the Bizarro Universe where Kyle Boller is actually a good QB and Steve McNair isn’t being held together with prayers and duct tape? Don’t get me wrong, McNair is one tough guy, but he always seems to be a gust of wind away from pulling a hammy or straining his groin. Still, the Rams are averaging a measly 14-points per game and the only high priced QB who’s been a bigger disappointment to his team has been Mike Vick. Still, 9.5 points is ridiculous! Especially considering the Ravens seem incapable of scoring touchdowns.
Rams.

Titans at Bucs (-2.5)
This will be a real test for the Bucs who could do nothing right against a Colts team missing 5 starters, including Marvin Harrison and Bob Sanders. Just imagine the Cowboys trying to play without “the Player” & Roy Williams. The fact that Tennessee found a way to win (and yes, I know they were playing the Falcons) in spite of Vince Young should have Tampa worried. At least they can look on the bright side and say they’re not the worst team in Florida!
Titans.

Redskins at Packers (-3.5)
Jason Campbell had the best game of his fledgling pro career last week, and the chilly air at Lambeau should help him some. But the Packers are looking to bounce back after a tough home loss. I don’t see them dropping two straight at home, I just don’t. Not to mention, there’s no way to tell whether Joe Gibbs will remember whether he’s coaching that day or not.
Packers.

Panthers at Cardinals (-4)
The first time I posted this, I skipped over this game…probably because watching Vinny Testaverde and Kurt Warner fight over a can of Metamucil, isn’t how I pictured spending my Sunday. Cardinals are home and Kurt is slightly younger than Vinny.
Cardinals.

Patriots at Cowboys (+6)
A quick look at ESPN’s poll for who will win this game is rather revealing. Out of 32,000 people nationwide, (As of 10:30, a.m. EDT) only 55% of Texans are picking the Cowboys; 92% of people in Massachusetts think the Pats are going to win; but 79% of people in New York are also going with the Pats (as in the same people who watched them pimp-slap the Jets a few weeks ago). The simple explanation is that as much as New Yorkers hate Boston/New England, we hate the South even more. You might have better College Football, but at least we have all our teeth.
Patriots.

Raiders at Chargers (-9.5)
When I went to LA last year to visit my buddy Harvard, we sat in what passes for an Irish Pub out there and I watched the Raiders beat the Chargers for 58 minutes. I’m hoping Oakland can hang on those extra two minutes this year. I also like Oakland’s defense and think asking Philip Rivers to beat a team, even the Raiders, by 10 is a lot to ask. I just know this one's gonna bit me on the ass...
Raiders.

Saints at Seahawks (-6.5)
The Saints can’t seem to do anything right, and the sheen from last years amazing run to the NFC Championship game has turned a nice rusty orange. Seattle is a hostile place to play and not where I see New Orleans being able to right their ship.
Seahawks.

Giants at Falcons (+3.5)
You can imagine when the NFL braintrust was sitting down to pick this game they were thinking, “Eli Manning meets Michael Vick…this game is gonna be great!” Instead it’s Joey Harrington against—does it really matter? It’s Joey Harrington. Oh yeah, Byron Leftwich’s ankle is messed up…again.
Giants.

Lost Time Wrap Up

2007-10-11T12:08:00.000-04:00

The TMQB, making up for lost time like a deadbeat dad…

Lost Time Wrap Up

Thursday, October 11, 2007

So I figured that since it’s been a few weeks since I had gotten around to dropping some knowledge on you like Senator Craig’s pants in an airport bathroom, I’d give you a double dose of “news.”
For starters, I can’t believe I didn’t mention Tony Romo’s 5 INT’s in the Cowboys “victory” over the Bills on Sunday. For those of you who know, I simply don’t like him…he’s like my J.P. Losman Version 2.0, except he’s kinda good; which upsets me because I’d love to see him fail. Why? Well, in the words of George Carlin, “because I’m a sick, evil f-ck, that’s why!” Seriously, do I need a reason? I’m afraid you’d like me less if I went all soft on you and started talking about puppy dogs and how cute Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood look and did you see what she was wearing to the Country Music Awards? (Excuse me for a minute, I have to go vomit). One more thing on Tony Romo, and I got this from a guy let’s call “Gene W,” who works for a really big sports network. But he basically said that if Quincy Carter hadn’t pressed the self-destruct button on his career, I probably wouldn’t even be complaining about Mr. Romo. So Quincy’s legacy continues, even when he’s out of the League and standing on the corner of Sepulveda and Sunset with a sqweege.
Larry Johnson’s hold out continues…oh, it doesn’t? Really? But I could’ve sworn…oh, well I guess it just seems like he’s still holding out. Especially after his last game where he rushed 9 times for a whopping 12 yards! Yeah Larry, so far you’re proving to be worth every penny. Did I say penny? I meant peso.
Shifting; for a moment; away from the world of football, let’s turn our eye to baseball. No, I’m not getting into what happened to the Yankees on Monday night…mainly because I need use my keyboard, not smash it to pieces. The Yankees had another early exit from the post-season and the Red Sox are still alive which doubly hurts. In addition, Joe Torre has probably spent his last game asleep in the dugout; Mariano Rivera (you remember him, the guy who loaded the bases TWICE during the final week of the season) is going to “test the market” before he inevitably resigns, lest he wake up with a horse head in his pillow; Posada & Pettite are also both free agents and I heard Joba is still having nightmares about gnats…oh yeah, and while the Yankees keep everyone else twisting in the wind, ARod has them by the figs. Maybe if we’re really lucky, Steinbrenner will completely wig out and offer Roger $50 Million to come back and not pitch for a full season.
Lost in all of the “disappointment” over another early Yankees exit from the playoffs is how happy we (New Yorkers) should be they even overcame a 14.5 game deficit to even make the playoffs. I’m sorry, that’s loser talk. People in New York aren’t fans of the Yankees because we say, “we want them to be one of the best teams in baseball;” we want them to be the best. If I wanted to live in a city with a perpetually-half-decent team, I’d move to Seattle. But I’m happy and I’m spoiled, so I live in New York City and I expect the Yankees to at least make it to a World Series every year. Totally unrealistic, but so is living in Topeka and wishing you could meet Catherine Zeta-Jones, while I make her wait behind me in line at Starbucks. That’s why I’m where I am and why someone in Topeka or where ever is where they are. I’m sure if you like cows and corn, then Topeka is awesome. I like to eat cows, and so long as my meat isn’t green, I could care less about Topeka. Meanwhile, there’s some farmer who’s giddy as a schoolgirl because the Yankees got bounced, even though the closest he’s been to New York was buying Sex & the City for his 16-year old daughter at Wall Mart. (Whew, sorry about that one.)

Random Observations:
My mistake, the aforementioned Mr. Carter? Turns out he’s not washing windows. Hey Quince, way to go from starting NFL quarterback to splitting time on an Arena League Football (Minor League) Team…Wow! And you thought Reefer Madness was a good deterrent against the ills of “the dread Marijuana!”
Vinny Testaverde signed by the Panthers? Wow. Was Ryan Leaf too busy coaching?

Tomorrow:
TMQB football picks make a return. How else would you know which teams to run away from faster than Ricky Martin at Scores.

Week 5 Wrap Up

2007-10-09T11:19:00.000-04:00

Travis Johnson, Stand-up Guy

Week 5 Wrap Up

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Okay, so the TMQB took a short break and went to LA (to take in an Angels game and watch their un-fans celebrate winning the AL West a/k/a Second Weakest Division in Baseball), but now we’re back and ready to go.
First of all, let me say this; and I know I’m not going to score very many points; but Trent Green is a moron. There, I said it. If there are 10 other guys on your team (who don’t have a history of concussing themselves, by the way) what the hell are you doing trying to block a 315-pound lineman below the knees…while leading with your head??? Are you serious? Hey Trent, what did you think was going to happen when you catapulted your head in front of the knee of a man running full speed? Shit, I get a headache when I get out of bed too quickly. Honestly, it’s not like it matters; the Dolphins season was over when they let Daunte Culpepper ~~out of his contract~~ waste away before letting him go to Oakland (thanks guys) and signed a 37-year old QB who’s been concussed more times than Lohan’s had DUI’s. There’s no doubt in my mind that now that the Losmantastic Cleo Lemon is at the helm the Fins will win the rest of their games and manage a Wild Card berth…yeah, and Ray Carruth isn’t a baby killer. By the way, for those of you keeping score at home, the Dolphins pooched a sure win against the Texans and ended up staying winless, falling 22 – 19.
Elsewhere around the League, Byron Leftwich came in to relieve Joey Harrington (which if you ask me is kinda like trading in your Opel for a Peugeot) and proceeded to throw 4 straight passes to 8-foot tall imaginary receivers…yeah, he’s not rusty at all. You can’t tell me that the City of Atlanta would rather have a puppy-killer than the duo they’ve got now. Atlanta fell 20 – 13, despite 3 (count ‘em, three) Vince Young interceptions. I don’t even know how that happens. Seriously, how does the opposing QB throw 3 interceptions and you still end up losing the game? Oh right, your starting QB is Joey Harrington…right.
Elsewhere, the Ravens beat the 49ers in a game that proved more useless than reading to deaf children; Jacksonville beat Kansas City (snooze); Arizona beat St. Louis and the Bears “shocked” the Packers. Although, in order for the Bears to really shock the Packers, the Packers would actually have to be good and the Bears would have to go back in time and not make it to the Super Bowl…LAST YEAR.
Right around the time I was waking up Sunday to make some Purple Fingerling Potato Hash (yeah, the TMQB cooks too) the Giants and Jets were playing a thrilling game that saw Eli Manning finish the first half with a 0.0 Passer Rating. Never fear Giants fans, if there’s one thing you can count on Chad Pennington for (well, besides his girlish throwing arm and inability to pass more than 15-yards) is his knack for throwing interceptions exactly when the Jets are driving for a game winning or tying score. He did it last week against Buffalo and did it again on Sunday when the Giants had just gone up 28 – 24; the resulting TD on a run-back by Aaron Ross, put the game out of reach. You can bet that if the Jets and Giants didn’t play in the same stadium it would’ve been a very long flight for Chad(itha).
Before we get ahead of ourselves, saying the Chargers are BACK and start clearing space in the playoffs for them, lets try to remember they played the Denver Broncos, who (I’m pretty sure I told you) stink. Okay, "stink" might be a little harsh, but Jay Cutler is not Peyton Manning…hell, Jay Culter might not even be J.P. Losman, I’m sorry, low blow. But honestly, is anyone surprised by this loss considering they barely beat the Bills and Raiders? By the way, check this out…the GIANT head of Tony Siragusa. Scary, isn’t it? So, if we learned anything, it’s that the Chargers are still bad, just not as bad as the Broncos. To all those people talking about Jay Cutler & Philip Rivers being the second coming…they were a combined 36-for-54, with 502 yards passing, 2 TD’s & 1 Int…Wow! Stellar numbers, really. So, when do we take Peyton’s MVP Awards away…? No, no, I can wait.

The Colts won, the Steelers won and the Redskins won; but none of those things were really surprising so let’s move on, shall we? The Patriots also won, knocking off yet another team that probably would’ve lost to Stanford this weekend, beating perennial ~~powerhouse~~ losers the Browns. With the exception of road games at Indy and Baltimore and a home game against Pittsburgh, New England’s schedule is easier than Paris Hilton…at Lake Havasu…after a chugging contest.

Random Observations:
How pissed do you think all those people who have Ladainian Tomlinson on their fantasy teams were when the Chargers blow out the Broncos, his backup goes for 147 yards and he only goes for 67?
Pacman Jones thinks he’s done enough to be reinstated…yeah, and Mike Vick is going to end up getting a suspended sentence.
It’s too bad Tony Dungy and Bill Polian talk about god so much and, ya’know, have respect for people…otherwise, they would’ve signed Tank Johnson, who might be coming back to the League sooner than expected.
Honestly, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating, Chad Pennington should never be allowed to touch a football again.

Next Week:
Could Baltimore and St. Louis play to a 0 – 0 tie? Tune in to find out.
The Cowboys nice little win streak hits a snag when the Pats come to town.
Miami and Cleveland battle for the title of Worst Team in Football.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
New England is in talks to resign Charlie Weis, because Belichick is worried he doesn’t have enough over-weight pompous coaches on his staff.

Coughlin should be jobless, only thing that makes sense

2007-09-18T09:34:00.000-04:00

Coughlin should be jobless, only thing that makes sense

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Week 2 Wrap Up

So far, the only thing that’s really going according to form this Season is that you can throw all your rules out the window. “Good” teams are playing terribly, “bad” teams are playing well, and teams that should be losing games are squeaking by like Pink’s music career.
The Pats beat another bad team when they hosted the Chargers this weekend; no that wasn’t a misprint I said bad team. If anyone honestly thought the Chargers would’ve been able to take second year (as a starter, before Beansy or somebody freaks out) QB Philip Rivers, an entirely new coaching staff, not to mention Norv Turner at the helm and run away with the AFC West they way they did last year please raise your hand. The Pats, unfortunately, don’t have a real challenge on their schedule until Week 6 when they travel to Dallas, and I’m not even sure that’s going to be that tough for them.
Speaking of Dallas and the wildly over-hyped Tony Romo, they looked pretty terrible for most of three quarters against the Dolphins until, well, the Dolphins remembered they were the Dolphins. So far, Trent Green hasn’t proven a viable replacement to ~~Daunte Culpepper~~, ~~Cleo Lemon~~, ~~Joey Harrington~~, Dan Marino; and the Dolphins look like they’re in for a more drawn-out season than American Idol. So Dallas ended up beating down Miami like Rampage beat down Hollywood Henderson; it wasn’t pretty but when it was all said and done there was no question it could’ve gone the other way.
The Colts escaped Tennessee with a victory and have to be happy not have to go back there until next year…or until Booger McFarland opens up Booger’s Bodacious Burger Shack in Nashville, because you know he’s thinking about it. Vince Young had one of those games I was waiting for him to have going 17-of-27 for 184 yards, with a TD and no INT’s and also ran for 53 yards. Peyton Manning had the kind of game I made fun of Jay Cutler and J.P. Losman for last week, going 28-of-42 for 312 yards, but only managed one TD, and threw a pick. The difference you ask? I like Peyton Manning and the Colts; and I think Losman is about a year away from selling pirated DVD’s on Canal Street, and the Cubs might make it to a World Series before Cutler has himself a ring. Still the Colts defense held onto this one for them, uncharacteristically bailing out Manning a couple times before collapsing, faster than Britney’s career, on VY at the end of the game to secure the victory.
The Jets and Giants picked up where they left off last week (stinking horribly), although the Jets at least showed a glimmer of hope in back-up QB Kellen Clemens. Because Brian Billick is an “offensive genius” in the same way Renee Zellweger is a “genius-genius,” the Ravens allowed the Jets to hang around and but for the inexperience of Clemens and Justin McCareins dropping a sure TD; this game could’ve gone to Overtime; where the Jets probably would’ve screwed the pooch.
The Giants meanwhile, were never in the game; a game they hosted no less. Brett Favre looked nothing like a man who should be eating his dinner through a straw and playing shuffleboard and every bit the gunslinger that Rex Grossman aspires to be if he, you know, didn’t make stupid decisions. I know, Giants coach, Tom Coughlin wanted to put the team’s best foot forward starting Eli Manning, but do you really want to see your QB; and his recently separated shoulder; trying to tackle 6’4” 313-pound Corey Williams following an interception? The Giants should’ve started the Walking Kentucky Twinkie Factory, Jared Lorenzen, and hoped for the best.
Elsewhere around the League, the Broncos improved to 2 – 0, no thanks to Jay Cutler, who should’ve been able to DEMOLISH the Raiders and were only saved because the NFL hates the Raiders or so Nosferatu a/k/a Al Davis would have you believe. The Bears hung on to beat a pretty terrible Chiefs team, Detroit shocked Minnesota, although “shocked” would imply there were actually people watching the game.
The game I wanted to watch, but was unable to, was Cincy against Cleveland; which was not only a barn-burner, but also the Browns first win since the original Browns (cum Ravens) left for Baltimore. The Browns beat the Bengals 51-45, in a game that probably destroyed a third of the suicide pools in this country.
Elsewhere, the Bucs actually did shock New Orleans (because people were watching this one); St. Louis proved their ineptitude losing to San Francisco; Arizona mildly surprised Seattle who played crappy in Week 1 and probably deserved to lose; Houston continues to cause the Earth to spin off its axis by winning; and Buffalo lost to Pittsburgh.
The Eagles somehow managed to lose their home opener to the Redskins, a team that by all accounts probably wouldn’t even win the Big East. I remember turning this game on briefly, thinking, “there’s no way the Eagles can lose this one! They’re at home? They’re playing the Redskins? Joe Gibbs thinks its 1982? I’m changing the channel.” Instead, the Eagles proved they could move the ball about as efficiently as Michigan and get into the end zone with the ease of Notre Dame…I once again changed the channel.

Random Observations:
If the Patriots already had two First Round Draft picks, how much are they being hurt when you only take one away and then basically allow them to use the money they’d pay that lost pick on a free agent?
Quite the impressive little sign by a Tennessean: “VictorY.” They know how to spell down there…
Okay, CBS, I get it. Kellen Clemens grew up on a HUGE farm in Oregon. What about his favorite pet or something?
Hey Coughlin, it’s probably not the best idea to have more guys throwing the football than you had running the football, whatcha think?
I didn’t talk about the Jacksonville – Atlanta game did I? No, no I did not.
If you had told me that after two weeks of the Season, the Lions and Packers would be at the top of the division, I would’ve asked you who was planning to kidnap all the Bears.

Next Week:
The TMQB broadcasts from sunny Los Angeles.
I’m actually interested to watch the Packers host the Chargers.
Eagles host the Lions…hmm, 8 wins off of John Kitna’s pace.
If Vince Young wasn’t playing Monday night…I can’t even finish that thought, it’s too frightening.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:
The Patriots are thinking of signing Ricky Williams?

Week 1 Wrap Up

2007-09-11T12:11:00.000-04:00

Jets Continue to Win Battle Against Competency

Week 1 Wrap Up

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Before I get started, I would like to acknowledge those who lost their lives six years ago and their families. I would also like to offer my prayers to the family of Bills reserve TE Kevin Everett, who suffered a serious spinal-cord injury Sunday afternoon against the Broncos.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’d have to say the start of the 2007 NFL Football season was largely a disappointment. Thursday night was great, the Saints had no answer for the Colts and were unable to even score an offensive touchdown…no small feat considering where these two teams offenses & defenses were last year (1^st & last in the League). The Colts held Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush to 38-yards each and 106-rushing yards as a team. Drew Bres, channeling his Purdue days, threw 41 passes and 2 Interceptions. The Colts, meanwhile, looked in mid-season form, spreading the ball around, while their defense picked up where it left off last year during the playoffs stifling New Orleans in what was supposed to be a shoot-out. The Colts scored more points than the Pats, gave up less points than the Pats, and didn’t even give up an offense TD; yet, no one’s talking about the Colts. Not to mention, the Jets were lucky to even make the Playoffs last year, the Saints ran through the NFC.

The Bucs gave the Seahawks a brief scare on Sunday, actually making the game interesting until Jeff Garcia had his head bounce off the ground like a superball. Back-up, Luke McCown; who I think is like the sixth McCown brother; relieved Garcia and helped Seattle put the game out of reach. Garcia’s okay, so don’t worry Bucs fans; now you can hold out hope until at least Week 10 before you realize your season’s actually over.

I don’t even think Bills fans expected the Broncos to play as terribly as they did on Sunday. J.P. was his usual Losmantacular self, throwing for less than 100-yards; while Cutler threw for over 300-yards, but only produced 1 TD. It doesn’t matter whether they “escaped with a victory,” if I were Mike Shanahan, I’d spent a little less time whitening my teeth, and more time trying to figure out why my golden boy couldn’t get it done against the Buffalo Bills. I mean, c’mon, this should’ve been like the Wolverines playing Appalachian State…oh, wait a minute. I’m also trying to figure out how Denver’s 470 yards of total offense only translated into 15-points.
The Hype Machine is also working overtime, as the Patriots and Cowboys both beat inferior teams and to hear Keyshawn, Jaws and the rest of the morons over there, we shouldn’t even bother to play the rest of the season. Randy Moss caught 9 passes for 183-yards and a TD, while the Patriots spanked the Jets, like an unruly child, 38 – 14. The Giants, meanwhile, were able to jump out to a 6 – 3 lead after the 1^st Quarter, but must’ve forgotten that when you give up 14-points in each subsequent Quarter, it’s a little tough to win football games. In case you haven’t figured out, I’m not at all impressed by the Pats or Cowboys ability to beat middling teams to open the Season. Dallas gets their first test in Week 3 when they go to Chicago; while the Pats host the Chargers next week and then head to Cincinnati in Week 4. Things also went from bad to worse for both New York teams who saw their starters go down. Chad Pennington, a/k/a 3^rd Grad girl arm, with an ankle sprain and Eli Manning with a separated shoulder.

In other games, the Texans stunned just about everyone, including themselves, beating the Chiefs 20 – 3 in the first game of the post-David Carr era. The Chargers looked sloppy in their win over the Bears, but the Bears looked even worse. Vince Young ran for a TD in Tennessee’s win over Jacksonville while he continues to throw less passes than Lance Bass at a singles convention. In retrospect, the Eagles 16 – 13 loss to Green Bay isn’t as surprising as it looks, considering Donovan McNabb doesn’t really have anyone to throw to and he’s still not 100%. McNabb looked rustier than a ’63 Studebaker and Favre was his usual gunslinging self going 23-for-42, with 206-yards passing and an INT. While the Eagles were busily losing a road game they should’ve won, the Rams were losing a home game they should’ve won against the Panthers. Steven Jackson was held to less than 60-yards on the ground, while Bulger had a Losmantastic day with only 167 passing yards.
Monday night saw the Bengals let the Ravens hang around until Steve McNair went down with a groin injury and the inexplicably still employed Kyle Boller attempted to drive Baltimore downfield, only to pull a Tony Romo and choke on the goal line. The 49ers won in spite of themselves and are now tied with the Seahawks for 1^st in the NFC West…they’re dancing in the streets in Berkeley today!

Next Week:
Buffalo attempts to break the 200-yard barrier against Pittsburgh, I hope they don’t hold their breath.
If the Colts scored 41 on New Orleans, I’m afraid to know how many they’ll score on Tennessee.
Atlanta at Jacksonville…someone’s got to win, right?

Random Observations:
I’ve heard two separate announcers on two different networks refer to Braves catcher, Matt Diaz, as “Matt Dye-az,” what gives?
Ladainian Tomlinson has more TD passes than Rex Grossman. Exactly when do Chicagoans start to get worried?
LSU has the best college football team in the country, hands down.
No one should ever question Steve McNair’s toughness.

Unsubstantiated Rumor of the Week:
The Giants are exploring bringing Tiki Barber back, as head coach…?

Picked to Lose, Colts Don’t Cooperate

2007-09-08T21:32:00.000-04:00

Picked to Lose, Colts Don’t Cooperate

Week 1 Lead In

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Some things never change: Paris Hilton will always be stupid, Lohan will never wear underwear, Jerry Lewis will continue to drop the “other” F-Bomb, and I will make merciless fun of J.P. Losman, the Buffalo Bills, Brady Quinn & most of the other teams or athletes you like.

With that said, Week 1 of the NFL Season is almost upon us and that smell in the air is the storm clouds rumbling in on Mike Vick’s soon to be over career in the League. I know I missed handicapping Fantasy Players and Drafts for you and I apologize…but I also got to skip out on a favorite segment of yours when I go back over everything I got wrong during the season. Just, FYI: I’m pretty sure I did say the Colts were going to win the Super Bowl.

Time to run down the games for all you gamblers out there.

Saints at Colts (-5.5)

So I started writing this thing before the Colts skeeted on the Saints Thursday night, but if you look at my previous post, I did pick them to win…by the way, Jason Whitlock is a fool.

Colts.

Broncos at Bills (+3)

This is a classic battle of Losmantastic QB’s, J.P. vs. Jay. Cutler? Undeserved hype. Losman? Should be selling oranges near the off-ramp of Exit 00 in Miami. Still, the Broncos are a very good team and their defense got better with the addition of Simeon Rice. The Bills? Well, they did draft Marshawn Lynch and leave it to Marv Levy to throw him to the wolves somewhere around the third snap.

Broncos.

Steelers at Browns (+4.5)

Honestly, I wish Brady Quinn was starting. Troy Polamalu would sprinkle some shrunken-head-dust on him and be eating Monkey Brain’s out of it by half time. The Browns are just awful though and I don’t see how they, even with the help of “soldier” Kellen Winslow can actually beat the Steelers. If the Browns score more than 21 points I’ll give up booze for two weeks!

Steelers.

Eagles at Packers (+3)

No one in a position of management seems to know what the hell they’re going in Philadelphia: Alienate Franchise QB? Check. Cut beloved and still good LB? Check. Not address the poor Wide Receiver situation in the Draft? Check. The Packers still stink, no matter what Favre does when he ambles out with his Revo Electric Scooter. This game falls under the category of having an unlicensed dentist perform complicated surgery on me rather than watch. Still, the Eagles (who are skinnier at Wide Receiver than Nicole Richie) did somehow manage to go 10 – 6 last season (largely thanks to Jeff Garcia, who’s now in Tampa); so they must’ve been doing something right.

Eagles.

Chiefs at Texans (+3)

As if I should really have to explain myself here…

Chiefs.

Titans at Jaguars (-6.5)

The Jags, fresh off kicking Byron Leftwich to the curb, look to start fresh this year. The Titans defense doesn’t really have an answer for Maurice Jones-Drew, which is all well and good because few teams have an answer for Vince Young. Vince Young has no one to throw to. David Garrard has no one to throw to. The biggest thing working against Young and the Titans isn’t so much the Sophomore Slump, but the fact that he’s plastered across the cover of Madden NFL ’08 and more likely to tear something faster than Barbaro coming up the back stretch. Still, I like VY.

Titans.

Falcons at Vikings (-3)

I bet you all those Vikings fans who bought these tickets back in June are doubly pissed at Mike Vick now. The Vikes will be starting Tavaris Jackson at QB, who’s greener than rancid milk but at least shows flashes of competency. They also have Adrian Peterson in the fold, who should be absolutely dynamite on turf. The Falcons on the other hand, take former Heisman “hopeful” Joey Harrington and a bunch of other schmoes up North for the first game of what should be a very long season. If Adrian Peterson weren’t in this game, I’d probably take up crocheting rather have to be subjected to it.

Vikings.

Patriots at Jets (+6.5)

I’m sitting here watching SportsCenter, watching the recap of the Colts hit some clay pigeons and I’m still unsure who’s going to win this match-up. I have about equal respect for Chad Pennington as I have for Sean Preston Federline, so I automatically don’t expect big things. The Pats however, are hurting. Richie Seymore is out for 6 weeks, habitual injector Rodney Harrison is suspended for 4 weeks for substance abuse. I actually like the Jets in an upset…hey look, I found that meth that someone sprinkled on my Wheaties!

Jets.

Panthers at Rams (-1)

A great Conference match-up to kick the Season off. The Panthers took a bigger step backwards than Noltie in the Gingerdead Man; and I’m starting to question Jake Delhomme…oh wait, I was doing that last Season. The Rams meanwhile, gave Marc Bulger the GNP of Belgium and Steven Jackson is primed for another big season. Although I still can’t understand a word that comes out of his mouth.

Rams.

Dolphins at Redskins (-3)

The Dolphins are actually a worse football team than they were last year; Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas are scary good but are also a combined 147, Wes Welker is happily eating Fenway Franks and Cam Cameron not only let Dom Capers coach the games this season, but looks like he should be teaching 8^th graders about xylem & phloem…Jesus! Not to mention, Trent Green is one hard hit away from going on Vision Quests with Ricky Williams. The Redskins stink-out-loud though; and the offensive line didn’t show much enthusiasm for protecting Jason Campbell during the pre-Season. If the Dolphins D can hold it together, I actually like them…who sprinkled Peyote on my Corn Flakes?

Dolphins.

Lions at Raiders (-2.5)

Honestly, who cares?

Lions.

Bears at Chargers (-6)

Normally, I’d be suspect of the Super Bowl losers starting out, but the Bears are pretty good and Lovie does know how to “coach ‘em up.” On the other hand, the Chargers have the amazingly overrated Phillip Rivers, LT, Shawne Merriman & his magic juice! I want to think the Chargers can pull this off, but I have about as much confidence in Norv Turner as I have in the Hoff raising my kids! And I say this knowing the Sex Cannon (Rex Grossman) is all usually kinds of awful.

Bears.

Bucs at Seahawks (-6)

The Bucs couldn’t have been happy when the Schedule came out and they saw that their first five games were against Seattle, New Orleans, St. Louis, Carolina & Indy. The only people who like it rougher are the Panther cheerleaders. Honestly, unless aliens abducted Shaun Alexander, Matt Hasselbeck and Seattle’s ENTIRE starting defense, I don’t see any reason why they shouldn’t win this game.

Seahawks.

Giants at Cowboys (-6)

I don’t see any way the Giants can win this game. During the offseason they got a worse clone of Brandon Jacobs, in Ruben Droughns instead of actually replacing Tiki Barber. Their receivers aren’t that great and Steve Smith is a position receiver at best. Meanwhile, both Outside Linebacker positions are suspect with Mathais Kiwanuka and Kawika Mitchell (who?) starting. As much as it kills me, because I hate Dallas and Tony Romo more than I hate Veggie Burgers, I’ve got to give them the edge…a big one.

Cowboys (as much as it pains me).

Ravens at Bengals (-2.5)

The Ravens are without one of their best defensive players (no, not Stabby McGee) Adalius Thomas, and the rest of the defense now has to rely solely on Lewis & Ed Reed. That’s a pretty tall order for those two. Still, Billick knows a thing or two about coaching a defense…and surprisingly and offense too. They do however, have Willis McGahee and should have no problem running on the NFL’s Jail Blazers.

Ravens.

Cardinals at 49ers (-3)

A couple years ago, I would’ve rather spent my night drinking raw eggs left out in the sun with Ipecac chasers than watch this game. Now that Leinart is at the helm and has a year under his belt and the 49ers surprised a lot of people, me included, even winning 7 games; this game is actually going to be worth watching. I give the 49ers the edge because they’re home and their already decent defense got better with the addition of Nate Clements.

49ers.

Random Observations:

It’s gonna be kinda funny watching Joey Porter in a Dolphins uni.

Notre Dame is the greatest football team ever!! Ha!

Andy Roddick should just shake Federer’s hand before they even get started so he doesn’t have to take a beat down.

Just When You Thought it was Safe to Check Your E-mail…

2007-09-04T16:18:00.000-04:00

Just When You Thought it was Safe to Check Your E-mail…

The TMQB Rears it’s Ugly Head…Again

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Where to begin? It’s been god knows how long since my last post. Most of you, (read the three of you, who kept checking this site hoping I’d actually post again) have been greatly rewarded by your patience.

Although, honestly it’s almost football season & this is after all the Tuesday Morning QUARTERBACK; not Pitcher, Striker, Long-Stick-Middie or Coxswain. For starters though, I’m a little worried I’ve forgotten how to be funny kinda the way Lohan forgets to wear underpants. Okay, I know that was a cheap shot, but you’ve got to start small. I mean, you don’t stop riding your Trikey and then months later just jump on a Ducati 999.

We had a pretty busy Off-Season, and rather than try to cover everything that happened let’s just agree to gloss over it briefly shall we? In summation: the Bills still stink, the Dolphins somehow got worse, the Raiders have a 16 year old kid coaching the team, Eli Manning proved he has a charisma of a Bull Python that’s just eaten Volkswagen, no one thinks the Colts are going to repeat (which is fine with me, when they’re getting fitted with another ring), Mike Vick is a HUGE supporter of the ASPCA, and everyone except me has already handed over Super Bowl XLII to the Patriots.

Everyone seems to think the Bills are somehow a better team after they lost their best defensive player in Nate Clements. These are probably the same people who think Chad Pennington is actually a good QB or that Cato June is better off in Tampa Bay. Speaking of the Colts, even after winning a Super Bowl, they still get screwed out of respect like Paris Hilton at a MENSA convention.

The season kicks off Thursday night when the Colts host the Saints and start their title defense a few days early. I won’t even talk about this game, because you obviously know who I think is going to win…that’s the Colts, for any of you who haven’t been reading my little page the past couple years.

Rather than handicap this weekends games today, I’ll save that for Thursday or something. I know what you’re thinking, “Jesus, Elliott is going to promise to post something again and it’ll be another six years before we hear from him again!” Touché; however, I promise that this time it will be different. I will come through in the clutch; which is probably what Britney says every time she shoves that “last” Twinkie in her mouth. Oh, get your minds out of the gutter people…I’m talking about the actual food!

Random Observations:

I wonder if that guy Beansy still reads this thing…?

Did anyone happen to catch Venus Williams’ Fourth Round match against Ana Ivanovic? More pointedly, did anyone check out the chick sitting next to her sister? WOW! I mean, seriously, holy crap!

Gotta make Crazy George feel great when his team sweeps Boston and then drops two of three to the Devil Rays…Getting outscored 23-to-12 in the process.

Next Week:

The Texans start the post-David Carr era with thumping at the hands of the Chiefs.

The Lions-Raiders game will have lower ratings than the Season Finale of ABC’s The Nine.

Unsubstantiated Sports Rumor of the Week:

Brady Quinn was in the bathroom stall with Sen. Larry E. Craig?

UFC Dap Edition

2007-03-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

Grandfather Takes Lunch Money from Young Whippersnapper

UFC Dap Edition

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

We’ve had a pretty interesting weekend since my Top 20 Draft Prospects came out and an even more interesting week since the last installment of the TMQB. I’m sure most of you were hoping I was going to take this opportunity to crank out my Mock Draft, but it seems like a little bit of a cop out, not to mention; I just don’t feel like it right now…look for the Mock Draft later this week, probably getting written around the time that I’d normally be two-and-a-half sheets to the wind (about 9:15, p.m. or so) Thursday night.
So what has been going on the sports world that would divert me from my duty of making my Draft predictions? Well, for starters Dwyane Wade’s doctor must’ve swapped out the Miami Heat’s man-child saviors normal medication for a dislocated shoulder (ya’know, Vicodin, or an actual pain killer) Wade’s doctor seems to have prescribed Meth for his patient, who is now eager to make a return to the Heat this season. Now, I’m not going to doubt Mr. “Fall Down 7 Times, Get up 8,” but when I was wrestling in high school and dislocated (subluxed for those of you keeping score at home) my shoulder, I was pretty much useless after that. Then again, D-Wade is a World Class athlete who gets paid Millions of Dollars a year so he can pay trainers and conditioning coaches and afford to go see 4 different doctors until he pays for an opinion he likes. I had a coach who wanted me ready for New England’s and a school less interested in ordering an MRI than they were parading me in front of the rest of the student body as “yet another New England Qualifier!!!” Just for the record, I had a torn rotator cuff; but I’m not bitter, I swear. I also wish Wade a speedy recovery; although I think the Heat have about as much chance repeating as NBA Champs as I do scoring a double-date with Scarlett Johansson and Adriana Lima.
Aside from the Miami Heat and their suddenly crack addled Guard, UFC 68 was Saturday night; and while by all accounts it was pretty boring I was still super-geeked by the outcome. I went into this weekend pretty confident I wasn’t going to be writing about the UFC come Monday night, but then 43 year-old Randy “The Natural” Couture came out and decided he was going to put on a clinic against Tim “The Maine-iac” Sylvia a/k/a The Most Boring Fighter on the Planet. Couture, who had previously retired from the UFC after two straight defeats at the hands of Chuck Liddell, went up against Heavyweight Champ Sylvia; a man he was giving up nearly 40-pounds of weight and almost 7-inches in height to. Randy might’ve been the sentimental favorite because in some respects the Legend may have outgrown the man, the same way people hoped Michael Jackson would stay out stay out of jail last year…but no one believed it would really happen. Instead, Couture changed the complexion of the fight from the very first punch; which landed with the force of Katie Holmes’ realization that her life was over; that rocked Sylvia and sent him sprawling to the canvas. For the next twenty-four minutes the bigger Sylvia looked out of sorts and got pounded like a piece of veal waiting to be soaked in egg and breaded…then he tried to blame an injured back on his lackluster performance; which makes me wonder if his back has been injured his entire career.
Perhaps the most interesting thing to happen over the weekend was the start of NFL Free Agency, and with the salary cap being raised from last year it gave owners and GM’s the excuse to overpay middling players. Two examples that come to mind are the Cowboys signing an offensive lineman who didn’t even start…for the Cardinals! and the Rams giving an ungodly amount of money to the Titans number three receiver, Drew Bennett, to be their number three receiver. So aside from the crack-smokery of the Rams and Cowboys, the Patriots continued getting lucky for no reason picking up Ravens cast-off Adalius Thomas, while the Mummy a/k/a Brad Johnson signed with the Cowboys, has been with the organization less than 24 hours and is already trying to shake Tony Romo’s monkey tree. The Cowboys signed Johnson to be a “mentor” to Romo who still has not played a complete season and was showing signs of crappy towards the end of the year as his interceptions grew. Johnson however, has other ideas and wants to compete for, and apparently win, the starting job. We’ll have to stay abreast of these developments as Johnson continues to seemingly descend into madness.

Random Observations:
The Dolphins signed former Steelers Insane Linebacker, Joey Porter. When I understand why the Steelers let him go in the first place, I’ll be sure to tell you.
Stop the presses! Matsuzaka pitched three shutout innings…against the Marlins.

Next Week:
Friday, we roll out the TMQB’s 2007 NFL Mock Draft Spectacular.

Top 20 NFL Prospects

2007-03-01T23:53:00.000-05:00

Top Picks Jockey for Position…No One Wants to go to Glue Factory

Top 20 NFL Prospects

Friday, March 2, 2007

The one thing everyone seems to be able to agree on is that its virtually impossible to agree when it comes to ranking just about everything…unless of course you live in New York and haven’t been huffing glue your entire life, then you know the Yankees are the best. I am going to attempt to rank the top prospects available for April’s NFL Draft, starting with Number 20 and counting down to Number 1. I decided that the odds of my Top 32 all going in the First Round were slim to none. I also decided that I’d rather take up needlepoint than count down 40 college kids who are all going to end up getting paid lots of money to smoke dope, buy cars and occasionally play football. To that end, I’m counting down the Top 20 Prospects…as in the guys who are really good as of right now and should make an impact. When it comes time to doing my mock draft…well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

20) Jarvis Moss, DE, Florida: People have this guy all over the place, but the consensus is that he can play. Honestly, the guy is 6’6” 250 and can move. This draft looks like it could be DEEP with Defensive Linemen and he’s just one of a bunch of guys ready to make an impact.

19) Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC: At the beginning of the season, he might’ve been a Top 5 pick, but a lackluster season (Steve Smith was a better receiver for the Condoms) and what some folks might consider a chip on his shoulder has him sliding down draft boards faster than Christina Aguilera (Circa 2001) in a Men’s Room on the NJ Turnpike.

18) Leon Hall, CB, Michigan: The knock on most Secondary players in this draft aside from Landry is that either they’re fast but can’t cover guys or vice versa. Hall & Revis will both find their niche and although Hall was burned like a protesting Buddhist Monk against Ohio State he’s got good speed and should be able to get plugged in somewhere.

18) Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt: Only time will tell whether he’s a better pick than Reggie Nelson, but for my money, I’d take Nelson. I have a lot of doubts as to the level of competition in the Big East. No knocking Larry Fitzgerald, but a case could be made for his not being as dynamic as people expected him to be…not to mention, he’s a little soft.

16) Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska: Like I said, lots of D-Line talent in this draft. I’m not as big on this guy as everyone else is, but I have been known to be wrong.

15) Reggie Nelson, S, Florida: I like a lot of these Florida guys. I think they’re going to make decent players…and even though Urban Meyer and Alex Smith are making a liar out of me I have more respect for Florida football than I do for Utah football.

14) Paul Posluszny, OLB, Penn State: He is ranked much lower by people who get paid to do this. Still, he’s a Butkus Award winner and plays with a ton of heart. If people slurped PSU the way they do Nebraska they’d be saying he was the next A.J. Hawk.

13) Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal: The only thing people seem to agree on (for the most part) is that he’s the second best RB in this Draft, after that it gets pretty hazy. Is he too small? Is he not committed? Does he listen to John Mayer too much? You name it. He might do a little sliding come draft day, but look for the Panthers or Giants to give him a pretty serious look.

12) Levi Brown, OT, Penn State: I actually like him better than Joe Thomas. He’s not taller, but he’s more massive and less likely to be tossed around by the likes of Strahan, Freeney, et al.

11) Ted Ginn, Jr., WR, Ohio State: He’s still, by all accounts, a great WR. Not playing in the National Championship hurt him more than not doing anything at the Combine.

10) Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame: As far as I’m concerned, this spot is more generous than what the Academy did for Marty Scorsese on Sunday night.

9) Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas: He hasn’t really done a lot to lose his spot as the best D-End in the Draft, but Gaines Adams could be another Jevon Kearse and had an absolutely insane Combine (I’m only paying attention to Adams’ Shuttle Run and across the board scores, which were in the top three for all categories).

8) LaRon Landry, S, LSU: He might be the fastest guy in the draft (depending on which 40 time of Johnson’s you look at, or believe) and he’s got the ability to shut people down. Think of Bob Sanders and Ed Reed…Landry might be their baby.

7) Alan Branch, DT, Michigan: Some people are down on this guy, don’t ask me why. Aside from Okoye he’s one of the best interior D-Linemen available. Not to mention a beast at about 6’6” 320. This kid could plug big holes faster than Sigfreid…or is it Roy?

6) Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin: He’s big and strong and blah, blah, blah…I’m still not convinced that O-Linemen should ever be selected this high. See previous comment about swinging from dingleberries.

5) Amboi Okoye, DT, Louisville: This kid is only 19, which means he’s only going to get bigger and stronger. Scary thought considering he’s already about 6’2” and tips the scales at a muscular 310-pounds.

4) Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson: A lot of people have Joe Thomas in this spot, but I value defense more than offense. Remember the Ravens won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer and the Colts offense never showed up for the Playoffs…although it does kill me to have a Clemson guy ranked this high.

3) JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU: So what he showed up out of shape to the Combine, what was he doing there besides talking to scouts and taking the Wonderlic? He could slip if he’s not in shape by the time LSU’s Pro Day rolls around, otherwise he stays right where he is.

2) Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma: He is, by leaps and bounds, the best RB in the draft and a player who can not only change a game but change a team for the better for many seasons to come. Then again, he could end up being the Boz, but it’s doubtful.

1) Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech: There seems little doubt in anyone’s mind that Johnson is not the best overall player in this draft. He’s big, he’s strong and his very, very fast and unlike J.J. Stokes (another big, strong, fast guy) he can actually catch the football. If the Raiders already had a decent QB, he’d be the pick at Number 1.

So there you have it. My Top 20 available players in April’s Draft. Obviously, they’re not going in order like that and obviously I reserve the right to say that I was only kidding if any of these guys (I’m looking at you Brady) turn out to be complete lemons.

NFL Combine Wrap

2007-02-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

Quinn Tells Teams, “I Would Totally Draft Me!”

NFL Combine Wrap

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The NFL Combine is over and for the most part there were no real surprises, save Georgia Tech’s Calvin Johnson stating he wasn’t going to run the 40, then borrowing a buddy’s shoes to run an unofficial, but still blistering, 40 in 4.1 seconds. Did you miss that the first time? Four-Point-One-Seconds…Yeah. So aside from a guy riding on the back of a Cheetah and already improving upon his draft position (and Brady Quinn continuing to say stupid things) there were, as I said on Friday, no surprises…except I did read one jackass (who will remain nameless) who thinks Joe Thomas performed so well that the Raiders might take him with the first pick or some other team might trade up to number 1 to take him. Okay, before we start talking crazy-talk…or more pointedly, continue talking crazy-talk let’s remember recent Offensive Linemen selected in the First Round after impressive showings at the Combine who have since left their teams feeling disappointed and empty inside (kinda like how I felt after watching the Black Donnelley’s on Monday night): Mike Mamula and Robert Gallery, I'm looking at you. The main problem, as I see it, is that drafting a guy who is like 6’7” and 320-pounds of muscle and can bench press 245-pounds 80 times doesn’t tell you how good he’s going to be at stopping Dwight Freeney coming off the outside. A guy Joe Thomas’ size should be able to bench press a lot and since he’s young, should be able to not embarrass himself running the 40. But it's what he does on the field that matters, not when he's wearing Under Armour with visions of a "click-clack" commercial dancing in his head. Since it seems like a foregone conclusion that the Lions are drafting him, we’ll just have to wait and see how often John Kitna ends up looking at the roof of Ford Field. Last year the Lions were 29th in pass protection, giving up 63 sacks. By comparison, Baltimore (17), Indy (15) & Green Bay (24) didn’t give up 63 sacks combined! And just for the record, Indy gave up a League-low 15 sacks, which meant Peyton Manning was only sacked 3.1% of the time he dropped back to pass; Kitna on the other hand was sacked nearly 9% of the time. Indy was also the only team rated in the Top-5 for both pass protection and run blocking…that’s what you want in an offensive line!
So what does all of this mean for Joe Thomas and the scouts already swinging from his dingleberries? It means Thomas will probably find himself in Detroit, contemplating suicide by early-November. Although any time Matt Millen in involved with stocking a team with "talent," watch out. Seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me to see Millen waste the number 2 pick on Brady Quinn or Calvin Johnson, just you watch. Speaking of being surprised, I’m going to have to hand the Looks-Like-Tarzan-Plays-Like-Jane Award to someone…hmmm, gonna need a couple days to go over some Combine film to make that call.

Switching gears to the Boys of Summer, big news out of Red Sox camp this week as Diasuke Matsuzaka actually threw a baseball on US soil...with people watching! Early word out of Florida is that, yes, he can throw a baseball, wow. Now that the Red Sox have gotten that out of the way, let’s see how their $80 Million Dollar boy fares against hitters taller than 5’6” who weigh more than 147-pounds. The other big news is that Manny reported to camp early, which is only newsworthy because everyone just assumed Manny would be sleeping under his bed in a Northern Lights induced stupor until mid-March. So far, MLB has gotten off to an even more boring start than the Oscars…wake me the week before Opening Day.
Just when you thought the more interesting action on a basketball court was once again in college, the NBA comes out and tries to puff its chest out a little bit. This time, the crazy goings on come in the form of freak injuries; which befell Wisconsin big man, Brian Butch, via a dislocated elbow…ew. Not to be outdone, LA Clippers Guard, Shaun Livingston turned his knee into Spaghetti. I don’t mean to make fun of the guy and really I hope he has a speedy recovery, but just in case any of you sickos out there want to take a look: this is not for the faint of heart.

Random Observations:
What ever happened to Raul Mondesi?
The Indianapolis Colts haven’t even given up 63 sacks the last 3 seasons! 51, for those of you keeping score at home. They’ve also been ranked an average of 2nd in terms of run-blocking and pass protection over that time span.
Thinking about incorporating some UFC news into the TMQB…whether or not two dudes beating the crap out of each other qualifies as “sport” is debatable, but they’re definitely some pretty serious athletes; we’ll see.

Rulon Gardner should seriously just never leave the house. Although, with his luck he'd probably end up with an infected spider bite, then fall on a Steak knife trying to call a doctor...

Next Week:
More like Thursday or Friday; I count down my top 32 NFL Prospects.

NBA Trade Deadline Round Up

2007-02-23T10:43:00.000-05:00

NBA Finds New Way to Disappoint

NBA Trade Deadline Round Up

Friday, February 23, 2007

So the NBA trade deadline came and went without much fanfare…less fanfare than the opening of Cruel Intentions 2. Not only could you hear a pin drop at the trade deadline, but all the big names that were supposed to be changing uniforms: Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, possibly Kevin Garnett and Raja Bell (yeah, I know big name is a relative term) ended up staying put. What a tremendous disappointment. I know I would have liked to have seen Jason Kidd in a Lakers uni, or the Knicks give up two draft picks so Vince Carter could spend the next three months in orange and blue. I got on ESPN’s useless “Trade Machine” trying to swing a three way deal that would have sent KG and Andrew Bynum to the Nets, Vince to the Knicks and Kidd and Frye to the Lakers. Needless to say, I would’ve had better luck swinging a cinder block doubling as a tetherball.
Since we last got together the Tim Hardaway story came and went faster than Hardaway leaving Chelsea. In case you’ve been under a rock or stuck on the slide at Club USA, then you’d know that Timmy came out and said he hated gay people in the wake of former NBA player John Amaechi stating that he is gay in a new book. Timmy didn’t stop there however, he went on to say that he wouldn’t want Amaechi on his team and that if they were teammates he would distance himself from him and wouldn’t want to be in the locker room at the same time. Rather than give this story any more legs, lets just say Tim said a stupid thing that he’s going to end up paying for, for the foreseeable future.
In non-boring a/k/a non-NBA related news, pitchers and catchers reported to teams and wouldn’t you know it, the Yankees seem to be returning to their glory days (circa 1981 when every member of the team hated someone else, George was threatening to fire the fans, Utz Potato Chips were rampant and a hot dog only cost $2.75). ARod is in another hissy-fit, and I’m starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to ship him to parts unknown. Jeter is doing his best not to lay the smackdown on manicured former best friend, Bernie Williams is refusing to show up unless he is guaranteed a roster spot, Mariano Rivera is making contract demands when he knows full well the Yankees are going to pay him whatever he wants and the Boss is frighteningly silent. Suffice it to say, the Yankees have looked better going into a season and seem to be doing their best to compensate for what was a fairly quiet off-season, sans shipping Gary Sheffield and Randy Johnson out of town…two guys who never really were “Yankee guys” anyway. I never really wrote about the departure of Gary and Randy, but while I could care less where Randy Johnson, his bad back, knees, hip, temper and foot go; I actually like Gary Sheffield and always pulled for him to do well in a Yankee uniform. Truth be told, I’m more than a little apprehensive about Sheff showing up with the Tigers with a grudge. I’m sure, in the end, things will work themselves out and then Yanks will once again be working towards a Championship.
In NFL news, the Combine started this week in Indy, giving about 330 college kids the chance to showcase their skills in front of all 32 teams. The big news, of course, centers around which players can help themselves and which players can hurt themselves. Obviously, its easier for a little-known player to help himself, but more often than not, a highly touted player shows up, doesn’t have a good workout and all of a sudden people are questioning the work ethic of a 21-year old. Sometimes teams are off base, other times they can be right; like in the case of Maurice Clarett who showed up to the Combine fatter than Rosie O’Donnell and twice as surly. Before long, the potential 2nd Rounder was going in the 4th Round to Denver, followed by a stint at a Cleveland-area bar and an extended stay at Maximum Security Prison. I’m going to be breaking down the Draft in the coming weeks, because I get giddy for the April like the Taxman on the 14th. It doesn’t get much better than the beginning of baseball season and the NFL Draft. So far, the buzz at the Combine is that there really isn’t any buzz. Ted Ginn, Jr. isn’t going to run on his ankle, Brady Quinn thinks blowing leads and not winning a National Championship should get him selected first, and Wisconsin Guard Joe Thomas is a beast…but we knew all that already.

Random Observations:
Fresh off of his win in that kiddie tournament, Phat Phil blew a three stroke lead last weekend and then got bounced in the Second Round of the Accenture Match Play Championship, ha!
Seriously, without D-Wade the Miami Heat are screwed…screwed like Dreamgirls and the Best Picture nominations.
How can you have a mock draft or rate prospects until you see what kind of shape they show up to the Combine in?
Last month’s GQ article about Shawne Merriman made me sicker than a trip to Quizno’s.

Next Week:
I’m counting down my Top 32 Prospects, and will follow it up with my very own mock draft.
Mock draft aside, I will continue to mock Phil Mickelson.
Beansy might go three straight weeks without a shoutout…

Post-Everything Wrap Up

2007-02-14T16:33:00.000-05:00

Confused Writer Forgets Duty to Reader

Post-Everything Wrap Up

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s been almost an entire month since I last cranked out one of these bad boys and you guys sit there like hopped up bumps on logs and can’t even help a brutha out? A whole hell of a lot has happened since the last time I got one of these things going but for starters the Colts won the Super Bowl so sit on that one everyone who doubted me…or more pointedly Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. I was reading an article about the Colts run and where they rank among teams that have won Super Bowls and I’d have to say I think they’re pretty far up there. I don’t just say this as a Colts fan but because by all accounts the one part of their team they could count on all season didn’t really show up during the playoffs. Manning had more interceptions than he did touchdowns; Marvin Harrison (far and away the best active receiver in the League) was essentially a non-factor; and the offense which usually plays with a 14-point lead, spent most of the playoff run playing catch-up. What is worth mentioning though is my record throughout the Playoffs…10 – 1. Yeah, that’s right, ten wins and only one loss; that’s a better winning percentage than Coach Vagrant and the Cleft-Chinned Wonder. Of course if I was picking games like this during the regular season, I’d be in the black a few dozen Sawbucks. In fact, I was so confident the Colts would not only win, but cover the spread during the Super Bowl I decided to tease the line up from 6.5 to 10…suicide bet you say? Perhaps, but they covered didn’t they?
I should kick my own ass for not mentioning the fact that the Super Bowl showcased not one, but two black Head Coaches and that not only the outcome of the came was historic but the game itself. Lovie Smith beat Tony Dungy to the Super Bowl by about two hours but Dungy came out on top, beating his former student and hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy. In the wake of the Super Bowl, the Pro Bowl came and went with about as much fanfare as that new Mandy Moore lead-balloon vehicle “Because I Said So.” And it seems things got so bad, I couldn’t even tell you who won. If I had to wager a guess, I’d say the NFC because usually the NFC is upset from losing the game that matters the week before while most of the AFC players are more interested in getting tans, hitting on Suzy Kolber, and eating sushi.
So I’ve been a little remiss in my duties, but I promise to step it up a notch; hell, baseball season is around the corner…pitchers and catchers are reporting as I write this, and I’ve got a feeling the Yankees might actually make a serious run for number 27 this year. Stacking things up, the Yanks are in much better shape than their northern counterparts who are still sans a closer and paid more money to guys with less combined talent this off-season than the producers of Smokin’ Aces; Piven and Common notwithstanding. Pretty soon I’ll start to crank out my MLB Season Kick-Off Issue…I promise, no grand proclamations without delivering (a little like Rex Grossman, man I can’t believe I didn’t make a fool of him for saying he’d be happy when he, “would hoist the trophy and then hopefully hoist a couple more.”)
Since we’ve last gathered round, all of the teams in the NFL have gotten themselves new coaches and one team that I remember saying should’ve canned their coach, finally did. Marty Schottenheimer is finally out of a job in San Diego and while you gotta feel for the guy, he was also inept in delivering when it counted. What good is a 14 – 2 season when you lose your first game in the playoffs…AT HOME? If he couldn’t get a playoff victory out of the talent on that team last year, what assurance did Chargers GM, A.J. Smith, have that the trend was going to change? The thing that sucks for the Chargers is Oakland can’t stay bad forever and Denver should be better this year (at least on paper) which basically means the Chargers window is probably closing; Tomlinson or no Tomlinson. I mean, they still have “Lights Out” I’ve written about the dangers of playing with needles before…Early word out of sunny San Diego is that Smith has Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera at the top of his wish list; a list that also includes 49ers Assistant Head Coach Mike Singletary and Ravens Defensive Coordinator Rex Ryan.
The Cowboys performed an exhaustive search for a new coach after Tony Romo single-handedly ended Bill Parcells’ storied career when he accidentally rubbed his hands with Crisco instead of resin before taking that snap against Seattle. After floating stories they were going to hire Norv Turner (probably the biggest mistake Jerry Jones would’ve made since the Dave Campo fiasco…“The Player” notwithstanding); the Boys switched gears going Rooney Rule Crazy bringing in Singletary, Rivera and Colts Assistant Coach Jim Caldwell before settling on another also-ran coach in Wade Phillips. I’m sure Jerry will let Wade, or as I like to call him, Jabba, finish out his contract but I’d take 20 – 1 odds on his 3-year contract being renewed.

Next Week:
For starters let’s just crank out an issue and go from there.

Random Observations:
Phil Mickelson winning a Pro-Am is like Tiger winning an Amateur Championship. No one should be the least bit surprised...he’s the best guy in the field by a long shot.
I don’t understand why it took this long to fire Marty, why not after he broke Drew Brees last season?
Sadly, Matt Millen is still gainfully employed.
Charlie Weis is suing because he says they botched his gastric by-pass surgery? Duh, have you seen the guy?
Seriously, anyone know who won the Pro Bowl?

Divisional Round, Round Up

2007-01-16T12:22:00.000-05:00

Tomlinson Throws Tantrum as Bolts Blow 8-Point 4th Quarter Lead, Blame Everyone but Themselves

Divisional Round, Round Up

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Well, for the second week in a row I won more games than I lost; although there was no going undefeated this weekend. The Eagles couldn’t oblige and hold onto their halftime lead. Aside from that bump in the road I correctly picked the Colts, Patriots and Bears…feel free to check with Beansy for confirmation. Beansy’s been in Boston for a week giving me updates on the stupidity of our northern brethren, looseness of our northern cousins, and free flow of their northern booze. Despite my urging, a trip to the Cask n’ Flagon was not in the cards for Beansy, but I’m pretty sure he did run into some other wonderful Boston stereotypes. On to the games…
No one outside of Indianapolis, save myself and maybe a handful of people in Boston, picked the Colts to beat the Ravens this weekend; let alone wanted them too. Bob Sanders and the rest of the Colts defense didn’t seem to mind though, as they went into Baltimore and held the Ravens to 6-points. Now, I know the Ravens don’t exactly have the most potent offense out there but we all know that having Steve McNair over Kyle Boller is like having 1986 Mercedes over a brand new moped. The moped probably won’t get you there, but if it does everyone will make fun of you; the Benz will get the job done even if its 20-years old and starting to rust. So what if Peyton Manning threw 2 interceptions. So what if Vinatieri had to kick 5 field goals, its more than Stover kicked. I honestly came close to having a coronary when I looked at the halftime score and saw the Colts were not only winning, but had held the Ravens to 3-points. Bob Sanders makes this defense stouter than Sam Adams. His mere presence makes the Colts a better team and their defense (through two, count ‘em two, games) has given up 14 total points, and less than 140 total rushing yards. Those are pretty impressive numbers and if anyone out there thinks the Colts aren’t super-geeked about hosting (for a change) the Pats in the playoffs.
The Pats did what they were supposed to do in order to meet the Colts, beating the Chargers in San Diego. The Chargers and their coach Marty Schottenheimer lost, again, in the playoffs mainly because they weren’t the better team. I’m pretty sure I mentioned something about the Chargers being soft earlier this season. I’m pretty sure I mentioned something about the Chargers playing crappy teams for most of the season and catching some lucky breaks. All of that gets thrown out the window when you’re in the playoffs and you’re playing the Patriots. The only team I think can withstand this, would of course be the Colts who I think want nothing more than to play the Pats in Indy in the playoffs to prove they can get it done when the shoe’s on the other foot. Meanwhile, everyone is talking about whether Marty is going to lose his job after the Chargers latest playoff collapse or if they’ll keep him around for a few more seasons. Personally, I would’ve fired Marty after last season when he blew a chance to get into the playoffs and then destroyed my starting quarterback’s shoulder in a meaningless game. But hey, that’s just me. When the game was over and the Pats had done what they do, eek out a playoff win and the Chargers had done what they do, blow a playoff game, some of the Patriots players started doing Shawne Merriman a/k/a Captain Competitive Edge’s dance at mid-field. LaDainian Tomlinson, in his infinite wisdom, in front of about 200 television cameras all broadcasting live; figured it was the perfect time to go after and attempt to beat up those dancing members of the Patriots. Suffice it to say, Tomlinson didn’t reach his objective but did spout off at the mouth in great detail about the Patriots, their lack of class and the possibility that all of this stems from their head coach. Wow! I know everyone talks about how classy Tomlinson is, but I didn’t realize he had an advanced degree in Psychology as well! C’mon, that’s plain as day for anyone to see. We all know that Bill Belichick isn’t a classy guy, just look at the non-handshake shake of Eric Mangini or the photographer toss or the refusing to call Mangini by name. Hell, look at Charlie Weis. That Big Mac munching, big game blowing hack is right off the Belichick tree and is about as classless as they come. I saw whatever, as the Chargers spend another off season pondering what might’ve been, the Patriots get ready to head to Indianapolis.
The NFC games weren’t as interesting and that’s why I’ve spent most of my time on the AFC. The Saints and Eagles played on Saturday night to a fairly by the book 27 – 24 New Orleans win; the exact same score the two teams had when they played earlier this season. The Eagles took a 1-point lead in at halftime but couldn’t contain the Saints in the 3rd Quarter giving up 14-points. The Area of Good Feelings continues for New Orleans and after everything that city has gone through I honestly don’t think there are too many people who would be upset if the Saints made it to the Super Bowl. I’m sure Wilma McNabb was secretly happy the Eagles lost so she can go back to serving up fresh bowls of Chunky Soup and clapping for her baby. The Saints now get to go to Chicago who managed to beat the Seahawks who played a sloppier game than a bunch of blindfolded rugby players. The Bears defense sort of wore down the Seahawks offense, but Seattle pretty much ran at will against Chicago and so far they look like the defense that might be in trouble; especially when Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister come to town. The Bears playing at home is huge for them, but Rex Grossman is a bigger liability than bringing a pedophile to Disney World, sooner or later something bad is gonna happen. I think Lovie Smith and the Bears are just hoping that when that thing does go wrong, that no one notices.
So our Conference Championship games are set. Patriots at Colts and Saints at Bears. I’m 7 – 1 picking playoff games so far this year and have a good feeling about this Sunday. If you know me, or if you’re Beansy, you know who I like; otherwise you’ll have to wait for Friday like everyone else.

Random Observations:
Gilbert Arenas is unconscious this season…unconscious!
Apparently Roger Clemens secretly tested positive for more than a little “Lights Out” if he’s seriously thinking about signing with Boston.
Tomlinson took a pretty serious shot at the Patriots and while everyone is making a fairly big deal about it, Belichick hasn’t said one word on the subject, hmm.

Next Week:
Super Bowl preparations start and two very lucky teams get to battle over the 32nd pick in the 2007 NFL Draft.
We get one week closer to pitchers and catchers.
The Raiders still won’t have a coach.

TMQB Birthday Round Up

2007-01-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

Even on Birthday, Contentious Writer Finds Time to Amuse

TMQB Birthday Round Up

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Well another week has passed and I took the show on the road once more; this time so quickly that I didn’t have a chance to post last Thursday’s Playoff Predictions; in which I correctly picked the Colts, Pats, Eagles and Seahawks. Granted, it’s a whole lot easier when the games have already been played but go ahead and ask my bookie (kidding) he’ll tell you I had all the games right.
Speaking of bookies, I was talking to Freddy Beans the other day asking him how he felt about Eli Manning acting like a one-man wrecking crew with the coaching career of Tom Coughlin and the legacy of Tiki Barber. I couldn’t quite make it out over the gurgling and whimpering but I’m pretty sure Beansy said he hopes JR falls to the Giants; if he didn’t say that then I’m putting words in his mouth, but I’m sure he will say that come March.
Big news in sports this Tuesday afternoon has got to be the tubthumping Florida laid on Ohio State last night. I, like everyone else even the most diehard Gator fans, probably thought that if the Gators had any chance at victory it was in a close game, probably decided by their usually inept kicker. I was sure that if the game got out of hand it would have done so in the Buckeyes favor. Instead, Ted Ginn Jr. ran back the opening kickoff 93 yards and then never touched the ball again. The Gators responded, with a healthy kickoff return of their own before Chris Leak drove Florida down the field going 6-for-6 on his opening drive. After that, it was pretty much all Gators. To cap it all off, we got a sprinkling of some crying Buckeye fans, women in red and white still cheering for a score with their team down by 27 with less than 10 minutes to play, and about every cliché FOX commentators could throw at you for Chris Leak finally getting the monkey off his back…see, there I go again. Whether the Buckeyes and the rest of the Big 10 got too much credit and the Florida and the rest of the SEC didn’t get enough, when it was settled on the field, not even all the talk of a 50-day lay off can erase a 41 – 14 trouncing. Then to add insult to injury, Florida defensive end Jarvis Moss (apparently one of about 300 guys named Moss who play football in the state of Florida) comes out and says there are probably “four or five other teams in the SEC that could probably compete” with Ohio State…wow, talk about a pimp slap when you’re already down. But honestly, looking at the way LSU handled Notre Dame does anyone out there think the result would be any different if the Buckeyes had played the Bayou Bengals?
And still the debate rages on; some jackass, I’m looking at you Chris Petersen, gave Boise State a first place vote all because they beat Oklahoma and finished the season undefeated. I’ve got news for you, outside of Oregon State (who didn’t really have a good season) Boise State didn’t beat anyone of note. A quick look at their schedule shows wins over football juggernauts the likes of: Sacramento State, Louisiana Tech, New Mexico State, Idaho, San Jose State, Utah State and Nevada. Now, I’m no BCS expert, but I’m pretty comfortable having OSU, LSU & USC all ranked ahead of Boise State even though the Blue Mustangs, or whatever the hell they call themselves, are undefeated. Seems to me that the only way we put a stop to this foolishness, once and for all, is to have a playoff. Having a 10 or an 8-team Playoff will settle the debate. If you’re good enough to make it into the BCS Top Ten and play away games at the higher seeded teams home field through the first two rounds until the Semi-Finals, then no one can say anything about how tough, or otherwise, of a schedule you played during the regular season. In a playoff, Boise State would have traveled to Norman for their opening round game against the Sooners and I’m just guessing the outcome would’ve been a little different.
Switching gears to the pro game for a moment, we should point out that Falcons owner Arthur Blank seems to not like his money very much, seeing as that’s the only reason he gave $24 Million Dollars to former Louisville Coach Bobby Petrino. Petrino joins the long list of disingenuous coaches who sign for big money one place, say all the right things, glad-hand the right people, and then leave the moment the “right fit” (read bigger money) comes along. The bottom line in Atlanta is that the only coach able to at least do something with Michael Vick was Dan Reeves and rather than try to coax him out of retirement, or go after one of the myriad of deserving assistant coaches out there, Russ Grimm, Ken Whisenhunt, Jim Caldwell, Mike Singletry and Ron Rivera among them, Blank throws more money at yet another college coach. Over the past few seasons, college coaches have had more success getting a free Meatloaf sandwich at Arby’s than getting victories in the NFL. Pete Carroll, Steve Spurrier and Nick Saban all had less than pleasant pro experiences and all found themselves back in college before too long. That’s why my advice to Wayne Huizenga is to leave Pete Carroll right where he is in LA and get a coach who can actually help you win games. Carroll has already shown he’s ill equipped for dealing with the egos and demands of pro players, not to mention attempting to face an off-season that in many respects is tougher than the regular season. In all likelihood Big Wayne will throw a bunch of money Pete’s way and if Pete is smart enough he’ll leave that money in Miami and keep trying to win National Championships with USC. There are a couple other coaching vacancies, and none more attractive than the Pittsburgh Steelers job. The problem there is the Rooney family doesn’t appear too interested in rocking the boat or making any large sudden movements. As a result, I’d be very surprised if the aforementioned Grimm or Whisenhunt didn’t end up as the new coach of that team. With the Steelers taken care of that leaves the Arizona Cardinals and Oakland Raiders jobs…the kind of jobs you’d rather clean up whale vomit than take. The Cardinals, must be cursed because if Dennis Green and all of his experience with the talent they had on that team couldn’t win, I’m not sure any coach can. Oakland the other hand is a complete shitshow; Al Davis is running around with his walker threatening to rough up writers, no one on the team seems to want to be there very much and Art Shell was canned again, this time after only one season. If Davis were younger I’d be hoping for some Billy Martin-style theatrics from the Raiders but this team is in complete disarray and you probably couldn’t even get Mike Tice to take this job.

Random Observations:
It’s Tuesday afternoon and Tom Coughlin is still the Giants Head Coach. Anyone else see something wrong with this?
If I were Norm Chow, I’d bide my time in Tennessee. Being an assistant coach in Tennessee and getting to coach Vince Young is preferable to being Head Coach in Arizona, no matter if Matt Leinart gets thrown in the deal or not.
Drafting Brady Quinn will probably set the Raiders back another 6 years…you know Al likes those kind of odds.

Next Week:
Another college coach will become the soon-to-be-ex coach of the Cardinals.
I know it’s only January, but pitchers and catchers have to report soon.
Al Davis asks John Madden to think about returning to the team.

Saban Already Planning to Leave Alabama for Even More Money

2007-01-03T02:11:00.000-05:00

Saban Already Planning to Leave Alabama Even More Money

TMQB New Year Kick-Off Special

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

I hate the fact that it seems like I do this too often, but before we get started, I’d like to extend my heartfelt condolences to the family of Darrent Williams and the entire Denver Broncos Organization. The 24-year old cornerback was shot and killed during a drive-by shooting after leaving a New Year’s Eve Party. As much fun as make of Broncos coach Mike Shanahan for his mannerisms on the sidelines; no team, whether making it to the playoffs or not, should have to start the New Year losing a teammate like this.

Staying with the NFL, the season wrapped up this weekend and it wasn’t until the very same Broncos lost to the San Francisco 49ers late Sunday afternoon that the Playoff picture came completely into focus. Denver’s loss, coupled with the losses of Tennessee to New England and Cincinnati to Pittsburgh sent Kansas City backing their way into the 6th and final playoff spot; just don’t tell that to Herman Edwards. Herm’s old team, the New York Jets, are also back in the Playoffs in their first season with Dennis the Menace at the helm, but figure to be one and done against the Patriots. All this playoff chatter is distracting though, seeing as I’m saving my Playoff Special for tomorrow.
The Cardinals and Falcons both lost (each by 7-points) and the teams coaches each got great New Year’s gifts in the form of pink slips. Both firing are somewhat surprising, Cardinals Coach, Dennis Green, was originally given a vote of confidence but the Cardinals lost many close games and blew leads which doesn’t endear any coach to his employers. On the other side, Jim Mora’s spouting off at the mouth about a job he’d like to have probably did him in; that and the 3-game losing streak Atlanta went on to close out the season. Had the Falcons finished 9 – 7 (winning only two of their last three games) they’d be in the Playoffs while the Giants would be sitting at home and Tom Coughlin would probably be the one collecting Coaching Severance in the form of a multi-million Dollar buy-out. Don’t sleep on Coughlin for too long though, I’d estimate the Giants need to win two games in the Playoffs in order for him to be standing on the Giants sideline come next September. Making the Playoffs is a great feat but when you have to do it backing in, after losing 6 of your last 8 games it doesn’t instill a great deal of confidence in ownership.
Other coaches who could be on the chopping block are rumored to be Raiders and Browns Coaches, Art Shell and Romeo Crennel, respectively. Crennel’s job appears to be safe after he met with management to discuss things that need changing and then in an interesting twist, Brady Quinn (who should be keeping his mouth shut and preparing to get his ass handed to him by LSU) came out and said he’d like to play for the Browns next season. I’m thinking Brady can help the Browns get him by throwing about 4 interceptions during the Sugar Bowl or convincing the Raiders, Lions and possibly Bucs to all trade their picks or refusing to play for them ala Elway and Eli. Just one note to the Browns who I have no doubt would bet the farm on hometown Brady…see Eli Manning and 2 – 6 record of Giants over second half of 2006 Season.
Speaking of teams that appear to be in a tailspin and are going to be hamstrung, Wayne Huizenga sounds like a man who know the end is near and Nick Saban sounds like a man about to leave the Miami Dolphins holding their figs out in the cold. Saban, who only took the job last year and has obvious opportunities to grow the franchise seems like so much of a lock to be coaching in Alabama next college football season that I’m saying right here and now (at 1:50, a.m. EST) that Nick Saban will be the next Head Football Coach at the University of Alabama. I suppose the reported $40 Million Dollars they are waving in his face would be hard to turn down, but what about the owners of the 32 teams in the NFL, none of whom would ever give you another shot at coaching in the pros again? For me, I’d rather coach at the highest level and last time I checked, players left college and went to the NFL, not the other way around. Losing Saban after two seasons would absolutely screw the Dolphins who appear to be a healthy QB away from making a run at the AFC East title.

Next Week:
Shawne Merriman better pack his needles (for extracting DNA from fossilized mosquitoes, of course) when he and the Chargers head to the stadium to play the Patriots.

Random Observations:
Is it me, or does FOX have the absolute worst commentary and play-by-play for college football in the business? Honestly, watching the end of the Orange Bowl was like amateur hour.
Absolutely crazy finish in the Fiesta Bowl on Monday night. With the 22-points scored in 90 seconds, the two trick plays, the brass ones to go for 2 on in the first OT, throwing the game ball that should be in a trophy case into the stands and then proposing to your head-cheerleader girlfriend when it’s all said and done.

20 Most Hated People in Sports – 2006 Edition

2006-12-21T17:48:00.000-05:00

People Dislike Althletes, Fans Shocked

20 Most Hated People in Sports – 2006 Edition

Thursday, December 21, 2006

This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Hell, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I am adding one little stipulation to my list, which is that I am adding a few people associated with sports, not just Athletes. It’s time for me to count down my 20 Most Hated People in Sports – 2006. Before we get started I should apologize to guys like Ty Cobb and Michael Irvin; but I’m trying to keep the list current. So without further adieu, here we go.

20) Stephon Marbury: Somebody’s gotta be # 20. Stop sulking and play like we know you can.
19) Scott Boras: You are everything that is wrong with professional sports.
18) Jeremy Shockey: I want to like this guy, I really do; but it seems like Shockey spends more time spouting off at the mouth than he does coming up big when the Giants need him.*
17) George Karl: Everyone knows you were trying to stick it to Isiah Thomas by having J.R. Reed & Melo still in the game, but by 19 with 90 seconds to play. Why don’t you call him a piece of shit again, that was really classy. The NBA gets honorable mention here for not fining Karl in this situation. In MLB or the NFL, Karl probably would have to watch his team’s games at home for a few days and forfeit a game check.
16) Peter Angelos: Amazing how one bull headed man can hamstring an entire franchise. For further insight, see the work of George Steinbrenner circa 1982 – 1993.
15) Drew Rosenhaus: See # 19.
14) Kobe Bryant: I stood up for Kobe a few years ago during the “unpleasantness” in Colorado, but every time he scores some good guy points, he has to make comments like he made about Gilbert Arenas the other night. Kobe, you are not allowed to talk about anyone else hogging the ball. You’re just not allowed.
13) Adam Morrison: That dirty mustache? The unnecessary bravado? The totally insane on-court behavior? The hype machine working so hard the wheels feel off during the Elite Eight? And what has Captain Crazy done since getting to Charlotte? Oh yeah that’s right, nothing.
12) Pedro Martinez: Just because he pitches for the Mets now doesn’t change the fact that he headhunted Jorge Posada and tossed Don Zimmer to the ground like a sack of moldy potatoes.
11) Lleyton Hewitt: Weird, I know, but I still haven’t gotten over his comments about James Blake at the US Open. At least Ty Cobb will have another racist to hang out with when they’re both in hell. Not to mention, he is one cocky little pri#k.
10) Jim Mora(Jr.): Here’s a guy who should’ve never had this job to begin with. He was a defensive coordinator for a bad 49ers team, hired to solve the Michael Vick problem. Mora took Dan Reeves table scraps to an 11 – 5 record his first season, went 8 – 8 the second, and it looks like another .500 season isn’t far behind. Oh, and Mike Vick? Yeah, he still doesn’t know how to play QB. Not to mention, joke or not, who lobbies for another coach’s job when the guy is still employed?
9) Todd Bertuzzi: The biggest thug in a sport full of them. This guy broke Steve Moore’s neck, was silent for over a year, then attempted to apologize; all while displaying faux remorse. Worst part is, he’s still allowed to play hockey while Moore will most likely never play hockey again.
8) Tony Romo: Seriously dude, this is the last time I’m going to say this…at least until Sunday or so. Wipe that ridiculous grin off your face and Show. Me. Something! Show me something against an actual secondary and learn to throw a ball further than 15 yards. Shows you the sorry state of affairs when a guy with 16 TD’s and 10 INT’s makes it to the Pro Bowl.
7) A. J. Pierzynski: All this guy does is run his mouth. I don’t even think White Sox fans were pissed when Michael Barrett leveled “Dr. P” back in July.
6) Shawne Merriman: Hey, he’s a cheater. He’s got to go on the list. He also has no business going to the Pro Bowl. What about the guy who’s numbers are slightly worse who he beat out, how does he feel? It’s just not right.
5) Curt Schilling: Schilling is another one who never shuts up. He’s got an opinion on everything and he doesn’t care whether you want to hear it or not, he’s going to let you know what’s on his mind. Mark my words, this guy is going to fight Karl Malone to see who becomes the next spokesman for the NRA.
4) Matt Millen: How is this man still employed? HOW?!?!!?! Since taking over the team in 2001 the Lions have gone an anemic 23 – 71. He makes horrible decisions, drafts players using a dartboard (at best) and the teams own fans don’t want him there. The Ford family answers these charges by giving Millen an extension. Honestly, the guy could drive to work in a Datsun and they’d keep him around.
3) Phil Mickelson: All this chubby bastard does is sulk when he’s not in contention and pouted his way through the end of last season after his MAMMOTH collapse at the US Open. Hey jerk, how about being gracious in defeat? How about not talking shit about Tiger every chance you get? How about doing a sit-up every now and then?
2) Terrell Owens: This was a tough one, since I could’ve easily put Fat Phil here, but in the end as much of a douchebag as Mickelson is, TO always outdoes himself in the jackass category. Oh yeah, stop having Jerry Jones leak information about your injured finger and catch the balls thrown to you. If you need help, there’s plenty of video on Marvin Harrison out there; a guy who catches the balls thrown to him and has gotten to 1,000 catches almost an entire season faster than Jerry Rice did.
1) David Ortiz: Oh c’mon, was there any doubt in your mind that the person coming in at Number 1 was not going to be a member of the Red Sox?

My advice to anyone in the bottom 10 (11 – 20) would be to start playing nice so you can make your way off the list. My advice to those in the top 10…hit a soup kitchen pronto.

* If Eli Manning didn’t act like a mute all the time, he’d probably take Jeremy’s place on this list.

Wednesday Morning Quarterback Special

2006-12-20T10:57:00.000-05:00

Haters Ruin Otherwise Enjoyable Season

Wednesday Morning Quarterback Special

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Well, it only took about a month, but the Philadelphia 76ers, who haven’t won a game since the Regan Administration, finally traded Allen Iverson to the soon to be struggling Denver Nuggets. Soon to be struggling you ask? Yes, AI is a great addition to any team, but the guy has been hanging out with Coolio for the past month, there’s no way he’s going to be in playing shape until the New Year, at the earliest. But you know what, I realized something when I was writing this piece. I was hating on Allen Iverson, and the 76ers, and the Nuggets; but if I don’t hate on things who would? Honestly, lots of other people are just as interested, if not more so, in hating as I am, just ask Perez Hilton. This isn’t new, there are haters everywhere and today I’m going to discuss some things that I’m less than thrilled with, starting with football.
Haters have been running around the NFL with reckless abandon this season and just because we’re getting down to the wire in both the AFC and NFC (I think every team in the NFC is mathematically still alive for the playoffs except the Bucs). TO is spitting at people; Vince Young has been winning games and barely getting credit outside of Nashville and Houston; people were writing off the Colts after a tough 4-week stretch; Tom Brady dumped on his O-Line then got dumped himself; more Bengals got arrested; Matt Leinart threw Denis Green under the bus faster than Fed-Ex released rumors of his sex tape; Jim Mora, Jr. popped off at the mouth again, although that’s nothing new and Al Davis stopped feasting on the blood of innocents. Yeah, it’s been an interesting few months in the NFL and just knowing that there are still 2 more weeks left in the regular season makes me happy…and not just “happy” but happy like a 6-year old kid with chocolate cake all over his face.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has certainly been a busy man since taking over for Paul Tagliabue suspending and fining players with the abandon of a young David Stern. However, Rog isn’t limiting himself to just players, recently fining the Detroit Lions nude and drunk driving defensive line coach, Joe Cullen, $20,000 and suspending him for one game. All of this apparently started on August 24, when Joe decided that even though he was naked he really needed a Big Mac; so he went through the drive-through window, sans clothes; which must’ve been pretty funny when the cops showed up. “Sir, take your hands off the Breakfast Burrito and get out of the car…”
Pro Bowl selections were announced last night and although a guy who is certain not to play (Tommie Harris) was selected as a starter, another guy who’s only played the last 8 weeks was selected: Tony Romo. Now, I’ve made no secret of my hating on Tony Romo since he took over for the Stone-Footed One, but c’mon man, sending him to the Pro Bowl is like sending a guy to the MLB All Star Game who misses April and May, but has a really big June. I know the Cowboys are 6-and-8 with him at the helm, but the Titans are 7-and-2 with Vince Young as QB and I don’t see him getting a nod. Oh, it’s a numbers thing is it? Well Donovan McNabb, who has been injured for the past 4 weeks is still 3rd in the NFC in passer rating, has more yards passing than Romo and has a higher TD-to-INT Ratio (18-to-6 versus 16-to-10). I’ll tell you what I’m looking forward to is Christmas. Forget the presents, my present is going to be watching Jeremiah Trotter and Brian Dawkins treating Little Tony like their own personal hand puppet. Hey Tony, you want me to stop treating you like the statue to my pigeon? Show me something…show me something against a team that actually has a secondary.
While we’re on the subject of people smoking crack and then making sweeping generalizations about football players, can anyone explain what Jaws and the rest of the NFL Countdown crew have been huffing when they talk about how wonderful J.P. Losman is playing? Sure, he’s the 9th rated passer in the League (QB Rating: 88.5) but I can name at least 6 other QB’s I’d rather have on my team ahead of the Losmantacular Bayou Boy. Tom Brady, Steve McNair, Matt Hasselbeck, and these next 3 might blow your mind; Matt Leinart, Vince Young & Alex Smith. One more thing about our boy J.P., if the Bills were in the NFC, based on “numbers alone” he’d be in the Pro Bowl instead of Tony Romo. Actually, about half the AFC's QB's would be heading to Hawaii instead of Lil' Tony.
One thing I’d like to add is what business does Shawn Merriman have going to the Pro Bowl? Correct me if I’m wrong, but the guy has only played in 10 games this season and while some other players are on their way to the Pro Bowl not having played a full season, I’m pretty sure he’s the only one who decided to supplement his Creatine Powder with a little something extra. The guy not only served a 4-game suspension for steroids but also apologized; but not before he attempted to appeal. What, pray tell, are you apologizing for if you’re going to serve the suspension anyway? Last time I check, the only people who apologize for something are those people who’ve done something wrong. Seriously, what kind of message is the NFL sending when they send a Juicer to the Pro Bowl? That it’s okay to do steroids, just make sure you have a really “lights out” season? I don’t care if Merriman’s numbers are amazing having played in 4 less games than most of the other linebackers in the League. What I do care about is none of the other linebackers making travel arraignments for Hawaii have tested positive for steroids. Say what you will about Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire, but for all of McGuire’s evasiveness and Bonds’ grandstanding neither one of them has actually tested positive for steroids; that we know of. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think Merriman should get a free pass just because hey plays a sport with pads.

So now that I’ve gone on that little rant am I going to stop hating on teams and players? Not likely. What I’m probably going to do is start being more critical of the guys I’m hating on to see if they can get themselves off the soon-to-be-dreaded Most Hated Athlete List. From taking a quick look at some of my writing, it shouldn’t be tough to pick out the Top 10, but I’ll do you one better. Tomorrow, I will count down my 20 Most Hated Athletes and who knows, I might even give reasons why.

Random Observations:
Don't think I've forgotten about this weeks biggest hater. George Karl, come on down and take a bow.

Post-Hiatus NFL Wrap Up

2006-12-19T01:13:00.000-05:00

According to Sportscasters, Romo to be Named MVP Any Day Now

Post-Hiatus NFL Wrap Up

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve tackled the issues of the day here at the TMQB, but I’m back with renewed vigor; or maybe just a hangover from not having written in so long; and am ready to get back to it. My first order of business is to declare the New York Giants and Carolina Panthers the worst teams in the NFL…the Cardinals, Lions, Jaguars (more on them later), Texans and Vikings notwithstanding. I have officially lost all respect for Eli “The Bad One” Manning, Tom “I should just step down now, shouldn’t I?” Coughlin, and most of the rest of the Giants brain trust; as well as who ever is attempting to run the show down in Raleigh-Durham. Seriously, any team that is fighting for their playoff lives, and is playing at home, and is controlling their own destiny has no business losing. At least the Giants can say the Eagles are fighting for a playoff spot as well, or blame Eli, that seems to be the thing to do these days; but what’s the Panthers excuse? What are the Steelers playing for; a slightly worse draft pick? I was so upset watching the Giants I became more disinterested than Al Michaels sounds reading promos during commercial breaks on Sunday Night Football.
Speaking of Sunday Night Football, is everyone in the Junior Circuit trying to hand San Diego the AFC Title so Rivers can square off against Brees? I mean, Jesus, Philip Rivers was something like 6-of-20 passing midway through the 3rd Quarter and the Chiefs were only able to muster a measly 2 field goals at that point. In their defense, the Chiefs did get the Joan Collins Special on a blocked punt that clearly went off a defenders hand, then crossed the line of scrimmage, before being touched by another defender and finally “recovered” by the Chargers. I don’t want to start making proclamations like this, especially because I’d rather eat at a Long Island-area Taco Bell than watch the Chargers in the Super Bowl, but that play could be this year’s tuck rule. That one play would’ve given the Chiefs the ball on the Chargers 12 and although they probably would’ve pissed away the opportunity to score a TD, the score would’ve been 7-to-6 Chargers (had KC kicked a field goal) instead of 14-to-3 Chargers after Tomlinson broke the run he did on the very next play. I mean, c’mon NFL, Lamar Hunt just passed away and the Chargers were going to get into the playoffs anyway after amassing 11 wins over tough competition like the Raiders, 49ers, Browns, Broncos and Bills; throw the Chiefs a f-ing bone. When it was all said and done, the Chargers beat the Chiefs 20 – 9 further pissing me off the spread didn’t go to 11.5 on that game.
The rest of Sunday was equally disappointing, mainly because the teams I picked to cover couldn’t get their shit together and made for a not so enjoyable afternoon (Read: one filled with heavy drinking and sailor-like cursing.) The Bears, who managed to open up a 20-point lead on the Bucs, comfortably covering by the way, let Tim “I was a Rodeo Cowboys Backup” Ratty throw for 3 TD’s in the second half and needed overtime and 2 field goal attempts to win. Meanwhile, the Vikings whose one saving grace had been their running game, left crap all over the sheets playing the same Jets team that was embarrassed by the Bills last week. By the way, the Vikings didn’t just lose, they were being shellacked in the first half and things got so bad Brad Childress had to pull Brad Johnson in favor of Tavaris Jackson. Just a word of advice to the current Vikes coach, who incidentally seems more clueless than Mike Tice: when you replace your starter with a rookie who seems to have a hot hand, don’t replace said hot-handed rookie with crappy playing veteran in the following game. I’m not saying the Vikings would’ve won if Jackson had started but c’mon, even the guys on the team don’t want Johnson starting. If that doesn’t tell Childress something, nothing will.
If that wasn’t enough, I had to sit and watch Miami lay a goose egg up in Buffalo; giving false hope to those goofy, hockey-loving Canadians with US passports. Not only did the Bills officially knock the Dolphins out of playoff contention (something we all knew was inevitable anyway, since it seems any Saban-coached Miami team is guaranteed to lose at least 6 of its first 8 games); but I had to listen to Jaws talking about the “emergence” of J.P. Losman as a good QB in this League. Yeah Jaws, you know who else played lights out football this week? Eli Manning and David Carr…please. This is the same guy who dumped all over Vince Young and was ready to name Jay Cutler Rookie of the Year before even taking a snap. Kinda like FOXNews, can’t accuse Jaws of not being fair and balanced…
The one bright spot of football came Monday night when the Colts Defense, which apparently has not been traveling with the team to games, showed up this week in Indy and held the Bengals to 16-points, their second-lowest total of the season. Carson Palmer was also held to his lowest output since the start of the season, while Rudi Johnson rushed for only 79 yards. Things are starting to look up for Indy, but the real test will be these next two weeks when they go on the road to Houston and then host Miami to close out the season. 2 more wins would mean, at the worst, 2nd seed in the Playoffs and the confidence to actually win a game in January.

Random Observations:
TO is appealing the $35,000 suspension he got from the League for spitting in the face of DeAngelo Hall? Hey jackass, didn’t you admit to spitting in his face? Just do some more sit-ups in your driveway, refuse to directly answer more questions and pay the damn fine.
God, I still can’t get over the Giants. The Eagles were literally giving the Giants opportunities to win that game, and nothing…absolutely nothing! Terrible.
Am I the only one who thinks the 15-game suspension of the Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony is just a little out of hand? The last time two players engaged in fisticuffs they got half as many games combined…8! Just because Melo is the Anti-Bron doesn’t mean he has to be penalized like he stole a Marble Rye from an old lady.

Tomorrow:
Yeah, that’s right, “Tomorrow.” More TMQB; although in this case WMQB, comin’ at ya!

Post Thanksgiving Wrap Up

2006-11-30T00:08:00.000-05:00

Parcells Signs Another Discarded Colts Kicker, Idiot to Ask for Job Back

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Post Thanksgiving Wrap Up

Back when Mike Rutherford was with the Mechanics, he used to say that every generation blames the one before, so my main question to start off this installment, is who is Mike Vick planning on blaming for tossing gymnastic, hollow boned aviatrixes towards the Atlanta faithful?
We had a huge weekend for football this weekend, the Yankees pissed away some more money, the Red Sox are still claiming that spending over $75 Million to tie up an untested pitcher for 3 years is justifiable, the New York Post is making outlandish and unsubstantiated claims, and we managed to get through two weeks (count ‘em, 14 straight days) without talking about A-Rod…oh, damn, I screwed up didn’t I?
Seeing as I’ve already written about Thanksgiving a/k/a Tryptophan Day, I thought we touch on Sunday afternoon’s games as well as a much-needed trip out west for the TMQB. It started out small, you know, a trip to Vegas for the TMQB to spend with the family while the turkey was cooked and parental units spent their time question everything done by the Zygotes.
This was a big week for everyone, and you can imagine that for the most part lots of people were feeling their oats, in particular most of the home teams taking the field on Sunday. The Jacksonville Jaguars once again proved they are incapable of playing outside the “friendly” confines of northern Florida, or as I like to call it, the Clannish part of the state; when they went into Buffalo and let the Bills walk all over them. Just a word to David Garrard, if you’re hoping the Jags are going to take a serious look at you as their QB of the future or if you’re hoping another team is going to give up a couple picks to get you, you’ve got to beat J.P. Losman and the Bills…you’ve got (ITAL) to! The Jags went into Orchard Park and managed to keep it close, which is just not good enough when you’re on the road. Jacksonville fell to 1 – 4 on the road and Jags Coach Jack Del Rio was seen outside the stadium attempting to eat himself to death with plate after plate of wings. Meanwhile, while the Jaguars were busily dusting off the silver platter they’re going to give the AFC South Title to the Colts on, Jason Campbell was improving to .500 as a starter and doing his absolute best to make Joe Gibbs look like, if not a genius, than at least Gomer Pyle stumbling upon a MENSA meeting.
The Washington Redskins, who up until now have been like Britney Spears, all flash and no substance; finally seemed to right themselves against the Panthers who have had troubles of their own. Campbell threw for quasi-respectable 118 yards with 2 TD’s and 1 INT. While his number weren’t gaudy or Vince Young-esqe he held his own against a QB was throwing to Steve Smith in the NFC Title Game less than a year ago. Jason and the Redskonauts pulled out a fairly uneventful 17 – 13 victory over the Panthers and helped further dash their playoff hopes as well as conform my belief in their being a streaky team. And while we might not want to count the Panthers out just yet, they sure as hell are in need of a standing 8-count; a loss to the Eagles in Philly (“friendliest city on earth”) and they can kiss their playoff hopes goodbye.
Speaking of kissing playoff hopes goodbye, the Giants did something that’s only been done twice before in the history of the NFL; they blew a 21 point lead with less than 10 minutes to play. The Giants had the Titans beaten in Tennessee on Sunday; something that I’m sure everyone except a few ballsy gamblers and Vince Young’s mama had as a foregone conclusion before kickoff. The only problem was the Titans didn’t buy into the loser mentality and stuck around until the bitter end…and I do mean bitter. With the score tied, Eli “Just you watch, I’m going to be better than my brother some day” Manning tossed up a tater ball into the waiting arms of Tennessee’s football gobbling cornerback, Pac-Man Jones. The rest, as they say, is history. VY drove the supposedly hapless Titans downfield until they were in position for Rob Bironas to kick a 49-yard filed goal to clinch it.

Random Observations:
I hate Tony Romo’s stupid grin almost as much as I hate those new Zales commercials with that Michele Branch song.
Be happy I didn't link you to a picture of Brit's kitty; although honestly it's not all that special.

Next Week:
Can the Colts please clinch the AFC South? Against the Titans, should be a no-brainer, right?
Brady Quinn gets the O'Brien Award, or whatever award they give to the guy who doesn't win the Heisman.

Super-Sized Post Tryptophan Day Recap

2006-11-24T14:49:00.000-05:00

Romo Continues Hot Streak, Against Inferior Secondaries

Friday, November 24, 2006

Super-Sized Post Tryptophan Day Recap

Most of you (probably about six) were probably wondering what the hell was going on Tuesday morning when you noticed there was no TMQB to be had with your morning Bialy and cup of coffee; while you pondered the viability of your son’s interest in Event Planning. The TMQB pulled its whistle-stop tour into Las Vegas this week and among some general observations and a doing a little gloating about a 3-team Parley; let’s spend our precious time together talking about football. Normally, when I wake up on Thanksgiving morning around 10, my head is pounding slightly and I’m dreading being on my feet for the next seven hours cooking the bird, stuffing, &c. This time around, I was up by 7, a.m., to run down to the local purveyor of all things betable to lay a Sawbuck down on the Cowboys & Chiefs and then go after the big dawg with a 3-team, 6-gamer. The TMQB is happy with the results, and let’s leave it at that. There’s also something to be said for having placed your bets, starting to season your turkey, and watching football with a beer in your hand before 10 in the morning. So let’s get down to it…
I found myself doing the unthinkable, rooting for the Miami Dolphins on the road in Detroit, with Joey Harrington at the helm. You may remember, this is the same Joey Harrington the Lions traded to the Dolphins in exchange for a bag of Frito-Lays and half a bottle of Peach Vitamin Water. Harrington threw 3 TD passes in his first trip back to the Motor City and actually made it out without being shot. Miami’s defense, the same defense I thought of when I was making my bet, came up huge with 8 sacks, a forced fumble and an interception of John Kitna. Detroit on the other hand, didn’t come up so huge (more like Stuart Little) and it was pretty evident by about the 3rd Quarter, they were more interested in getting back to 8-Mile and crying over a plate of turkey and a slice of pumpkin pie. Although I didn’t hear them, the fans apparently resurrected their old chants of “Fire Millen” and despite going 23 – 68 since Mikey became GM in 2000, Detroit Linebacker, Boss Bailey, said the blame should rest with the team and not Millen. Or maybe, Boss was just trying to get a sniff of playing time after he spent all of Thursday’s game riding the pine. When it was all said and done, Miami had rattled off 27 straight points to win the game and didn’t let Detroit score after their initial 10 of the 1st quarter.
In Thursday’s second game, Tony Romo and the Cowboys stayed home and rode the high of beating the previously undefeated Colts to a drubbing of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Cowboys were favored by 11 and I think most people thought maybe the Bucs defense, particularly Ronde Barber would have been able to shut down Romo a little bit. The one thing most people didn’t count on was Romo’s amazing ability to throw a ball 10 yards, let his receivers do the work and then get all the credit. 5 TD passes later, the Cowboys had Iked their way to a 38 – 10 victory over the Bucs; who looked about as clueless as Lance Bass at a Victoria’s Secret Runway Show. I think the game was probably best summed up by the overstatement of the day from Bucs Coach John Gruden who said of Romo’s fluke performance, “I thought it was Aikman out there.” Yes well someone needs to remind Chucky that Troy does the play-by-play these days, after a dangerous cocktail of too much Michael Irvin and repeated whacks to the head cut his career short. Let’s let the bandwagon jumpers have their say though. ESPN is never afraid to toss their hat into the ring, and they would have you believe that after 5 games he is the greatest QB to ever don a Cowboys jersey, to say nothing of guys named Meredith, Staubach, and Morton, as well as the aforementioned Aikman. Their recap of the game makes the assertion that Romo “out-played” Peyton Manning; which by ESPN logic means we should give him the MVP award right now and forget about the rest of the season or what happened when Romo was watching Bledsoe and his legs of stone sink the Cowboys. I think the jury is still out on our Jessica Simpson dating friend with the stupid grin permanently plastered across his face, and still contend that if Nick Harper had been 100% and the Colts had Mike Doss and Bob Sanders in the secondary instead of on IR, it would’ve been a much different game. You want me to hand Tony Romo any kind of credit, make him throw a ball more than 10 yards and put him against a decent secondary. Until then, I’ll just be jealous of the Jessica Simpson thing.
After that nice little rant, which is pretty much verbatim of what I said yesterday, I tuned into the NFL Network to watch the Chiefs and Broncos duke it out in an old AFL match up. Chiefs owner, Lamar Hunt, who brought football to Kansas City from Dallas, was in the hospital and unable to watch the game he petitioned the NFL for, for so long. The Chiefs, whilst in the AFL played a Thanksgiving Day game against the Broncos in the days before “the merger” and it only took the NFL 40 years to add a third game and give the Chiefs their game. The Chiefs and Broncos played, what was by all accounts, a great game and although it wasn’t in the mold of the old AFL shootouts; it kept me watching throughout the game…and it had nothing to do with my having money on the game, I swear. The Chiefs took the added Thanksgiving Game 19 – 10 on 157 rushing yards from Grandmama and stout defensive play from their defensive line, which held Denver to 38 yards on the ground. Jake Plummer, played what looked like his last game for the Denver Broncos and although he played serviceably, and out-passed Trent Green, it probably wasn’t enough to save his job. So next week, Jay Cutler, with his moxie and his paper route will be taking the reigns of the possibly playoff bound Broncos (ooh, that’s alliterative) in an attempt to steer them towards XLI. More likely than not, this is going to blow up in Bizarro Martin Sheen’s face and the Broncos will finish the season at 9 – 7, at best.
Tom Coughlin is apparently unhappy with the comments made by Tiki Barber after the Giants loss last week to Jacksonville. Barber said he felt the Giants had abandoned the running game and called it a slap in the face to him and his offensive line; as well as a sure way to lose more games. You know, I’m going to have to side with the guy who led the League in total yards last year and was pretty much single-handedly responsible for the Giants even sniffing the Playoffs last season, as opposed to the coach everyone seems to love throwing under the bus. No word yet on Coughlin fining Barber, but the Giants might want to hold off on pissing off their best player until after he retires; lest the ghost of Wellington Mara start haunting the coaching staff.

Random Observations:
Warren Sapp claims people tried to poison him on road trips when he was with the Bucs? Warren, buddy, a muzzle isn’t poisonous; we’d just like it if you didn’t talk so much.
Eagles Coach, Andy Reid is staring Jeff Garcia in favor of A.J. Feeley this week in Indianapolis. Obviously you want a 36-year-old QB attempting to scramble around against the super quick Colts defense; makes sense to me…
Raiders running back Lamont Jordan is out for the rest of the season with an MCL tear. Hey Art, might be time to call the NFL and see if you can get your old job back.

Next Week:
The TMQB takes the show on the road and pulls into the Los Angeles Coliseum to watch Notre Dame hopefully get their asses handed to them by the USC Trojans. If I haven’t make it clear before, watching this game is like watching Michael Richards in a gun fight with Jay Leno…it doesn’t really matter who wins, as long as they both pull the trigger at the same time.

Week 10 Pick Fiasco

2006-11-14T00:43:00.000-05:00

Why Bother, Games Still Don’t Make Sense

Week 10 Pick Fiasco

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

So the TMQB tied one on this weekend and maybe got a little out of hand…just a little. As a result, what should’ve been done on Saturday, like a muffin fresh out the microwave, has become something more along the lines of an overcooked Banana Fritter…yeah, that’s what happens when you mix Maker’s Mark with the TMQB and some overripe bananas.
Speaking of hitting the Maker’s a little too hard, Mike Vanderjagt and the Cowboys went into the University of Phoenix Stadium (which is a late winner of the Absolutely Worst Name for a Stadium Award) and shut down Matt Leinart and the Cardinals, 27 – 10. Arizona has now lost 8 straight games and no matter how the owner and GM want to say Dennis Green’s job is safe, we all know it isn’t. That said, I believe in my What Were You Thinking Leaving Award last week, I made it pretty clear I didn’t think anyone can coach this team the way they’re playing. I do wonder though, if Dennis Green; a perennial playoff coach in Minnesota; can’t fix the Arizona Cardinals, who can? Seriously? Right now, I’m waiting for the League to step in and have an Expos style firesale. Can you imagine Larry Fitzgerlad on the Colts? I can.
The TMQB did walk away with a victory this week, no thanks to the Giants who crumbled at home against the Bears. Seriously, is there a less impressive 8-win team out there than the Chicago Bears? Colts haters and Billy Simmons don’t answer that. So the TMQB has a little extra change in the pocket, but his favorite NFC team pooched golden opportunity to keep space between themselves and the Cowboys and Eagles, not to mention the emotional lift of beating the Bears without three of their biggest defenders. Still, the TMQB doesn’t like to dwell in the past or in what might’ve been (unless it concerns the Yankees and then it’s viewed as therapeutic). The bottom line is, looking at it on it’s face; especially looking at how the Giants played the Texans, only a moron would think they had a shot to keep it together minus Strahan, Umenyiora and Emmons. Wait, wait, have we been able to locate that moron? Oh yeah, right here, me, the guy raising his hand. Although at least I didn’t go to New Jersey and sit in the rain to watch the Giants drink prune juice and then hop into bed; like someone I know...cough, cough, Freddy Beans.
So something happened that I’ve been not so quietly wondering about since the middle of last season; Mark Brunell finally lost his job and his replacement, Jason Campbell, gets rewarded with a start on the road against the Buccaneers. One can’t help but wonder why Joe “Are you my Mommy?” Gibbs waited so long to make the switch. Campbell has been collecting more dust on the Redskins sideline than naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan at Elton John’s house. I mean, I’m not saying that the Redskins 3 – 6 start is Brunell’s fault, but unless you’ve decided to give up (like Julian McMahon trapped beneath Rosie O’Donnell) why bother switching now? Seriously, I can think of at least 5 QB’s worthy of the Looney Toons style hook ahead of Brunell. Runnin’ Marky is 10th in the League in passer rating and injuries, poor coaching and a playbook thicker than Ruben Studdard are to blame, not Brunell.
As long as we’re assigning blame, let’s give a nice heaping spoonful to Bill Belichick for the way the Patriots folded at home against the Jets. It's also the fist time the Pats have lost back-to-back games in nearly 4 years; last time it happened the Jets were also responsible. Now, I picked the Jets to beat the spread, so I was still happy; but c’mon Bill, didn’t you watch film of the other Ruben, Droughns, run roughshod over the Jets a couple weeks ago? Seriously, why wouldn’t you just hand Dillon and Maroney the ball at least 20 times each? And then to add insult to injury, your players say you were out-coached by a guy who looks like Dennis the Menace. By the way, Bill, could you have been any poorer of a sport after the game? I imagine if the Pat’s had won Belichick would’ve tousled Mangini’s hair and posed for pictures. Instead, he throws him a dead fish of a handshake and makes a B-line for the pressroom. Classy guy that Bill Belichick, really classy guy…and a snappy dresser too.
So the Colts came close to inducing a mild heart attack in me on Sunday. Not so much because they might’ve lost a game, but because they might’ve lost a game to the Buffalo Bills. I don’t care what planet we’re on, the Buffalo Bills have no business going into Indianapolis and knocking off the Colts…no matter what the Colts record. Seems only last season, the TMQB was writing about the Colts magical run and while I'm not as invested in the “Big U” as I was last season, it sure would be sweet. But sweet only takes you so far, it would be like Rick Solomon capturing that wonderful evening with Paris without any film in the camera…the deed itself is great, but the payoff comes at the end when you’ve got the proof. That said, I just hope the Colts make it out of the first round of the Playoffs, then we can talk about Peyton and Tony hoisting the Lombardi…baby steps, baby steps.

Random Observations:
Those 5 QB’s are J.P. Losman, Jake Plummer (just so Jay Cutler, and his moxie, can start a few games, suck and everyone will have to finally shut up about him), Andrew Walter, Brad Johnson (dude, even if you are sixty, 5 TD’s-to-9 INT’s is not a good ratio) and Byron Leftwich…oh wait, never mind.
The Red Sox have the winning bid for Daisuke Matsuzaka at $42 Million Dollars? Is this guy seriously going to sign with a team in a city that has a smaller Asian population than all of Nashua, New Hampshire…seriously, check a Census.
Art Shell really does look like he’s been lobotomized standing on the Raiders sideline. After losing a challenge on Sunday, Shell didn’t even blink. A lesser man would’ve at least called the ref over to explain the play or torn Andrew Walter’s arm off. I can’t be sure, but I think Shell just checked his watch.

Next Week:
If the Red Sox actually manage to sign Matsuzaka I’m going to lose it. Either lose it, or gloat when he stinks; but he’s 26 and he’s been the best pitcher in Japan for the last 8 years, I don’t see it happening.
I’m already bored at the prospect of having to sit through some of Lions-Cardinals game.
I have this sneaking suspicion the Giants are going to blow another one, this time on the road in Jacksonville.

Mid-Season Award Spectacular

2006-11-08T00:09:00.000-05:00

Owens Tries to Make Good on Attempt to Give Parcells Stroke

Mid-Season Award Spectacular

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Before we get started, I’d like to offer my heartfelt condolences to the family of University of Miami Defensive Tackle, Bryan Pata who was shot and killed tonight outside his apartment near the University of Miami’s campus. Pata, was a 22-year-old Senior and 3-year starter on the team and was expected to be selected this coming April in the NFL Draft; but more importantly was well-liked on campus and considered a role model by his peers.

The Tuesday Morning Quarterback took a bit of a hiatus this week…mainly because I was wiped out on Monday after getting to sleep late on Sunday because I’d been super-giddy watching the Colts go into Foxboro and do something hardly anyone thought they could do…beat the Patriots, at home, for the second year in a row. That was definitely the best game of the season and it’s fitting that it fell on the Sunday night at the season’s halfway point. While some of you might want to nitpick and talk about the Patriots turnovers or the “fact that the Patriots should have run the ball more,” I say, maybe Tom Brady and Bill Belichick know how to handle the Colts a little better than you do. I mean, look on the bright side; last year the Colts pimp-slapped the Pats, this year it more like a loving push down a small flight of stairs. I’m still waiting for Sports Guy to recant his wildly ludicrous proclamation that the Patriots would win and leave the Colts and Peyton Manning, “limping from the field.” Hey, SG, where are you and your boy Bish at now?!?! HA!

And now, without further adieu, the awards…Just a word on the way I give my awards out. Most of these will be completely arbitrary, a few Colts will no doubt find their way onto the list, but it will be fair, and I’ll probably give out some less-known awards, like “NFL Train Wreck of the Year” or the “Tom Benson Award” which will go to the wackiest owner.

AFC Offensive MVP: Peyton Manning. I mean, c’mon, this one is pretty obvious. He’s the best player on the best team in the League and although he’s not blowing the doors off like he was two years ago, the Colts are still getting it done; and getting it done on the road against the Broncos and Patriots is no small task. He’s got the highest passer rating (106), the most TD’s (17), the most passing yards in the AFC (2291) and he averages over 8 yards per pass. C’mon, who did you think I was going to go with, J.P. Losman? Andrew Walter? Speaking of Johnny Twofirstnames, Kornhieser said it best on Monday night when he commented that it was pathetic that Walter was ranked 34th in the League and there are only 32 teams…wow!

AFC Defensive MVP: I’m going to go out on a limb with this one, seeing as it takes a little longer for defensive players to emerge than it does the offensive guys and one game can make a guys stats look amazing (I’m thinking of Elvis Dumervil who’s got 6 sacks, but has only recorded 8 total tackles). Under normal circumstances, I’d obviously go with Merriman but only Major League Baseball and Canadians reward potential steroid use; so I’m going with Miami Dolphins Defensive End, Jason Taylor. He’s forced 5, count em, 5 fumbles; he’s got 8 sacks; and an interception to his credit. I know the Dolphins stink, but it’s not their defense that’s losing them games. Getting honorable mention: Cato June & Gary Brackett, 77 and 76 tackles, respectively…you shouldn’t have to think too long about which team those guys play for.

AFC MVP: C’mon, see above. Peyton.

NFC Offensive MVP: This award was a little tougher to decide upon, mainly because Donovan McNabb could've run away with the Award if he hadn't been playing like butt the past few weeks. Despite his play, he’s still the second in passer rating and leads the League in both passing yards and yards per pass. Unfortunately for Donovan, I’m looking at the whole half-season and I can’t get past his performance; especially against the Bucs. For that reason Tiki Barber, who leads the NFC in rushing yards by 122 yards is the winner. He’s averaging 4.8 yards per carry and (ITAL) is the only back to average over 100 yards per game; only Ahman Green is close and he’s averaging 93.5. Tiki is also invaluable coming out of the backfield as a receiver and is on pace for over 550 receiving yards.

NFC Defensive MVP: It would be easy to say that Ronde Barber should win the Defensive MVP award, but then you’d laugh harder than I did when I found out that Britney Spears had filed for divorce from El Chupacabra, the Goatsucker a/k/a K-Fed a/k/a “Momma, can I sleep in yer trailer tonight?” The sad thing is that Brian Urlacher, who leads the NFC tackles, is 8th in the League behind 8 guys from the AFC. You know what, screw it Ronde Barber and Julian Peterson are your Co-NFC Defensive MVP’s. Ronde, is right behind BU in tackles and while Urlacher is sometimes the straw to Chicago’s drink; Tommie Harris is also on that team and sometimes having 2 straws in your drink makes you look a little fruity…and not in a Tequila Sunrise way either.

NFC MVP: Tiki Barber is the NFC Mid-Season MVP. He’s more valuable to his team than any other player on the Senior Circuit and I think it’s pretty safe to say the Giants would probably be playing .500 ball without him…guess that’s what you’ve got to look forward to next year Freddy.

NFL MVP: There’s this guy who’s dad is named Archie and has a little brother named Eli, I can’t remember what his name is right now but I know he’s won a couple MVP Awards already. Hmm, what is his name…?

AFC Mid-Season Rookie of the Year: Mario Williams, no seriously that’s not even funny. Dude, you’re the Number One pick in the NFL Draft and you’re barely averaging over 3 tackles a game…and you’re not getting double teamed; no, not like that! The Award goes to Joseph Addai, but could’ve easily gone to Jets running back Leon Washington. Their numbers are almost identical (Addai has about 100 more rushing yards over more attempts) but c’mon, am I really going to pick a guy from the Jets before I pick one of the Colts?

NFC Mid-Season Rookie of the Year: This one is pretty easy. New Orleans Saints wide receiver, Marques Colston is becoming his own human highlight reel and he’s doing all of it in the shadow of Reggie Bush who seems to still think he’s faster than everyone else. It’s okay though, Reggie, just like Vince Young and Matt Leinart will learn and get better; but it’s going to take time.

What Were You Thinking Leaving Your Old Team Award: In a Southern California-sized landslide, Edgerrin James. Dude, Edge, you were on one of the best teams in football and could’ve come back if you wanted too. Instead, you bolt for the desert and everyone thinks you’ve made a great decision until people realize not even the lovechild of Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry could coach the Arizona Cardinals to a winning record with the offensive line that you’re trying to run behind. Seriously, have fun icing you’re knees down for hours every Sunday night until January.

What Were You Thinking Letting Him Leave Award: This one could go a few different ways. I could easily hand the award to the Seahawks for letting Hutchinson skip town for a Conference rival in the Vikings; but Brad Childress has less coaching talent than he does hair and Brad Johnson is obviously not the long term solution, even though Childress seems to think he can squeeze another few years out of that 75-year old body. I should give this one to the Titans for treating Steve McNair worse than a Sleeping Car Porter (it’s the South, it’s what they do) before trading him to Baltimore (Steve’s gonna be pissed this weekend too; I like the Ravens, a lot!). The Award, of course, goes to the New England Patriots for letting Adam Vinatieri sign with the Colts, which anyone with even a passing interest in sports can see this was just like letting Johnny Damon sign with the Yankees. Since then, the Patriots have been taking serious gambles, going for it on first down because the homeless guy they have patrolling the sidelines doesn’t have faith in their rookie kicker.

Mid-Season Train Wreck of Year Award: The Award for Train Wreck of the Year was a difficult award to give out because I couldn’t decide whether I should give it to a single player, a coach or an entire team. Then I thought to myself, if Paris doesn’t put a limit on her nightly partners, why should I put a limit on the Award winners? Thus, I give you the Mid-Season Train Wrecks:
Team: Washington Redskins. Hey guys, still getting ready for the Super Bowl? You sure you’re going to make it with a 3 – 5 record? Yeah, probably not.
Coach: Bill Cowher. Yeah, that’s right, Billy Cowher. I could’ve mailed this one in and given the Award to Joe Gibbs, but Joe looks like he doesn’t know where he is half the time and always seems like Daniel Snyder took away his jar of applesauce and stuck him on the sideline. Cowher is making poor decisions that rookie coaches are avoiding and he’s hamstrung himself because he’s hanging off Roethlishberger’s jock like Beth from the Real World still trying to work the “I’m a bitch and I like it” premise 10 years later instead of going in a different direction.
Player: Although Aaron Brooks and Daunte Culpepper both could easily take this Award and hobble with it, I have to give it to Kurt Warner who lost his job fair and square to Matt Lienart because he can’t hold onto the football with his tiny and frequently broken fingers.

Tom Benson Award: Since no owner has assaulted a cameraman or called the people I the city that his team resides “female cats,” the award has to go the jumpsuit wearing, ass-kick-threatening, circa 1983 sunglass wearing near-Octogenarian, Al Davis. I’d say it was time for Al to step aside, but he might come after me with his walker.

Shut Up & Play Award: C’mon, is there any guy who is more deserving than Terrell Owens? Well, probably. Roy Williams (Detroit, not Dallas vintage) and Chad Johnson have both said some inexplicably stupid stuff, but Terrell Owens can’t seem to keep his mouth shut. He’s like the little kid who sits fidgeting, when the teacher asks who wants to play the quiet game, until he can’t take it anymore and has to start jumping up and down on her desk because he’s craving the attention. T.O., stop arguing with your coaches, stop saying you want the ball, we know you want the ball and we don’t care anymore and if you value your life, don’t argue with the Orca on the sidelines in a nationally televised game.

Week 9, Solid Pickery

2006-11-04T10:39:00.000-05:00

NBA Kicks Off Another Season, No One Notices

Week 9, Solid Pickery

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Since you last checked out the TMQB, Drew Brees and his mama got into it, with Drew admitting that he has “virtually no relationship with his mother.” His mother, who is running for public office in Texas by the way, said that little Drew was misstating the facts and said she loved her son very much…but said she would love him more if he hired her as his agent. Curtis Martin called it a career, I mean I know he didn’t actually say he was done but then again Arnold didn’t say he was done making movies after he became governor of California and you don’t see him running around pretending to be a robot anymore.

Chiefs (-3) at Rams
Well let’s see here, a few weeks ago I might’ve been hoping to stumble in front of a Downtown 6 train rather than watch this game. Now, it’s shaping up to be among one of the better ones this weekend…I said, one of, not the best. That honor belonged to Colts-Pats back in August when the schedules were set. The Chiefs looks less than impressive last weekend against the Seahawks who fielded a 5’11” Indian Tribe as a QB to beat them. The Rams on the other hand have Bulger, who knows a thing or two about passing the ball. Also, does everyone picking the Chiefs know something I don’t? Last time I checked, they were playing this game in St. Louis, not Kansas City.
Rams.

Bengals (-3) at Ravens
This is a tough one. The Ravens looked good last week, and although the Bengals lost, they did too. The question comes down to the Ravens defense and whether they’ll be able to run with the recently fined “Ocho Cinco” and Chris “Underage” Henry. If they can, and if they can get to Carson Palmer it’s going to be a very long day for Cincy. One more thing that scares me though is in terms of QB’s McNair verses Palmer is a little like sending a Rotweiler into a fight against an Elephant; sure the dog’s got some fight in him, but sooner or later the Pachyderm just has to raise and lower his foot…Still, this game is in Baltimore and the offense seems like it’s gotten a new spark with Billick at the helm.
Ravens

Texans (-13) at Giants
I remember making a proclamation last week about a team with a huge spread, not the Bears, and being dead wrong. Still, I saw how David Carr played last week in Tennessee and I watched the Giants get to Gradkowski faster than Colin Farrell goes through condoms. I think the Texans could throw Sage Rosenfels or whoever else they’ve got on that team and the result would be the same. Watch this be the game Carr decides to have a breakout performance.
Giants.

Titans (-10) at Jaguars
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “hmm, 10 points seems like a lot, I’m not sure if the Jags can pull it off.” Remember this, Vince Young is still more comfortable running than throwing the ball and the Tennessee coaching staff isn’t giving him the opportunity to make many mistakes; or big plays; limiting his passes to less than 20. The Jags, meanwhile, are home and coming off a big road win in Philadelphia. Garrard gets the nod from Del Rio again and this one should be smooth, like Red Velvet Cake from Maroon’s.
Jaguars.

Cowboys (+3) at Redskins
This one kills me. It’s like watching USC play Notre Dame, I hate them both, I just have to figure out who I hate less. Once I’ve done that, I try to think rationally and take hatred out of the equation…which if I’d listened to myself last week I would’ve won our pool. The Redskins look clueless and I’m still not sure the Cowboys are for real. I have this sneaking suspicion that Washington will be able to expose Romo that way I thought the Panthers would. I like Washington at home, coming off the bye; I just can’t believe I’m going to take them with Santana Moss more questionable than Clooney’s sexuality.
Redskins.

Packers (-3) at Bills
Okay, sure the Bills are home and sure they’re coming off a bye week but honestly, they could come off of 3 bye weeks and this game would still be close. The Losmantastic and effervescent J.P. is still at the helm, which honestly spells doom for Buffalo. Meanwhile, Brett is playing like a man possessed; trying to break as many of Marino’s records as he can before his arm falls off. Both teams have pretty good defenses, but Green Bay seems to be hitting their stride a bit more than the Bills. I’m just hoping, for a friend’s sake, that the Sabers at least make the playoffs…looking like another long (ITAL) Winter in the B-Lo.
Packers.

Saints (+1) at Bucs
The Bucs have managed to keep a lot of games close this season and have won two games they had absolutely no business winning earlier this season. It’s only been a month since these teams played each other and I’m sure each is going to come into Sunday with something to prove; especially considering the Saints were losing until Overrated Rookie “Sensation” Reggie “Show me something” Bush scored the winning TD for the Saints. Bush will be hampered by a sore ankle and although he hasn’t been a huge part of the Saints offense, the psychological effect will be much greater; kind of like Dave Navarro thinking about Dennis Rodman every time he got into bed with Carmen Electra…you just can’t help but fixate on what you haven’t got.
Bucs.

Falcons (-5) at Lions
So because Mike Vick has thrown for 7 TD’s in his last 2 games everyone is ready to forget the fact that he basically sucked and did nothing for the first 5 years of his career. Well, I didn’t forget and I won’ let you forget either. Vick is a fast running back with a great arm; who doesn’t study film, bother to look at a playbook or exhibit any actual patience in the pocket. All of this is evidenced by Atlanta’s running a modified option, the ultimate system for a coach to place a guy when he says “what do I do with an athletic quarterback with no actual “quarterback” talent?” Now although I just hit Vick harder than a stare from a Boston cop, he is playing the Lions; which throws some of that out the window. Still, talking to Freddy Babbs, we both agree this is probably the trap of the week.
Lions.

Dolphins (-13.5) at Bears
You can’t be serious, can you? No one believed me last week when I broke out stats to prove that the Bills and Seahawks were better than the 49ers and that I was convinced the Bears would cover. Well, the Dolphins aren’t better than the Bills or Seahawks either; in fact, they might be worse than the 49ers. Ronnie Brown is having a sophomore slump to end all slumps, Nick Saban has gone from genius to Corky and Ricky Williams is probably backpacking through Vancouver; munching on Peyote; as I sit here and write this. Even scarier, the Bears aren’t showing any signs of slowing down they’re getting better.
Bears.

Vikings (+5.5) at 49ers
Five and a half points seems like a lot of points to give the 49ers, but then you start thinking about how the Vikings played on Monday night and then had to fly cross-country to San Francisco. Alex Smith is still on of the worst QB’s in the NFL, but he’ll be playing at home and although the Vikes are 2 – 1 on the road, their wins have come against Washington (in Week 1) and Seattle, without Alexander and Hasselbeck (in Week 7). I just think it’s going to be tough for Minnesota to lose in Foxboro, hop on a plane and get ready play another game outside and let Brad Johnson stand around and get hit some more. Just look at the Steelers playing an afternoon barnburner against the Falcons, then mailing one in against the Raiders the following week.
49ers.

Browns (-12.5) at Chargers
I saw the Browns ram it down the Jets collective throats last weekend, but I know the Browns were at home and even though they ran at will for most of the game, they still only scored 20 points. Shawne Merriman or not, the Chargers defense should easily be able to shut down Charlie Frye and the Browns defense isn’t going to be able to hold Tomlinson, even though I still (ITAL) don’t think Philip Rivers is for real. Perhaps most importantly, my new found credo of not betting on Cleveland sports teams, they might fool you like last week, but pick them, then see what happens.
Chargers.

Broncos (-2) at Steelers
Ugh, get me some Pepto. No one knows which Steelers team is going to show up from week to week. The one who blew out the Chiefs; the one that ran with Atlanta and lost, or the anemic team that showed up to play Oakland. Meanwhile, the Broncos offense got going against one of the worst run defenses in the League and still lost. These two teams should run the ball a lot and Pittsburgh’s defense is a lot better than the one the Colt’s have; although you wouldn’t know it the way they were shredded by Ron Mexico’s alter ego. I don’t think the Broncos score more than 17 in this one; and if I’m right, I’ve got a whole new system for picking games.
Steelers.

Colts (2.5) at Patriots
These are probably the two best teams in the NFL and while the Patriots are looking inexplicably good, they’re beating teams like Cincy, who’s clueless, Buffalo (twice) and the Dolphins. The Colts meanwhile, have played the Jaguars, Giants, beat the Broncos; something the Pats couldn’t do; and most importantly they are flat out finding ways to win this season as opposed to blowing everybody out. I don’t think the Colts will win 40 – 21 like last year, but I think they do win.
Colts.

Raiders (-8) at Seahawks
Seneca Wallace, versus Andrew Walter? Maurice Morris, versus Lamont Jordan? Wallace played pretty well last week in a loss to Kansas City and the Chargers didn’t even win in (ITAL) Kansas City this year. Walter meanwhile, threw like 15 passes and could barely complete 35% (5-of-14 to be exact). It doesn’t matter that the Seahawks look like a MASH Unit, they still win this one on Monday night. If not, then I’m not sure I’ll know what to believe in anymore…
Seahawks.

Random Observations:
Move over James Brown, Mike Tirico is the new Hardest Working Man in Showbiz…
I'm thinking of starting an unabashed, Sports-Related Rumor ever week and then sit back and wait for the magic to happen. This week: The PTI guys are fighting over Tony Kornheiser’s big head and are now stipulating they don’t want to be in the same studio more than twice a week.
Sunday Night, 8, p.m. EST; I’m going to be super excited. I’m hoping that around 11:15 I’ll be totally geeked.

Nearly Halfway Week 8 Shakedown

2006-10-31T08:34:00.000-05:00

Vikings Learn, Playing Patriots not the Same as Playing Redskins or Lions

Nearly Halfway Week 8 Shakedown

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I don’t want to belabor this or anything, so I’ll try not to dwell on it for too long; but I will say that Jake Delhomme and the Panthers f-ing suck! Seriously, a 14 – 0 lead not good enough against the Cowboys with a QB making his very first start? I should’ve known this was a trap game…I should’ve known! Especially when 14 out of 15 guys all take Carolina, something in my head should’ve told me maybe I should take a closer look at Dallas. But then I thought, the Panthers defense is even faster and supposedly better than the Giants defense, this game should be a cakewalk. I watched Romo run, he’s not fast; he’s faster than Drew Bledsoe but then again, Milton Berle might be faster than Bledsoe. The fact that the Panthers defense allowed Romo to pick up crucial yards on third and fourth downs is unacceptable. Now all week long I’m going to have to listen to idiots who are going to say Tony Romo won that game for the Cowboys. When in reality Delhomme and the Panthers gave the game away with dropped passes, fumbles and a costly interception. I’ve been saying this since last year when I said the Panthers were streaky and that hasn’t changed here (check out my “God Hates Bengals Fans” from January 10, 2006); their offense with the addition of Keyshawn Johnson should be more explosive, not less…so how was that for not belaboring things?
Aside from that, we actually had some great games this weekend. The Colts and Broncos did not disappoint playing a seesaw game that wasn’t decided until the very end, when Adam Vinatieri booted a 37-yarder through for the win with 2 seconds on the clock. The Colts exposed Denver’s defense and while Peyton Manning had to settle for a quiet first half (again) the Colts scored 14 points in the 3rd and 4th Quarters, gained 437 total yards and nearly matched the amount of points given up by Denver all season long.
The Jets did something interesting on Sunday when Widdu Eric Mangini let the run defense fly out on the next plane to Cleveland so they didn’t get there until the 4th Quarter. For all of his supposed genius, Eric’s Jets looked pretty terrible playing one of the NFL’s worst teams, the Browns. How does this happen you ask? No clear indication other than Browns coach Romeo Crennel probably threatened to eat Charlie Frye’s fingers unless he led the team to victory. Frye, with the help of a not-so-fat guy named Ruben, ran all over the Jets and probably would’ve made Mangini harken back the New York Titans era, had he actually been alive then and not just a glimmer in Belichick’s eye.
Other teams securing wins this weekend were the Tennessee Titans, New York Giants, Green Bay Packers and inexplicably, the Oakland Raiders; although you had to know this had the potential to be a huge trap game. The Steelers, coming off a tough loss to the fakers of the NFC, the Falcons; Big Ben concussed and confused; and a flight to Oakland to sweeten the deal. I’d be lying if I said I saw it coming, because I jumped right back on the Pittsburgh bandwagon and rode it into a brick wall.

Random Observations:
After Bucs, Ronde Barber and Matt Bryant were given cushy tickets for family and friends, they showed Bruce Gradkowski’s dad in the stands…or should I say on the satellite he was sitting on the watch the game. Not a good day for the Fel-o from Toledo.
The Hot Stove is finally here. We might be having a little trouble getting it lit, but once things get going several pitchers could be changing zip codes; primarily the worst kept secret in baseball, which seems to be Barry Zito heading from Oakland to Queens. But I am downright giddy at the prospect of the Yankees picking up Japanese phenom, Diasuke Matsuzaka, supposed thrower of the gyroball.
One more thing about Delhomme, I haven’t seen decision making that bad since Jessica Simpson didn’t ask Nick Lachey for a prenup, then went on national television to showcase her massive intellect, then filed for divorce, then…well, you get the idea.

Next Week:
The Jets get an entire week to cry about the force out that was, or wasn’t, and try to muster up some actual offense when they go on the road to Foxboro.
Gary Sheffield, and his rosy disposition, will unfortunately still be a member of the Yankees.
Larry Brown takes some of the millions he pilfered from Dolan and the Knicks and buys himself an island.

Week 8 Picks

2006-10-27T00:14:00.000-04:00

Owens Upset, Romo Getting More Coverage. Calls for Leaf to QB

Week 8 Picks

Friday, October 27, 2006

Okay, so I’ve been getting steadily worse at picking games with each successive week…kind of like Lindsay Lohan and movies. Last week was an absolute debacle, but how the hell was I supposed to know that Matt Hasselbeck would go down with a freakish injury? By the way Matt, your own secret agent of a fullback, Mack Strong, pushed E.J. Henderson into your leg; if you want to blame someone, blame him. I also had no way of knowing the Falcons defense would try to “break that reconstructed jaw of” Big Ben or that Donovan would decide to throw Tampa Bay 12 points all by himself. Yep, last weekend was pretty scary. I’m just glad I’ve got someone to walk around with when I go candy hunting come Tuesday.
You know what did make me smile? Roy Williams coming out and saying he honestly thought the Lions were a 9 win team, which if I understand him correctly, means he thinks the Lions can win out over the remainder of the season and finish 10 – 6, which is too ridiculous for words. Roy is like the fat Dixie Chick, he talks way too much, pisses everyone off, does nothing to back it up and then his teammates have to do damage control concerning the stupid things he says.
Okay, enough about mental retardation, on to my Week 8 Picks…

Texans (-3) at Titans
Under normal circumstances, I’d say picking a team in this game would be like ordering sushi on a Sunday…just not a good idea. But I’ve got too and I’m worried about both of these teams. While the Texans put a spanking on the Jaguars last weekend, Vince Young is coming off a bye week and looking to erase the bad memories of his first home start against the Cowboys in Week 4. The Titans should also be jacked up expecting the return of the face-tap dancer. Bottom line: the Titans Travis Henry ran very well against the Redskins and the Texans rush defense is nowhere near as good. Oh yeah, they’re playing in Tennessee.
Titans.

Jaguars (-6.5) at Eagles
There’s going to be a trend this week with games I don’t like, this is the second…out of two. The Jags looked awful last week, Byron Leftwich is injured, again (sore ankle), and they still don’t have Marcus Stroud healthy. I’m actually worried about the possibility of David Garrard getting the start, considering he’s more mobile than an injured Leftwich and definitely no slouch in the pocket. Meanwhile, Donovan’s Chunky Soup eatin’ mama could’ve played better than he did in the first half of last week’s game; she also would’ve thrown up less. The All-American birds are going to be back home and need a win to stay ahead of the NFC East’s worst team and their possibly senile coach, while the feisty cousin to the Cougar seems a bit rudderless.
Eagles.

Falcons (-3.5) at Bengals
I don’t even know where to begin on this one. I trust Jim Mora, Jr.’s coaching abilities about as much as I trust a Stevie Wonder behind the wheel of a Bugatti Veyron. Despite the aberration of Michael Vick’s throwing more than 2 TD’s in the same game, I have serious doubts he’ll be able to do it in successive weeks. I also don’t see the Falcons defense stopping the Bengals…who actually haven’t scored a lot of points this year (18th in the League). I’d like to think that if this turned into a shootout between Vick and Palmer, I’d back Palmer; gimpy leg and all. No offense to Charlie Batch or anything, I actually think he’s a serviceable QB who should’ve gotten the start in Week 2 to give Ben a little more time to shake the rust off, but Batch in a shootout with Vick is like showing up to a knife fight with a spoon. This week, the spoon will be in Vick's hands.
Bengals.

Bucs (-9) at Giants
Until I watched the Giants essentially dominate Dallas on Monday (“essentially” because the awful play of Romo & Bledsoe combined with the ref setting a pick on Roy Williams helped too), I would’ve said 9 points was a little much. Now I’m thinking, the Giants will be home and the Bucs are, well the Bucs. Someone needs to tell Chucky that squeaking by 2 good teams by a combined 3 points does not mean you have a good team. Eli is getting better, the Giants seriously have about 10 linebackers under contract to replace Arrington and Tiki Barber seems like he’s definitely going to retire at the end of the season. He’s making every single run count, which means a little brother on brother mash up in the Barber Bowl. Oh yeah, Gradkowski throws like a chick (and looks like a felon), which doesn’t help when the wind starts to swirl in Jersey.
Giants.

49ers (-16) at Bears
Under normal circumstances, I’d be kicking myself in the junk for even considering taking the Bears. I mean, c’mon, have you looked at the spread? 16 points? This thing got as high as 17.5 for a little while, which scares me even more. I know the Bears are good, but as bad as the 49ers are, it’s not like they’re Cal Tech. That said, Alex Smith has been sacked 13 times in 6 games, the Bears eat quarterbacks like Juji Fruits and they’re playing at Soldier Field; which pretty much spells doom for a guy who played college ball in Utah and now plays in San Francisco (and yeah, I know there's wind coming off the Bay). If you want, look at it like this: the Bills (that’s right, the Bills) and the Seahawks are both better than the 49ers and the Bears beat them by a combined 64 points…and while I know the 49ers had a bye too, don’t you think Urlacher and Tommie Harris have just been itching to absolutely destroy someone?
Bears.

Cardinals (-4) at Packers
The Cardinals stink. Also, see above for thoughts on warm weather QB’s in cold weather (even though it’s going to be freakishly warm in Green Bay and Chicago this weekend).
Packers.

Seahawks (-6) at Chiefs
While things looked like they were going from bad to worse for the Chiefs, they’ve bounced back a little bit and Seattle, who will be without Hasselbeck and Alexander, is not going to have an answer for Kansas City. If you think I’m crazy, just look at what the Chiefs did last weekend to the Chargers. Playing at Arrowhead is like showing up to a house party hosted by Michael Irvin and Marion Barry with a dimebag; just showing up isn’t going to be enough.
Chiefs.

Saints (+2) at Ravens
I’d like to think the Saints can pull this out, but I’ve got a lot of reservations. For starters, the Ravens are pretty stingy and playing at home; also McNair has had a week to recover from the shot he took in Week 6 against the Panthers. We don’t really know how tough the Saints defense is, although they won’t have to be all that tough against the Ravens, who can’t seem to get it going. Brian Billick unceremoniously fired his best friend, which is a little like Stringer trying to sell out Avon only to have Avon sell him out first and end up dead at the hands of Brother Mouzone; which I can guarantee you was in the back of Fassel’s mind when he took the offensive coordinator position.
Ravens.

Rams (-9.5) at Chargers
Not in a million years would I put money on the Chargers, with a line like this, after last weekend. The Rams have looked better than good so far this season, and but for a glitch in the rulebook, would be 5 – 1, in sole possession of First in the NFC West. Also, sure Merriman is playing, but he’s bound to be distracted (not quite Hernandez shotgunning bears in the clubhouse, but still) and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Rams secondary came down with a couple picks.
Rams.

Steelers (+9) at Raiders
The Steelers have looked great and the Steelers have looked awful, the main question is which version of the Pittsburgh Steelers is going to show up to play the Raiders. My biggest problem is that Cowher isn’t going to say whether Ben will be ready until game time, and that could spell trouble. Although, this is the Raiders and Randy Moss was probably so happy after last week’s victory over the mighty Cardinals he and buddy Jason Williams (the tattooed white guy, not the alleged murderer or cycle enthusiast) probably knocked over a few Huntington, West Virginia area banks to celebrate. I don’t care what happened last week when the Raiders won or how banged up Roethlisberger might be, they’ve still got Charlie Batch. I think Charlie Batch is a like calling Tara Reid when you can’t get Jennifer Love Hewitt; she’s not as good looking and the “assets” aren’t as nice, and it sure won't be pretty, but she’ll get the job done.
Steelers.

Jets (-1.5) at Browns
This has got to be the easiest game of the week. I don’t want to get ahead of myself and call it a lock and then have the entire Jets defense come down with Swine Flu, but I honestly don’t see how the Browns can win. Not to mention, I broke my rule about betting on the city of Cleveland and you saw what happened there; so yeah, I’m betting on the Jets. Me, the guy who likes to make fun of Chad Pennington and might’ve chuckled a little bit when I heard Curtis Martin when down with an injury. I still don’t think they’re for real, no matter what they’ve done so far; but hell, I’ll take them against the Browns any day of the week (I think “twice on Sunday” is kinda implied since they do play on a Sunday).
Jets.

Colts (-3) at Broncos
Jake Plummer’s not as mobile as he once was and I’d have to think he’s maybe a little worried after watching how improved the Colts defense was after the addition of Anthony McFarland. The Addai/Rhodes combo is just starting to hit it’s stride and you’ve got to like the way Peyton is no longer afraid to play from behind (no Kenny Chesney jokes, please). Meanwhile, the Broncos defense is playing tough; but they’ve also played teams like Oakland, Cleveland and Baltimore “tough,” so finally they’re going to be tested…I don’t think they pass.
Colts.

Cowboys (-5.5) at Panthers
Okay Cowboys, you guys say you’re not going to mail in the rest of your season, there’s still a lot of football left, you can still make the playoffs. Oh, Tony Romo was named your starting quarterback? Scratch that, you’re boned. The Panthers have a better defense than the Giants, and the Giants came up HUGE on Monday. I’m all for the trial by fire, but Jesus, Parcells, what are you thinking? Your starter is ready to quit on you, your leading receiver (not a guy named Owens) is upset because the two used to play together and all the other receivers are pissed because they say Romo’s throwing to T.O. too much. And to add insult to injury, the owner of your team has come out and said he thought this was a step back. Oh yeah, this is a great idea.
Panthers.

Patriots (+2) at Vikings
Don’t believe the hype, the Vikings are not a good football team. It may seem that way because the ball has bounced their way a couple times, but they are not good. I know Brad Johnson is happy he’s got that offensive line, because if he didn’t he’d probably be playing Pinochle with Vinny Testaverde in Boca right now (actually, it’s 9:45, p.m. as I write this; they’d probably be eating apple sauce and getting ready for bed). I’m also not dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady or LM, and although it pains me to say this, Maroney does look pretty good in a Pats uniform.
Patriots.

Random Observations:
Mercifully, the Bills, Dolphins, Lions & Redskins all have a bye week; it really is amazing that those 4 teams might combine for less than 20 wins…wow!
I wrote “Texans” up there and left it for about an hour…watch them win on Sunday.
I will never again say something nice about anyone looking good in a Pats uniform. Actually, why stop there? I will never again say anything about another dude looking good in any uniform.
Michael Irvin got schooled by Tiki yesterday. Read about it this weekend, when I tell you why I stand by Tiki.

Week 7 Crunch Wrap

2006-10-24T01:09:00.000-04:00

TO Calls for Jeff Garcia after Romo only Throws him One TD

Week 7 Crunch Wrap

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Recently, topping my list of things I don’t like; aside from the Red Sox and entire city of Boston; are Terrell Owens and the Dallas Cowboys, that’s why I was so happy the Giants are coming out of Texas with a win. Bill Parcells looked a little confused, like maybe all of the barbeque he’s eating by the metric ton is starting to effect his decision making abilities. The Orca pulled starting QB Drew Bledsoe in favor of Tony “Interception” Romo,no doubt to appease TO who looked ready to cry at halftime. It kind of worked, TO did catch a touchdown, but all in all Romo did more harm than good tossing 3 interceptions and no doubt causing the Orca to drive to the nearest Duane Reade (or whatever the hell they’ve got down there) and clean them out of Pepto.
Also reaching for something to help his stomach feel a little more Springtime fresh was Andy Reid, who managed to Kevorkian another possible Eagles victory with his clock management skills that are rivaled by only Chris Weber and Patrick Cowan…and I’m not just saying that because I’m pissed Notre Dame managed to win yet another game they should’ve lost, but Cowan is quite possibly the worst quarterback I’ve ever seen and he botchero’d the UCLA-ND game, handing fat Charlie…oh, sorry, I’m doing it again. So yeah, the Eagles sucked worse than Jenna in the good ol’ days and just when they thought maybe, just maybe they’d escape with a victory Matt Bryant, a guy who couldn’t even kick off properly when he was with the Giants, absolutely boomed a 62 yard field goal to win it.
Sort of like Mark McGrath hosting Extra, the Washington Redskins have also fallen very, very far. They did so in flying colors against the Colts and let Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison tie a couple records in the process. Not exactly sure how Redskins Defensive End, Phillip Daniels was allowed to "hit Peyton Manning high" and nearly rip his head off in the process and not get flagged...for anything, but I'm happy the Colts walked away with the win. Washington came in expecting to run on Indy like OJ on the PCH…slow and steady…instead, Indy held Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts to less than 100 yards combined and basically shut down Mark Brunell and Santana Moss. Once again, confused Old Timer, Joe Gibbs, kept Jason Campbell on the sidelines in bubble wrap and let him watch and learn how not to win against a Colts secondary that was missing Mike Doss, Nick Harper & Bob Sanders.
Not looking depleted, but equally as impressive in victory, were the New York Jets who managed a win against that "pesky" Lions team that beat the Bills last week. Rocket-Arm Chad Pennington had a lights out game and when it was all said and done, the result was the same: Lions terrible, opponent win. The Jets also got that win without Curtin Martin and judging from how Leon Washington looked more like Leon Spinks, the Jets may have found the answer to their problems.
Not to be outdone by the antics of the Cincinnati Bengals, the San Diego Chargers have instituted a new law breaking policy and the players have really taken to it. First, linebackers Steve Foley and Shaun Phillips thought it would be a good idea to beat up some cops, then Safety Terrence Kiel decided he send a couple controlled substances through the mail and then our good friend Foley was back, this time with a woman who tried to run a cop over after Foley had been shot three times. Now, Shawne Merriman is getting into the act with a positive steroid test…way to go! Just one question Shawne, if you’re apologizing to your teammates; then why are you appealing your suspension? That’s like saying, “no, I didn’t rob that bank but I’m sorry I took that bag with the Dollar sign on it.” At least that whole thing about the Chiefs not being a real test for Philly Rivs was half-wrong; how to you throw 43 passes and only have 266 yards passing?
Injuries also “showed up big” this weekend, as Matt Hasselbeck probably came within a couple millimeters of having a Carson Palmer on his knee. Instead, the lucky Seahawks QB will only be sidelined for about a month while the proud Native American tribe, and juice makers take over for him. Meanwhile, Big Ben was trying to do his best Troy Aikman impression, what with the whole lying unconscious on the field thing and now he’s probably one big hit away from going from grandfather clock to Timex…and not the G-Shock either. Indianapolis lost Safety Mike Doss for the season with a torn ACL and watching Dungy’s disgusted look from the sidelines, I’d say he knew as soon as it happened. The Giants also lost a key defender, when LaVar Arrington tore his Achilles last night. Lucky for them, the Giants have about 15 other linebackers to help fill the void.

Random Observations:
For the second week in a row, Donovan has the camera trained on his disgusted look as a kicker takes a victory away from he and his Eaglets.
I’m convinced Theismann and Kornheiser have no business in the broadcast booth. Half the time, I don’t know what the hell TK is talking about, he just prattles on and on and makes these arcane references to the 1947 Giants or Chicago Cardinals.
Ronde Barber had more yards off of interceptions Sunday than TO did receiving last night…that makes me happy.

Next Week:
Washington gets a much needed bye week. Maybe Daniel Snyder will overpay for some more players who don’t blend with the ones he’s already got.
The Football Gods are laughing at us with not only a Cardinals-Packers match up, but also a Texans-Titans game.
The Bears might score 50 on San Francisco, although after watching what the Cardinals did, who the hell knows. Oh wait, their playing at Soldier Field…I feel sorry for Alex Smith.
Jake the Fake could be the next QB to lose his starting job to a kid with a whole lot of moxie!

Week 7 Pick Bonanza

2006-10-22T12:13:00.000-04:00

En Memoriam, 2006 New York Mets

Week 7 Pick Bonanza

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Watching the Mets pooch game 7 Thursday night I started thinking that while I might’ve been “rooting” for the Mets out of love for my City, I could honestly care less who won the game. This was no game 7, 2004 Yanks-Red Sox; no game 7 2001 Yanks-Diamondbacks; not even game 4, 2006 Yanks-Tigers. So I started thinking, if all of these fans of the Metropolitan Baseball Club of the City of New York want to run around and make fun of the Yankees when they lose, can I really be the bigger man? Take the high road? Root like crazy for the Cardinals (which I’ll be doing anyway, seeing as the Tigers beat my beloved Yankees)? I guess all I’ll say is, what if’s are nice but if ARod didn’t turn into Sal Bando during the Playoffs I’d still be writing about baseball…but I’m not.
A word about last week too. I tried, I really tried to crank out my picks before the games but with a busted router and some other technical issues (read, trying out the whole Vamparism thing), no dice. But since that’s over and I found out I don’t turn to dust in the sun I’m ready to go...and still questing after the perfect week.

Chargers (+5.5) at Chiefs
I’ve actually got a lot of problems with this game; I don’t even know where to begin. For starters, everyone in the 619 is ready to completely forget about some guy named Drew they used to have working there and anoint Phil Rivers the next Montana…um, get over it, he was playing against the 49ers, remember them? The guys who used a Rodeo Cowboy at QB last season? Meanwhile, the Chiefs would’ve looked better if they’d never even made the trip to Pittsburgh last week. That said, their defense has looked terrible but even this isn’t a test for Philly Rivs…
Chargers.

Jaguars (+9.5) at Texans
Wow. The Texans hung in there last week against their in-state rivals but the Cowboys would’ve kicked their own asses if they’d lost that one. Let’s take a look at some of Houston’s personnel: David Carr, sucks. Mario Williams, sucks. Gary Kubiak, sucks. The entire Defense, sucks. The Jags are not really interested in letting other teams score which spells trouble for little Davey and his “high-powered offense.” Final score 28 – 10 sounds about right.
Jags.

Patriots (+5.5) at Bills
Sure, I remember a couple years ago when the Bills laid a whuppin’ on the Patriots 31 – 0 at home and I remember when the Pats returned the favor a few weeks later; by the exact same score. You know what else I remember? J.P. Losman is still the Bills QB and against the Patriots secondary (I think 4 guys Belichick found hanging out on a street corner in Roxbury) he should be good for at least 2 picks. That, coupled with the fact that Tom Brady got to stay home (not with Bridget Moynihan…haha, victory is mine! And by mine I mean, I’m pretty sure her security detail might maim me if I got within 300 feet of her) while the Bills lost to the Lions, I like the Pats to comfortably cover.
Pats.

Steelers (+2.5) at Falcons
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Michael Vick is the greatest running back of his generation. Unfortunately, he doesn’t play that position and seems to enjoy throwing into double coverage. If that’s the real Pittsburgh Steelers we saw last Sunday then teams are going to have problems. I’m still amazed by Roethlisberger being able to pass for over 230 yards without throwing more than 20 passes. Polamalu can run with Vick, and might even be able to chase him down, Cheetah-Antelope style. This game could get ugly…and scary, like Elvira. My Crystal Ball is showing me back-to-back home losses for the Falcons…ouch.
Steelers.

Packers (-4.5) at Dolphins
Oh Jesus, there’s got to be a bottle of turpentine, or maybe some bleach I could drink instead of pick one of these two teams. I think the Dolphins have covered once all season and the Packers, forget about it. Right after I said, “you can never bet against Favre” he and the Pack went and lost to the Rams…although they did cover. The Packers are in Miami, which under normal circumstances would scare me but the only thing the Dolphins can do these days is stop the run and I know Brett likes to pass like 60 times a game so no problem there. I have no trust in the Dolphins, well maybe a little; but a little isn’t enough to bet money on them.
Packers.

Eagles (+5) at Bucs
Yeah, the Eagles didn’t look so hot last weekend and yeah the Bucs looked pretty good last weekend against the Bengals, but c’mon…this is the Eagles and the Bucs and it’s not 2002, back when Warren Sapp was fat and terrorizing a young Chunky Soup eating Donovan.
Eagles.

Lions (-3.5) at Jets
The Lions just plain suck. There’s no way around it and aside from last weeks aberration against the Bills, I don’t see them going into the Meadowlands and beating up on the Jets…this year’s version of the Vikings (they’re good, oh no, wait they’re not, oh yes, maybe they are…oh, no never mind). The former Titans weren’t that convincing last week against the Dolphins so you can bet that Dennis the Menace a/k/a Eric Mangini will make sure his troops are ready.
By the way, am I the only one hoping the Jets bring Vinny back for one more tour of duty? How funny would it be to see Vinny and little Eric arguing on the sidelines and Vinny pulling some, “I was throwing touchdowns when you were still in short pants!” routine on Lil’ E.
Jets.

Panthers (-2.5) at Bengals
For several reasons, I’m wary of this game. I don’t like the Bengals this year…and it’s got nothing to do with the fact that there are more felons on that team than there were on the ‘86 Mets and 2002 Blazers combined. The Bengals just don’t look like they’ve got it together and Carson Palmer goes from being lights out to gun-shy. The Panthers meanwhile, upgraded on offense and are still eking out victories. I’m sorry, what part of Keyshawn + Steve Smith + Crawfish Jake does not add up to touchdowns? That said, eking out a victory is still a victory and I am not betting money on felons…except maybe the Blazers, or the Hurricanes, or if Lenny Dykstra, Doc, Keith or Darryl decide to make a comeback…by the way, start listening around minute 1:50…fantastic! Anyway, I like the Panthers.
Panthers.

Browns (-4.5) at Broncos
The Broncos have one of the best defenses in the NFL. Let me run that by you once more; the Broncos have one of the best defenses in the NFL…and Romo has been supposedly roid free and off the team for 5 years. That said, the Browns have a half-decent defense, kinda like how Kelly Clarkson is half-decent looking. Cleveland should keep it close, although I’m breaking one of my cardinal rules, which is to never bet money on the city of Cleveland.
Browns.

Redskins (-9) at Colts
I’ve only bet against the Colts once this season and admittedly, they should’ve lost that game against the Jets; but they didn’t, so ha. The Redskins looked awful last week and if you allow Travis Henry to rush for nearly 175 yards, you deserve to lose. I’ve also noticed the production from Colts running back tandem if Dominic & Joseph has been steadily improving. If Joe Gibbs is taking his Dementia meds this week, he might actually pull Mark Brunell in favor of Jason Campbell, but I like Jason and would rather not see Dwight Freeney accidentally break him.
Colts.

Cardinals (+2.5) at Raiders
How do you manage to bounce back from blowing a 17-point lead and have your coach pull out all the stops with a tirade that managed to not only rival Jim Mora’s “Playoffs?!?!!?” meltdown, but the John Calipari/John Chaney near-brawl? You play the whipping boys of the NFL, the Oakland Raiders, that’s how. I think this guy I work with put it best when he said, “I just can’t trust a quarterback with two first names.” I’m looking at you Andrew Walter.
Cardinals.

Vikings (-6.5) at Seahawks
The Vikings are fooling everyone into thinking they’re a good football team, the problem is some weeks I think the Seahawks are too. The Vikings are going to have to do more than steal an offensive lineman from the Seahawks to beat them.
Seahawks.

Giants (-2.5) at Cowboys
Drew and that guy I won’t write about, you know, the one who doesn’t drink or smoke or take drugs or have 18 kids by 20 different mothers…that one? Yeah, catching 3 TD’s and having less than 50 receiving yards makes me smile a little bit. It also helps when you are allowed to push the DB off you in order to create space. I like the Giants, I like Shockey, I like Eli, hell, I even like Jay Feely this week! That said, Feely will probably crumble under the Monday Night Pressure and shank one with 3-seconds left.
Giants.

Now that we’re done, I get to see how my picks stack up for another week. I’m 9 wins out of first, after Freddy Babbs’ insaneo 11-win week, and hoping to make up ground. Going 6-for-13 last week doesn’t help.

Week 6 Recap

2006-10-17T09:33:00.000-04:00

Bledsoe Says Romo Trying to Sabotage Him by Throwing TD Pass to TO

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Week 6
RecapBefore we get started with this week’s picks, I would like to extend my heartfelt condolences to the families of Cory Lidle and his flight instructor, who both perished in a plane crash Wednesday afternoon on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Lidle was a key contributor to the Yankees 9th Straight Division Title and defeat of the Red Sox shortly after he was traded from the Philadelphia Phillies in early August. Thanks for the memories Cory, however short, you will be missed.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PIECE WILL BE TERRELL OWENS FREE…FROM THIS POINT ON.

So I started out this week by teasing most of the spreads in our Football Pool from 3-to-2.5 points which ended up coming up pretty big since I probably would’ve gone the opposite direction with 3-pointers and ended with like 3 wins. That said, I thought I had a pretty good week until I checked the tally and saw that my buddy Freddy “Biggest Giant Fan Ever” Babbs had a nearly perfect week after the Broncos offense stayed home Sunday night (10-for-12, and 11-for-13 after the Bears decided to only show up for the 4th Quarter of last nights game). As far as I’m concerned, Denver shouldn’t be allowed to play Prime Time games if they insist on continuing any combination of the following: A) scoring less than 24-points, B) letting the Oakland Raiders keep it close against them, C) not covering spreads, and D) generally looking less than impressive in HOME games.
Am I the only one not fooled by Philip Rivers and the Chargers? Okay, so you’ve managed to amass a 4 – 1 record to start the season…good for you…but beating the Raiders, Titans, & 49ers doesn’t impress me. The Chargers are like the girl you think is good looking but turns around to reveal a colony of backfat. Sooner or later the Chargers have to turn around and when they do they’ll be exposed.
Moving on from disgusting things like backfat and the Chargers, two things really pissed me off on Sunday. The first was Little Nicky Saban’s decision to have Olindo Mare kick a field goal instead of going for the TD on 4th & 2 from about the 4 yard line, early in the game. If the Dolphins go for it and get the first or the TD they win and they cover. Instead, Saban has Mare kick the field goal from about 6 yards out and hopes for the best. Hey, Little Nicky, maybe instead of second guessing your players and their need of medical attention or what to get away from you, you should be second guessing yourself. The second thing that had me scratching my head was the play of the New Orleans Saints. I figured they’d be a better team this season, but I had no idea that hiring Baby Orca, signing Drew Brees and drafting Number 5 would have this big an impact on the team’s psyche to the point where they could pull of “upsets” against the Falcons and Eagles. Not only are the Saints looking like a playoff team right now (Drew’s got the touch & Joe is talking in the third person like nobody’s business), but they’re finding ways to win games no one outside of the 504 thinks they’ve got a chance to win. A quick look at their remaining schedule only has about 3 problem games for them too; at Pittsburgh, at Dallas and then at the Giants the second to last week of the season.
Much like the career of Ashton Kutcher, the fortunes of the Washington Redskins have been circling the drain for a while now and the biggest slap in the face a/k/a Waterworld 2; had to be this weekend’s loss to the Tennessee Titans. I was under the impression the Skins didn’t let anyone “into their house,” so you can imagine my surprise when I turned to the game to see everyone’s favorite punching bag of a rookie QB, VY, leading his team downfield against the supposedly superior Redskins. The final score was 25 – 22, but watching the game for even a few minutes you could tell that it wasn’t even that close. All kinds of weird college-type things were happening. The Titans were blocking punts; Young played most of the 4th with a sprained ankle; Travis Henry (you read that right) ran for 178 yards and I’m pretty sure the Stanford band came onto the field. One does have to ask the question if the Skins can’t hold a 14 – 3 lead on the Titans, is there a team out there that will still be worried about playing at FedEx Field?
To say the Bears took the Cardinals lightly going into last nights game would be the understatement of the year; right up there with Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning are good Quarterbacks or Daniel Snyder is the worst owner in Football (note: this honor could have very easily gone to Bayou Fist Benson, but his team is rolling right now and he hasn’t punched any camera men…yet). I know the Bears won, but they didn’t cover and not only did they not cover but they looked pretty terrible not covering for about 3 Quarters of the game.

Random Observations:
I was so disgusted during last nights Bears-Cardinals game I actually turned to Monday Night Raw…just for a minute, but I did.
Anyone catch Torry Holt’s catch against the Seahawks on Sunday? All I can say is wow. Wow and check it out for yourself.
They’re still playing baseball right? The season’s not over is it?
Around 11:10 last night I was getting ready to write, “well, there’s only 1 unbeaten team left in the NFL…”

Next Week:
Much like the guilty pleasure derived from watching one of Steven Seagal’s movies, I am greatly anticipating next Monday’s Giants-Cowboys game…certainly more so than the stinker NBC is throwing at us with the Seahawks and Vikings.
The Bye Week couldn’t have come at a better time for the following teams: Ravens and Bears. It’s only Tuesday, but I’m already liking: The Colts (no surprise there), Cardinals, Eagles & Patriots.

Week 5 Rundown (not to be confused with Breakdown)

2006-10-10T00:20:00.000-04:00

Culpepper Must've Spilled Talent on Love Boat, Sent to Room by Saban

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Week 5 Rundown (not to be confused with Breakdown)

Sometimes, when the Football gods are smiling down on us, they provide us with truly great football…a whole lot of truly great football; this was not one of those weekends. Oh sure, there were some “interesting” games, and some games that made you scratch your head, but for the most part I was thankful I wasn’t subjected to seven full hours of awful games.
Not so surprising, the Colts nearly lost for the third week in a row. Inexplicably, however; that near loss came at the hands of the mighty Tennessee Titans and Vince Young who right after I touted him on Sunday morning proceeded to throw for only 20 more yards than he ran. Seriously, the only guy with this much hype who had a worse weekend was Dane Cook. Mystified is probably the way I’d describe watching the Colts run defense allow the awesome duo of Travis Henry and LenDale White run roughshod all over them. I'm also seriously worried about their chances coming out of the bye week with their next 3 match ups against Washington, then at Denver and at New England. When I said last year that I thought maybe a loss would have been good for the Colts, I wasn’t actually serious.
The Giants came off their bye week and “made a statement” spanking the Redskins 19 – 3, but nothing really happened. Some people scored touchdowns, Jay Feely missed a field goal, people asked what exactly Daniel Snyder is spending his money on and Eli got imperceptibly better…give it time; by 2008 he should be able to take this team past the Wild Card Round. I remember, eating a burger and nursing my Sam Adams (I might as well have drank it through a crazy straw our waitress was that friggin’ slow), thinking to myself that if the Colts actually lost to the Titans it was entirely possible we’d have a repeat of last year’s Division Round game when I absolutely flipped after Mike "I took a mental holiday" Vandershank missed that kick.
Watching the Steelers piss one away against the Chargers I couldn’t help but think the Steelers are like that good looking friend you have that you take to bars with you so all the hot chicks will stand around. Problem is, you have to remind this friend to keep his mouth shut because he can’t close the deal and ends up sending all the chicks to the bathroom to laugh about you…the Steelers are that guy. They open up a 10 – 0 lead on San Diego, are actually getting pressure on Philip Rivers and manage to hold Tomlinson to negative 1 yard in the first quarter. Then Polamalu decides to go surfing or something and Roethlisberger reverts to his stellar Super Bowl performance…or lack thereof. I’ve never been one for sweeping proclamations or generalizations…just let that one go…but I’d be very surprised if Pittsburgh is still playing in January.
To add insult to injury this weekend, I actually thought I’d picked well and we all know I should’ve taken the Jags, but hey, whatcha gonna do? My misery continued on Monday night however, when the two most anemic offenses in the League squared off - in the rain - in Denver. By 11:15 I was so disgusted I had to turn the game off, Steve McNair had already thrown 2 picks, and was probably due for a third, and the 2 teams were locked in a thrilling 6 – 3 contest. So when it’s all said and done, not only does Baltimore screw me harder than Dennis Rodman let loose on Carmen Electra, but I get dropped into an 8-way tie for first place in my Football Pool, which I have no shot at winning because Steve McNair thought he was still in Tennessee and kept throwing to the guys in the blue jerseys.

Random Observations:
Anyone check out the introductions during Sunday night’s game? What the hell is up with Steelers Cornerback, Ike Taylor’s head? Seriously, he looks like Flattop from the Dick Tracy comics.
I must be psychic…McNair did throw a third interception; but still manages to out-pass Jake Plummer? Don’t worry Kyle, pretty sure Steve would have to throw like 7 in a game before you saw any action.
I am honestly surprised no one was shot or stabbed during the Eagles game. Not to say I think any less of the good people of Philadelphia, but c’mon.
When the hell did Maurice Drew of UCLA fame become Maurice Jones-Drew? Hey Mo, what happened, take your wife’s name? Graduate from college and decide to give yo mama some props?
John Madden doesn’t have a single bad thing to say about anyone. I don’t know why, but I find that very interesting.
Was Kornheiser wearing mittens in the booth on Monday night? Tirico and Theismann are there in blazers and Kornheiser’s got on a turtleneck, leather jacket, mittens and I’m not sure, but he might’ve been wearing earmuffs (you thought I was going to link to that gnarly broken leg video, didn’t you?).
It’s been about 8 hours and the Cowboys – Texans spread has already gone from 13-to-12.5.

Next Week:
The bodies aren’t even cold from Monday night’s game and I find myself drawn to the Tennessee – Washington spread like a moth to flame. Am I the only one who has a problem with the Redskins being favored by 10-points? Does anyone in Vegas watch games anymore or do they just throw darts?
I’m looking into munching on a cyanide capsule instead of having to take either the Lions or Bills.
Seattle (-3) at St. Louis. I have a bad feeling about this one; watch the Rams actually win.
Long post. Bedtime and Friday picks coming down the pipe…

Week 5 Breakdown

2006-10-08T11:51:00.000-04:00

Jake Plummer Claims to be Father of Poor Decisions

Week 5 Breakdown

Sunday, October 8, 2006

I sit here writing this still slightly cracked out from a bought with Pneumonia; that I obviously acquired when I went back in time and also got Polio; and also a little pissed at myself for not cranking out an installment this past Tuesday…sick or no sick. I’m feeling better now, and can actually focus on the keyboard, which I suppose is a plus, so before the games officially start I’m going to break them down and give you my picks…also, there will be no discussion of the Yankees recent bed-shitting although I’m fairly confident A-WOL/A-Fraud-A-Job/A-Ful/A-Choke might want to look into buying some property that doesn’t start with 1 – 0; just something to think about. Oh yeah, one more thing. Everyone knows I’m a pretty big Yankee fan. I’ve even been known to get slightly apoplectic when things don’t go the Yanks way (read, there was a time when I might’ve put my foot through the television screen after Moose gave up a home run with a 9 – 0 lead because I wanted the shutout) and I like wearing my lucky shirt to games; so I say this in the most tongue-in-cheek way. Jim Leyland, sipping friggin Champagne out of a flute while your players spray each other with beer because you got to the ALCS? Now Jimmy, I know you’re a nice guy but you might want to lay off the cigarettes…I hear they do nasty things to people…
And now, before any of you accuse me of wishing cancer on a certain Tigers manager…“the Picks.”

Home Team in CAPS

Titans at COLTS (-18.5)
Before I pick the colts, I’d just have to say everyone seems to be jumping on the Let’s All Shit on Vince Young bandwagon to which I ask, maybe should try to quarterback the Tennessee Titans. No? Not feeling up to it? Oh, then shut the hell up. In the meantime, Young was serviceable in his VERY FIRST NFL START (14 – 29 155 (Bledsoe only out-threw him by 24 yards), 1TD, 2INT [one just a poor throw trying to make the score look less terrible] John Elway’s first season he threw twice as many picks as he did touchdowns). That said, the Titans are going to get spanked and I see no reason why thy Colts can’t lay 56 on them. The Titans can’t run, Young has no one to throw to and Ohio State’s defense could probably hold the Colts to fewer points; especially now that the face tap-dancing Albert Haynesworth has been suspended until well after he’s still eating left over Halloween candy. So after I’ve ranted and raved about essentially nothing…
Colts.

Redskins at GIANTS (-4.5)
I don’t really understand how the Giants managed to look like Donkey vomit two weeks ago in Seattle and then become 4.5-point favorites at home against Washington. Then I think to myself, “Washington does stink and has a really suspect offense, maybe this thing could hold up.” I like the Giants coming off of a bye, I’d like to think that whatever is going on in their locker room got fixed and I think it’s put up or shut up time for Jeremy Shockey.
Giants.

Lions at VIKINGS (-6.5)
Picking the Vikings this week was probably the most painful thing I’ve had to do since I met David Schwimmer and told him I really liked “The Pallbearer.” Despite what’s happened so far this season, the Vikings really do stink; this whole winning thing is just an anomaly, like people being interested in who the father of Anna Nicole’s baby is or Josh Hartnett being taken seriously as an actor…it’ll pass. The Lions are awful though. Roy Williams just might be dumber than the demon spawn of K-Fed and Britney and John Kitna seems to have forgotten how to throw a football. Not to mention they have a nonexistent running game.
Vikings.

Bucs at SAINTS (-7)
The Saints look really good this year. I took them to beat Atlanta in their return to the Superdome and picked them to cover on the road against the Panthers. Yes, they lost but they covered and did have a chance to win. The Bucs are without their starting QB, who was nothing special anyway and their defense is (how do I say this nicely?) not good.
Saints.

Rams (-.3) at PACKERS
On Wednesday, when this game was a Pick ‘em, I took the Packers and I’ve got to say, I still like the Packers, even though they got demolished by the Eagles, I’ll give you four reasons why I took the Pack this week. 1) There isn’t a single QB playing better than Donovan McNabb, right now; 2) I just don’t trust the Rams, not one bit; 3) it’s tough to bet against Favre at home…especially when the chips are down; & 4) the Packers are home people, everything goes out the window when they play at Lambeau. And after all of my proclamations, the Rams probably drop 35 on them.
Packers.

Dolphins at PATRIOTS (-10)
I know I’m going to regret this one, just like that time I thought it might be fun to take the Chicken Nugget Challenge. I can see myself on Monday night, writing “I was fooled by the Pats blowout of the Bengals, on the road, but should’ve known that there’s no set rules for how things are supposed to play out when AFC East teams play. If anything take everything you think you know about a given AFC match-up and go in the opposite direction.” That said, if the good people of Miami weren’t still snorting blow and working on their tans they’d be riding around Biscayne Bay in Cigarette Boats, firing off rounds from M-16’s, calling for Joey Harrington…in the good way.
Patriots.

Bills at BEARS (-10)
Buffalo is averaging about 178 passing yards per game and that number should only go down when J.P. Losman and his mates go into Chicago. The Tulane Terror’s got a big arm but he tends to strong arm a lot of balls and fit them into places they can’t go. The Bears secondary should be able to walk away with at least two picks. Meanwhile Rex has the Bears offense on track, fourth in the NFC in passing with nearly 260 yards a game, and the duo of Thomas Jones & Cedric Benson should be able to rush for somewhere in the neighborhood of 150 yards. Anyone think 13 – 3 isn’t a realistic score?
Bears.

Browns at PANTHERS (-8)
I should’ve taken the Browns, but again I think I got fooled by the numbers. The Browns give up a whopping 346 total yards per game and they seem to be secretly competing with the Titans and Raiders for the right to the top pick in next years draft…which is stupid because only the Raiders need Brady Quinn and even he’s not a lock for Number 1 anymore. Not to mention, the Panthers are coming off of a huge win over the Division leading Saints (I know, looks weird in print doesn’t it?). I’m hoping that with a healthy Steve Smith and a happy defense Carolina will walk all over Cleveland. Also, why would I ever pick the city of Cleveland to ever win anything?
Panthers.

Jets at JAGUARS (-6.5)
The Jets Chad Pennington has only been out-passed by Peyton Manning while the Jags Rashean Mathis leads the AFC with 4 picks…something’s go to give. What’s probably going to happen is, the Jets won’t show up for this one. New York is coming off of a huge loss to Indy; they played the Colts tough but Peyton proved he’s still the best with an amazing Two-Minute Drill. The Jags have a stout (not in the Sam Adams way) defense, but are down some key players which if the Jets can get going means they’ll be running the ball a lot today.
Jets.

Chiefs (-3.5) at CARDINALS
Under normal circumstances this is one of those games I’d rather drink a Tainted Spinach Smoothie than bet on, but since I didn’t have that luxury (and you still can’t find Spinach in New York) I had to go with the Chiefs. I can’t figure either of these teams out. On paper, they should both be lights out but Kurt Warner has hamstrung the Cardinals like Jeff Gillooly while the surprising play of Brock Huard notwithstanding, not having Trent Green really hampers the way the Chiefs offense should run. Still Grandmama ran hard against Cal State last week and that shouldn’t change at the Pink Taco, er University of Phoenix Online Stadium…yes, that’s what they named it.
Chiefs.

Raiders at 49ERS (-.3.5)
The Raiders have scored 27 points all season. Their points have looked like this: 0, 6, Bye, & 21 (against Cleveland, so that’s more like 9). I’d take this spread if San Francisco was favored by 12, well, maybe not 12 but Oakland does suck harder than a Dyson.
49ers.

Cowboys at EAGLES (-1.5)
I have first hand experience so I’m perfectly confident when I say, people in Philadelphia are completely insane. When TO left last year they burned him in effigy and then held a mock funeral in the parking lot. The NFL says it’s beefing up security for the game? Oh really? Did you call every single guy from Fort Leonard Wood over for the game and station them on the sidelines, in the locker rooms and on the Cowboys bus? And even still, are a bunch of soldiers from the Philadelphia area really going to stop their brethren, dripping with Cheez Whiz and Yuengling, from tearing TO limb-from-limb? Sure, too many things can go wrong and the Eagles could get too amped for the game and blow it; but I trust McNabb and I trust the Eagles. No one trusts TO, Bledsoe or the Cowboys.
Eagles.

Steelers at CHARGERS (-3)
I’m still not sold on this whole Philip Rivers as a bonafide NFL passer thing. The Chargers are near the bottom of the League in passing yards and you can’t give Tomlinson the ball on every single down. The Steelers are actually good at stopping the run and stopping the pass. This is the Chargers second actual test, beating the Raiders and Titans means nothing, and they didn’t do so well on the first one last week against the Ravens. If San Diego loses, and I imagine they should, expect the “Fire Marty” chants to get a little louder.
Steelers.

Ravens at BRONCOS (-4)
If this game were being played in Baltimore the Ravens would be 7-point favorites. Think about that. Now ask yourself where the hell Jake Plummer has been this season. Ray Lewis is playing scary good and Steve McNair has been better than serviceable; which is all Billick ever wanted from Boller. Even with this game at Mile High, I don’t trust the Broncos. Also, the only time this season they covered was against a Patriots team that turned around and spanked the Bengals in Cincinnati the following week.
Ravens.

Madden Curse Update

2006-09-26T00:59:00.000-04:00

Baseball Deemed Unimportant by Steinbrenner as Yankees Drop 2-of-3 to FAMU JV Squad

Madden Curse Update

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Well, it had to happen sooner or later; I officially took leave of my senses and picked the incomparable and amazing Duante “I Suck Worse than the Newbie at the Bunny Ranch” Culpepper and the Dolphins to cover against the Titans on Sunday. Now, nevermind the Dolphins were giving 10.5 points…and the fact that I wrote last week that I was taking the Titans, I must’ve picked up a crack pipe and filled it with some horse glue right before I made my picks. Seriously, I had a horrible week and when it was all said and done, my picks ended up looking like Big Ben’s jaw after his run-in with Martha Fleishman’s windshield.
If you’re a football watcher, then this was a fantastic weekend. Some amazing games, great plays, Chad Pennington miraculously throwing the ball more than 10 yards, the Falcons getting served by the Saints worse than Bobby after Whitney gave him the papers. If you’re not a football watcher, I think my grandmother has a copy of House and Garden for you. Speaking of looking at things that are painfully boring, I couldn’t have possibly had a worse time watching the Jets and Bears eek out victories over teams that have looked great by virtue of playing crappy teams…correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t I pick the Vikings to finish at .500 this season? The Jets went into Orchard Park with something to prove and only proved that the Bills are worse than the Jets are good. The amazing and talented J.P. Loser…er, Losman, threw for 328 yards against the supposedly good Jets secondary; yeah, they’re so good I’m guaranteeing right now Peyton Manning will throw for more than 400 yards against the Jets this Sunday (sorry Ted). How do you throw for over 300 yards, not have the opposing QB out-throw you and still lose? Oh yeah, you have to have “Lose” in your name.
As for the Bears-Vikings game? I don’t actually think there was a “highlight.” Rex Grossman threw a dart to someone in one of the quarters but I had been lulled to sleep by the visual Morphine and was unable to fully register what was taking place. Looking back on it, watching “Hollywoodland” on Sunday was better than the Bears game; and when the best thing about your movie is Ben Affleck, there’s a serious, serious problem.
As a alluded to before, big news on Monday night when the Falcons (supposedly one of the best teams in the NFL) got their asses handed to them by the Saints. Now, I firmly believe we can chalk this up to more than just and emotional home opener. You tell me when wins over Carolina (who has shown nothing this season by the way), and Tampa Bay make you a Super Bowl contender. Vick is still a strong armed running back and John Abraham couldn’t handle all of the defensive load in New York, what makes Jim “I Only Have a Job Because of My Crazy Dad” Mora, Jr. think he can handle the load in the offensively talent-laden NFC South? I’ve said this from the beginning and I just hope it gets exposed this year; Mora is a bad coach and an even worse fit for Atlanta. Although talentless 49er Coordinators seem to have a knack for getting work in the NFL…see Mike McCarthy.

Random Observations:
My grandfather told me on Monday night, before the Falcons got beaten worse than a one-legged man in a kick-boxing contest, that he used to eat horse meat in France…and that it was quite tasty? Um, yeah.
Hey Jay Cutler, don’t think just because you’re not getting playing time in Denver you’re off the hook, you still suck…big time.
Still don’t think there’s a Madden Curse? Hey Shaun Alexander, how’s that broken foot? The one you broke in a freak accident on a freak play…? Think about it, the last guy not to be felled by this thing was Barry Sanders, and he retired…not to mention, no one has seen him in like 6 years.
How do J.P. Losman and Rex Grossman out-throw Peyton Manning, seriously how?

Next Week:
Home team in CAPS...genius
Cowboys (+9.5) at the TITANS
Am I the only one who has a problem with Dallas being favored by 9.5, on the road at Tennessee? I know the Titans stink worse than a stiff gym sock; but the Dolphins didn’t cover at home against them. I can’t expect Drew “Legs of Stone” Bledsoe to enable his team to a 10-point victory on the road. I will be taking the Titans (technically) for the second week in a row.
Colts (+9) at the JETS
Did you watch Peyton Manning this weekend; I mean really watch him? He did just enough to win against one of the best defenses in the NFL this season, no over-exertion or poor decision making…and the Jets sure as hell ain’t no Jaguars. Also, you can’t tell me there’s a Jets fan out there who wouldn’t rather have Byron Leftwich and Fred Taylor over Chad and whatever schmo they’ve got running the ball…even you Ted, don’t spit on my back and tell me it’s raining. Byron and Fred take the .500 Jets to the playoffs by themselves, enough is enough with the “we love Chad, he’s so good” BS. Uh, yeah, stop kidding yourselves…Colts.
49ers at the CHIEFS (+7)
Can anyone tell me why the Chiefs are 7-point favorites? Their starting QB still thinks he’s a bumblebee; their defense is more porous that well aged Guerie and so what they’re well rested; the only former New Yorker who gets talked about worse than Herm Edwards is Jennifer Aniston. Seriously, leave Herm alone, he took you assholes to the playoffs and did the best he could with Chad, who let’s face it, has only slightly more talent than Koy Detmer…That had nothing to do with the Chiefs, I know, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I’m taking the 49ers, but I won’t tell you why…and I might change my pick depending on how surly Larry Johnson is this week.

Week 2 Rundown

2006-09-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

Blue Jays Finish Third for 9th Year in a Row, Still Talking Smack

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Week 2 Rundown

This week was, in many respects, worse that last week. I was positive I had a handle on the way the games were going to shake out and after the 1, p.m. games ended and I was 6-for-9, I was feeling pretty damn good about myself. But it seems like I’ve been picking so badly I feel like I’ve been worked over by Keller in the shower. I know it’s early in the season, but this doesn’t really help a guy’s confidence; especially when he looks back on his old work and says, “now that’s how you do it!” To that end I’m going to attempt, the oft sought after but rarely achieved, Perfect Week. It’s in print now, so there’s no taking it back and I’ve got 15 more weeks to work on falling on my face, so here goes.
First things first however, let’s briefly discuss Maurice Clarett who will be spending at least the next 3 and a half years as a guest of the State of Ohio, doing more than trying to protect the ball and probably a lot of blocking for his receivers. Interestingly enough, Clarett joins the ranks of crazy running backs who decide to grow interesting facial hair. My bold prediction for MoC is that he comes out a changed man, ready to help contribute to society and handy with making a license plate. Any takers on the Over-Under on MoC coming out praying to Allah and not diggin’ on swine? I’m going to say: 63%.
Since it’s Wednesday and this was supposed to drop yesterday and spreads don’t come out until today and get closer to being realistic tomorrow I just might start double-installments of the TMQB for a while, while I’m making my picks.

Week 3:
Jets at BILLS (-5.5)
This one should be a no-brainer (I feel like I said that last week). Considering the Jets have no offensive line, running backs or secondary to speak of; while the Bills seem to be this years version of the Bears, i.e. 2 – 0, no thanks to an awful quarterback and anemic offense. I’ll take the Bills at home to cover, and then some, against the Jets.

Bengals at STEELERS (-2)
This one is tough for a lot of reasons. Chad Johnson was more punch-drunk after that shot he took than Tyson was after Robin Givens got through with him; Big Ben had more dust on him than the other side of Carson Daly’s bed and Bill, and his massive chin, might be one tirade short of stroking out in front of the bench. The Bengals offense can definitely put up more points than the Jags and the Steelers, especially Ben, need another week to get into groove. Bengals linebacker David Pollack is done for the season with a broken neck and safety Dexter Jackson is doubtful. Still, I like the Bengals in this spot. Carson Palmer is healthy and certainly wants to avenge last years quite literally crippling loss…even though Kimo will be nowhere in sight. Bengals to cover.

Redskins (4) at TEXANS
Picking this game is like trying to decide between the brown lettuce or the lobster left in the sun and then stuffed with raw spinach at the salad bar; either way you’re coming out a loser. The Redskins and their $2 Million dollar Offensive Coordinator look pathetic, while David Carr and the Texans are only slightly better than the Browns. The Redskins have no offense to speak of and the Texans aren’t really interested in playing defense; this one could get interesting. Texans.

Titans at DOLPHINS (-10.5)
This has to be one of the most laughable spreads of the week. The Dolphins and Titans have both scored 23 points in 2 games and while Tennessee looks completely lost, Miami should be much, much better. Considering both teams absolutely suck, I’d say you have to go with the home team; but let’s face it, I’ve got a better shot at bedding both Hilton sisters than Miami does beating Tennessee by 11.

Random Observations:
It’s not like this is all my fault, the Dolphins, Cardinals and Jake Plummer also helped out with all around crappy play.
Am I the only one who thinks Baby Suri was made in a lab over at Freakshow HQ?
Everyone’s busily talking about how Jake Plummer might lose his job, but the Dolphins might’ve actually been better off with Headbutt Gus.
Evidently most of the Yankees seem to hate ARod as much as the haters in this City do.

Next Week:
I like the Bills, Bengals, Colts, Titans, Texans, Bears & Panthers. Hey Simms, score some points and I’ll pick the Bucs.
After clinching their 9th straight Division Title, the Yankees celebrate by beating ARod like Private Pyle in FMJ.
David Ortiz opens his mouth, inexplicably not to put a doughnut in it, to complain about the MVP race again.

EPO Update Special

2006-09-12T12:03:00.000-04:00

Chargers Open with Win Over University of Oakland

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

EPO Update Special

Brett Favre and the Packers picked up where they left off last season, sucking big time. Brett continued to sully his reputation throwing 2 picks in a 26 – 0 beat down, at home, at the hands of the Chicago Bears. As putrid as the Packers looked on Sunday, they couldn’t hold a candle to the absolutely rancid (like mayonnaise left in the sun in July in Texas) performance of the Oakland Raiders last night. I was watching the Raiders “play football,” while trying to suppress my gag reflex, wondering not only how Aaron Brooks suddenly became immobile, but if he forgot how to actually thrown the ball as well. Hey Al, still think Michael Huff was a better pick than Matt Leinart? Yeah, looks like he really helped to improve that defense!
Speaking of the soon-to-be proud papa, Leinart watched as his Cardinals somehow let the San Francisco offense score 27 points, which is just inexplicable to me; right up there with how Kim Basinger is still allowed to make movies. I know the Cardinal defense stinks but c’mon, this is tiny-handed Alex Smith running an offense who’s best player might be a rookie tight end who lost a fumble and mis-ran his routes on Sunday. Actually, what am I talking about? Of course Vernon Davis is San Francisco’s best player…I can’t even name three 49ers beyond Smith, Gore and Davis.
Chad Pennington was proving me wrong on Sunday. I, like an idiot, took the Titans at home figuring that as bad as they are, they were playing the Jets who I thought were that much worse. If I were a Jets fan I wouldn’t be celebrating just yet. I’d be trying to remind myself that my team, the Syracuse of the NFL just beat the Memphis State of the NFL and try to prepare myself for surefire implosions against New England and Buffalo.
I’m looking forward to this week’s games. I should be, considering the performance I put in this week. I was like a mule in a race with old thoroughbreds; everything started out well but when it was over I was choking on their dust. Now, considering I’m in a weekly pool, maybe it wouldn’t be the smartest thing in the world to dissect a couple of my picks. On the other hand, since I did go a Losmantastic 6-for-15 last week (40% for those of you keeping score at home), maybe I’m hoping you’ll pick the opposite team as me and lose.
Panthers at Vikings (Somehow, No Line)
Considering the way the Panthers played, at home no less, against the Falcons; I don’t trust them to go up to Minnesota and beat the Vikings. Brad Johnson looked better than serviceable picking apart the Redskin secondary and if Troy Williamson gets a week to practice how to catch this should be a no brainer. But remember last year when I said the Panthers were streakier than an 8 year-olds underpants? I’m standing by that. I still like the Vikes, spread should be 2.5 by game time.
Texans at Colts (-11)
Even Jessica Simpson isn’t stupid enough to take the Texans.
Patriots (-6) at Jets
It’s amazing the Jets go into Tennessee and win and then come home and are still 6 point dogs to the Pats. Did anyone not see the Pats play on Sunday? Not to mention, players should be pissed this week knowing they won’t have Branch for the rest of the reason.

Random Observations:
Aaron Brooks might just be the worst QB in the NFL. He’s no J.P. Losman, but still…pretty bad.
It’s a frightening thought that the Jets could be 3 – 0 by September 25th…yikes!
Dude, Leinart, what are you thinking? Seriously, you deserve to be punched in the face by Kurt Warner’s wife a/k/a Susan Powder.
Big Papi thinks he should win the MVP award for sitting out two weeks and having a big bat? Play the field and shut your mouth fatty!

Next Week:
The Colts should hang at least 30 on the Texans.
You know how ugly last night’s Raiders/Chargers game was? Wait until Tennessee visits San Diego.
What should’ve been a great Broncos/Chiefs match up will have lower ratings than reruns of Veronica Mars.
I like the Giants on the road in Philly. They played the Colts tough.

NFL Prediction Spectacular, Part Deux

2006-09-06T12:30:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

NFL Prediction Spectacular, Part Deux

We’ve already covered the NFC, although some of you have made it known you were less than happy with the way the Divisions shaped up. To you I say, in the immortal words of Homer J. Simpson, “if you don’t like it, go to Russia!” That said, lets get down to business and handicap ourselves the AFC.

American Football Conference
There’s no doubt about it, the AFC is the American League to the NFC’s National. Think of the AFC like the Sheen/Estevez Family; they’re a little crazy, they seem to grab more headlines and there’s a much higher chance one of them is going to do something crazy just to see if he can get away with it (I’m thinking mainly of the marriage to Paula Abdul and brief Demi Moore engagement). The disparity usually shows up best in head-to-head match ups, something is lost during the Super Bowl (what should’ve been a Pittsburgh blowout) and guys could care less about showing up to play in Hawaii with nothing on the table…You really think Chad Johnson is calling up DeAngelo Hall in the middle of May, being like, “yo, you got served back in February, son!” Well, maybe not Chad Johnson, but you get the point.

AFC East
The East is pretty strong and a bear of a Division to figure out. You’re almost assured of the Bills beating the Patriots 31 – 0 to open the season and then losing by the exact same score a few weeks later…The East is the Martin Sheen Division (you thought the West was going to be the Marty Sheen Division, didn’t you?). Once respectable, they went through a rough patch but in recent years have come on strong with a string of hits and even on their worst day (Jets and Bills; or worse, Jets v. Bills) they’re still dangerous.
Dolphins 10 – 6 (Once again, who would you rather have throwing to you, Frerotte or Culpepper?)
*Patriots 10 – 6 (Tom Brady will find a way, that’s what he does…more on Brady later this week)
Bills 6 – 10 (They might improve slightly over last year, but their QB is still Losmantacular!)
Jets 4 – 12 (I just don’t see how they can succeed, especially without Curtis Martin)

AFC North
The Emilio Estevez Division. They were a little crazy in the 70’s & 80’s with the Steel Curtain (and yes, I know the North didn’t exist in the 70’s & 80’s but still) and unnecessarily brash Art Modell pissing people off every other week. Then came a long, long, LONG dry spell (Ray & Super Bowl MVP Trent Dilfer notwithstanding) but now with the recent success (or new movie) respectability might be the only thing keeping you from rehab…I’m looking at you Jamal Lewis. FYI: This Division is pretty much up for grabs; with the exception of the Browns, everyone has a shot…well, maybe not the Ravens, not really.
Steelers 10 – 6 (Their D is stout and they won’t miss Big Ben that much this week)
Ravens 9 – 7 (Ray made me promise, he made me)
Bengals 8 – 8 (Too many distractions this season, I think a step back is in the cards)
Browns 6 – 10 (My soccer playing cousin has a stronger arm than Charlie Frye)

AFC South
The Robert Downey Jr., Division. The best friend who is more popular than the rest of the family combined, not as flashy as Charlie and not as much hardware either, the South still brings it and seems to flame out (usually from self-sabotage or self-doubt) continually just before making it to the top. I expect big things from the Colts (surprise, surprise), but I think the Jags and possibly the Texans will still give some other teams a lot of trouble.
Colts 13 – 3 (Cato June frightens me and Peyton Manning could throw 25 TD’s in his sleep)
Jaguars 10 – 6 (They’re good, but can’t challenge the Colts without Jimmy Smith)
Texans 6 – 10 (I’d definitely want Ron Dayne instead of Reggie Bush, wouldn’t you?)
Titans 5 – 11 (Bad things are going to happen if Vince Young gets to start before Week 6)

AFC West
The Charlie Sheen Division. The younger brother (a lot of old AFL teams here) and they get a little rambunctious at times. Usually a good smack upside the head by older brother Emilio or dear old dad can knock some sense into Chuck. The Broncos are the best team in this division by virtue of the Chargers losing their starting QB and relying on a guy who’s taken like 3 NFL snaps, while the Chiefs are a year older and lost a huge hole-creator and Pro Bowl Tackle in Willie Roaf.
Broncos 12 – 4 (There is an inverse relationship between Jay Cutler’s number of snaps and the Broncos wins)
*Chiefs 11 – 5 (I expect big things from Tamba Hali and the Baby Chiefs D)
Raiders 9 – 7 (Al Davis hasn’t been this happy to start a season since he helped Grandpa and Ox find the Hellfish Bonanza)
Chargers 6 – 10 (I trust Philip Rivers about as much as Denise trusted Charlie)

So there it is. My NFC & AFC predictions are now set. See above if you disagree.
Tomorrow, the Playoff Prediction Spectacular. Expect the Colts to go far...

Bobby Bowden Beatdown Special

2006-09-05T01:00:00.000-04:00

Clock Broken in Pittsburgh, Tiger Wins, Can’t Spell

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Bobby Bowden Beatdown Special

Hey kids, guess what happened this weekend? Anyone want to take a stab; not you Ray; at who won the Deutsche Bank Championship on Monday, shooting 8 under on the day? No takers? Yeah, I’m at a loss too. Was it that Phil Nickelson guy (what my mother calls him)? You know, the one with the man boobs, snide look on his face and the wife that’s way out of his league? It wasn’t him? Oh, that’s funny I remember everyone saying he was the best a couple months ago; I haven’t been following that much golf, what happened?
There was some less expected news in the sports world this weekend, Chargers staring Linebacker Steve Foley was shot outside his home three times; apparently in the arm, leg and chest; by an off-duty police officer. Considering the news broke late Sunday night, the story has already changed about 17 times and the hospital isn’t granting access to Foley doesn’t bode well…for anybody involved. Seriously, what is it with NFL players being a magnet for gun violence?
Got to give a special shout out to the Spanish National Team for treating the Greeks like they stole the big pot of paella. I should actually be happy considering I understand Spanish, I like Churros and the Greeks did beat the US; dropping 101 on them in the process. But I’m actually even more upset because even after the US beat the Argentines in the Bronze medal game just knowing that Spain wasted the Greeks worse than Lindsey Lohan at Orchid kinda hurts. Spain’s defense allowed Greece to score an eye-popping 47 points while the mighty Greeks only let their Spanish counterparts score 70.
Florida State and Miami played to a “thrilling” 13 – 10 finish Monday night. The game was offered on 15 of the 20 EPSN channels with tons of camera angels and other goodies to fill the programming void; but it just didn’t do it for me; not when you’ve got the ‘Noles and the Canes, two heavyweights duking it out in the ring. Maybe when Texas Christian plays UAB, fine, give me a defensive showdown but honestly if I wanted to watch 2 teams march up and down the field and not score on each other I’ll just tune into the Jets – Texans game in Week 12.
Now to the task at hand, discussing the NFL news of the week starting with one time (for about a day) Jets running back Lee Suggs being released by the Browns and quickly snapped up by the Dolphins. Under normal circumstances, I’d say the Browns made the right move but Nick Saban scares me a little bit and seems to be able to get a whole lot from his players. Maybe being handed the ball by someone who can rip his head off will give Suggs the motivation he needs.
It’s official, Bill Belichick wakes up every morning, reaches for a bottle marked “Crazy” and downs 3 pills with his morning coffee. After the Patriots basically told their Super Bowl MVP Quarterback, Tom Brady, we don’t care what you think the team gave another SBMVP, Deion Branch, until 4, p.m. Friday to seek a trade with a team that was willing to meet his contract demands. Poor Deion didn’t just find one team, he found two; with the Jets and Seahawks both willing to give him far more than the half-eaten bag of peanuts, Shasta Cola and used Band-aid the Patriots were offering. So what do Bill and the rest of the cold weather addled brain trust do up there? They reject the Jets offer (believed to be a 2nd round pick) and essentially tell Branch to have fun not having any money since the team is also fining him something like $15,000 a day.
I am so excited about the start of the season on Thursday night it’s insane!

Random Observations:
I’m about 95% sure Amelie Mauresmo should be playing on the ATP instead of the WTA, and I’m about 100% sure she could whip that punk Lleyton Hewitt.
The Yankees beat their farm team a/k/a Kansas City Royals last night and gave a few young kids a chance to showcase their talent, hoping for a call up next year.
The hospital food in the Pittsburgh area must be awesome!

Next Week:
Sunday Night Eli learns what it means to be little brother. Colts 38, Giants 13.
I can’t believe I’m writing this…the Mets “Magic Number” should be about 8.

NFL Prediction Spectacular

2006-09-03T18:11:00.000-04:00

Sunday, September 03, 2006

NFL Prediction Spectacular

Since we’re actually starting the Tuesday Morning Quarterback off on the right foot this season and starting at the beginning of the season I’m pretty geeked about September, because aside from January…and maybe April, it’s the greatest football month of the year. Every year, my dad and I handicap all of the major sports (read, MLB & NFL) all the way down to the World Series or Super Bowl, respectively. I’ve been pretty good at this the last few years (easier for baseball because you pick the Yankees and Red Sox and then representatives from the Central & West) sooner or later I’ll have it down to a science. Today we’ll be kicking off with the NFC, tomorrow it’s the AFC and then I’ll do the Playoffs on Tuesday (another double installment comin’ at ya!), then I’ll wait a while before dropping some Super Bowl knowledge on you.

National Football Conference
Let’s face it the NFC is like the Baldwin family. Together they’re respectable with a sizable set of accomplishments to their credit (not all of them good), and maybe a few tricks up their collective sleeve, but for the most part they’ve become forgotten and overshadowed by younger (younger), better looking (faster) and more talented actors (players).

NFC East
Since I just can’t bring myself to trust the Redskins or Cowboys (mainly because I hate the Redskins and the Cowboys, especially the Tuna/Bledsoe version, seem to be especially fond of implosion and adding T.O. to that Partridge Family just reeks of an E! True Hollywood Story) I’m going to go with the Giants winning the East, they did win it last year…debacle at the Meadowlands notwithstanding. I know what you’re thinking. “Jesus, Elliott, how much crack with glue sprinkled on it are you smoking these days?” I don’t care, I’m going with the Giants.
Giants 11 – 5 (Pretty sure I had Eli, Tiki & the Defense all rated highly)
Redskins 9 – 7 (Joe Gibbs needs a dribble cup and Mark Brunell is 75)
Cowboys 9 – 7 (I’m laying a Sawbuck on T.O. being benched by the Orca before Week 6)
Eagles 7 – 9 (Donovan is great, blah blah, blah, but Stallworth is no T.O.)

NFC North
This is, with the exception of perhaps the NFC West, the absolute worst Division in football. It’s like the William Baldwin of the NFL; the only thing you’ve got going for you is that you kind of look like Alec (NFC East) but even at his most fat, bloated and divorced he’s still got more talent than you’ll ever have.
Bears 11 – 5 (The Bears could cruise to 10 wins in this Division with J.P. Losman at QB)
Vikings 8 – 8 (Mummified Brad Johnson is one big hit away from crumbling into dust)
Lions 6 – 10 (This team will stink as long as they keep Millen employed)
Packers 5 – 11 (If by the grace of god the Packers win more than 5 games I will fly to Atlanta and kiss Favre’s ring)

NFC South
The NFC South is better than the North by a fair amount, but again only has one very strong team. They’re more like the Daniel Baldwin of the NFC; respectable and they resemble Alec, but...they’re not.
Panthers 12 – 4 (They’re still head and shoulders above everyone else in the South)
Falcons 9 – 7 (John Abraham makes them better, but he doesn’t throw TD's either)
Bucs 8 – 8 (I think Gruden wants to be in Tampa as much as I want to be in Hoboken)
Saints 5 – 11 (They’ve got to improve with Reggie Bush and Drew Brees, they’ve got to!)

NFC West
The West is the Stephen Baldwin on the NFC. Used to be a big ticket, completely bottomed out, reformed, but still not very good, and now won’t shut up about it. The West has a very good team, one on the rise (maybe two depending on what Linehan is able to do with Stephen Jackson and Marc Bulger) and one team that stinks out loud.
Seahawks 11 – 5 (They’ll be good, but not as good as last year)
Cardinals 8 – 8 (Everything should fall into place nicely for Dennis Green)
Rams 6 – 10 (Better, but not great)
49ers 4 – 12 (They couldn’t even win the Pac-10 right now)

Tomrrow, I handicap the AFC although it should be no secret that I'm pretty high on the Colts.

WNBA Finals Preview

2006-08-29T10:02:00.000-04:00

Little Leaguers Don’t Need Help of Monster to Defeat Japanese

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

WNBA Finals Preview

So I’m sitting there last night, getting ready to start my fantasy draft, I’ve got a king size Bud Light near my right hand and a beer stein full of water on my left. I’ve got all the skill position players ranked 1 through 10 and even though we haven’t even started, I’m feeling pretty good with the fourth pick. Then, in typical fashion, things go south. If everyone knows that our draft is supposed to start at 8:45, why is it that it’s 8:25 and there’s one Ass Clown who hasn’t joined the league yet? I mean, c’mon man if you’ve got a job that requires you to be there past 8, p.m. on a daily basis then maybe fantasy football isn’t for you.
Done with that league, if it takes you longer to get yourself together than a Courtney Love stint in rehab, I want nothing to do with you. Perhaps Greg Anderson should be telling that to Barry Bonds. Bonds’ former trainer, the aforementioned steroid munching Anderson, is heading back to prison after refusing to cooperate with the grand jury. Just a thought for the California Penal System; might not be the best of ideas to have a roided up guy with knowledge of steroids running around general pop mixing license plate paint and backing soda, hmm?
I’m not really going to dwell on Tiger Woods winning yet another tournament, I think I’ve said everything that there is to say, and people have written all there is to write. But I am a little curious because even if Elin isn’t at the tournament that week, the networks should be obligated to show her at least twice an hour.
In his ongoing effort to continue taking money from the Yankees without actually doing anything in return, Carl Pavano concealed two broken ribs he sustained in a car accident two weeks ago. Thanks to his guaranteed contract, Pavano can look forward to sitting on his (once injured) ass while collecting the remaining $20 Million on his contract. No word yet on whether George is going to ask for any money back but I’m guessing with this new mustache fiasco they’ll stay mum. Pavano is scheduled to make his final rehab start in Durham on Wednesday and I’m guessing between now and then he’ll stub a toe or come down with a case of Swine Flu.
In other baseball related news, and perhaps some of the last for a couple weeks, the Red Sox have sent the Spanish Viagra nibbling David Ortiz home for tests on an irregular heart beat. Rather than directly make fun of the guy with the irregular heart beat, I’ll just ask what’s a 300 pound guy doing taking Elevex in the first place?
It’s nice to see the Saints are trying to win right away to give the good people of New Orleans something to feel good about. Trading Donte’ Stallworth to the Eagles for basically a third down linebacker seems like a pretty good start. Maybe it’s a give and take with Saints owner Bam Bam Benson. Sign an inexperienced coach, then sign Drew Brees. Draft Reggie Bush, then trade Stallworth. What’s next, make the playoffs, then move to LA? If Benson really wants to help out New Orleans and the Saints, he should beat up Dan Snyder and then sell the team to Mark Cuban.
The Andre Agassi Farewell Tour rolled on last night after encountering a speed bump in the form of Andrei Pavel. Agassi needed over three hours to beat the Romanian who admitted he thought, “I have him!” but we all know thinking you’ve got Andre Agassi beat is dumber than CBS’s decision to green light Survivor, Racism Edition. I’m hoping Andre can at least hold on for a little while, I’d like to see another one of those great late-tournament matches, like the one he and James “I only play good tennis in alternating weeks” Blake gave us last year.

Random Observations:
Former relief pitcher, Jeff Reardon, was found not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect in the wake of his robbing a jewelry store last year. Makes me a little nervous, Romo is bound to do something crazy. Do you think he’s stockpiling prescription meds?
When did Johnny Damon and Jason Giambi agree with Sal Fasano that there needed to be more dirty mustaches in the Yankee Clubhouse?
Are the Packers really that bad? I watched MNF last night and wow! Last time I saw a beating that bad, Ken Shamrock was leaving the Octagon looking like the kid from Mask after being touched up by Tito Ortiz.

Next Week:
The TMQB’s Special Edition NFL Season Prediction Spectacular.
Brett Favre starts to rethink this whole comeback thing.
Fragile Chad injures himself yet again, fans rejoice in Hempstead.

PGA Championship Wrap Up

2006-08-22T10:03:00.000-04:00

Papi Only Member of Sox not Having Trouble Getting Lift

PGA Championship Wrap Up

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Things Thankfully not Covered in this Week’s Installment:
The status of Burgermeat Barbaro.
Current levels of testosterone in Floyd “Bizarro Kid Rock” Landis.
Jay Cutler; in any way, shape or form.

Remember a few months ago when everyone was talking about how Tiger’s had lost “it” and it was time for Phil Mickelson (manboobs and all) to take the reigns of golf in a new, couch potato, Krispy Kreme eating, bacon grease dribbling down his chin, poor shot selecting, crumble under pressure direction? Remember? Yeah, apparently Tiger remembers too, that’s why he (for the second Major in a row) Iked the entire field to pocket Major Number 12 and move into Second Place on the All-Time list behind Jack himself.
It’s not like I wanted this to happen and I certainly wouldn’t say I’m happy about it (unlike Mets fans, Yankee fans could care less what happens to the Mets), but I do remember saying the Mets were walking a slippery slope relying on Pedro and Tom Glavine. The former is on the DL for an indeterminate amount of time while reports were that the latter’s career could possibly be over. Sure the Mets are better than everybody else in the NL but I don’t think the likes of John Maine, Victor Zambrano and El Duque (67 year old arm and all) exactly strike fear in the hearts of the other playoff contenders. Although the news might not be all bad, as early Tuesday morning sources said Glavine could be ready to go as soon as next week. Your guess is as good as mine, but I still think Willie Randolph shouldn’t breathe easy until November.
Also trying to stay in the playoff hunt are the Blue Jays but every time they try to get on track and make the impossible leap over the Red Sox and Yankees weird things start to happen. Things like a pitcher and manager getting into a visibly heated exchange on the mound; not so uncommon, followed by alleged fisticuffs…slightly less common. So obviously the question on everyone’s mind, or at least on mine, is what the hell is John Gibbons doing trying to fight all of his players? First he challenged Shea Hillenbrand to a fight in July, which I’m just guessing would not have ended badly for the 6’1” 210 Hillenbrand. Then he allegedly charges Ted Lilly in the tunnel leading to the clubhouse and ends up getting his nose bloodied. You know, if things don’t work out with Gibbons, I’m sure Albert Belle is looking for a job managing.
Speaking of tempers, mammoth egos and god complexes, T.O. is still on the shelf with that nagging hamstring injury and is set to have another MRI to find out what’s going on. Meanwhile, Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones continues to dilute himself saying there’s nothing wrong and that Owens isn’t angry at Parcells for not being cleared to play. I’m waiting for Dallas papers to start having headlines that read, “T.O. being T.O.” Funny thing is, T.O. is good enough to just decide to play half the games this season and still have a better season than say, Justin McCareins (for example).

Random Observations:
Sergio Garcia needs to seriously stop hating. Serg, dude, win a f-ing Major first, then talk shit. Anyone out there honestly think that if Woods had set his sights on baseball of football instead or golf that he wouldn’t be better than ARod or Tom Brady? Defy me, I dare you.
Since Gibbons likes starting fights he can’t possibly win, I suggest he join the UFC.
The Mets don’t learn do they? Going after Shawn Green? Last time I checked, he might be observant like Koufax but he sure can’t pitch.
I care about Notre Dame and their National Championship chances almost as much as I care about the supposed Pesto shortage-causing hailstorms in Italy.

Next Week:
The Zombie flu affecting Sox pitcher Julian Tavarez will continue to spread to the rest of the staff.
Barry hits another home run, maybe he doesn’t…even people in San Francisco don’t even seem to care anymore.
The Arizona Cardinals new stadium probably gets a name, but not the one I’m holding out for.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback's Fantasy Draft Spectacular

2006-08-22T00:59:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The moment you've all been waiting for has finally arrived. Before, I was just teasing you like a schoolyard bully or the pages of Maxim; but now it's for real. So without further adieu, I give you the Tuesday Morning Quarterback's Fantasy Draft Spectacular.
I will be rating the top 5 players at all skill positions as well as my top 10 reach players that could make or break your Fantasy season. I’ve even rated Linebackers and Defensive Ends for those of you in those weirdo leagues that chart that type of stuff.

Quarterback:
In many respects, this should seem like a no brainer...especially for me. And you know what, it is; Peyton Manning. The loss of Edge James means that Mr. I Can Read the Hell out of a Defense, as long as it's not Playoff Time, will just have to work a little harder. I'm pretty sure he's up to the task. After that it gets a little hazy because of late season injuries and random acts of stupidity.
1) Peyton Manning (Ind.) - Let's face it, the dude is nothing if not reliable.
2) Tom Brady (New) - The guy threw for over 4,000 yards last season. Great TD/Int. Ratio.
3) Matt Hasselbeck (Sea.) - Average last 3 seasons: 3,500 yards, over 20 TD's, nuff said.
4) Carson Palmer (Cin.) – Off-season knee surgery aside, he's one of the best. Careful if he takes too long coming back.
5) Eli Manning (NYG) or Trent Green (KC) - Both could have big seasons. Way I see it, Eli is due for a true breakout while Trent is streakier than a 10 year olds underpants.

Running Back:
This position is a little dangerous, generally because the guys are a little older and with a guy who touches the ball almost as much as the quarterback, there's always a chance something could go wrong.
1) Shaun Alexander (Sea.) - Despite the loss of Hutchinson he's still one of the best at what he does.
2) Tiki Barber (NYG) - Led the League in total yards last season and Eli is more mature.
3) Larry Johnson (KC) - The full load goes to him with an injured Padre.
4) LaDainian Tomlinson (SD) - Could be #2 but for Phil Rivers.
5) Steven Jackson (StL) - Balanced back that should get a lot of touches this season

Wide Receiver:
Receivers for the most part have the easiest job. Run down the field, catch the ball. A good QB can make terrible/mediocre receivers look good; See: Tom Brady or Matt Hasselbeck.
1) Steve Smith (Car.) - His numbers might take a slight dip with Keyshawn around, but he's still amazing.
2) Marvin Harrison (Ind.) - Minus Edge just means more balls thrown his way.
3) Larry Fitzgerald (Ari.) - He makes me happy like knowing Snakes on a Plane almost got beat by a movie about NASCAR.
4) Anquan Boldin (Ari.) - Honestly, no better 1-2 receiving tandem in the league (that plays up to this talent level).
5) Reggie Wayne (Ind.) - I expect big things...but I'm allowed.

Tight End:
The tight end position has taken on a whole new dynamic in the last few seasons. Ever since ex-basketball players like Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates brought athleticism (read, the ability to jump more to the position, tight end isn't just for Kyle Brady and Liberace anymore.
1) Antonio Gates (SD) – C’mon, I just wrote the dude’s name down.
2) Todd Heap (Bal.) – McNair sure as hell isn’t Kyle Boller, which is a really good thing.
3) Jeremy Shockey (NYG) – Better Eli means one of the best Fantasy TE’s gets better.
4) Tony Gonzalez (KC) – Great pick up, unless Trent Green decides to pull a Glenn Foley and suck.
5) Randy McMichael (Mia.) – Going out on a limb here, but who would you rather have throwing you the ball, Culpepper or Gus Frerotte?

Linebacker:
Unless you’re sniffing some high quality Funny Cide brand horse glue, you should already know who comes in at No. 1, trouble starts when you rank 2 – 4.
1) Brian Urlacher (Chi.) – Until they prove otherwise, he still leads the best defense in the League.
2) Jonathan Vilma (NYJ) – Jets fans should just be happy one of their guys made the list.
3) Zach Thomas (Mia.) – Stud for the Dolphins last year with over 160 tackles. Look for him to be pissed JT is divorcing his sister too.
4) Ray Lewis (Bal.) – Ray made me promise to put him on the list. There you go Ray, now put the shank down.
5) Keith Bulluck (Ten.) – With David Thornton coming over from Indy (I refuse to discuss this further), Keith could be a madman this season.

Defensive Line:
This is basically the Defensive End category and we all know who’s coming in with the top spot.
1) Dwight Freeney (Ind.) – You know what the man is capable of…
2) Jason Taylor (Mia.) – I have a hard time ranking him #2, but honestly no one else is better.
3) John Abraham (Atl.) – Johnny should go ape not being in New York, although Herm was a good defensive coach…we’ll see.
4) Michael Strahan (NYG) – Pretty sure all that talk about “alternative lifestyles” will rouse the Sack King out of his slight 2005 stupor, having LaVar backing you up doesn’t hurt either.
5) Derrick Burgess (Oak.) – Art Shell knows how to coach a defense.

Team Defense:
We’ve already touched on No. 1, but what may be surprising, or not so surprising considering my Colt affinity is No. 2.
1) Chicago Bears – Brian Urlacher + Lovie Smith + Ron Rivera
2) Indianapolis Colts – They’re my dogs…and Mike Doss hits harder than Semi with it’s break line cut.
3) Carolina Panthers – Peppers and the boys are just really, really good.
4) Pittsburgh Steelers – Trotter says a lot of stupid stuff, but he backs it up.
5) New York Giants – No reason they shouldn’t be in the top 5 if the LB’s stay healthy.

Makers/Breakers:
This is the fun part, because you could look back on some of these guys around Week 6 and think, “damn, I should’ve picked him. Sure, he could’ve sucked worse than the previews of “The Covenant” but he also could’ve been as good as my picking up Dwight Freeney in the early rounds…wow, what a great pick that was!”
1) Kurt Warner (Ari.) – This guy could either do amazing things with that offense or have you fellating an exhaust pipe by mid-October.
2) Reggie Bush (NO) – Sure, it's a sexy pick but the guy's a rookie and going to be splitting the load with Deuce. Not to mention, he didn’t look all that great against Dallas last night.
3) Drew Bledsoe (Dal.)– With TO in the fold could make for a nice pick, but his TD-to-INT ratio scares me a little bit. Not to mention, you never know which Drew is going to show up.
4) Edge James (Ari.) – Too many factors at play in AZ, the O-Line is nowhere near as good as it was in Indy; not to mention Edge is no Marshall Faulk.
5) Terrell Owens (Dal.) – You’re salivating thinking about taking him right now, I know it. Personally, I think taking Owens is like leaving your blood soaked finger in a Wolf’s mouth, sooner or later…
6) Chad Johnson (Cin.) – Not going to lie, I really like him, but my boy RW gets first dibs on props.
7) Clinton Portis (Was.) – I’m worried about the shoulder; but not nearly as worried that Joe Gibbs thinks Doug Williams is still the Quarterback.
8) Donovan McNabb (Phi.) – All the Chunky Soup in the world isn’t going to make up for the fact that he has no one to throw to.
9) Michael (“Mamma said not to call me Mike”) Vick (Atl.) – Didn’t you already pick a running back?
10) Mike Vanderjagt (Dal.) – I’m tired, I'm going to sleep and if you seriously need help picking a Kicker there are much bigger problems here…

So there you go, chose wisely and remember; if I’m wrong I had nothing to do with it, but if I’m right…sing my praises. Sing my praises from the hilltops!